


Don't give up

by SaidaScar17



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, F/F, F/M, Self-Harm, Side Kanghyo, side mimo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 104,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaidaScar17/pseuds/SaidaScar17
Summary: Dayhun can't remember when it all started. She can't define the moment that she got depressed. Was she always this way? Will she ever be happy ?orDayhun is depressed and the eight girls that are like her family is what helps her continue.
Relationships: Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 60
Kudos: 350





	1. When did it start?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic.
> 
> The story is completely made by me and not related to reality. The only real thing is some real events I used in the story, like schedules and live performances.
> 
> The plot deals with depression, self-acceptance, self-harming, so read it cautiously. If any of the previous is considered triggering for you please don't read it.
> 
> Title from Twice's song [ Don't Give Up ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97PCZFThkVM%22). I also decided to add [Breakthrough](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdKYi5ekshM) in the songs that inspired me, because it's a really meaningful and motivational song. 
> 
> * I know my writing is very stiff on the first chapters but I think it's getting better chapter by chapter. So if you like the story give it a try and be patient. Feedback is welcome of course.
> 
> Thank you in advance for reading!!

TW: self-harming 

  
  
  


Dahyun woke up after sleeping for about 4 hours. She turned around to check the time on her phone. It was only 4 am and they had to wake up around 6:30 am. It was in the middle of August and they had a 20 days break before starting the preparations for the Feel Special comeback. She didn't like the break days. There was a lot of free time and it didn't help her manage her emptiness.

  


When did it start? It was something she's been thinking the past nights when she woke up before the other girls. She knew she was depressed, she had learned to live with it from a young age. She'd hoped that becoming an idol would help. And it did. The countless hours of training from the start till now helped her become exhausted and left her no time to overthink and just sleep. 

  


She stands up from her bed taking her phone walking on her tows and walks out of the room. She goes to the kitchen thinking if she's going to eat something but she just grabs a bottle of water. Maybe she'll eat later with the girls or not eat at all. She walks to the door that leads downstairs and opens it very carefully. There's something wrong with this door as it creaks whenever they open it, but Dahyun knows what to do. She had to find a way because when you spend your hours on the basement instead of sleeping you have to be careful so a very specific leader won't find out and lock the doors.

  


She goes down the stairs and enters the left door. There are two rooms downstairs. One is designed for beauty preparations but also has some couches and a fridge so the girls can have fun and relax without bothering the neighbors. The other room, the one Dahyun enters, is a soundproof room with studio equipment for the girls to create and compose music whenever they want, a piano, speakers, and of course there is a mirrored wall for dance practice. It's not as big as those on the company but it can accommodate 4-5 persons dancing together.

  


Dahyun is so grateful to Chaeyoung for asking for this room when they were discussing with the company about what they want the dorm to have. She has spent here so many hours. Whenever she can't sleep she comes to this room to play the piano or listen to some music. It helps her manage the void in her chest when she is in this room. The piano is opposite the door, in a corner next to a desk with a computer and other equipment. 

  


She sits on the piano stool and opens the lid with her back facing the door. What should she play? She can't stop thinking 'When did it start?' She has to play something to make her brain stop asking. 'When did it start?' She decides to play a classical music piece, it always helped her calm down her thoughts. She plays her favorite [Nocturne](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtIW2r1EalM) by Chopin.

  


She starts smoothly as the piece demands. She always loved playing the piano. Did it start before she started the piano lessons? She can't remember. The void in her chest starts aching slowly. When did it start? Was it when she told her parents that she wants to become an idol? No, it can't be. She was already in a bad place when she announced it to them. It was one of the reasons she wanted to join the industry. It surely didn't get better when her dad told her he doesn't agree with her decision but is free to decide on her own. Her dad was very distant after her decision and even untill today, with the success of the group, he still believed that it was the wrong choice. "It's not enough Dahyun. Money and fame won't make you happy."

  


She loved him so much and she wanted some acknowledgement from him but he didn't give it to her. The most important man of her life didn't support her. He stopped hugging and kissing her when they debuted, like it was a punishment. Everything was going well in their relationship until she decided to become an idol. There were countless moments where all she needed was a sweet talk, a hug or a kiss from him but she knew it was pointless calling, she couldn't have it. It didn't start when he disapproved her decision, but it definitely got worse.

  


The void in her chest is huge now. She tries to keep playing the piece with great difficulty to not break down. A sob leaves her lips and tears are on her eyes. She can't see, herr vision is blurry. She tries to play but her fingers feel numb and she can feel her sobs getting more intense. There is only one way to stop the pain in her chest.

  


She stops playing abruptly and grabs her t-shirt lifting it up to her chest. There are bruises all over the right side of her rib cage. She makes a fist with her right hand and instantly presses her knuckles on the bruises with all the force she can apply. It stings and it hurts a lot. But the pain is now physical and not emotional. She can't tell if the pain from her emptiness is there, and it might last some minutes, giving her time to gather her thoughts and calm her self. Her effort is successful, now crying from the physical pain.

  


She gives a last squeeze thinking it'll be enough, and as she puts down her t-shirt there is a piercing sound of breaking glass on the room. She turns around scared and trembling, tears still falling from her eyes.

  


"Dahyun...?"


	2. What have you done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer than the first one. I just uploaded yesterday but I was very fascinated and wanted to write more. So here it is, second chapter :)
> 
> TW: reference to self-harming

"Dahyun...?"

  


It is Sana. She's standing shocked with her right hand still hovering. She apparently was holding a glass of water which is now shattered in front of her with pieces of glass all over the floor. 

  


Dahyun can't believe this is happening. All the girls know she has depression but she managed to limit the black side of it to them. They knew she isn't okay but she had reassured them it was like this for a lot of years and she's been living with it, so the girls gave her the space she wanted. She was quiet when they were in the dorm. She'd take her time alone when the others might watch a movie or a drama by staying in her room or going on the basement studio. She needed some isolation as they spent the majority of the day together. Once back from their schedules she'd always go and relax on her own. They never knew about her darker side though, she had managed to hide it well. So what went wrong now? Why is Sana here, standing in front of her with her mouth gaping and her eyes full of worry and tears?

  


Dahyun can't stand her glance. There's no doubt she'll ask for an explanation as she definitely saw Dahyun squeezing her bruised ribs. Dahyun can't handle it right now. She just turns around leaving her back to face Sana, still in tears. If she wants to get out of this situation she has to stop crying. But she can't because now she is shocked, scared, her physical pain is at its worst due to her hyperventilation that expands her rib cage, and the void in her chest is back.

  


She zones out staring blankly at the wall. She can't think anything, she wants Sana to leave and act like this never happened. Focusing on her breath trying to control all her feelings, she doesn't listen the steps echoing on the room. Sana is next to her.

  


"What was that Dahyun?" she asks like a whisper. She is so afraid. It can't be real, her Dahyunnie self-harming. She can't believe it.

"Dahyun... Please... " But Dahyun can't talk, can't explain. She has to find an excuse. How can she excuse her self-harming actions when Sana saw everything? She can't look at her, she can't answer. She keeps staring the wall with her tears still falling. Sana waits a little, until Dahyun sniffles and tears get dry on her cheeks.

  


"So... What is happening here? Why are you here this early?" she asks gently, her arm hovering over Dahyun's back hesitantly, afraid there are bruises there as well. She tacks some hair on Dahyun's ear instead and waits, giving Dahyun more time. But Dahyun hasn't find a good excuse.

  


"Dahyun... Answer me! I can't take your silence as a response!" Dahyun doesn't look at her. She can feel the tension, Sana is frustrated and angry right now. She has to say something.

"I... I woke up and couldn't sleep again.. So I came here to play some piano."

"And... ?"

"There's no and. That's all." This answer wasn't good enough for Sana because now she is mad.

"You think I am stupid? You think I didn't see what you did? What was that for Dahyun? What are you doing? Is this a new thing or are you hiding from us all this time? Answer me "

  


Dahyun can't answer her. Tell her what? That yes all this years she's been hiding and they have no clue? That this is how she manages her pain when it is insufferable? That it's okay because it's been years and it's become a routine? It just has to be on parts of her body that the others can't see, and it has to happen on break days because there is plenty of free time so her injuries can heal. Ironically, it happens on break days because she isn't exhausted and has so much free time she can't handle at all. She's the only member that likes their hectic schedules, the only member that doesn't look forward to the breaks. When did it start? she thinks again.

  


"What was that..?" Sana asks.

"What..?"

"You mumbled 'When did it start?'. When did it start what Dahyun?"

  


How did she mumble that? How to explain this to Sana? Why everything is going wrong today? She can feel the tears in her eyes again. There is no way she can escape this. She still doesn't look at Sana focusing at the piano keys.

"Sana... I don't know how to explai-"

  


The door suddenly opens and Jihyo enters the studio with sleepy eyes.

"Hey girls. What are you doing here so early in the morning?"

"I heard Dahyun going down when I went to the kitchen to drink some water and thought of checking why she is awake so early." Sana is still angry, there's no way Jihyo won't ask what is wrong. 

"Is everything alright? Why is there a broken glass and water on the floor?"

"I don't know, ask Dahyun."

  


No, no, no. No Sana, now she can't avoid the truth and she has to tell it to both of them. How can she tell the truth though? She can't burden the group with more worries and anxiety. The last few months have been a hell for them. First it was the incident with Sana and her post about the new Japanese Emperor. They all stood up next to her to help her overcome the backlash. But it affected her so much that it took her months to be okay, and even now she wasn't completely back to her old self. Then it was Mina. Mina who had to step down for a long time because she developed anxiety problems and couldn't take it any longer. It's been a month and no one can't handle her absence although she talks with them for a few minutes everyday. And then, there is Jihyo. Jihyo who was so happy with Daniel and Dispatch had to ruin it. Their precious leader was happy, they were proud of her, she was relaxed and better than ever, but now her love life was on the open for everyone to see. It's been only a week since the news broke out and they are still managing it.

  


How can she burden them more? There are so many things causing anxiety to every girl at the moment, she can't add one more, she can't fail them. She has to be strong for them. But she isn't. She sobs. She feels the break down coming once again. Tears are falling, she can't hear a thing. Once again she doesn't hear steps approaching from behind, Jihyo.

  


"Don't cry Dahyun, just talk to us" Jihyo says extending her arms to hug her around her rib cage.

"No Jihyo ! Don't!" Sana shouts.

  


But it's too late because Jihyo hugged Dahyun too tight and the girl folded in two from the pain, her head hitting the piano keys with great force. Jihyo helps her stand up from the stool and sit on the floor. She checks her head and sees her forehead getting red and a bit swelled.

"I 'm going to bring some ice from the fridge on the next room" she says and leaves immediately. 

"Sana unnie, don't make me talk to Jihyo. I will talk to you, I promise. I don't want to make her more anxious, she already has a lot in her mind." she says drying her tears with the back of her hand.

"You have to explain some things to her, like why her hug hurt you. I'll try help you avoid the answers I can, but you have to tell her some things." Sana had always listened to her, always been there for her, and also cared for Jihyo. She understood Dahyun's point of view, that's what she agreed immediately.

"I am back" says Jihyo entering the room and sits next to Dahyun. "Does your head hurts a lot? Maybe you feel a little dizzy?"

"A little dizzy, yes."

"Okay, sit down Sana so she can lay her head on your lap." Jihyo stands up, Sana sits down with her back on the wall, Dahyun lays her head on Sana's lap and Jihyo sits next to Dahyun's knees so she can face her. 

  


Jihyo grabs the water from the floor and gives it to Dahyun to drink, giving her the ice to place it on her forehead after. Exchanging some worried glances with Sana, they wait for the younger one to calm down. When Jihyo is aware that she is more relaxed and her breathing is back to normal, she talks.

"So Dahyun, can you lift your t-shirt?" Dahyun gasps. She didn't expect Jihyo to connect the dots so easily. Sana takes her free hand in hers and gives it a little squeeze.

"Jihyo please don't..." Dahyun pleads her.

"Dahyun, you either lift this shirt up or I do it on my own!" Jihyo says with a very strict tone, the leader one.

Sana squeezes her hand again and leaves it but Dahyun doesn't let her. Instead she frees the other hand, placing the ice on the floor. She counts to three in her mind and slowly lifts her t-shirt up to her chest.

"Dahyun... My little baby, what have you done?" Jihyo says, tears forming in her eyes. Dahyun can't look at her. She feels ashamed and doesn't have the courage to look neither of them in the eye. Both Jihyo and Sana are left speechless. Sana didn't see a lot earlier being quite far, but now she can see it on full detail. There's a purple bruise starting under her right breast, extending under her rib cage and a little over her stomach. It's extended through her side and it seems that it covers a part of her back too. It's huge and in a closer look Sana can spot different shades of purple, some really darker than others and some other mixed with green. It's obvious that she'd done it herself as the greenish parts are the ones healing but the darker and purplish ones reveal newly wounded flesh or no progress there. 

Jihyo picks the ice and places it gently over the bruise looking at Dahyun for some indication of pain and seeing none she holds the ice there. Sana can't believe it, her Dahyunnie doing this to herself. She feels guilty for getting angry and frustrated earlier. All she wants is to hug her so tight, take all her pain away, but she can't do it right now, it'll only bring discomfort to the younger one. Staring at the bruise she can't help her tears from falling. Jihyo notices that and speaks to Dahyun instead.

  


"Why?" Sana looks at Jihyo, startled from her strained voice. There's pain and anger in her eyes. Pain because it hurts her seeing the younger one in this situation, and anger because she didn't notice earlier. She isn't angry at Dahyun, she's angry with herself, Sana can tell.

"Unnie..." Dahyun says and sobs. And Sana understands it. How Jihyo shouldn't hear a single word because it will only get worse for both of them. They will both feel full of guilt for hurting each other. Dahyun is right, Jihyo shouldn't know what happens in her mind. It'll only be a burden.

"Listen Ji..." Sana starts taking a deep breath before continuing. "I know you worry about the situation. But you don't have to learn any more info. You have a lot in your mind right now and if Dahyun talks to you it will get worse. Dahyun doesn't want to talk to you because it'll make her feel guilty making you more anxious than you already are. It'll be worse if both of you end up feeling this way. I got the situation here. I promise that I'll be next to Dahyun and help her with whatever is happening in her mind. I'll be close and won't let her hurt herself more. I'll take care of her Ji, I promise. And I'll inform you when there's something you have to know. Is it okay Dahyun? Do you agree?"

Dahyun nods okay but they need Jihyo to agree too.

"Unnie... Please. I don't want to burden you. I know you have a lot on your mind. Let me talk with Sana, I will let her be next to me. I will try my best I promise. Just don't tell the other girls. I don't want them to worry too."

"Dahyun..." Jihyo is overwhelmed by the situation. She tries to not come through too harsh. "I am your leader. And finding that you struggle like this is a punch in my stomach. I can't believe that I didn't notice earlier. How long have you been doing this? It can't be the first time."

"Unnie please. It doesn't matter. I will tell everything to Sana. Don't feel guilty, please. I tried my best to avoid this situation. I don't want you to feel this way. Please unnie. Lets say it's the first time and you will let Sana handle me because there are a lot on your plate right now. Please unnie.."

  


They all remain silent for a few minutes, every girl lost in her thoughts. Dahyun hopes that Jihyo will let it pass and she'll have to deal only with Sana. Jihyo can't do but blame herself right now. It was something she should have in her mind. She new Dahyun was depressed but she thought she was in a much better, not like that. With her personal drama taking place right now, and with Mina's absence taking everyone's mind, she knows she cant handle Dahyun at the moment. Dahyun is right that the other girls shouldn't learn about it. There are too much already for all of them. Thank God that Sana is there. The blonde is one of the most carrying persons in the group. She would turn in her for advise, and most of the girls would. Right now, she's all Dahyun needs. Sana hasbeen in love with her since they debuted. Either Dahyun knows or not no one knows because she'd never express this kind of feelings in general. She doesn't seem to care about romantic relationships. Sana iss the best option right now. Jihyo knows she'll do her best for Dahyun regardless of her feelings. 

  


"Alright.. Sana will be there for you. But! If anything happens you will tell me Sana! No more self-harming! We have 15 more days of break. If you need anything you tell me. I know you might think that I'll lock the doors downstairs, but I won't. Take your time to fix your schedule and your mind. You can come downstairs whenever you need it. If you wanna talk Sana will be there. I'll bring some pillows and blankets from the storage upstairs so you can sleep on the next room if you want. If you need anything just tell me. But don't space out Dahyunnie... We are here for you. Let Sana help you."

Tears spill from Dahyun's eyes, silent ones this time. She can't believe how great are the people she considers family. She feels guilty knowing Jihyo feels responsible. She feels ashamed for the worry she placed on the shoulders of her two unnies. 

"Thank you unnie.. I am sorry for everything" Dahyun says sobbing. Jihyo places a lasting kiss on her forehead. She stands up and leaves, coming back after a few seconds with a blanket and two pillows. 

"Right now is 5:30. You have one hour to make yourself more presentable for the others, because you -me included- look like a crying mess. Go to the next room to sleep or relax and get up in 45 minutes for your morning routines before the other girls wake up. Whatever you need talk to me. I'm going to catch some sleep and do the same before Nayeon wakes up in an empty room" Jihyo says and leaves the room.

  


"Stand up Dahyunnie. We need to go to the next room." Dahyun puts down her t-shirt which she forgot was lifted up. Fortunately it's summer and the weather is warm. The plastic bag with the ice has turned to plain water. Sana lifts it so Dahyun can move freely. Dahyun stands up and goes to the other room. Jihyo left the pillows and the blanket there before departing. Sana is right behind her. She puts one pillow on one of the couches and noddes to Dahyun to lay down. She covers Dahyun with the blanket, leaving a kiss on her temple before standing up walking towards the door. 

"Where are you going?" Dahyun asks.

"I have to clean up the mess I made in the studio. I'll be back in few minutes." 

  


Dahyun doesn't feel sleepy at all. She just waits for Sana. What should she tell her? There are so many things in her mind that she doesn't know where to start. Will Sana be able to listen to all of her thoughts? Does Sana deserve babysitting Dahyun? Why is she such a mess, being a burden for the others? Maybe she shouldn't say a thing to Sana. It's nothing after all. Just stupid thoughts. Sana is back after five minutes.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I don't feel like sleeping unnie." Sana opens the fridge and takes a new bag with ice. She sits on the floor next to Dahyun's head and puts the ice on her forehead.

"Unnie... I don't kno-"

"Ssh Dahyunnie... We don't have to speak right now. Just relax a little, try to sleep maybe. We'll talk it out later." She leaves another kiss on her temple. Dahyun reaches for her free hand. 'We will talk it later' she thinks and closes her eyes. Maybe she was sleepy after all this crying after all...


	3. How pathetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: On the end of the chapter there are scenes of self harm. They start after the ~ symbol. You can skip them completely if you think they might trigger you, it doesn't mess with the plot so you 'll be fine

Sana had barely slept. Sitting there she observed Dahyun, planning on how to handle the situation. Surely she'd have to sleep early that night to be able to be up by the time Dahyun would walk downstairs. Taking through the day was impossible as she had to go for dance practice with Momo expecting a long one. They'd plan some choreography after receiving the instrumental of Feel Special. Momo usually planned the choreography with Mina, but due to Mina's absence Sana offered to help her. They'd be back late at the afternoon.

So the plan was spending the morning with the rest of the members, going to practice with Momo, coming back, eating, taking a bath and sleeping early. She took her phone and set an alarm at 4 am, the same time she assumed Dahyun had woken up today. 

Checking her phone, it was 6:13. Two more minutes until she'd wake Dahyun up. She spent them observing the girl. She looked so pure and innocent. If she weren't aware of Dahyun's situation, she'd never believed the angel in front of her was in trouble. She wanted to hug her and reassure her everything would be alright, but she knew she had no idea about the extent of her problems. She was determined to help Dahyun by any means. 

The phone on her hand started vibrating and she immediately turned off the alarm. She took the almost melted ice bag from Dahyun's forehead and threw it in the trash can walking back to wake up Dahyun.

"Hey sleepyhead" she said squeezing Dahyun's shoulder gently. It seemed Dahyun was light sleeping as she opened her eyes immediately. She didn't talk, just looked at Sana searching for disappointment and disapproval. Sana was looking back at her with empathy and worry, and maybe a little pity. 'I don't deserve that' she thought and stood up.

"How are you feeling?" Sana asked her. "I am fine" she answered nonchalantly and walked over Sana to go upstairs. 'This is gonna be harder than I thought' Sana thought and followed the girl upstairs, each going to her room to prepare for the day.

  
  


The morning passed by very fast, Jihyo cooked breakfast and they ate all together, discussing their schedules for the day after. Momo and Sana would go to the company with Jihyo who had an appointment with JYP to discuss her situation, Chaeyoung would spend her day on the home studio as she wanted to explore some ideas for their Japanese album, Jeongyeon and Nayeon would go to the market for food supplies and Tzuyu and Dahyun would stay home all day. 

After breakfast they had a few minutes video call with Mina who didn't seem to have any progress. When the call ended they didn't discuss about Mina any further. Everyone went on with their schedule and Dahyun was left home with Tzuyu and Chaeyoung. She went to their room and laid on her bed. Chaeyoung went downstairs and Tzuyu stayed in the living room watching TV. It wasn't something out of the ordinary, Tzuyu loved dramas and Dahyun love staying in bed all day not talking.

When Nayeon and Jeongyeon came back Dahyun helped them arrange the groceries and asked Jeongyeon if she wanted any help with cooking. She wanted to occupy herself with an activity to stop over thinking. Jeongyeon assigned her to chop the vegetables; cooking for eight people required a lot of ingredients. Dahyun found herself chopping veggies while Jeongyeon prepared anything else. She wasn't the most talkative person thus there was silence between them, something she didn't want at that moment. It didn't last long though, as Nayeon entered the kitchen and sat on a high stool on the island, immediately starting a conversation with Jeongyeon.

"What do you think about the call with Mina?” Nayeon asked Jeongyeon. She might had asked them both but she didn't expect any answer from Dahyun as the younger hadn't been talkative about Mina since her break had started.

"Well, she didn't seem better, but didn't seem worse either. That's a good thing."

"Yeah I know, just hoped to see any progress."

"I hoped that too, but it's enough that she is stable and not getting worse. Progress will come, even if it is slowly."

"She didn't ask Jihyo about Daniel though."

"I think Jihyo texted her that everything is okay. You know how shocked she was when the news came out. I wish I could be there to help her." When the dating news broke out Mina was already with her family in Japan and any progress she had achieved turned to dust. She avoided contacting the members for two days and when she reached out it was a total breakdown. She cried for an hour with Jihyo trying her best to calm her down and the rest of the members just listening not knowing what to do. There was a team of doctors watching her out back home but when she called she was alone. The aftermath was a very bad atmosphere on the dorm for the past days, today being a little better.

"Well, I hope she'll be back soon, I miss her a lot. It feels like something is missing constantly, and seeing her empty bed in our room breaks my heart" Nayeon said trying her best not to cry.

"It’s not the right time to be here with everything that's going on, it won’t help her. But knowing her all these years, I believe she’ll come back to record her parts for the album and the music video.

"I hope so..." Nayeon said softly like a whisper. Dahyun looked up and saw Jeongyeon stopping her activities and walking to her to envelop her in a hug. They were very close since their trainee years and their bond was no joke. Jeongyeon was like a mother figure for the group like Jihyo, and even though Nayeon was the older one Jeongyeon was her safe place. They were each other's rock.

"Relax bunny. If you don't cry I'll let you eat two servings" Jeongyeon said in a teasing way looking to the counter to check the ingredients. Dahyun didn't want to seem like she was stalking the moment and focused back on chopping the veggies.

"Well, I am not sure I want two servings, but Momo and Sana will be back after a long practice, maybe we'll need more food for Momo, I don't think one serving is enough for her" Nayeon said chuckling.

"Yeah, okay. I’ll add ingredients for two more servings then" Jeongyeon said proceeding to place them on the counter. Looking Dahyun from the side she found her paler than the usual.

"Are you okay Dubu? You seem a little... out of it. Is everything alright? I can finish the chopping if you don't feel okay."

"No it's okay, I’ll finish and go to bed. I think breakfast might gave me a stomach ache" she told them. She couldn't tell the truth, just wanted to buy time knowing the moment she’d be alone she’d overthink again. She wasn't very lucky though, as she finished chopping a few minutes later and headed to her room.

  
  


'How to turn off your mind?' she thought. She couldn't handle it once again. She’d been overthinking about Sana since she’d woken up, about not telling her, about not being a burden. She was trying to create a version of her problems that wouldn't be too deep, just a light idea. She didn't want to lie but didn't want to add more anxiety either. 

Listening Nayeon and Jeongyeon talking about Mina made it worst. Sana had a special bond with Momo and Mina being from Japan. They'd been close since debut, they helped each other with the language and grew closer before bonding with the others, not that they didn't bond with the rest of the members on the same level afterwards. 

If Nayeon felt this way, she couldn't imagine how Sana was feeling. She couldn't do it. No, Sana didn't deserve it. She knew Sana would approach her really soon, so she had to think how she’d avoid her. Only her mind couldn't form any other thought from 'Don't hurt Sana' again and again, crying on her pillow until she fell asleep.

  
  


When food was ready Nayeon checked on her but didn't wake her thinking she was sick. The rest of the members ate their lunch and sat in the living room talking about what Chaeyoung did and how they should spend the rest of their break, afterward watching a drama Tzuyu had recommended. It was past 7 when Sana, Momo, and Jihyo got back. Dahyun had been awake almost an hour and she decided she’d go and hang out with the others as for Jihyo and Sana to not suspect her. Opening the door she heard Jihyo talking and froze on place.

"What's for dinner? Momo said she’s very hungry and Sana said she might eat two servings today!" 

"Well, we have 5 servings of lunch. I forgot to add 3 more so we could all eat dinner. Sorry, Jihyo. Should we order some take out? It’ll be here until Sana and Momo finish with shower." 

"Sure. Nayeon make the order please. Hey Jeong... How many servings did you cook? Why are there 5 left? Shouldn’t they be 3?" 

"Well, I was preparing 8 but then I promised our bunny-unnie an extra serving if she was a good girl and she told me to add an extra one for Momo. Nayeon didn't eat her second, Dahyun didn't eat so we are left with 5. Sorry Ji, I really didn't think about dinner."

"It's okay. Why Dahyun didn't eat?"

"We were preparing dinner and she seemed paler than usual. She told us maybe breakfast messed up her stomach."

"Okay. I am going to change and be right back for dinner."

Dahyun took this opportunity and walked to the living room, sitting next to Tzuyu. The maknae never pressured her and she wanted to avoid sitting close to Jihyo or Sana. After a few minutes the take out was there, Momo was sitting on the other side of Dahyun, Sana and Jihyo across them on the other side of their Π lined couches.

"Who will eat from lunch?" Jeongyeon asked from the kitchen door.

"Me Momo and Sana. Anyone else?" Jihyo asked the other girls. Nayeon said yes because she liked it too much, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu nodded a no, and Dahyun didn't react at all, looking the TV.

"Okay, there is one last serving, who's gonna take it?"Jeongyeon said while placing the plates on the living room coffee table.

"Wait, why are there so many extra serving?" Sana asked.

"Dahyun didn't eat lunch" Jeongyeon replied.

"We never say no to food, especially when it’s homemade Dahyunnie" Momo said ruffling the younger's hair. Dahyun smiled slightly, not reaching her eyes.

"I had stomach ache unnie. I think breakfast was the reason. But I feel better now. Jeongyeon unnie, I will have the last serving" she said, avoiding Sana's and Jihyo's eyes. When Jeongyeon came back they split the take out according to how much each wanted to eat and started eating. 

"How was practice?" Tzuyu asked.

"Good. We made a choreography up until the bridge part, right before the rap part. I want to make at least two more versions and maybe combine all of them. I would like some static and in formation poses for the verses because chorus is going to be very intense. And then the rap part might have some hard choreo but there’s also a kind of dance break at the end. So we need to "steal" every possible breath or moment to take a breath. I think it will be our hardest choreo until now!" she said excitedly. 

"Okay good. I am very happy to see you this fascinated Mo. I believe they will approve a large part of your ideas by the way you talk about it!" Jihyo said.

"How was your day unnie?" Chaeyoung asked Jihyo.

"I talked with JYP alone first. He told me again that he’s okay with me and I don't have to feel bad. There is no ban now so we’re free and he knows I was careful so it's all good for him. But he believes Dispatch was paid by Daniel's previous company because he left them. You know how they forced the big channels to not have him or promote any of his music. This is their last chance to make his fans disappointed. They surely paid Dispatch because JYP told me they didn't reach the company before publishing it. So yeah..." Everyone remained silent. 

The leader continued "Girls, if you don't continue eating I won't say more. That's right, eat Tzuyu, good girl. Yeah, what were I telling... Yeah... Then we had a meeting with some of the managers and the legal team to discuss potential problems, like questions during interviews or showcases, or maleficent comments. The last one includes Mina's situation too.” She said and made a pause. “After the meeting I went to Daniel's. Even though ONCE took it well, his fans are very mad. He isn't well and I don't know how to help him. All I can do is reassure him I am not gonna leave and we’ll walk through this together. But right now he is not okay, I tried to kiss him goodbye and he just hugged me really quick and said goodnight.." she concluded with some tears falling from her eyes. 

No one dared to talk. Sana hugged Jihyo to comfort her. Dahyun looked on her plate; she had barely eaten 5 spoons. She couldn’t take in the situation. There it was, the uneasiness in her chest, the emptiness she felt all day now taking the form of pain. Jihyo being so devastated, Mina not being here with them and not being okay, Sana trying to support everyone. She couldn’t add this to Sana's back too. She wasn't going to talk to Sana. She’d avoid it in any way she could. Sana had her own struggles to handle, she shouldn’t have Dahyun too. It’d be too much. Dahyun would handle herself the way she knew and wanted.

She didn't notice how many minutes had passed, everyone was standing and cleaning up the living room. She went to the kitchen to leave her plate in the fridge -maybe she’d eat it tomorrow, and as she turned to leave Sana was on the other side of the room staring at her with a raised eyebrow. She instantly averted her gaze because Sana was looking kind of dangerous, and went on to have her night routine. She wouldn't do it tonight, all she wanted was to lay on her bed, but everyone was watching and she couldn't afford giving explanations. She laid on her bed hoping to sleep some hours before going up again.

  
  


Checking her phone, it was only 1am. She’d been trying to sleep for the past two hours. Two hours more and she could go downstairs. She plugged her earphones to play a white noise video on youtube. On nights like this it was the only thing helping her fall asleep. It was weird how white noise could block her mind from thinking and enter latency mode to finally sleep. But as in tune, she woke up at 3am, like her mind wanted to prove it was aware of her earlier thought. 

  
  


~

With her pain still there, she walked out of the room to the bathroom. Maybe the pain was the reason she’d woken up after all.  ‘What a perfect way to start your day’ she thought, grabbing her chest over her heart and putting some pressure in an attempt to alleviate some of the discomfort with no result. It was time to deal with it the way she knew better.

She took off her pajama sweatpants, the checkered black and white one. Maybe she should have worn a simple black one tonight but she didn’t know what would follow. She opened the cabinet to take out the first-aid kit. She hadn’t used it since their last break and it was the same as the last time she used it; nothing missing, everything in order. 

Taking out the antiseptic bottle, she applied some on a ball of cotton wool and proceeded on cleaning her right hip right next to her panties sterilizing the small scissor after. The movements were familiar, having repeated them a lot of times before in attempts to feel better. 

Opened scissor in hand, she placed the edge of one of the blades on her hip, dragging and scratching the skin for a few inches. A small hiss left her mouth but wasn’t enough. Placing the scissor on her hip again, she dragged and scratched again and again until there were six parallel lines close to each other. Her movements were clear and precise due to her experience. She hadn’t scratched deep enough to leave a scar but hard enough to draw blood and create painful superficial wounds. 

First part done, but the pain wasn’t enough yet. Knowing the next step, she wiped the blood with some paper. It wasn’t a lot but was running down her thigh. Bracing herself she took a large piece of cotton wool and placed it right under the scratches. Then she picked the antiseptic bottle taking a deep breath and poured a lot of the liquid over the scratched skin, hissing from the stinginess and the pain, a smile forming in her face. It stung a lot, with the burning of the disinfectant traveling to her chest.  ‘What a great feeling; the pain that undoes pain’ she thought. The pain lasted for a minute or two, but it was a process she had to repeat a few times until the scratches would stop bleeping, giving her the chance to create as much pain as she could. 

Once she was done she cleaned the bathroom and the evidence, she headed downstairs. She entered the couch room to grab a bottle of water only to find plenty of options: water, iced tea, juice and soju. Feeling her pain and emptiness constantly growing she took a bottle of soju hoping it’d burn her and the pain away. 

Entering the studio she didn’t have in mind to play or listen to music. She sat on the wall opposite the mirrored wall looking at her own reflection. ‘How pathetic’ she thought and took a small gulp from the drink. She’s never been a heavy drinker; one shot of soju was her limit. With that in mind she brought the bottle on her lips to down it in one take or else she wouldn’t make it to the half. ‘Time to forget the pain’ was her last thought, feeling warmer instantly and her stomach burning being almost empty from food. Looking at the mirror, her face sported a deep red shade, indicating that the alcohol was already affecting her. She had to wait a little more for it to take away her pain. 

She stayed there looking at her reflection not knowing how much time had passed. Dizziness was there now but the pain hadn’t left yet with the heat making everything ten times harder. She stood up with the intention to turn on the air-conditioning quickly dismissing the thought. It would be noisy and could wake up the girls. She opted on taking off her clothes instead. 

She took off her t-shirt first followed by her sweatpants with great difficulty as the alcohol was acting and she felt very disoriented. She stumbled to the piano stool to leave her clothes there and then walked to stand in front of the mirror. Only in her bra and panties, she observed her body. Her bruised ribs weren’t in a better condition than yesterday and thin blood streams slowly ran down her thigh. Feeling too dizzy she kneeled to sit on her calves. Why was the pain still there? Why did she think getting drunk could stop the pain? ‘How stupid and miserable you are Dahyun’ she thought looking at her reflection laughing, feeling the whole scene humiliating and pathetic. 

Suddenly the pain stopped, making her stop laughing in shock. Had it worked? Had the pain gone away? She instantly felt like she was stabbed in the heart. Was she dying? This kind of pain was new, the worst she’d ever felt. Had alcohol worsen it? She couldn’t breathe for some seconds, feeling like she was suffocating. What was happening? 

Once able to breathe again, she started sobbing. What should she do? How could she stop the pain? Where was the button? Maybe if she triggered her bruise she’d focus one the physical pain. She didn’t wait long to squeeze her knuckles on the bruise. It gave her a great amount of discomfort but it wasn’t enough. Thinking as fast as she could she ended up to something she hadn’t perform before. She’d always squeeze, never punch. It’d be really difficult to hit herself sober, but being drunk made it much easier with all her guards and control down. 

The first punch hurt but not enough to stop the pain. The second was not as hard as the first and didn’t register as a hit at all. With a clouded mind she decided to punch three times with every bit of force she could apply. 

‘One’

She punched hard, trying to catch her breath after. 

‘Two’

It was harder than the first. A little more and the pain would vanish. 

‘Three’

She punched so hard that it caught her breath. 

The moment she punched the third time Sana had entered the studio witnessing her actions. 

”Dahyun!” she screamed and ran to the younger, all while Dahyun’s body fell back, her head hitting the floor with a loud thump before Sana could reach her. 

“I can’t believe I was late.” Sana said in shock from the view, feeling guilty and mad. 

'Stupid Dahyun, now Sana is feeling guilty. You pathetic loser'  her drunken mind told her. And maybe it was the thought of Sana feeling responsible for the situation, maybe the alcohol in her blood being too much, Dahyun turned to her side and puked all the alcohol out before passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it was too much of a chapter. I promise it will turn to something happy. But we first have to understand what is happening with Dahyun's mind. 
> 
> So it is my first fic and I have no previous experience. If you could leave a comment about the structure of my writing it would be good for me to know if it is okay, or if it is too analytical, or boring. Thanks and see you on the next chapter :)


	4. It's my way of dealing with it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dahyun deals with the aftermaths of her actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm mentions

"Fuck.." Sana hissed seeing vomit all over her clothes, taking off her shirt instantly to carry Dahyun to the next room. Lifting her in her arms in bridal style she walked to the other room to place her on one of the couches. Walking back to the studio to take Dahyun's clothes to dress her again, she considered waking Jihyo up or telling her what happened at all. She'd made a promise which she intended to keep, so she settled on telling her in the morning.

Walking to the other room again she looked at the younger one sleeping. She should clean her first before dressing her up again. There should be a first-aid kit on these cabinets, so she looked each one of them until she found it. She wasn't comfortable dealing with first-aid but there wasn't an other choice. She sterilised the hip and looked for some plasters. Thankfully there were some big sticker gauzes left from another time someone needed them, plasters wouldn't fit the wounds anyway. She placed the gauze carefully as to not cover any scratch with the sticky part.

Even though Dahyun was a light-sleeper, she didn't seem like she would wake up soon. Sana proceeded with cleaning her mouth with a wet cloth and then dressing her up. Afterwards she walked upstairs to change her own clothes and clean herself up. Entering the room as quiet as she could she heard a phone notification from Jihyo's phone. She waited for Jihyo to wake up and look at it but the girl didn't move. She must be really tired Sana thought and walked out of the room going to the bathroom to have a quick shower hopping that the water's sound won't wake up the others. She had to shower, there wasn't another option. 

Next thing was cleaning the studio, feeling the deja-vu from yesterday, clearing the same floor again in less than 24-hours. Getting back on the other room she crouched down on another empty sofa, quickly typing "Text me when you wake up. I am downstairs" to Jihyo and leaving the phone on the table. She must had been awake for 30 minutes now but she was already feeling exhausted. Any given time of sleep would help her for later. 

  
  


"Hey.." Dahyun heard as she opened her eyes. She felt like her head was going to explode, why did she drink the whole bottle of soju? As she tried to rise from her laying position she groaned feeling her palse throbbing on her ribs, giving up and falling back.

"Drink this please, it will help you" Sana said as she approached with a bottle of water and some painkillers. "And please drink the whole bottle. You need to hydrate as much as possible." and Dahyun did as the Japanese said.

"What time is it?" she asked not having an idea about it.

"It's 4 in the afternoon" Dahyun felt like her eyes were going to burst out from their sockets.

"Don't worry. Only Jihyo is here. She sent the others outside, they have no idea. Don't look at me like this, I had to tell Jihyo. Do you remember what happened ?"

"Yeah.."

"And about punching yourself...?"

"That too, yes."

"So let me set this clear. I had to tell Jihyo because I'm scared you might have broken a rib. And that means you have to go to the doctor, meaning that this will get to the company and I don't know how to handle something like this. Jihyo is the leader so I had to tell her."

"Is she mad...?" Dahyun said with apparent fear in her voice. Getting the leader mad wasn't something a member wanted to achieve.

"What?! No, why would she be mad? She is worried. We are worried Dahyun, this isn't healthy and you don't look willing to let us help you. She is trying to figure out ways to deal with the situation, like you going to a therapist or talking with the company."

"No! I don't want this! Can I talk with her?

"Did the meds work? Are you feeling any better? We can go upstairs when your headache is gone" Sana said brushing the girls hair with a small and carrying smile.

"Okay. Give me some minutes. Where are the others?" she asked a little confused as today was supposed to be a free day for everyone.

"Jihyo told them to have tomorrow's activities today so we can have tomorrow and the weekend free incase anyone wants to visit home."

"Weren't you supposed to help Momo?" Dahyun asked with a frown. She didn't like the idea of Momo overworking her self and being alone in the studio.

"Don't worry. Chae and Tzuyu went with her. They were very excited about it" Sana chuckled as she thought about the happy faces of the maknaes when Jihyo told them to help Momo.

"Nayeon and Jeongyeon?"

"They went to a shelter for stray cats with Jeong's sister and after they'll have dinner at her dad's restaurant. Don't worry Dahyun, Jihyo told them you are sick and we will stay back to watch out on you. Will you go home for the next days?" she asked making Dahyun frown at the question.

Although Dahyun was Korean, she didn't go home as often as the other. Her home wasn't in Seoul like Jihyo's Nayeon's and Jeongyeon's, it was three hours away. The real reason though was her relationship with her father. She wanted to go back there for three days but she knew it was going to worsen the situation. 

"I feel better. Can we go upstairs so I can talk with Jihyo?" she answered, deflecting Sana's question. The Japanese didn't like that she didn't get an answer but now wasn't the time for this.

"Okay let me help you stand up" Sana said placing her arm under Dahyun's left armpit to support her side that she knew was healthy. Dahyun stood, waiting her head to stop turning everything around.

"Let's go" she said once she felt stable, untangling from Sana's side and walking towards the door.

  


Entering the kitchen they found Jihyo cooking. 

"Hey Ji, we 're here" said Sana as they both sat on the high stools.

"Good. I was going to check you, food is almost ready" she said turning around to face them. "I made chicken soup, I know you like it Dahyun." Dahyun just nodded not facing her, looking down at her hands fiddling with her fingers. There was going to follow a very serious conversation which she couldn't avoid.

"Thank you unnie, you didn't have to.." the younger said still avoiding to look on the leader who walkd around the kitchen island to embrace her in a hug. 

"I am not mad at you Dahyun. We just have to talk, okay?" she said and kissed her temple. "Now let me serve you some soup. You have to eat as we know that you didn't yesterday" she said walking to the counter to serve the food. "Sana do I serve for you too?"

"Yes, please."

"So..." Jihyo began, placing the hot bowls on the table in front of the two. "... before I tell you the options that I have in mind, I want to ask you if you want to talk first." Jihyo saw the Korean looking back at her for the first time today.

"I want to hear the options first", she answered, not picking her spoon yet, Jihyo noticing that. "I'll eat after the talk" she says. Sana was already eating but puts her spoon down to focus on the conversation.

"I hoped you would talk first and change my mind, I really don't like the options that we have and I will be very clear for everything, I'm not going to be soft on this as the situation came this far. Sana told me you punched yourself. There is possibility that you broke some ribs. How do you feel? Is there any pain? Can you try stretching a little to see if it hurts?" and Dahyun proceeded to raise her arms over her head and turn to look back to stretch more.

"I feel some pain but I think it is only from the bruise, not something I haven't felt before" she said, both Jihyo and Sana cringing from the confession.

"Alright, that means you don't need to go to the doctor for this. But I want you- no, I demand you to tell me if there is any possibility that you have fractured or broke your rib cage. Don't look at me like that Sana, she has the option to talk to you and she just did this to herself." she said leaving a heavy sight, visibly irritated.

"Okay, I don't have to go to the doctor and I will tell you if I figure that I 'm more injured than I think" she answered, barely a whisper but both girls heard clearly her words. Jihyo was standing across her leaning on the counter all this time, crossed her hands on her chest. 

"I know you for 7 years already. We might didn't spend a lot of time together as trainees but we are in this group for almost 4 years. You aren't talkative and I respect that- we respect that. You told us that you are depressed and it is under control. But this is not it. I never pressured you on talking about it, and I won't. You never let anyone inside your problems, we don't even know the source of all of this. We are family and I can't let it go any longer. The solution is to see a therapist as soon as possible."

Dahyun saw red. Therapist? No way! She'd achieved managing it alone all these years, she wouldn't let a slip-up destroy it now. She felt the rage in her chest. She was furious. 

"No!" she shouted while slapping her hand on the island very hard, resulting on some of the soup spilling out of the bowls. "I didn't get this far all these years to let you drag me on a therapist now. You just have to forget it and go on, it's my way of dealing with it!" she growled. Sana and Jihyo looked at her dumbfounded, the latter instantly trying to compose her thoughts to answer.

"Do you even hear yourself? What kind of mindset is this? Would you just let it go if you found out that me or Sana or any other member was harming herself? You would just forget it and let her do it?!" Jihyo shouted back. Only then Dahyun stopped seeing red. Her brain instantly made a slideshow of every member self-harming in a way and she couldn't handle the image. Her precious members, the ones she considered family, hurting themselves and she just standing there and watching. Tears were forming in her eyes. Was this how Sana and Jihyo feel about her? 

"Unnies..." she sobbed. "I 'm sorry, unnies, I am very sorry" she said, her tears falling like streams. Sana hugged her from her side trying to comfort her, Jihyo coming on the other side hugging her as well. She couldn't stop thinking the others harming themselves, it was a very bad image stuck in her mind.

"Calm down Dahyun. Don't think about it, every one is healthy and no one is self-harming okay? Please calm down. They are okay" Jihyo said in an effort to calm her down and reassure her. When the younger one nodded she's okay Jihyo wrnt to the other side of the table sitting in front of her on a stool. She knew that Dahyun wanted to answer, so she gave her time to put in order her mind and to stop crying.

"I am sorry unnie. I really am. I am very scared to talk about my feeling so I avoided it until now. I never talked about it to anyone because I feel like it isn't worthy to consume someone's time. I won't tell you about anything specific, only for yesterday. You told me to talk to Sana and I was considering to do so, just not in detail. But then Mina called and didn't have any progress. And while helping Jeongyeon unnie cook the meal, she had a conversation with Nayeon unnie about Mina and Nayeon unnie was very sad and I couldn't but think how sad and anxious must be Sana unnie about Mina, and I couldn't think adding to that with my own problems. And this made me feel even more bad so I avoid the others and skipped lunch. Then at dinner time you talked as about you and your own problems and I decided that I 'm not going to talk to Sana unnie about anything not to burden her more. All night I was thinking that Sana will approach me tomorrow and how I will avoid talking to her, and that made my pain insufferable. So I did what I did. I am very sorry unnies... I don't want to be a burden. I 'm sorry... " she ended up, some tears escaping her eyes.

Jihyo and Sana needed a moment to take in the younger's confession. Jihyo took a little longer so Sana decided to speak for the first time until now.

"Dahyunie, why do you close yourself so much? We are here for each other, right? I am happy to know you worry about me, but please, please, understand it is the other way around as well. What if Jihyo thought she burdens us and didn't talk us about her feelings, about the situation with Daniel? We are here for each other, we are family. If we don't speak to each other who are we supposed to speak with? We are here for the happy times and the bad ones. So please open your head and understand that you aren't a burden to anyone." Sana said looking at Dahyun who was staring the table in front of her.

"And furthermore," Jihyo started, "you mentioned Mina too. When Mina reached to a point she knew she couldn't handle her anxiety, she opened to Chaeyoung about it, Chaeyoung reached to me and together we talked to the managers and the company so we can face it the right way. And you don't have to worry to much because she is getting better. She was very cheerful today on the call and said she will discuss with her doctors about coming back for the album. And about me, I know it is hard now but it will get better. I know I will look back at it later and I will ask myself why I let it affect me so much. We have to be optimistic to go through. Besides, you have to get through the rain to get to the rainbow." Jihyo concluded with a gentle smile, her eyes locking with Dahyun's, looking at her with all the love she could radiate with her glance.

Dahyun felt like the discussion wasn't over and things should be clarified before their unnies assumed otherwise.

"I get it now. I mean it. It will be hard doing so and I will try with all my heart. But please unnie, let me try open up with Sana first. Don't make me go to a therapist. Let me try with Sana and if it doesn't help I will go by myself, I promise. Just give me a chance. Please.", she begged with glassy and teary eyes. She wasn't sure what would happen if she went to a therapist, he might told her to take a break as well, and she couldn't leave the group with 7 members, it's the last thing she wanted. She firmly believed that she could talk it out with Sana.

"I will. I told you yesterday as well, if you need anything I am here. I consider you opening up to both of us a great start, I know something in you has changed. So please don't close yourself again. And if it doesn't work we will handle it okay?" she said as she walked up to give a hug once more to Dahyun. This one lasted longer, Jihyo kissed her cheek this time and rested her chin on top of Dahyun's head.

"I love you so much.." Jihyo said.

"I love you too... Sorry for shouting before" she said with a small chuckle and an embarrassed voice.

"It's okay, don't think about it." Jihyo said and took a step away so she could face both Dahyun and Sana. "I have to go to the company, is it okay?"

"Yes it's okay, Sana is here, we 'll be fine" Dahyun answered her. Jihyo proceeded to gather her things and before leaving she glared at Sana.

"Make sure she'll eat enough!"

"Yes sir! " Sana saluted her in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere making the others chuckle and Jihyo left.

  


"Do you want to warm your soup ? Mine is lukewarm but I don't mind it" Sana asked.

"I don't mind it either" she answered and then started eating in silence.

After finishing cleaning up their plates and spoons they went to the living room. Dahyun decided to take a bath before the others were back and make herself presentable. After, they stayed on the living room waiting for the others, then watching a drama -something very rare for Dahyun- and eating dinner all together. When sleeping time came and they stood up to go to their respective rooms, Dahyun held Sana from her wrist making her turn around to face her.

"I know it's been a lot years since then, but could you maybe... you know, come to sleep with me tonight? I felt very relaxed next to you after talking and I really need to sleep good tonight. I don't want to overstep anything and I feel very uncomfortable for asking but-"

"You 're rambling Dahyunie. I will, I am here for you, remember? Just let me go make my night routine and I 'll be there. And don't feel uncomfortable, I am happy that you reached out for something you need" she said giving her a kiss on her forehead and walking away. 

  


Dahyun was ready, she had made her night routine after the bath she took, so she just changed in to her pajamas and laid on her bed. Only after a few minutes she felt someone lifting the covers.

"Scoot over" Sana said, Dahyun doing as she was told, her back facing Sana, who instantly hugged the Korean from behind, her front pressing her back and her hands resting on the younger one's middle, like she knew Dahyun liked. Dahyun focused on synchronizing her breathing with Sana's, drifting her to sleep like a lullaby within a few minutes. It didn't take much longer. This is gonna be my best sleep in a year was the last thought of Dahyun before completely dozing off. Little did she know that Sana made the exact same consideration. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on we will deal with what is in Dahyun's mind and Saida's relationship. I will try include everyone by time, but this fic is mainly Saida (for now ?)


	5. It feels like drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: - Mental health issues on this chapter  
> \- Depression  
> \- Reference on self-harm  
> 

"Hey, Sana.." Jihyo said as quiet as possible poking gently Sana's shoulder who was spooning Dahyun. The Japanese didn't untangle herself from the Korean but turned her head to face the leader. 

"What time?" she asked not fully capable of forming a proper question still half asleep and eyes struggling to open to look back. 

"10. I'll go to my parents for the weekend plus today. Tzuyu will be with me, Momo will go to Nayeon's and Chae at Jeong's. We'll be back Sunday afternoon. I thought giving you some space. We can all go for dinner at Sunday if you two want. Just tell me if anything happens and I'll be back immediately." Jihyo almost whispered and smiled at the sleepy girl.

"Okay bye now." Sana said turning back to her original position, falling back to sleep instantly. Jihyo chuckled silently while leaning to plan a kiss at the girl's temple and walked out of the room after.

  


It was after an hour when Dahyun woke up feeling discomfort on her bruised ribs. Trying to turn around she found out that Sana was still back-hugging her and her hand was placed a little over the bruise resulting to pressuring it a little. Dahyun tried pulling off Sana's arm but her hold was firm.

"Sana... Hey Sana, wake up." She said only to get pressed more as the other girl woke up. 

"Ouch! Sana you're hurting me.." Dahyun panted and the Japanese released her right away.

"I 'm sorry Dahyunie. Sorry, sorry, sorry.." She apologized.

"Just give me a moment." Dahyun said as she tried to relax and calm down her breathing.

"The others are out for the next three days. They will be back at Sunday afternoon. They will sleep at Jihyo's, Nayeon's and Jeongyeon's. So if you have something in mind you want to do we can do it."

"I don't have anything particular in mind." Dahyun answered as she turned to lay on her back staring at the ceiling, a frown formed on her face. Sana thought that it was because the girls didn't invite her on their houses, although if she thought of it clearly, Dahyun rarely went to the others houses, but she had just woken up and she didn't function properly yet. Little did she know that it was due to Dahyun's homesickness. She supported her head on her hand and her elbow as to face the younger one.

"If you want we can talk with them and schedule to join them. I believe Jihyo wanted to give as some space to talk, that's why we weren't invited. But we can change that if you want." She said smiling gently at Dahyun who still looked at the ceiling.

"It's not that." She answered and Sana waited because she knew there was more to be said but Dahyun didn't seem in the mood to talk at the moment. Sana knew better than to push the younger girl so she proposed they get up to eat breakfast.

  


They were eating their breakfast in silence -instant ramen- in the kitchen island when Sana's phone buzzed. She read the message right away, exclaiming a "Perfect!" causing Dahyun to ask what happened.

"Jihyo just texted me that she bought an ointment I asked her for your bruise. She left in our room."

"Huh... Thanks I suppose" Dahyun answered a bit nonchalantly and continued eating her ramen. Sana didn't let the Korean's behavior affect her in a bad way, she shouldn't get angry with her, they hadn't even talked yet. 

"Now that I think about it, I don't know if this ointment will be okay to use on the scratches on your hip. I forgot to ask Jihyo to buy something for it" Sana said looking at her food as she couldn't hide her frustration on the topic. They hadn't talk about it at all yesterday.

"Does Jihyo know about that?" Dahyun asked as the leader didn't talk about it. Maybe Sana didn't tell her, she thought.

"Yeah she knows. She didn't told me she won't mention it. Maybe she didn't want to make you feel too pressured. Or she would use it later in the conversation? If you didn't agree with her I mean. But she didn't have to say it. I know you might feel uncomfortable but don't. We won't judge you, we just want to see you getting better" Sana said and Dahyun nodded as she didn't know what to answer. 

She lifted her cup to drink the broth as she had finished her noodles, Sana doing the same with a minute difference. They both stood up and threw their cups on the trash can and took one bottle of water from the fridge each. Sana waited for Dahyun to walk out so she could follow, she didn't want to be the one to decide where they would sit, she wanted Dahyun to decide it, to sit where she would feel comfortable to talk.

To Sana's surprise Dahyun went to the living room and sat on the sofa. Sana followed her and sat next to her a few feet apart, giving her some space. Dahyun opened the TV and just scrolled through the channels. She wasn't a TV person so she didn't quite know what to choose. Sana watched her struggling until she found a documentary about pandas and stopped there. Sana didn't want to be aggressive so she let the girl take her time until she would feel ready to talk. She wouldn't initiate the conversation. 

  


After about 45 minutes Dahyun muted the TV but continued watching. Sana took the hint and focused on her, waiting for the speak that she assumed would follow.

"There are some things that happened when I was younger, before I become an idol, that made me like I am now. I don't know how to make an order of them and tell you, I haven't done it before and for most of the situations I haven't talked to anyone. Self-harming is- was controllable until these days. It helped me cope with the pain."

"I 'm not implying it was the right thing, but it served it's cause for me. I don't know how exactly to speak with you, I never talk about my feelings, so I need your help in this. I know it's me who has to speak, but help me somehow. I'll be sincere and if I get mad or uncooperative just give me some time. All these are new for me, even after saying all these things to you I feel exposed" Dahyun concluded bringing her head to her hands. 

She felt her guard falling little by little and even though it felt liberating, it also felt fearful and scary, and a little embarrassing, cracking her cell and letting someone see through, see a piece of herself that was on the dark for a lot of years and no one has seen. Sana sat closer to her but not too close to invade her personal space. She thought closing the distance would help the younger feel more comfortable.

"Thank you for telling me Dahyun. I 'll have everything you said in mind. Don't feel uncomfortable, I want to help you, not going to judge you, I will say it as many times you need to hear it to feel comfortable" Sana said while taking Dahyun's hands from her face and holding them. "Would you like me to ask you and answering? Would it be okay?" she asked and squeezed her hands a little to emphasize her questions.

She wasn't sure if this was the right way as Dahyun wasn't one who talked on her own, but questioning her sounded okay in her mind. Dahyun noded and squeezed back Sana's hands then freeing hers and let them rest on her lap, Sana retracting hers.

"So... About self-harming... When did it start?" Sana asked hesitantly. Dahyun was looking on the TV still playing, she didn't feel okay having eye contact yet.

"After Likey promotions"

"Almost two years.." Sana whispered. How didn't anyone was aware? How didn't they see what was happening? Dahyun didn't say a thing so Sana continued "How did you hide it?"

"I hurt parts that aren't visible. And it's always on our breaks so everything can heal until we're back on schedule."

"Why?"

"I can't stand free time. When we're on breaks I can't stop overthinking and that's the solution I found out to stop the pain. Physical pain stops the emotional one. Sometimes. I don't have problem changing clothes in front of the group but when this happens I choose to change privately. No one ever questioned it so that's why no one found out."

"My ribs aren't a problem as it is just a bruise that will heal, but cutting my hip the first time was a risk, I didn't know if it's gonna leave a mark. It healed okay though, so I never scratched too deep" Dahyun said, Sana trying to get her head around the younger's telling. It was shocking for her how casual Dahyun was talking about it. Like it was a daily routine and nothing more.

Sana was lost in her thoughts. Yeah, Dahyun wasn't talkative but she was always there for them. She would listen whenever some one needed help, she was a good adviser even when she didn't have similar experience. She was one of the most logical persons of the group. The girls knew that the cheerful girl on camera was just a facade but they always hoped sometime Dahyun could be really happy. Would Sana be able to hide something like that so well if she was in her position? Probably not, she thought. 

"Are there other ways you have self-harmed?" Sana breathed afraid of the answer she'll receive. 

"I have thought of other ways to do it but the two you know are the only ones I used" Dahyun said, Sana trying very hard to prevent her mind from assuming what more ways there are for one to harm themselves.

"How do you treat the scratches?" Sana asked having in mind to check them later. Silence was Dahyun's answer but Sana didn't talk either, she waited for an answer. Dahyun didn't really want to answer that she didn't treat them at all, knowing that it might made Sana angry but she didn't have another option.

"I don't treat them. Just let them heal on their own" Dahyun answered and almost turned her head on the other way as she felt Sana flinching. She expected this reaction from her. It was very irresponsible acting this way. They were idols, they knew how to take care of them self. They followed extreme skincare routines as to present a flawless image, including their appearance and their well-being. So Sana wasn't expecting Dahyun to treat her wounds this way, meaning not treating them at all. She waited to talk until Dahyun turned her face back at facing the TV.

"Okay... I'll make sure to buy something appropriate for scars and wounds. They seemed a little deep when I cleaned them. I have to say it even if it's obvious. No more self-harming, okay?" she said firmly, Dahyun nodding okay. "You explained yourself enough for yesterday, I don't know if I have questions on that day, me and Jihyo understood everything you said. If you feel pressured you just tell me and we have a break or stop talking on it for the day, whatever you need. Don't feel pressured for talking to me, we will walk on your pace okay?" Sana said, Dahyun nodding okay again.

"You wanna say anything for yesterday?"

"No.." she answered fiddling with her fingers on her lap.

"Okay... So the first day you mumbled 'When did it start' and then Jihyo walked in. What did you mean?" Sana asked a little afraid of asking directly on the topic. She kind of knew the answer, the meaning behind the phrase, but she couldn't assume the meaning by herself, Dahyun had to explain so Sana could understand.

"Okay, I never pictured myself explaining this, so give me some time to explain it the best way I can" Dahyun said turning her head to look at Sana, and it was Sana's turn to nod okay. Sana waited for her to compose her thought and turned to look at the TV as to not make Dahyun feel uncomfortable staring at her. A few minutes passed as she heard Dahyun taking a deep breath, interpreting it as to focus on her again. After exhaling her breath Dahyun began to talk.

"First of all I feel like I need to explain how it is. I'll tell you the thoughts that make it worse, but it's more than thoughts. The thoughts provoke pain but it's more than that. I constantly feel empty, like there is a gap on my chest that I can't close. I feel hopeless, like nothing makes sense or has meaning. Like there is no end in this, like it will always be this way."

"I feel numb, like I can't feel anything. I am not trying to go to darker places but sometimes my mind tricks me to think the worst option like it is the best. When we have normal schedules and we 're occupied all day long, I feel too exhausted to let these feelings overtake me, it helps me."

"But when we are on break I can't stand it. It is like I lay on my bed and there is an invisible blanket of darkness over me. Only that this feeling is constant. This blanket is over me wherever I am. Like however much I try it won't leave, it will only get bigger. And I tried a few times getting better but I couldn't so I gave up, it was pointless. I just got to live this way. I tried. The most exhausting thing than being like this is trying to pretend that you aren't. "

"I put my best effort and built this facade for fans, at least it worth seeing them smile. It makes me feel good in a way. But this feeling only lasts as long as we are in front of an audience. When the lights go out there is no relief. It was terrifying when we started, I thought I might go crazy but I couldn't leave. It was just the beginning, I couldn't destroy you or put a scandal on you."

" I was jealous of all of you being able to feel happy after the lights turn off, I was envy of you. I meant no harm. I love each and every one of you so these contradicting feelings balanced my head. My love for you erased the embarrassing feeling of jealous and envy . I just sucked it up and dealt with it. But it never left, it might got worse, I can't really tell."

" Because it is what it is. How can it get better?" she chuckles but her vision is blurry. It's never going to end, does it? Tears start falling as she continues "There is no way to measure it. It is not better or worse, it is the same pain, the same empty feeling. Sana, if I could describe how depression feels in one sentence I would say that it feels like drowning, except everyone around you is breathing" she concludes and sobs hard. 

It is the first time that she frames her depression out loud and she is in pain. Was that the right thing? Sana is crying and seems very shocked, maybe she shouldn't have talked to her, it was too much. How can she be so ignorant to think that Sana will be okay?

Her thoughts are getting crazy at the moment and she feels like she made the worst possible choice. She feels like she is getting lost on negative thoughts and there is no way out, her sobbing is getting a lot harder. Panic attack is ringing the bell . She is unaware that all this time she is looking at Sana's eyes completely lost. 

Sana isn't lost at all and looking into Dahyun's eyes all along she sees her spiraling thoughts. She can't let her get to the wrong place, make the wrong assumptions. She is sure that Dahyun feels guilty for telling her because she made her cry. With out waiting any longer she grabs Dahyun and sits her on her lap, hugging her tight with all the caring she can express. She has to make sure Dahyun will understand that everything is okay.

Dahyun leans on her shoulder and sobs making teary stains on Sana's shirt, it's really uncontrollable at the moment. Sana's heart is breaking feeling her almost trembling in her hug. She can't stop her own tears from falling but she doesn't sob. It's a total breakdown. Sana places her mouth near to Dahyun's ear as to talk-whisper her thoughts to her, trying to relax her in that way.

"Dahyunie.." she starts using the pet name to make the younger feel more comfortable "I am so sorry that you had to go through this alone" she continues and with one hand she's rubbing Dahyun's back in circle motions. "But you don't have to anymore. I 'm here for you, we all are here for you. I can't imagine going through this alone" she says and feels the tense leaving Dahyun's body a little. "

She feels her own tears drying and maybe she can make them both calm. "You didn't scare me. I just can't believe that everything happened under our nose and we were completely unaware. We should have known, we should have helped" Sana says and Dahyun's once calmer body starts to tremble again.

"No unnie" she says through her sobs "don't blame your self, it's all on me" she cries out. Sana can't help but think that there is clearly a very self-deprecating attitude on Dahyun but now it's not the time, she has to calm her down for now.

"Listen Dahyunie, you didn't scare me, I am actually happy for you to open this much for me" she says still caressing her back, her other hand brushing her blond hair in smooth motions "so please stop feeling guilty. I know it's scary talking about things you haven't talked to anyone. It's okay feeling scared. But please, believe me when I say I am happy you talked to me" she says and Dahyun's tremble gradually decreases. 

  


They stay like this for a good amount of minutes. Sana still caressing Dahyun's back and looking blankly at the TV, waiting for a reaction from the Korean who just sniffles occasionally. Sana's touch is so soft and she feels so calm in her hug, she doesn't want to let go. But she can't stay there all day, she is not known as a cuddler after all. She pulls back and looks at Sana's eyes who immediately focuses on her.

"Thank you unnie..." she says and Sana knows that this gratitude holds more meaning than 'thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder' type of thank you. She doesn't need to hear more. It's enough, this thank you is enough.

"We don't have to talk more for now okay?" Sana says and Dahyun gestures okay with her head. She is glad that Sana gives her a break, she was too tired to ask for it. But Sana isn't in shape of talking either. 

"Wanna apply some ointment on your bruise and then watch TV ?" she asks Dahyun.

"Yeah, sounds okay" she replies and she frowns at her croaky voice. She gets down from Sana's lap and the latter leaves to her room to get the ointment. She is back with in seconds. 

"Will you take off your shirt?" she suggests and Dahyun instantly takes her shirt of standing up and waiting for Sana.

"Lift your hand so I can apply it" she says and Dahyun lifts her right hand and bends her elbow so her hand is behind her head. The whole motion pushes her bra upwards toning her breast in the right way. In another occasion Sana would blush on the view, but her thought doesn't trail on that path, there is a huge bruise she has to take care and in front of her is her most loved human who is very much broken. 

"Don't take long, this stretch is kinda painful" Dahyun says apologetically and Sana opens the lid from the tube and applies some creme on her index and middle finger. She place is it over the bruise which is now brownish and yellowish, following the process of bruise healing.

Dahyun hisses on the cold cream feeling on her warm skin, instantly feeling relief from the coldness of it. Sana massages the cream all over the bruise and adds some more as the portion she calculated wasn't enough for the whole bruise. She repeats the procedure again and when she is done she puts the lid back on the tube and leaves it on the coffee table. Dahyun's ribs are buffing as the cream isn't absorbed yet. 

"Don't put your shirt on yet, you have to wait for the cream to be absorbed" Sana says and sits down to the couch. Dahyun wants to sit down too but she can't lean her back on the couch as the bruise extends a little to her back, resulting on having cream there too. She feels to tired to hold her self just sitting and supporting her upper body so she sits on the right side of Sana and lays sideways on her left side, her head on Sana's lap and her right hand extended over her head like a bow. 

Dahyun is facing the TV and Sana can't help but smile on the view, even if she can't see her face. She could gaze all over Dahyun's exposed body but she doesn't feel like it. It's not the bruise that stops her, it's the moment. It feels so pure and innocent. Having Dahyun in her arms and comforting and helping her.

She feels overwhelmed that she can help her through this, she feels guilty for not having a clue of what's going on on the Korean's head, of being ignorant all these years. She shouldn't be crying every time Dahyun opens up, it doesn't help Dahyun seeing her cry. She hadn't even told Sana what happened and Sana has cried a lot already. Sana knows that in order to help Dahyun she has to be her rock, not cry and sob.

Some tears escape her eyes and a little sob leaves her lips. She stays still afraid of Dahyun hearing her. Only then she is aware Dahyun has drifted to sleep. It make sense, she thinks, after all this crying. She leans forward a little, just as much as to be able to see her face. 

"I will be stronger from now on Dahyunie. I promise.."


	6. In her mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Grieving-loss  
> TW: Depression  
> 

It was a few hours later when Dahyun woke up. Sana hadn’t slept all this time; she spent her time thinking everything Dahyun had told her. They agreed to cook something to eat for dinner and watch more TV and then go to sleep. It was an exhausting day for both of them and it was self-evident that no more talking would happen today. They slept together again. 

The first to wake up was Dahyun. As it was summer, the weather was quite warm, but having Sana wrapped on her didn’t mind her at all, it was very calming and reassuring. 

When they were rookies Sana very often sneaked on her bed at nights and spooned her to sleep. Sana was aware that the younger had problematic sleep schedules and wanted to help her in her way. Dahyun liked the feeling of someone next to her holding her. That was for a few months until Chaeyoung and Tzuyu started teasing her. ’Someone is in love with our unnie’ Chae would say and Tzuyu would continue ’I want an unnie to cuddle me to sleep too’. 

Dahyun had explained to them that it wasn’t like that, it was only sleeping and no feelings involved, her intentions weren’t like that. ’Who talked about you though?’ Chae said and Dahyun froze. Of course her intentions weren’t like that. Sana’s presence had helped her a lot in the past months to have a calm sleeping time. 

What if Sana had caught feelings though? Dahyun didn’t- couldn’t think of her that way. There was no way that Sana could like her, she was sure she would never be worthy of someone like Sana liking her. That wasn’t the reason she stopped sleeping with Sana at all. The reason was to stop the teasing from her maknaes, nothing to do with Sana. 

Here she was three years later, in Sana’s arms, calmer than ever. Could Sana do this forever? Hold her and calm her? For the first time in a long she felt that maybe, a tiny bit, things could work out. She hadn’t open up to Sana yet, she had a lot to tell and Sana’s attitude only showed that she would hear anything with no judgement. 

She had to tell her her life story, and without realizing it she scrolled to every life event she had to refer in her mind, only making her tense up. 

“Hey, everything alright?” she heard a voice right behind her. “I can hear you thinking from here” she said and took a hand to rub circles on Dahyun’s back, making the Korean to relax instantly. 

“Yeah don’t mind me. Good morning” she replied as she shifted in Sana’s arms to face her. The look on each face was pure and calm, nothing more hiding on either –at least at Dahyun’s. It was weird for Dahyun waking up and not feeling numb, not overthinking, not feeling pain. It was the first day after a lot of days in all of that. Maybe it had to do with her admitting her self the previous day. Maybe having someone to share your feelings made it easier. 

“Breakfast?” Sana said and Dahyun nodded yes. They made their morning routines and ate breakfast. Dahyun wasn’t ready to talk yet, she wanted this feeling of calmness to last more. 

  


That’s how they found themselves on the studio downstairs with Dahyun playing the piano and Sana listening and occasionally using her phone. She played some classical pieces first. After she completed [Clair de lune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY) she heard Sana saying ’You would be a very famous piano soloist’ but didn’t reply anything. She started playing [Gnossienne no.1 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLFVGwGQcB0) by Satie. She was happy that she could remember all these pieces of music after all these years of not playing them.

Playing the piano felt bittersweet though. Since she had started her piano lessons, it became a constant in her life that made her happy. But, even though she couldn’t pinpoint when the hardships started, playing the piano was one of the things that made her make it through, easing her pain. 

That’s what made her stop playing classical music and start playing their own songs. She started by playing [Be as one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KHaAiNZWJE) as it always fulfilled the musician in her. As a song it sounded so simple, but it was embellished with beautiful transition chords and the harmonies where exceptional. She didn’t pause when she finished the song, immediately combining the end with the intro of the next one. She played sad versions of [Likey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu3YzHHxaS4), [Heart Shaker](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02JEeng7bNo), and [Yes or Yes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5IOZTLsyg0). 

Sana couldn’t help but notice the difference in her renditions. It wasn’t like she didn’t like her versions, she loved the melancholy touch on songs, but knowing that the sad versions depicted Dahyun’s emotional state made them less enjoyable. 

“Let’s go upstairs” said the younger “Lunch time. I hope you didn’t get bored waiting.” 

“Not bored at all, don’t worry” Sana answered with sincerity as she stood up and walked towards the door. 

They cooked their meal and ate in silence again. After, they found themselves on the living room with Dahyun searching once again a documentary for an animal she considered interesting. After she settled on the channel she remained silent for a lot of minutes. From the moment she stopped playing piano she was trying to put in order the events that she would share with Sana, so she took the most of her time to line her thoughts up. 

Sana new better than to initiate the conversation. She took notice that the younger always wanted to organize her thoughts before talking. Maybe it was due to her chaotic thoughts, because Sana new that when you don’t speak about something for a long time, the moment you begin speaking about it your mind loses the balance and harmony. So she just let Dahyun to have her time and speak whenever she felt ready. 

  


Sana was focused on the documentary when Dahyun cleared her throat seeking Sana’s attention. With a genuine smile Sana turned her head to face the Korean, prepared to listen. Dahyun just muted the TV and kept staring at it. “You asked me the meaning of ‘when did it start’. I think the meaning is obvious, these last days I was constantly thinking when did all these bad feelings started. I tried to put them in order. The first day when you found me I was thinking about my parents, about my dad to be more specific. But this whole issue is the latest of all so I‘ll leave it for last.” 

“So I will tell you some events that happened when I was younger. I am not sure if I was already in a bad place emotionally before them, but they definitely made me worse” she said and took some deep breaths before starting. 

“When I was 12 I had a classmate that died due to heart attack. He was very healthy and all, he just died one day while eating lunch with his grandparents. It affected me a lot, I couldn’t believe that someone healthy and young could be gone so suddenly. I was scared for some months; my mind couldn’t process the situation. I got over it eventually, like when you are informed about something shocking but after some time you go back to your daily life” a sarcastic smile formed in her face as she paused for two seconds but leaving as fast. 

“The year passed and I went to middle school. I had a friend that we grew up together; our parents were friends so we practically were like sisters. She helped in everything. Middle school is the time you realize what ‘feelings’ are” she says and chuckles bitterly. “There was a boy that I really liked a lot but I was never one to show it. Somehow he learnt about it and he talked to my friend. He told her that I seemed like a very nice girl, he was sure that I am the best person as best friend but I don’t seem like a girlfriend material” she stopped, feeling again 13 years old and embarrassed. Sana wanted to say so much but she didn’t want to interrupt the whole confession. 

“Of course my friend told me. I was already insecure, I was a little chubby and I didn’t feel good about myself. It made me more insecure, I stopped being interested in romantic feelings since then, I didn’t- don’t feel like I could offer anything to anyone. The only time that I think that I might got some feelings after that it was for my friend. But I am not sure about these feelings. It might was only on my head and nothing more.” 

Sana was looking her the whole time, trying to analyze every little flinch in her face. How can a person feel so much negative emotions, each different from the other? 

“After the whole situation she tried to help me overcome all these bad feeling but I couldn’t. It was like everything I was afraid I am was confirmed. She tried to hook me up with another guy, a very good boy a year older than me. He was one of the best students; he had good manners and didn’t hang out with the bad ones. But I couldn’t even think about it. Every time she mentioned it I just wanted to run. She stopped trying to hook me up with him and we focused on other things.” 

“She knew I liked dancing and every Saturday she was in my house to dance all day. I knew about her love for video games so every Sunday I was in her house to play. Of course after studying for the following week, that was the deal. We were doing plans for tomorrow. I wanted to be a biologist and she wanted to be a geologist. We were planning to study on the same university to be as close as possible. We were inseparable. We would sleep in each other’s house very often, like we were family members on the other’s family. I couldn’t see my future without her” she said, her eyes glassy and ready to spill some tears. 

Sana’s mind was overworking at the moment. How hadn’t she heard about this friend again before? Every girl new about each other’s non famous friends and friends before the idol life. How come they didn’t know about such an important person in Dahyun’s life? Maybe they weren’t friends anymore, Sana thought. 

“One day we were walking back home. She complained about feeling dizzy and tired. She was about to enter her house when she collapsed. I thought it was from the fatigue and I rang the doorbell until her dad opened the door and told him what happened. He tried to wake her up but she didn’t respond. That was when I realized how serious it was.” Dahyun couldn’t hold herself anymore, she left her tears flow free. She didn’t sob, she had cried countless times for this. Speaking about it couldn’t but break her heart once more, reliving the moment. 

“I went with her parents at the hospital. After 1 hour a doctor approached us. It was an aneurysm. It burst. She was brain-dead. The rest is obvious. Her parents cut off mine. They couldn’t handle seeing me alive when their only child was dead. At least she was an organ donor and saved some lifes while losing hers.” 

Sana wasn’t prepared for this outcome at all. She figured something bad had happened but didn’t imagine something like that. Of course she knew Dahyun wasn’t done talking, so she waited for her to continue when she would feel ready. Looking at her, her gaze empty and tears running down to her chin and neck. She was lost in her thoughts, maybe imagining the life she would have if her friend hadn't passed away. 

“I thought that I am alone against the world. I‘ve never felt more alone before. She was my best friend and she was gone. I was mad at every one. I was afraid every day that they’ll call me to tell me someone from my family is dead. The first few months were unbearable. I remember feeling that time didn’t pass and feeling stuck in a place.” 

“It must have been 6 lonely months when I tried to approach everything with a new view. I wanted to feel better. So I tried to take a step back, get my mind out of myself and look everything from an external point of view.” “It worked on the start. I could see that my problems were so tiny when there are people that don’t have food to eat or a place to sleep. That there are people who leave their countries due to wars and die in the process of finding a new land. That there are bigger problems than mine, people in need while I was healthy and had everything I need to survive.” 

“It worked. It really worked Sana” she said as she looked at Sana’s eyes sniffling. “Until it didn’t” and new tears were forming in her eyes. “While it helped me in the begging, I got lost in the end. I spotted the futility in the world. There is so much dark and pain and evil in the world, you know? There is so much pain if you open your eyes. We live in a bubble and forget that we aren’t the only ones that live on this planet. We have the privilege of comfort, of having a roof over our heads, of having a plate of food to eat, while kids are sick or die from hunger and people are exploited because they don’t have any other choice.” 

“There are so many things I can say. I just lost it. I felt like in a world like this nothing has meaning. Everything feels pointless. We’re going to die either way. This feeling, I can’t describe it to you…” she said and brushed her tears away. 

“One year later I joined the company. You know how hectic schedule you have as a trainee. It helped me to become exhausted and left me no time to overthink, but all these thoughts and feelings are still there.” 

Sana's head felt very messy. The confession took a major turn two times and she was feeling a headache larking. Too much info, and some subjects she had never discussed more than the common sense about the worlds problems. She was trying to number the issues she just heard when Dahyun’s chuckles disoriented her. 

“It’s funny how some personal problems ended up with existential crisis” she said bittersweet. Sana scooted next to her and hugged her, she wanted her to feel that she in not alone. 

“Don’t mock yourself, okay? Take your time to relax and give me some time to compose my thoughts. That was a lot of information.”

Both girls sat in silence for a fair amount of time. Sana's embrace helped Dahyun to ease her feelings. She talked about almost everything, excluding her farther. For some minutes she pictured another life where she hadn't become an idol. And even though she hoped for it, she couldn't see herself being happy in that version. She felt that happiness wasn't something she could have in any instance.

Sana untangled herself from the younger and took a little space as to be able to look at her, but reached to hold her hands.

"You know, as human beings we are going to die eventually. What we can't handle though is the idea of death. It's something that in no way a 12 year old is prepared to deal with, let alone experiencing it at that age. It was natural for you to be affected by the death of a classmate. At that age you aren't old enough to spot the bad things that happen around you. So living through something like this is a huge slap in the face. But it's true, it's human nature. You are right. A lot of times things happen around us that shock us and make us want to start living the best way we can, be the best version of ourselves and say 'I love you's' like it isn't a given. Until the initial shock fades out and we return to our daily lifes. It's not something you should charge yourself. Life goes on an so you did when it happened."

Sana than took a pause as to focus on the next topic in line. She had to be careful as to not involve her feelings in it. She didn't want for the younger one to misinterpret her intentions.

"So, you liked a guy and he didn't like you back, why did you gave up your love life for that guy?" Sana wanted to help her so much so she wanted to have a conversation on this topic for Dahyun to understand it. 

"I feel uncomfortable to discuss this. It's embarrassing" she said looking at her lap and avoiding Sana's gaze, her face as red as a tomato.

"You don't have to be embarrassed. I am here to help. You opened up and I will try to help with every way I can. But if you don't want me to do the talking I can just listen. It's your decision. I am here for you the way want me to be. Tell me and it's done." Sana really didn't know if Dahyun wanted her to talk and try to tell her her opinions and views to help her, and as they had just started on Sana's part she had to know. 

"No I want you to talk. If you don't then what's the point of all of this? If I just talk how will it help me?"

"Well you might feel okay by just taking them out of you. I don't know what you have in mind and we didn't discuss on it before."

"No, that way is pointless. I want to hear you. What's the point of you just hearing me and not saying a thing? I want the after-talk, and I want it from you. Otherwise I would go to a specialist. But I prefer you being my therapy" she said and if only she didn't look at her lap she would see the way Sana's face got extremely red. If only she knew how much these words meant for Sana. The latter was lucky that Dahyun avoid to raise her eyes due to her embarrassment on the topic. 

"So, I know the feelings you got through were when you were 13 but I see it didn't change until now. A guy didn't like you, why does that mean you aren't worthy of someone?"

"Because I was already insecure and that my insecurities were real." 

"But one guy saying he doesn't like you doesn't mean that every guy won't. Every person sees through different eyes. What I consider beautiful might seem ugly to you and vise versa."

"He said I am not a girlfriend material" Dahyun said and Sana wanted to burst in laughter feeling like she was discussing with the 13 year old version of Dahyun.

"That doesn't change what I told you right before. He is one person. He was only 14 Dahyun! What did he know about girlfriends and girlfriends material at that age? Whatever! He might liked girls that put make up even to go to school or girls that like fashion shows and dress like Barbies. Does this mean that there aren't any other types of girls and guys?" Sana was right and Dahyun knew it. It felt confusing to admit that she handled the situation the wrong way. But even though Sana was right, Dahyun couldn't suddenly expect for a love life. She still had her insecurities and felt she can't contribute to a relationship. These feelings she didn't want to admit and she stayed silent, not answering her.

"You can't say you can't give back anything in a relationship when you haven't tried at least once, to make that conclusion. " Sana knew that the whole mater was deeper and they would have to discuss it further another time, but the things Dahyun said stayed in her mind clear and intact so she wanted to express her thoughts briefly.

"Yeah but everyone knows a little better about themselves." Here they are, the insecurities again. 

"You have so many fans loving you and praising you, how don't you see you are beautiful?" 

"Fans see what they want to see. They see the perfect version they want to see on us, they see what they shape us to be for fans to love us, even obsess with us. And we won't have a relationship with a fan."

"I didn't mean to have a relationship with a fan but being beautiful for fans to love you doesn't mean that you are beautiful only in front of cameras. I see where you come from, we all have our insecurities on this topic and you know it. That doesn't make any of us less beautiful of or worthy. My point is that you can't deny something from yourself without trying it first." It was a conversation for another time surely. 

"Okay.." Dahyun replied as she didn't have the courage and the mindset to elaborate more on her insecurities. Sana noticed that and knew better than to press more on the topic. She had to move to the next one.

"I never knew about your friend" Sana said and kind of regretted it. It was obvious that she didn't know as Dahyun hadn't talk about her past to any girl until now. 

"Yeah.. She was an amazing friend" Dahyun said and her face formed a painful but genuine smile, her eyes becoming glassy again.

"I am sorry for your loss.." Sana didn't know how to handle that topic at all. It was something unfamiliar to her.

"Thank you" is all Dahyun could say. 

"I am not sure if you still grieving about her, but whatever you need I can do. Listen to your thoughts, or be the shoulder you cry when you miss her, or be the person you vent when you can't take it longer." Sana came to the conclusion that it was likely Dahyun had stopped adapting emotionally since she became a trainee and had tried avoiding her mind, by everything the younger had confessed.

"It's not like I am still grieving. It's more like I miss her and the empty spot of her will never get filled. It's scary to think that if she was alive my life would be completely different. And at this point I don't need your permission, you are already the shoulder I cry on" she said and chuckled, looking in Sana's eyes for the first time trying to express her gratitude to the older for being there for her.

"The best way to honor and respect our lost ones is to not forget them and keep them in our hearts. You don't have to fill her empty spot, she was special for you and no one can take that from her." Sana wanted to say that she wouldn't want things to be in another way, in a different one, that she wouldn't know Dahyun. It was selfish and it didn't sound right. But she couldn't imagine a life where she wouldn't meet Dahyun.

"Thank you Sana, you help me a lot by saying that" Dahyun said and squeezed her hands to emphasize it. Sana felt really happy, it was the first positive thing from the younger's mouth and the conversation had flowed smoothly until then. There was one last topic left. 

"The last one now, about existential crisis as you framed it..."

"Isn't it one?"

"Yeah I think it is. I think it is very easy to fall in one when you are strained mentally. I mean, you are already thinking in a negative way and thinking about more negative things only makes your mind spiral in thoughts and you come to a dead-end. I would never think of what you did though. Trying to view the things from the outside to stop thinking selfish about your problems. I find it smart. "

"But it didn't help me." Dahyun admitted.

"You said it worked in the beginning" Sana remembered.

"Yeah but then it didn't." 

"That doesn't make it any less a smart idea. You just weren't in the right state of mind to try something like this."

"Do you think it could work in someone else?"

"I think it could work on everyone, but only when their minds aren't full. You were in a very bad shape mentally when you tried it and it backfired. But I think it could work when one is whiny about a new phone or having little clothes, realising that you have enough. Not for thinking that a loss is not worth of being sad or angry" Sana said trying not to sound judgemental. She wanted to make a point but not being harsh about it. 

"You have a point... " Dahyun said and thank God for Sana, she didn't seem offended.

"That doesn't erase your feelings and thoughts. So in my point of view the world is not a bad place, it's a good place that happens to have bad things happening too, like every thing in life. Of course if we focus only on the bad things we 'll be disappointed and question the point of life it's self. But in the whole world we are given a life to live only once. We are lucky enough to be in the privileged side as you said, with minor troubles than other. A lot of people don't even consider that there are people in need through out the planet. But for you and the ones that spot it, the best thing is to act through it. It might be a donation, it might be any form of help, it might be a protest. Whatever you feel best. You may be able to make a huge change, you may not. But making even the smallest action will make you feel better, knowing that you contributed in the world being a better place even if its something as small as a granule of sand. "

Dahyun was looking at Sana dumbfounded and speechless. Sana could make her feel better and gave her a perspective she would not think on her own. She was very glad of talking to Sana.

"I never thought of it that way" she admitted.

"It's okay, everything you said to me was a lot. You don't have a very positive way of thinking and I hope I can help you work on it. You want to talk about anything? Or how you feeling?" Sana asked. It was already dinner time and the whole conversation had exhausted her. She wouldn't end the conversation if Dahyun wanted to talk more though. In the contrary Dahyun wasn't tired of the conversation as she was the on who listened and didn't do the talking after telling her life-story. 

"I feel better but there is a lot to take in so I think it's enough for today. Let's eat dinner and watch some TV after, hmm?"

"Of course. What about a tuna salad for dinner?" Sana proposed and Dahyun agreed.

After preparing their salads they ate at the living room watching a drama. They had talked for hours and the silence that followed was essential. Finishing her salad Sana put her plate on the coffee table and spotted the ointment tube. She picked it and read the instructions to check if it was suitable for wounds as well.

"We forgot about this today" she said and pointed the ointment to Dahyun. "When you're done eating prepare yourself for it." Dahyun took her time to finish her salad and after she picked Sana's plate from the table and took them to the kitchen. After cleaning them she took two bottles of water from the fridge and went back to the living room. She took of her t-shirt and lifted her hand for Sana to apply the ointment. When Sana was done and Dahyun was ready to sit on the couch to lay on Sana's lap, the Japanese stopped her. 

"The ointment is suitable for wounds too. Take of your pants" she said and tried not to blush. It wasn't like she hadn't see Dahyun in less, but they were never alone and the feelings from the conversation were still intense. Dahyun didn't have a problem though but in order to take them off she would might brush her ribs and displace the ointment.

"You do it unnie. I might touch my ribs trying to take off my pants." Dahyun said and Sana knelt instantly to hide her blush while taking the Korean's pants off. She stayed on her knees to apply the ointment on the younger's hip and took the longest she could to calm down her blushing face. Dahyun looked down at her and- oh! is she blushing? She couldn't tell as she could only see Sana's forehead. She would check when Sana was done. 

When Sana stood up Dahyun look at her face and it had its normal color. 'You stupid? Why would she blush?' she thought and just followed the Japanese on the couch. She laid again on the right of Sana, sideways, facing the TV with her right side on the air for the ointment to be absorbed. They had one hour more until they would go to sleep so it should be enough for it.

She was watching the TV but her mind was elsewhere. She couldn't believe how much talking to Sana made her feel. She had opened up and Sana's words had already helped her feel a little better, even though she hadn't talk about her parents yet. Sure she wouldn't be okay immediately, but the way Sana talked to her gave her hope for the first time that maybe she can work out everything. How stupid of her to think that she can handle it alone when Sana made her feel that she can hope for a better future only by talking to her? It was a breaking point. She gave her self a promise to try for the best from now on, lost on her thoughts and relaxing on the feeling of Sana brushing her hair.


	7. Claw marks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference to self-harm and self-harm marks

The Next morning they found themselves in the kitchen eating breakfast again in silence. It was the last day they would have alone before the rest of the members come back in the evening. Dahyun had once again a very good sleeping time in Sana’s arms even after revealing almost everything to Sana.

There was one last part that she had to tell her and she couldn’t but wonder how it will be after everything is out. What would they talk about after? She wouldn’t have more things to reveal and she thought that they might be done. Even though she was negative on the whole situation initially, she didn’t want to lose the comfort of having Sana next to her, and speaking to her made her feel secure. She got to admit that it helped her opening up although she hadn’t expected it.

“What happens after today?” Sana looked at her with a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

“I have one last thing to tell you. What happens after? I wonder. Will we be … done?” she asked looking frustrated as well.

“What would you want?” Sana asked. What she wanted was for Sana to sleep every night with her so she can feel relaxed. She wasn’t sure what would happen if Sana wasn’t sleeping with her, and tonight she would probably sleep alone as her roommates would be back.

“I don’t know. I don’t have anything else to tell you after what I tell you today. And it’s not like I am okay now that I told you. I feel better but that doesn’t change everything. I can’t be okay instantly” she answered trying not to reveal a lot of her thoughts.

“Let’s talk it out after you complete the things you want to tell me, okay?”

“Okay..” It took some minutes for Sana to finish her breakfast, Dahyun had already finished hers. Once she was done she took both their plates and utensils to clean them, Dahyun observing her.

“Can we go to the park?” It was weird for Dahyun to ask something like this, she wasn’t the type to go outside the dorm a lot, but she hadn’t been out of the dorm for a week and she wanted some fresh air to hit her face.

Sana froze in surprise for a few seconds. Her back was facing Dahyun who couldn’t see her astonished expression. She would never expect such a request from the younger one so early. Dahyun was such a homebody that Sana believed it would take a lot of days for her to get out of the dorm after opening up to Sana. Like she would feel exposed and she would try to compose herself after speaking with her. The whole propose couldn’t mean anything than that the Korean was feeling better and comfortable.

“Of course we can.” Sana replied with returning to her task of cleaning the plates. Thank God for Sana that she wasn’t facing Dahyun or else the latter would see her huge smile. She should definitely tell Jihyo about it, it was tremendous progress in just a few days. Thinking of this she remembered Jihyo telling her something about dinner on Sunday. She didn’t want to pressure Dahyun but she wanted to be fair and ask her about it, not taking the decision herself. It seemed the perfect opportunity to tell although her expectations were very low.

“You know, Jihyo told me to inform her if we want to have dinner today altogether. Do you want to do?” Sana asked as neutral as she could and turned to face Dahyun as she finished with the cleaning.

“I don’t feel like going unnie. I don’t feel ready to face the others or be in public places at the moment. But if you want to go of course you should” she said and hoped for Sana to not leave. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with her as she didn’t know how much time they would have from now on.

“I intended to do what you want. I’ll just text Jihyo that we’ll stay here” she answered as she smiled to the Korean to reassure her that it didn’t mind her. Dahyun smiled back with relief and mumbled a thank you.

“Is it okay to leave in 30 minutes?” Sana asked her after checking the time on her phone. It was 9:30 and it was Sunday so they had to be early in the park before families and people get to the park around noon.

“Yeah” Dahyun stood up from her chair. “I am gonna have a quick shower and prepare.” She said as she left the room.

  
  


The dorm was located on the outskirts of Seoul, in an area that was mostly resided from families. It was a company tactic for their idols to have more privacy and to be able to move as freely as possible in the area. The residents respected their privacy most of the time. There were some rear incidents through the years but they were mostly safe from the public eyes.

The park was located in a five-minute walking distance from the dorm. It wasn’t huge but not small either. It would take around 20 minutes to walk the designated path in it. There were fields of grass that people could picnic or tables to use for the same reason. There were benches throughout the park and in the center, there was a lake that usually had ducks splashing around. It was beautiful and the members would visit very often either to have a walk or for jogging. As it was somewhat early there were very few people there. Living so many years in the area the girls knew that the park would be packed on lunchtime.

"Do you miss your home?" They had just entered the park when Dahyun asked.

"I miss it a lot. But I feel like home here so it isn't that bad, the feeling I mean." Sana didn't expect such a question. She didn't expect questions to her face in general. It was odd for Dahyun to start it in such a way. She already knew that the last topic would be about Dahyun's parents. Her relationship with her parents was perfect. For some reason, she didn't want to tell that to Dahyun, but she couldn't lie about it. She just hoped that Dahyun wouldn't ask.

"How come you don't visit more often? It's not that far, and I'm sure the company wouldn't mind." They were walking on a path that led to the lake.

"Well it's not that close."

"It's a two-hour flight to Osaka. And we take flights so frequently that it feels like we take the car."

"I go at least once a year, maybe twice? I want to go when we have extended breaks so I can stay a lot of days. I don't like staying for 3 or 4 days. Every time I stayed for such a little time it felt like I was there only for one day. And it messed me up mentally because I wanted to go back." Sana felt a wave of sadness on the thought.

"Why didn't you go this time? There was enough time for at least a week or more if you wanted." Dahyun was right; the break was 20 days long. She would go but she didn't want to leave Momo alone. The company had asked Momo to prepare some choreography for the comeback and she decided to combine it with vocal lessons. It wasn't like Momo couldn't work it out, but with Mina's absence Sana didn't want to leave her.

"I wanted to have the first days to relax from everything and then start practicing dancing. And go to the gym to build some stamina as we have a comeback on our way and you know how much I lack it." It wasn't completely a lie but it wasn't the truth either.

"You know you don't need extra practice on dancing. And let's be honest. You won't go to the gym for more than one day." They were walking next to the lake and Dahyun moved towards a bench that was facing the lake. The bench was protected by the shadow provided by some trees behind it. They didn't really need the shadow as they were wearing baseball caps. Sana's cheeks were pink from the compliment on her dancing skills. She followed the younger one but leaned over to hide her blush with her cap. 

It took a few moments for them to talk again. They were both gazing at the lake and once again Sana waited for the younger to talk. It took a lot of time though, more than the previous ones so Sana turned to face Dahyun. The latter was tense and her hands that were placed on her lap where trembling. 

"Hey.." Sana reached to cup her hands with her own "We don't have to do it now if you don't feel like it, it's okay." Sana waited for a reaction, something. Dahyun kept looking at the lake for some more minutes and then spoke.

"My parents didn't want me to become an idol. My mom is okay now, we have a fair relationship but not the one we had before. My dad though.." Sana was aware that she knew very little about Dahyun's life. They knew whatever the younger would share. They didn't know about her parents. It was weird that they didn't attend anything all these years but the girls had assumed it was due to their beliefs. They knew Dahyun was from a Christian family and they kept a low profile. So they didn't find their absence completely strange .

"And how did you became an idol? They had to give their consent for you to enter the company" Sana asked as she couldn't figure it out herself.

"It's not like that. They never told me I can't. They told me I have the free will to do whatever I want. They never stopped me from doing what I want. They just didn't approve of my decision." Sana couldn't relate. Her parents were so supportive that is felt very weird thinking a parent wouldn't.

"Why? Has to do something with religion?" Sana asked.

"No, not at all. We are religious but not as conservative and traditionalist as you think. It has nothing to do with our religion. It has to do with their views. Their beliefs. They don't- Actually I am not sure about my mother, I think she just embraces his views most of the time without thinking for herself. So I will talk about my father. He doesn't believe that people who got fame are worthy. He finds fame disdainful. He believes that people of fame are vain, egoistic and self-obsessed, self-centered, narcissistic. Believe me, I can tell you a lot of labels, I got a really long lecture when I told him."

"But you are anything but these labels." Sana said confused and angry.

"He knew I wasn't. But he was sure that I'll become." Well, Sana was very mad and at the moments she wasn't sure she would be able to address the topic after Dahyun would be done.

"Did you tell him why you wanted to become an idol?"

"No I didn't. If I had I believe he wouldn't let me. Only in that instance, he wouldn't let me."

"Didn't your family help you? Your brother? Didn't they see you weren't okay?" How can a parent see them kid in a very bad situation and not help? Sana never experienced something like that and it felt unacceptable.

"It wasn't only my loss. I told you we were like family members in each other's family. Plus, my parents were friends with hers from high school. They were a crew of four. So when she died and her parents cut mine out, it was very difficult. They were grieving for a kid they felt and treated as their daughter. They wanted to help her parents but they couldn't. We don't have a tight relationship with any of our relatives, and her parents were closer than anyone with my family. So, when I searched for comfort on them they couldn't provide any. We were in the same situation. The difference was that they were more composed and could handle it better as they were adults. My brother was already studying at the university so he wasn't around a lot. We talk every so often, but our relationship never got very tight. He wasn't opposed to me becoming an idol at least." A bittersweet smile formed in her face. She might haven't her parents support, at least her brother promised he would be there whenever she needed him.

"How is your relationship with your parents now?" Sana knew part from the answer. The younger avoided going back home. She thought it was for the same reason as hers, that it was far and she wanted more time with them. She had never thought that scenario.

"It was quite well until we debuted. They would come on weekends to see me. They were there in their way. It's not like we were very expressive to each other with words, but we expressed it through hugs and kisses. It was enough. Although, I could see it in their eyes every time they were here. There was an underlying question. Will you quit? Will you come back? They never asked me. I believe they knew I wouldn't go back, but they hoped for it. Until we debuted. The first and last time they came to see me. They came backstage to talk to me I think? I am not sure what their intentions were. I was very happy and waited for a hug and congratulations. But their faces were blank, featureless. He told me -and I quote- It's not enough Dahyun. Money and fame won't make you happy. I stayed there frozen looking at them dumbfounded. They left. It hurt me a lot. I tried to go back home with every chance I got. I knew they wouldn't come to Seoul for any event of ours." 

"In the beginning it was somehow okay. I would visit for as long as I could. I missed them a lot. He wouldn't say a thing about my choice and he would still give hugs and kisses. These hugs and kisses became rarer and rarer gradually. As bigger as we were becoming as a group, he was becoming more distant. Until our Likey promotions. I visited on the break after. You know how it was one of our best eras until then. Well, I visited and he didn't acknowledge me. We had a huge fight. I left earlier than I had planned. I think I only stayed for two days. I didn't visit again. When I came back, that was the first time I self-harmed." Dahyun looked at Sana feeling guilty about the self-harm part and Sana was looking sad with the whole confession.

"Sorry, I thought of explaining everything before answering your initial question. Well, it's obvious that I don't have any kind of interaction with my father. My mom reached out and we talk once every month. She texts sometimes. But it is not like before. It will never be I think, to be honest. Even if I quit everything and go back -which I am not willing to do- it will never be back to normal. So yeah, that's all." Dahyun felt the tension leaving her body as she relaxed her shoulders. It's done. She had said everything to Sana.

"That's not all. You didn't address your feeling. I would like to hear them if it doesn't make you uncomfortable..." It wasn't like Sana wanted to press her further, but she knew that by expressing her feelings she would release a big amount of stress, maybe pain too. She wanted her to vocalize them, she believed it would help her. It seemed that it had worked the previous days.

"My feelings?" Dahyun leaned a bit forward looking on the lake, her hands grabbing the wood on each side of her legs, her knuckles instantly becoming white. "I am mad. I am mad because they don't accept my choice and they aren't happy for me" she said a bit harshly. "I am mad because they weren't there for me when I needed them the most. I am mad because when they stopped kissing and hugging me it felt like a punishment. I, I.." she leaned her head more, looking at her lap. Her grip on the wood had loosened and her hands were red as blood started to circulate after the release. Her eyes were glassy but she tried to restrain the tears. She had cried so many times the previous days and it was enough. She couldn't cry again. Sana was waiting for her to continue.

"Although I am mad, I can't blame them. They had to face the same situation or even worse for them. They could have helped but they couldn't in the same time. I just miss them so much." she said and looked up to the sky trying to keep the tears in her eyes. It was pointless though, as tears fell at each side of her face. "I needed their support and I don't have it; I won't have it. It's my parents and I need them. It's just very difficult to accept that I can't have them even after two years of everything being obviously settled." Dahyun was trying very hard not to sob. But small sobs escaped her mouth.

Sana, being the empathetic person she is, had tears forming in her eyes too. She moved closer to Dahyun to take her in her embrace to hold the apparent break down that would follow, and to hide her own tears. She couldn't even imagine living through such a situation with her parents, and only the thought of it was hurting her. Crying was inevitable. 

Dahyun's little whimpers became loud sobs. Sana held her head and position it on her upper chest, holding her as close as possible. She was gazing over the lake waiting for the younger to calm from her break down. There were already some families at the park, and in front of her on the side of the lake, some children were feeding the ducks. Although it was a very soothing view the innocence of the children made her feel melancholic. She felt the younger in her arms relaxing, only sniffling.

"I' not sure what to tell you to be honest..." Sana couldn't find the words to justify Dahyun's parents actions. She didn't want to talk about this topic. The whole thing made her mad and angry. It was clear that her thoughts weren't something that would help Dahyun.

"It's okay. You don't need to." she replied still leaning on Sana.

"You know that you have a big family here, right?" Sana was tracing circles on her back with one of her hands, a movement that she found out was calming the younger one.

"Yeah.. I am very grateful for that. Although I'm not sincere with our group." There was a bittersweet feeling in her words. 

"Why do you say this?" Sana couldn't help but ask.

"Because I am hiding from all of you- well, except you now."

"You never hid from us, you were clear from the beginning. You said you were depressed and you were handling it, so no one overstepped." Although we should have she said in her mind.

"But everything I told you is my life. I'm sure it makes you feel like you don't know me at all." Sana felt her trying to hide more on her shoulder. It was apparent that she was embarrassed.

"You know that's not true. Everything you shared with me doesn't change the way I see you, doesn't change the Dahyun I know. I might didn't know your story back then, I didn't even know it until a few days before. That doesn't change your character and personality, it just might explain some parts of it. But it doesn't make me feel like I don't really know you. It's your story and it's your decision to tell it or not." I just hope you had told me sooner.

Dahyun untangled herself from Sana and stood straight on the bench. It was her turn to gaze over the lake.

"You know, you can be harsh on me, you don't have to always make me feel like it's everyone else's fault."

"You think? I find it enough that you are too harsh to yourself." Sana turned to face the Korean who was still looking at the lake, wearing an inexpressive facade. Sana took a pick at the time on her phone. It was almost 12:30. They should leave soon. 

"Do you consider opening up to the others?" Sana was still thinking about the last part of the conversation. It would be very good for both parts to learn what she had learned. She was sure the rest of the members would help as well, and their bond would become even stronger.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet." Her voice cracked saying the last word and Sana turned to look at her. She was in a panic state and hands were shaking once again. Of course, Sana cupped them to calm her down.

"It's okay, you don't have to if you don't want." she said trying to sound as reassuring as possible.

"I would like to tell them once I'm better. Maybe after the comeback or on our next break." Sana was surprised to hear that. She didn't consider that she would get better after the comeback. Their schedule for the next album would be completed at most in two months from that moment and in Sana's mind, it would take a lot more time for Dahyun to get better. But having the younger one admit something like this only meant that she was thinking positively, and who was Sana to doubt her? 

"Okay, whenever you're ready." she said and squeezed her hands a little, then stood up. "Let's go back. It's almost lunchtime"

  
  


Currently the time was about 3 pm. They were in their familiar position on the couch watching TV with Dahyun lying sideways with her head on Sana's lap and her wounded parts glistening from the ointment. They had cooked and eaten after getting back, and now they were feeling sleepy from the food. With Dahyun facing the TV Sana could observe her wounds better.

The bruise had a pale yellow on the edges becoming bolder on the inner parts. There were a lot of brown bruises inside the yellow, some were lighter but some bigger ones were darker and Sana could only assume they were the ones from the last time she found her downstairs. It was a big bruise, but the fact that Dahyun's skin was as white as canvas only made the damage more apparent. Maybe in another skin color it'd seem less brutal. 

The scratches on her hip had each a thick dark brown scab. Sana wanted to peel it of them so much that it felt funny. They looked like claw marks but the precision and the thinness were giving out that this was not work from an animal. She knew that they would heal slower than the bruise. It would take a few days for the scabs to fall but the scars would take a lot longer. She shook her head a little to get over these thoughts. She still had to discuss something with the Korean.

"So, about the question you asked me earlier... What would you like from now on?"

"I don't know. I know that it helped me feel better talking to you and opening up" she said and shuffled a little to look at Sana. She wanted to be sincere although she was afraid, but after all these confessions it wasn't the time to close to herself again. "I'm afraid that it was temporary though. I don't know how to make it last more." She admitted. 

"Okay, how about that? Whenever you want to spend time together you tell me. And every time your thoughts overwhelm you you come find me to discuss it. It won't matter if we have already talked about it. We will discuss it again and again until you can ease it. You just come find me and we will work it out. Just don't let it overtake you." Sana was smiling at her, trying to pass her some positivity. But her words only made her feel frustrated. It wasn't like she didn't want to spend as much time as she could with Sana. She found her idea excellent, except that it made her feel like a burden.

"I don't want to occupy your time..." she said and turned her gaze on the ceiling avoiding Sana's intense stare.

"Can I decide how I spend my time, please? You said you'll let me help you, so let me." she said and stroked gently Dahyun's hand that was over her head as to not touch her buffing ribs.

"Okay..." it was the last thing Dahyun said through half-closed eyelids, Sana's stroking only helping her get faster to sleep. It didn't take much for Sana to drift to sleep too, as the low sounds from the TV felt like lullabies in her ears, leaning back to rest her head on the top of the couch.

  
  


It was almost 5 in the afternoon when the rest of the group came back home. Jihyo intended to have dinner with Sana and Dahyun and as they declined the offer, she had lunch with the rest of the girls so they can have dinner all together at the dorm. She wanted them to be back early as to cook the dinner and not order take out.

Tzuyu was the one to unlock the door and get in first with the rest following. They knew it was possible the two girls might be sleeping so they entered quietly. As the first one to enter the living room, Tzuyu froze in place on the view of Dahyun sleeping with her head on Sana’s lap only with her bra and panties, her bruised ribs and scratched hip both exposed and glistening from the ointment.

Only one second had passed when she felt the person behind her bumping into her back hissing a low ‘what the fuck’ and then picking from Tzuyu’s left side to see what had happened –it was Chaeyoung. Jihyo was the last to enter the dorm, and seeing the girls in front of her freezing in place only made her speculate what they had faced.

Until she reached through in front, everyone was already on the living room in different stages of shock, gazing at the two sleeping girls but in particular at the younger’s harassed body. Jihyo hadn’t seen the scratches although she knew about them; Sana had informed her. 

"Fuck.." Jihyo whispered. 


	8. Rip off the bandaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference to self-harm and self-harm marks

A whispered ‘fuck’ slept through her lips and she didn’t even think about scolding herself. Her only worry was Dahyun’s privacy being exposed to the rest of the girls. It took so much effort and persuasion to convince Dahyun to talk to Sana. If Dahyun felt exposed to everyone the leader knew it would make the situation even worse.

She stood in front of the girls signaling them to leave the living room and go to their rooms. It took a few seconds to do so, frozen from the view. She went closer to inspect the younger’s body, happy to see that the bruise was healing but devastated to see the scratches. She was thinking of ways to avoid telling Dahyun what they all saw. They couldn’t leave the dorm when they just got back but they couldn’t hide either. 

Jihyo went to her room to take a thin sheet to cover Dahyun; she would tell her that she arrived first and she covered her as to not expose her to the others. While she was covering her Sana opened her eyes and looked at her. She didn’t grasp on the situation at first but Jihyo’s look was full of worry and her mind connected all the dots, speculating the rest.

“Alone?” Sana whispered as low as possible.

“No. Everyone’s here” Jihyo answered and Sana winced at the confirmation that they all saw Dahyun’s exposed body.

“I will have them in our room to talk. Please take her downstairs as if we haven’t arrived yet. I‘ll wait for you to go down before talking. Give me 2 minutes to take them in our room” Jihyo whispered and Sana just nodded positively.

Jihyo uncovered the sheet carefully and left the living room. She opened the first door of the hallway -the maknaes room- facing two dumbfounded girls looking back at her.

“You both come to my room immediately as soundless as possible!” she whispered and left the room to enter the next one –Jeongyeon’s and Momo’s room. They were sitting on the bed, Jeongyeon looking at her lap, and Momo sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the floor. Jihyo closed the door because she hadn’t got their attention and didn’t want to raise her tone.

“Girls,” she said a little louder than a whisper, and both girls looked at her with empty gazes “you come to my room right now. Don’t make any sound, please” she said, the view in front of her worrying her a lot. How could she take that image from their head?

As she opened the door to leave to her room both girls stood up to follow her, at the same time the maknaes stepping out of their room, resulting in all of them tip-toeing to Jihyo’s room. When they entered they found a shocked Nayeon sitting on her bed curled in a ball with her knees in her chest and her face on her hands. After everyone entered, Jihyo closed the door.

“I don’t wanna hear a word until I say so, okay?” she said a little louder than a whisper and saw Nayeon push up her head to look at her. No one responded or nodded. “Please girls. Just wait a few minutes, please” with some of them nodding, some staring at her still in shock.

Jihyo then opened slightly the door -only a tiny crack- to peek outside on the hallway, waiting for Sana and Dahyun to walk downstairs. It wasn’t difficult to see as they had to pass in front of her room to get to the door that led downstairs. Said door was the next after Jihyo’s room but on the opposite wall of the hallway.

  
  


In the living room Sana was waiting for the little noises to stop so she could wake Dahyun up. When it became completely silent she gently tapped Dahyun’s arm causing the younger to groan through her sleep-awake phase. Sana saw her squinting her eyes to look at her as she wasn’t adjusted with the light yet and chuckled on the sight.

“Don’t try to get sleep off of you, I want us to go downstairs because we don’t know when the girls will be back and you still have cream on you. So let’s go downstairs okay?” Sana wasn't allowed to feel guilty for lying at the moment, with how messy the situation was. She would think about it later.

“Mhmm” was the only answer she received as Dahyun took a moment to decide to stand up. When she indeed stood up, she looked back to see Sana telling her “I’m coming, go”, Sana gathering Dahyun’s clothes and both of their phones and following the younger girl downstairs.

Dahyun wasn’t fully awake and wasn't wearing her contact lenses either, so her vision was in very bad shape. She had almost reached the door when she stumbled and fell on the wall on her right, her elbow pushing into her bruise and then falling on the floor in pain. Sana saw everything as she was a few meters behind and run towards the girl.

Dahyun let out choked sobs as the pain she felt was as piercing as a stab. Sana sat down enveloping her in a hug and waited for the girl to calm down, brushing her hair in the meantime. She could hear her struggling to breathe taking small sharp intakes.

"Breathe Dahyun." Dahyun looked at her trying to speak but she couldn't. She opened her mouth but no sound came out, only small sobs.

"Try to breathe Dahyun, please..." Sana could see her face getting redder.

"I-It h-hurts," she said trying to inhale.

"I know but you have to calm down." Dahyun took a large breath yelping and felt her rib cage expanding and extending her bruise resulting in a painful sting on it. She sobbed louder from the pain but this helped her breathe more. It took her some minutes to stop sobbing, tears still leaving her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how you stand me crying all these days” Dahyun said trying to dry her tears. Sana didn’t want to expose her like this. She knew the other girls were on her room listening what they said but she couldn’t prevent Dahyun from talking without suspecting a thing.

“Let’s go downstairs to put some ice where you hurt,” she said to the Korean but Dahyun didn’t seem in the mood to move.

“You know, I didn’t say it earlier because I was afraid to accept it, admitting it makes it real,” she said and took some deep breathes before talking again “If I hadn’t become an idol I don’t believe that I'd be alive right now,” she said and Sana instantly shivered in the thought. “I wouldn’t make it. But being an idol has restrictions, and I can’t do some things or some bad habits." she stopped for a second and Sana wondered if she was picturing again a different scenario than the reality. 

"I just can't stop thinking of different outcomes. This is the best-case scenario I suppose, being an idol and finding a second family" she concluded, a chuckle escaping her lips again, followed by small sobs. She had just admitted a great fear, a heavy thought of hers. It didn't make her feel better or lighter as she hoped but it made her understand better the reality.

Sana didn’t want to have this conversation with everyone hearing them but she had to tell something. It took her some seconds to gather her thoughts and overcome the shock from the Korean's words. It was too much.

“But you became an idol and you are here now. We will work things out. It is useless to think about what would have happened if you’d never become an idol. Because you can make a lot of scenarios in your head using ‘ifs’ but that ain’t it. Don’t let your thoughts trail on that path, making assumptions. Work with reality. In reality, you are an idol and you have a family here that loves you a lot.”

“You are not alone and everyone is here for you. Everyone is here for each other. As long as you want it I will try my best to help you. But, you know it too; you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get helped. And that’s not the case with you. So stand up to go downstairs, enough for today don’t you think?” Sana said and stood up, extending her hand for Dahyun to help her get up too.

She would say the same things if they were alone, but in her mind, she knew how the other girls would react and think so she framed it the best she could to fit both sides. Saying what she said was a way to tell the others that everything will be okay, that they will work it out.

They went downstairs to the room with the couches, Dahyun immediately falling in one of them and closing her eyes. She lacked so much sleep that she wanted to sleep for days. Having Sana next to her prevented her from overthinking, so these past days her sleep was very comforting. It took her only two minutes to drift to sleep. Sana was awake sitting on another couch, waiting for the younger to drift off. After she was sure Dahyun was sleeping she texted Jihyo ’Let me know when you're done upstairs. I want to talk with you'.

  
  


Jihyo opened the door slightly, just a tiny crack to see Dahyun and Sana passing by and make sure they went downstairs. She first noticed Dahyun passing by only to hear a loud thump afterward. Broken sobs were coming from the younger as Sana ran the hallway to the now sobbing girl. Jihyo couldn’t see them as they were past her door and she was facing the other side. She turned around to see some of the girls with teary eyes and some not knowing how to react, looking around.

"Breathe Dahyun." they heard Sana say. For a few seconds, they couldn't hear anything but small tiny breaths.

"Try to breathe Dahyun, please..." Sana said again "I-It h-hurts" was the answer from the younger. "I know but you have to calm down." The next thing they heard was a yelp followed by loud sobs. 

Jihyo waited on the door, hoping the two girls would go downstairs soon because the current situation was worse than she wanted to admit. Every sob she heard only made her want to go outside to help the younger one although she knew Sana was doing an excellent job. It took a few minutes for Dahyun to calm down and Jihyo thought that now Sana would take her downstairs. She was facing the girls all this time but she was still next to the door. For a moment she closed her eyes to concentrate her thoughts.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how you stand me crying all these days” she heard Dahyun and opened her eyes only to face five pairs of eyes looking back at her. It was obvious they all could hear the two outside the room. Jihyo considered closing the door but she couldn’t as firstly it would definitely make a sound and secondly they'd still be able to hear the conversation as it was only outside the room and Dahyun was talking in high volume not being aware of their presence.

“Let’s go downstairs now to put some ice where you hurt” they heard Sana say and Jihyo crossed her fingers for the younger to agree.

“You know, I didn’t say it earlier because I was afraid to accept it, admitting it makes it real,” Dahyun said and Jihyo noticed the anticipation on the faces of the girls in front of her. “If I hadn’t become an idol I don’t believe that I'd be alive right now. I wouldn’t make it. But being an idol has restrictions, and I can’t do some things or some bad habits." The words were so painful to hear that no one could hide the pain they felt. Jihyo felt a piece of her heart ripping apart. She hoped the others wouldn't feel like this. 

Everyone in the room was holding their breaths and Jihyo saw Chaeyoung ready to sob from the shocking words. She nodded to Jeongyeon who seemed the calmer of all, sitting next to Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon laid her down to put her face on a pillow to muffle her approaching sobs.

"I just can't stop thinking of different outcomes. This is the best-case scenario I suppose, being an idol and finding a second family." Jihyo was ready to smile a little on the last part but the sobs coming from the Korean once again stopped her. What was all that? Family problems? What else? She couldn't figure out the meaning behind Dahyun's words but it wasn't her place to do either. She stopped her train of thoughts and hoped for Sana to be in a better mindset to answer something comforting to the younger's words.

“But you became an idol and you are here now. We will work things out. It is useless to think about what would have happened if you’d never become an idol. Because you can make a lot of scenarios in your head using ‘ifs’ but that ain’t it. Don’t let your thoughts trail on that path, making assumptions. Work with reality. In reality, you are an idol and you have a family here that loves you a lot.”

“You are not alone and everyone is here for you. Everyone is here for each other. As long as you want it I will try my best to help you. But, you know it too; you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get helped. And that’s not the case with you. So stand up to go downstairs, enough for today don’t you think?” hearing Sana getting up made Jihyo relax a little as the two went downstairs. She waited to hear the second door closing downstairs and then she closed her door.

She laid her back on the door and slid down to the floor. She wanted to cry so much but she couldn't, she had to be strong for all of them; the negative side of being the leader. She wasn't ready to talk yet, neither were the other girls. They took a lot of minutes, most of them crying. When everything she could hear was sniffles she focused back on them.

“Jihyo… What.. W-what happened?” it was Nayeon who spoke first. As the oldest of the group, she was worrying for everyone all the time without showing it until the moment someone needed help. Everyone was facing Jihyo except Chaeyoung who was still facing the pillow. Jihyo stood up and walked to her bed. Nayeon was sitting on hers, Momo and Tzuyu on Mina’s and Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung on Sana’s.

“Whatever we say here you won’t talk to Dahyun” Jihyo replied.

“What? Why?!” Chaeyoung instantly sat up on the bed wiping her tears. It broke Jihyo's heart seeing her like this. Chaeyoung intended to talk to her best friend as soon as possible and Jihyo’s restrain wouldn’t allow it.

“Because it took too much effort to make her talk. And she is talking only to Sana. If she hears that you all know I don’t think she will take it in a good way.”

"But I want to help her. How can I and Tzuyu act like we don't know when we stay in the same room? Jihyo I can't do this..." Tears were streaming from her eyes again and Jeongyeon reached to wipe them. 

"I know you want to help her. Everyone in this room. But the best way is to give her time and privacy." the leader said looking every one of them, finally looking to Chaeyoung waiting for her agreement. The younger avoided her eyes as she was struggling to make peace inside her head. Her mind knew that Jihyo was right but her heart wanted to speak with Dahyun, be there for her.

"Chae..." Tzuyu said and waited until the Korean looked at her. "It's okay, we will make it work," she said with teary eyes. The three of them being the maknaes and sharing a room, being the School Meal Club, they were very tight with each other. Tzuyu saw Chaeyoung struggling and didn't want her to make the situation worse. Being uncooperative would help no one at that moment. 

"Okay unnie.." Chaeyoung said to Jihyo. The latter was very grateful to the youngest of all as she was just a span before losing it. 

“What happened Jihyo? Did she… did she do this to herself?” Jeongyeon asked.

“Yeah she did.” Jihyo didn’t know a lot herself, but she felt it was wrong to expose the younger’s struggles to the other girls. She knew it shouldn’t be this way. If Dahyun wanted them to know she would tell them. But they all saw and she had to tell them, explain it somehow. She knew she couldn't leave them with no answers.

“How is Sana involved?” Nayeon asked.

“She found her on the studio late at night earlier this week and I walked in and found them.”

“Found what?” Nayeon asked again.

“She was self-harming when Sana entered. You don’t need to learn the details. We agreed that she will talk with Sana.”

“That’s why you had as out of the house all day on Thursday?” Jeongyeon asked this time.

“Not exactly. I’ll tell but try to stay calm okay?” Everyone nodded okay and Jihyo took a deep breath before talking. “Okay, she agreed to talk with Sana but during the day she felt that Sana couldn’t take it due to Mina’s and mine situation. She felt she would be a burden and some other feeling I don’t wanna recall. So when everyone was asleep she went downstairs and got drunk and self-harmed again.”

“I don’t know a lot of details about that but you saw her wounds so I know as much as you know. Sana went downstairs the same time she went the previous night but it was too late. She took care of her and informed me when I woke up. I wanted you out of the dorm so she can talk to me freely. I told her she has to see a specialist but she got really mad. In conclusion, we agreed that she will talk to Sana and if she can’t see a difference she will tell me and will go to a specialist” Jihyo concluded and took some deep breaths as recalling everything that happened the past few days made her heartbeat like she just ran a marathon.

“I love Sana but I don’t believe she can help. It’s a very dangerous topic and if this is happening for a lot of years I don’t see how any of us can help her change it” Jeongyeon said. Chaeyoung tensed a lot next to her and stood up looking her in the eyes.

“You can’t force her do something she doesn’t want!” she said sharply.

“Helping her doesn’t mean doing what she likes!” Jeongyeon greeted through her teeth.

“Relax girls, please!” Jihyo interrupted them before it escalates in a bigger fight. “I see your point Jeong, but Chaeyoung is right. Forcing her to go to therapy without her will will only result in her having a break too. You heard Sana. Everything she said means that Dahyun is there and she is trying. Change won’t be seen in a day, it takes time. So gather yourselves up and be there when she needs us.”

“Okay Ji.. Can we talk with Sana at least?” Nayeon asked.

“No you can’t. Don’t make Sana feel uncomfortable. She tries her best. Let her do her part and don’t pressure her. But please, don’t act differently from now on, don’t look Dahyun different or act differently. When the time comes I believe she will open up to everyone. It’s very early, let’s not ruin it.” Jihyo looked at the girls and they all nodded okay.

“Momo, Tzuyu, you haven’t said a word,” Jihyo said.

“It’s just a lot to take in..” Momo said and Tzuyu just added a “Yeah”. Jihyo waited a little more to see if anyone will speak.

“I can’t understand, if this is happening for some time now, how didn’t we see it? I feel pretty guilty” Momo was looking at the floor and it was obvious that everyone was feeling the same way.

“I don’t know but feeling guilty won’t help neither of us right now. So take your time to ease with the situation. If you want to talk about it we can but be discreet.” said the leader and waited for further questions.

"Jihyo.." it was Momo again. "Don't misunderstand me, I believe we are all worried on the same level for Dahyun but..." she looked at her fingers on her lap and started fiddling with them "..what about Sana? You know her struggles with everything that happened a few months ago. If Dahyun's problems are as bad as they seem to be I don't know if she will be able to help her. Not that she can't. But... we all know she is in love with her and I am afraid of how she will handle it." she said and looked up to Jihyo.

"You all heard how she handled her out there. I wouldn't be able to think what she said while I had just heard something like that. I think she is okay Momo, don't worry."

"I'm not saying she can't help her Ji. I believe she is the best of us in that. But you don't get it. She loves her. It's not the same for us and her. She can get very hurt by something she learns about Dahyun because she loves her. It's not the same as us. She is invested in her, so every info she gets is a way to learn more about her. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it though. I just wanted to talk it out." Momo concluded and shrugged her shoulders.

"No it's okay. Don't hold your thoughts inside -any of you. Momo, if Sana feels the need to talk she will tell me, please don't worry" Jihyo hadn't thought that side of the problem. Maybe Momo was right. She should talk to Sana about it. She waited for further questions but none came.

“Unnie, I am sorry for being aggressive,” Chaeyoung said to Jeongyeon as she was still standing in front of her.

“It’s okay” she answered as she grabbed the younger and sat her on her lapped, hugging her. "I'm sorry too".

Jihyo took the time to check her phone and saw Sana’s message. She stood up to walk out of the room.

“I ‘m going down to talk with Sana. When Dahyun comes upstairs you tell her that we arrived 30 minutes before if she asks” Jihyo said and left the room. The girls went to their respective rooms to change clothes and tide up the bags they got for their gate away.

  
  


**_[Jihyo]_ **  
**18:35** I'm waiting in the studio.

Sana read the message and stood up quietly to go to the next room. What she didn't expect was to open the door and face Jihyo sitting on the piano stool crying. She closed the door and approached her immediately, standing in front of her and enveloping her in her arms. Jihyo buried her face on Sana's stomach and small whimpers eventually became sobs. It wasn't a strange thing for the leader to cry in Sana's arms but it was rare. She was the only person that Jihyo aloud to see her cry. Surely, after her dating news, the girls had seen her cry a lot but she couldn't help it. She was trying to hold it the best she could. Sometimes it wasn't enough. 

Sana knew better than to talk to her, so she waited for the Korean to calm down. She was sure that everyone upstairs was as shocked as she was the first time that she found Dahyun self-harming. And thinking about the girls overhearing what Dahyun said in the hallway only made things more complicated. They didn't know anything, even Jihyo didn't know. Jihyo had to calm them down and hold herself so this breakdown was the consequence.

"What happened Ji?" Sana asked as she felt her a lot calmer.

"They want to know, they want to help. They are shocked and Chaeyoung wants to talk to her very much. They are shocked Sana. Momo and Tzuyu barely spoke. And Nayeon was so broken. I wanted to cry so much, I don't know how I held my self. I told them to not act differently and wait until she wants to talk to everyone. I believe they will behave. But Sana... What was that...? The thing she said in the hallway..." Jihyo detached her face from Sana's stomach to look up at her. 

"Jihyo..." Sana wiped some tears from Jihyo's face. "She told me everything Jihyo..." Sana thought of every topic they discussed. She had made a list in her mind for everything she learned. Going through the list only made her eyes fill with tears. She hadn't cried the last two days, keeping the promise she gave to a sleeping Dahyun. But now she could feel everything that she avoided herself to feel when Dahyun confessed her problems to her.

"Hey.. Don't cry Sana. Just talk to me..." Jihyo took Sana's hands and interlocked their fingers. Sana was looking at her but her gaze was unfocused. She wasn't there.

"Sana..." Jihyo brushed circles on her hands with her thumps to emphasize her presence and take Sana out of her thoughts.

"She went through a lot, before becoming an idol. She wasn't supposed to be here Jihyo. She was supposed to be a biologist, not an idol. S-she wasn't... She wasn't sup-posed to be here..." Sana was breaking down and Jihyo couldn't understand a thing from her words. She stood up to hold her better, eventually sitting down with her afraid she would collapse. It was her turn to wait for Sana to calm down.

Jihyo was in a dilemma. Should she ask Sana more or should she stay out of it? She had agreed to learn only whatever was necessary. In her mind, she meant about the self-harming thing and the progress of Dahyun. She trusted Sana to help her and she trusted Dahyun to be sincere with Sana. She didn't want to intervene on Dahyun's privacy.

But Sana was there too. Momo was right after all. What if she needed someone to support her too? It wasn't like Sana wouldn't be affected by the things she would learn. She had feelings for the Korean and maybe that was a mistake that Jihyo hadn't thought before. Now it was too late to correct it though. The only thing she could do was let Sana tell her what was burdening her so she could feel better and continue her work on Dahyun without any heaviness.

"Tell me about you, what happened. But please tell me only the necessary..." Jihyo said as she was stroking her hair waiting for Sana to speak.

"She had a best friend. They were like sisters. They would go to uni together. She died from an aneurysm. Dahyun couldn't handle it. She became a trainee to occupy all her free time as to not overthink. This is the main reason for everything but there are a lot more, not only this. When we talked about it she said about wondering how her life would be if she was still alive. And I... I-I thought..." Sana was trying to restrain herself from breaking down once more. "I thought that I wouldn't want anything in another way because I wouldn't meet her if her friend was alive... And I felt very guilty because I could see the pain in her eyes...." Sana let herself break down completely. The guilt was eating her up. 

Jihyo was shocked from the revelation; not for Sana feeling guilty but for Dahyun having such a burden inside her. How much could she handle if this was the main reason and there are a lot more? Jihyo shook her head to clear her thought; it wasn't the time for this. But this was exactly what Momo had told her. This was an emotional toll for Sana due to her feelings. If any other girl was in her place she wouldn't feel like this. For Sana it was different. The situation couldn't change though, as Dahyun had already opened up to Sana and the damage was done. It's not like Jihyo could tell her to open up to someone else. 

"Don't feel guilty. It's okay feeling like this. You love her. But don't think like this. It is wrong. Do as you said earlier to Dahyun. Don't wonder about the 'ifs'. This is the reality, Dahyun is here and is an idol. Don't put yourself through this process if you want to help her. It won't help you." Sana was a mess but her sobs were small whimpers now. 

She took her time in silence to think about what Jihyo had just told her. Jihyo was right. What's the point to advise if you can't apply it to yourself? She shouldn't think that way; it was the love she felt for her that made her think that way, the fear of losing her. But there wasn't any chance to lose her; she was there and the past had molded the present to what it was. She shouldn't think about 'ifs' or how they could be if things were different. Things weren't different.

"You are right Ji. I will use a different mindset on this from now on. Thank you so much..." she said and leaned her head on Jihyo's shoulder only sniffling now.

“Why didn’t you tell me you‘ll be back that early? I thought you would go for dinner. If you had text me we could prevent all of these.” Sana said. She wasn’t accusing Jihyo, she just felt frustrated. 

“I got your text that you won’t come for dinner so we went for lunch. I wanted to spend dinner together, all of us. I didn’t think it would be such a huge slip-up. Sorry..” How she did such a mistake, Jihyo couldn’t explain. She couldn’t have known in what state the two girls were but it was on her to inform Sana about their arrival. 

“Don’t be. The damage is done. We have to face it now. I just hope they will behave and not show they know. Although I feel guilty for lying to her…” 

“Yeah but it’s not like we can tell her that the girls know. We have no other option.” 

“I know…” Sana felt pretty guilty but saying the truth to Dahyun was the last thing she could do. It wouldn’t help her and she couldn’t even guess how the younger would react. And with the Korean giving her positive hints she couldn’t even think of losing the slightest progress they made. 

“Listen Ji. I know everything seems very bad right now. But I wanted to tell you some positive things that she said to me. Firstly, she asked me to go to the park this morning and we went for 2 hours. I didn’t expect her to propose leaving the dorm after opening up! I thought she would stay inside for the rest of the break!” Sana said and the happiness in her voice made Jihyo smile. 

“Really?” Jihyo was indeed surprised as she didn’t expect a different thing than Sana. “That’s great! Did you have a good time?” 

“Well, she told me about the last thing she wanted to confess. So after she was a mess but I know it helped her. I asked her if she would like to tell the girls about everything and she said she wants to but not right now. She thinks doing it after the next promotions or on the next break. But Jihyo, it made me so hopeful! I didn’t think she would be a lot better after the promotions; it’s just 2 months from now. But she thinks she will be better! She wants to get better! It’s such a good thing to hear from her!” Jihyo could spot Sana’s anticipation and it made her hopeful too. It was an unexpected but good outcome after all. 

“That’s good to hear. I hope everything turns out well” Jihyo said and hugged Sana. “I’m going up to prepare dinner with Jeong. We'll have dinner at 8:30 so manage your time.” She kissed Sana and left the room. Sana checked her phone –it was 7:30. She stood up and went to the next room. 

  
  


She tried to enter quietly but she failed, closing the door a little harder than she should. Dahyun shifted on the couch and looked at her through squinted eyes. She felt a little cold as the room was in the basement and the temperature was lower so she stood up to get her clothes and dress. 

“You okay?” Sana asked. 

“Yeah I just feel a little cold” she replied while putting on her clothes. 

“How are you feeling?” Sana could see that her face was too unexpressive compared to earlier. 

“I’m okay” she replied. She didn’t know if Sana was asking for her hurting before or about her emotional state. She wanted to avoid answering the latter. “It doesn’t hurt a lot, I’m good” she added intending to avoid further questions. Sana had seen through her but couldn’t pressure more. 

“The girls are here. We’ll have dinner in an hour.” She saw how she clenched her jaw avoiding looking back at her. 

“Good” Dahyun replied and sat back on the couch. There was a moment of silence as neither talked and Sana couldn’t decipher her behavior. It wasn’t like something had happened. She had just woken up. Why was she so distant and cold? 

“I’m going up to have a shower. Will you come upstairs?” She didn’t want to leave her alone in that state but she couldn’t stay either. Besides, they had to act normal in front of the girls. They couldn’t stay together all the time, even though the other side knew everything. 

“I’ll come later, you can go,” Dahyun said without looking at Sana who just mumbled an ‘okay’ and left. 

Dahyun couldn’t understand her feelings. She had opened up at Sana. Why did she felt that void in her chest? She should feel better at least for a little bit longer. Why had the feeling of comfort left her already? She hoped it would last all day long. She wasn’t feeling like she felt before talking to Sana but she wasn’t feeling better either. 

She laid on the couch staring at the ceiling lost in her thoughts. She had to go upstairs in a little and she didn’t feel ready. The girls didn’t know about it but she had opened up to Sana. And to do so she had to demolish every guard she held. She could feel that everything was out on the open; her emotions and her pain. She just had to find a way to bottle everything up before going up. 

It wasn’t like the girls could spot the difference if she behaved the same as always. She wasn’t in a good mood so there wasn’t gonna be a difference with her behavior in the last days. She just had to mask the feelings she was sure her eyes betrayed. 

A buzzing sound from her phone disrupted her train of thought. 

**_[Sana]_ **  
**20:20** Dinner in 10’

  
  


Entering her room to put her phone on the charger she faced her two younger roommates cuddling on Tzuyu’s bed. It wasn’t something out of the ordinary; these two cuddled a lot. What caught Dahyun’s attention was their faces. They looked sad. 

Chaeyoung was laying on Tzuyu's side with her face on her upper chest while Tzuyu was rubbing circles on her back. They didn’t hear Dahyun entering the room, their gazes unfocused. 

“Hey, you alright?” she asked stepping to her bed to connect her phone on the charger. They looked back at her with surprised looks. Dahyun couldn’t decipher if what she distinguish in their eyes was a worry or something else. Hadn’t she masked her expressions well enough? 

“Yeah, we’re just a bit tired,” Tzuyu told her but Chaeyoung avoided her eyes. ’Weird’ she thought. 

“ ’kay.. Rest well tonight then” she said and left the room to go to the kitchen. She could hear the chatters coming from the kitchen as she walked over there. Once she was there said chatters vanished. She looked at them –all of her 5 unnies sitting on the kitchen island waiting for the maknaes to start the dinner. 

“Hey..” she said and proceed to sit on a stool on the rear next to Sana and in front of Jihyo. 

“Hey you,” said Jihyo and smiled at her as she stood up to serve the food, Jeongyeon doing the same as well. Jeongyeon seemed kind of tense and when she looked at Dahyun she gave her a big smile but it felt weird. There was a moment of silence again, Dahyun couldn’t see Momo and Nayeon as they were sitting on the other side of Sana. 

“Did you have fun?” she asked as she couldn’t stand the silence. Not that she didn’t like it. But it was one thing being the silent one and another having everyone being silent. 

“Yeah, we had. We cooked a lot and my parents taught Tzuyu some Korean recipes.” Dahyun wasn’t sure but she thought she saw Sana with her peripheral vision gesturing ‘no’ with her head at Jihyo. She chose to skip it. 

“Cool” she replied and smiled as if it didn’t sting her heart that Jihyo had such good parents. 

“What did you do to Chae and Tzu? They seem very tired” she asked as Jeongyeon placed a plate with food in front of her. 

“What do you mean?” she asked back. 

“I found them cuddling in our room and they seemed very out of it. They told me they are tired. Did you guys made them run all morning?” she said and chuckled a little, her chuckle relaxing everyone in an instance. 

“I took Chaeyoung for a little hiking. She surely lacks a lot of endurance.” 

“Who lacks endurance?” said Chaeyoung entering the kitchen with Tzuyu. 

“You,” said Jeongyeon, and everyone chuckled as Chaeyoung furrowed her brows. 

“You told me it was only 2 kilometers. Guys! We did 5!” she said sitting on a stool and folding her arms in front of her. 

“It was supposed to last an hour and a half and with your whining, we made double the time,” Jeongyeon said trying to look disappointed but her smirk was apparent. 

“Yah! I don’t have the legs of an ostrich to dash through the hills!” she replied playfully looking offended making everyone burst in laughter. 

  
  


The dinner went smoothly with the girls letting Sana and Dahyun know what they did the past three days. Dahyun tried focusing on them but there were some tiny moments she was lost in her mind. She probably hadn’t done a good job of hiding her feelings as she caught some glances from the other girls when they thought she wouldn’t spot it. 

After dinner they all sat in the living room to watch a drama. She didn’t want to participate but Sana was adamant. This is how she found herself sitting on the rear of the center couch with Sana on her left side. 

She really tried to watch the movie. The first thirty minutes were an introduction to the plot. Something about a poor girl being in love with a rich guy. Not interesting enough for her to keep watching. She didn’t leave but her gaze was unfocused on the TV screen, lost in her thoughts again. 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she felt eyes looking at her. She turned lightly to look on the couch on the left, finding Chaeyoung looking at her with an indescribable expression. It barely lasted a second as Chaeyoung turned her gaze on the TV instantly. 

'What was that?’ she thought but didn’t make it to think about it as she felt eyes on her again. She tried to fight the urge to look for the intruder but it was inevitable. Turning a little on her right she caught Momo’s eyes on her. 

She locked her eyes with hers but Momo didn’t look like she saw her. She was looking at her but she wasn’t at the same time. She was lost in something that Dahyun didn’t want to know. 

She was trying to understand her look. What was that? She looked in pain but not like she was in pain? It reminded something to Dahyun, something she couldn’t define. When had she seen again that pained expression? 

She kept looking at her, Momo not realizing she was staring for a lot of minutes until a huge blast of music came from the TV. For just a moment, the moment that Momo had realized what she did for the past minutes, she panicked before turning her gaze on the TV and everything was made clear for Dahyun. 

She couldn’t feel her body. She felt numb and her bottom lip trembling. Everything felt wrong. How? Why? Everything was making sense now. Her body started shaking and Sana noticed. 

“You okay?” she whispered to her ear. She stood up to leave the room but Sana reached for her wrist before she was able to take a step. She stayed on spot, not turning to look at her. She could feel every pair of eyes on her. She couldn’t take it. She took a step and Sana left her arm. 

Entering the kitchen she made sure to stand to a spot that wasn’t visible from the living room as the door's position was giving a good view inside the kitchen from there. 

She stood with her back on the door walking to the sink. Her whole body was shaking and she could feel her jaw trembling and her teeth creaking. She was trying to focus on something else but her mind was sure. 

How did this happen? Why did this happen? Was she so naïve to trust them? She felt naked. She felt betrayed. Her mouth felt dry and her hands were blurry as she looked at them. She picked up an empty water glass from the counter not sure if she wanted to drink water or to fill her hands with something to stop the shaking. 

She felt a hand in her shoulder and flinched to avoid it, turning around to find Sana looking back worried. 

“What happ-” she began, extending her arm to Dahyun but Dahyun interrupted her. 

“Don’t” it was cold and hostile. Dahyun took some steps back to create a distance from Sana not able to read the pain in Sana’s face. 

“Talk to me…” Sana pleaded while tears were forming in her eyes making them glassy. 

“Why.. why you…” she couldn’t say it. She wanted to be wrong but she was sure she wasn’t. How she wished that she had read the situation wrong. She was sure she didn’t. 

“Why what?” Sana’s voice was full of agony. Dahyun couldn’t face her so she looked down at the glass she was holding. Some drops landed on it and only then she felt the moisture in her eyes dripping on her cheeks and down on her throat. 

“Why you told them?” She felt a knot on her chest, she felt the familiar pain forming again. She hadn’t missed it at all but maybe it could offer some comfort from the mental pain that was coming running to her. 

“Told them what Dahyun?” Sana couldn’t decipher the meaning behind her words. Dahyun was feeling like she was mocking her. 

“Don’t do this” she looked up at Sana with a sarcastic smirk. “I know they know. I can see it in their eyes. Why Sana?” The tears were streaming like rivers, she couldn’t stop them. Everything was meaningless. The past three days meant nothing anymore. She could see Sana struggling to find the words to answer her. 

Sana’s mind was running at the speed of light, thousands of thoughts in her mind. She couldn’t stand how broken the girl in front of her was. She wanted to hug her and make her forget everything. The situation was different though. How did it come to this point? Jihyo told her that everyone will behave. Why did she believe her? 

They were a group that no one would hide. They were transparent with each other. Even Dahyun who wouldn’t open up was transparent when she wasn’t feeling well. How Jihyo did expect them to achieve hiding their feelings when it was something they never do? It was inevitable and Dahyun would find out sooner or later. How to tell her though? There was only one way; to rip off the bandaid. 

“They saw us sleeping in the living room earlier.”


	9. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference to self-harm marks

The piercing sound of a glass breaking on the floor felt like deja-vu for Sana once again. They stood frozen looking at each other. Sana knew they shouldn’t move as they were both barefoot and the floor was covered with shattered glass. They were standing several feet apart, though for Sana it felt like miles. 

“Dahyun” she called but it was pointless. Although Dahyun was looking at her she was lost already. She couldn’t hear, she couldn’t move. She felt frozen. She knew it was over now. She couldn’t but think about how everything is going to be after that. 

Everything she tried to achieve all these years was destroyed in a moment, the moment she told Sana. No, no it wasn’t that moment. It wasn’t Sana’s fault. It was her own. It was the moment she was reckless enough for Sana to find her that night in the studio. It was all on her. She was thoughtless that night and now it came to bite her back. 

She tried to focus back on Sana, to tell her that everything is over, only to find everyone standing behind her. She couldn’t stand their gazes. Jihyo was whispering something in Sana’s ear and she extremely wanted to avoid Sana’s eyes. She looked at Chaeyoung instantly regretting it. Her best friend had such a painful expression that it caught her breath. How was she supposed to face them now? 

It clicked on her mind that earlier when she talked to Sana on the hallway they were on the dorm already. The must have listened to her confession. They knew her darkest thought. And what did Sana say before? They had walked on them in the living room? And where was Sana when she was sleeping downstairs? Had she told them everything? Her stomach twisted on the thought. Never before had she felt more ashamed or exposed. She had to leave the kitchen. She wanted to vanish right there, right at that moment. As she raised a leg to take a step it felt like she was working on slow motion. 

“Don’t move!” someone shouted. Right before her foot touched the floor for the first step she felt a body crashing on her own, holding her in place. It was so fast that her mind didn’t register someone running to her. Said person wrapped her hands around Dahyun’s body to keep her on spot. She felt a rush of adrenaline overwhelming her. She fought hard, trying to repel whoever was holding her, not caring for the person’s identity. 

“Stop! I won’t leave you. There is glass all over the floor, you’ll get hurt.” It was Jeongyeon. It was ironic how she was the only one wearing slippers making her able to step through the glass. She wasn’t strong enough, Jeongyeon was stronger but she continued her fight to untangle herself from her. Jeongyeon’s grip got tighter and tighter and her efforts became useless. 

“It’s gonna be okay. Calm down. It’s okay” Jeongyeon said peacefully in her ear repeatedly. As the adrenaline shipped out of her body slowly, she began feeling everything again. Jeongyoen’s whispers only made her feel more hurt. For one thing she was grateful at that moment. Jeongyeon being a lot taller than her was enough to hide her from the rest of the girls. She felt safe and unexposed to the girls. She buried her head on Jeongyeon’s chest, closing her eyes trying not to think anything even for a moment. 

Jeongyeon felt her relaxing in her arms and started rubbing circles between her shoulder blades, whispering things to calm her down, words she thought would reassure her that everything will be okay. It only caused the younger one to break down, feeling she didn’t deserve the care she was receiving. She was a sobbing mess on her unnie’s embrace, holding tight fists of Jeongyeon’s shirt, not able to stop herself feeling all these wrenching emotions. She wasn’t thinking, she wasn’t able to. She just felt everything incredible agonizing. She was trying to stop herself from crying feeling embarrassed of the girl who was holding her, but the harder she tried the worse her sobs became. 

It was a weird thing. Whenever she was crying she would always lose count of time. She couldn’t tell how much time had passed when she stopped. It was like everything had frozen until then. She didn’t move, she waited for Jeongyeon. She felt her turning a little to look behind her. 

“The floor is clear now Dubu,” she said and untangled her arms from Dahyun to take a step behind to look at her. Dahyun didn’t dare to look back. Looking over her unconsciously though she saw Sana waiting with Jihyo on her side, no one else there. Her eyes were red and puffy, full of anticipation. She couldn’t face them afraid of what it might provoke on her so she just took the step to Jeongyeon hiding behind her body again. 

“What would you like to do?” Jeongyeon asked her very gently as she was about to break if she used any other tone and stroked her hand through her hair. What she really wanted was to run away, run as far as she could. But it wasn’t an option as much as she wanted to. She didn’t have somewhere else to go, she couldn’t escape in any way. 

“We can’t stay here all night. Do you want to go to your room?” She couldn’t reply. She wanted to tell Jeongyeon to leave her here, to leave her alone but she couldn’t voice it. She tried to formulate a word that it only came out as a whimper. 

“Okay, okay... not to your room. Do you want to go down with Sana?” Dahyun grabbed Jeongyeon shirt in her fists and buried her body against Jeongyeon’s. The last thing she wanted was for Sana or Jihyo to spend the night with her. She felt Jeongyeon turning her head again to look behind. 

“Leave us alone and tell Momo to sleep in another room,” she said to Sana and Jihyo. She didn’t turn immediately and Dahyun was sure she discussed through the eyes with the other girls. Trying not to focus on Sana’s breathing that was pounding in her ears, she waited for Jeongyeon to do something. After some minutes Jeongyeon untangled her arms again and took a step back. 

“We’re alone now,” she said and Dahyun let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Jeongyeon stepped to the fridge and took a bottle of water, opening and handling it to Dahyun. 

“Drink some, please. You are surely dehydrated now.” Dahyun drunk, trying to avoid her eyes as she downed the whole bottle. Her throat was incredibly dry and her body felt dehydrated as throughout the day she had broken down more than three times. Although she felt embarrassed and ashamed and that she didn’t deserve the care Jeongyeon was giving her, the older’s actions provided her security.

  
  


Jeongyeon helped her with her night routine and changing into her pajamas before they laid on the double bed in her room. She turned her back on the older to avoid further interaction. Jeongyeon knew better than to talk to her. 

She focused on the older’s breath waiting until she'd fall asleep. She wanted to make sure that Jeongyeon was sleeping to think about everything as she knew that once she'd start analyzing everything, she couldn’t avoid crying. 

Once Jeongyeon’s breaths became steady she began unfolding today's events. She woke up scared about how her relationship with Sana would be after today. Sana and she went out to the park where she told Sana about her parents and felt better even though she had broken down after. It was a new feeling that she wanted to experience again. Then, before her nap in the living room, Sana told her that she'll be there for everything, deflating her hesitations and reassuring her. 

Then she broke down again in the hallway, confessing something she would never have if she knew all the girls could hear her. She napped downstairs and woke up with a weird feeling that she didn’t know how to handle. Sana couldn’t help with that so she didn’t mention it. When she went upstairs and walked in her room she found her roommates in a bad shape but it would have never crossed her mind that they knew and they had heard her confession to Sana on the hallway. 

Now everything made sense. That gaze on Chaeyoung’s eyes, the way they were comforting each other on the bed, the awkwardness and silence once she entered the kitchen, everything made sense. They knew and she was so naïve to spot it from the start. And the way Momo had looked at her was the same painful expression she saw on Chaeyoung, it was the same expression that Sana sported when she found her the first night in the studio. It was all the same. How didn’t she spot it when she entered her room to charge her phone? 

How could Sana lie to her and act like the other girls weren’t there? She wasn’t in a state of mind to wonder how she would have handled it if Sana had told her the truth, she couldn’t think clearly. 

Now she was in a position where she hadn’t imagine she could be, not that soon and not in that way. Sure she wanted to open up to all the girls and she wanted to do it by her rules. She couldn’t though, not anymore, not when Sana had done it for her without her permission. 

Her mind was in a fight of accusing or not Sana. What would she do if she was in Sana’s place? It wasn’t Sana’s fault that the girls found them in the living room, was it? But why Sana didn’t tell her the truth? Isn’t truth better than lies however much it will hurt? Did they plan to lie to her altogether? Was it going to be an act with her being unaware? 

Yes, she definitely couldn’t blame Sana, it was too complicated. But again, how could she not blame Sana when she had trusted her with everything she had hidden in her heart and now everyone knew? 

Right there, it hit her completely. Everyone knew. She hadn’t realized it earlier from the shock, but now every inch of her body felt numb. Everyone knew. And as if it wasn’t enough that Sana had told them, as if it wasn’t enough that they had heard her in the hallway, they had to walk on them in the living room to find her sleeping only in her underwear with her wounds exposed in their view. 

The rage of shame took her whole body. How disappointed everyone must feel about her? How could she face them after everything? She couldn’t stay in this room for days. Once the morning would come she had to face everything and everyone, and she didn’t want to. She wished for the morning to never come, for time to freeze right there. There wasn’t a solution on the horizon and everything felt wrong. How did everything escalate so badly in a matter of hours? It was all on her, it was her fault. Had she been more careful she- 

Her train of thoughts stopped when she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. She wasn’t aware that for the last few minutes her body was shaking and her eyes were streaming silent tears. For her bad luck, Jeongyeon had been awakened from her shivering body. The older pushed her shoulder to make her lay on her back and then pulled her other shoulder to make her lie half of her body on top of hers. 

She couldn’t resist the older’s doings feeling really weak. She buried her head on Jeongyeon’s upper chest and continued her crying. It was helpful but it wasn’t at the same time. She knew that being in the arms of someone she loved so much would help her calm down and sleep eventually, but the guilt and shame weren’t going to wear off easily. Plus, she didn’t know what time it was and she had woken up the older one with her doings. 

“I’m sorry” she mumbled, barely a whisper. Jeongyeon was sure that if it wasn’t for the deafening silence on the room she would have missed it. 

“For what?” Jeongyeon didn’t want any apology, it was unneeded. She only asked because she wanted to take the slightest glimpse of what was happening on Dahyun’s mind as the girl hadn’t talked in hours and this was the first thing she said to her. She waited a few seconds, a response never came. She could feel the shivering body on top of hers and started rubbing circles beside Dahyun’s shoulder blades. This only made Dahyun begin sobbing, adjusting her head on Jeongyeon’s collarbone to muffle her sobs and whimpers. 

It wasn’t something Jeongyeon hadn’t expected as this action had the same effect on the younger girl earlier in the kitchen. It had taken over an hour for her to calm down and Jeongyeon could tell that the younger was lost all this time as she had looked too disoriented when she had looked on her face. So she expected a similar situation to unfold in her arms. 

Dahyun didn’t want to answer though. Everything she was feeling was too much. She let herself cry and cry in the hope it'd ease her pain, mumbling her apology every now and then answered by a ‘don’t be’ or an ‘it’s okay’ from the older until she fell asleep. 

Once Jeongyeon was sure that Dahyun had fallen asleep, she shifted as little as possible and took her phone from the nightstand to check the time. She held it on the mattress on the other side that Dahyun was positioned to not wake her with the light emitting from the screen. 

It was a little over 4:30 and the phone had several notifications, mostly messages from Jihyo and Nayeon. She didn’t open any of them as she wasn’t sure if the girls were sleeping or not and she wasn’t in a position to hold a conversation at the moment. She left her phone back on the nightstand and returned to her original position. She knew that all this tension with Dahyun in her arms wouldn’t let her sleep in the next several minutes. 

It wasn’t like she hadn’t been in the same position before. When Mina went back to Japan for her break, the first week found her with Momo crying herself to sleep in her arms in the exactly same position as Dahyun. The two cases were very different though. Although Momo hadn’t told her anything, she was sure she had underlying romantic feelings for Mina, and maybe she hadn’t realized it yet. She didn’t want to mess up her head so she never told her anything and stayed by her side whenever Momo needed her to. 

Dahyun’s case was completely foreign to her. She had never seen any member that broken. She could feel the hurt on the youngers body, she could feel it in her sobs in the kitchen, she could feel it on the mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ she heard again and again. It’s not like she hadn’t console a broken member before. She might not be the cuddliest person in the group but when anyone needed her she would always be there. She was the second oldest, after all, she owed to protect them. 

She had her soft spot for the three maknaes, she felt the need to protect them although Dahyun never looked for the same treatment as the other two would receive. The first years were difficult for Tzuyu as she missed her home and her family a lot. She also had the language barrier to overcome, so Jeongyeon and Jihyo made sure she never felt like an outsider and showered her with affection. It didn’t take her a long to make bonds with the other girls, especially with the other two maknaes, but she didn’t stop seeking the protectiveness and security she received from Jihyo and Jeongyeon. 

Chaeyoung was a different case. Jeongyeon felt overprotective to her too, but what made them bond was the extremely weird taste of humor they shared, cracking on their jokes while receiving disapproving looks from the other girls. Jokes aside, Chaeyoung was a little bean of optimism, sunshine, and creativity on Jeongyeon’s eyes. She was a small ball of energy and ambitions. How could Jeongyeon not want to protect her and hug her to shield her from everything bad? Besides, both maknaes would seek for hugs and cuddles with her very often. 

She had tried to be as close and protective to Dahyun too. Dahyun didn’t let anyone be that close to her though, in terms of affection. It’s wasn’t like she wasn't close to the other members. It just was one-sided. She didn’t let anyone in hers but was in on everyone’s life. Her special bond was with the two other maknaes and it never had occurred in Jeongyeon’s mind to ask them if she was more open with them until now. 

It would be completely fine if she was but the reactions of the two youngest indicated that she wasn’t. This only made her more worried about her choice to talk to Sana. Why didn’t she talk to the people that were closer to her and chose Sana? Sure Sana was the first person she would go to too, she had done it several times. But it was different for Sana this time. Plus, it seemed that Dahyun had talked to Sana only because Sana had found her self-harming. It must have been a one-way road for the younger after that, with very little options left. 

Jeongyeon believed what she had told Jihyo earlier. She believed it would be better if Dahyun sought professional assistance, and although she didn’t agree, if Dahyun didn’t want it that way, then she would try her best- they would try their best to help whichever way she wanted. She hoped Dahyun intended to talk to all of them soon. Thinking the emotional toll that the whole situation must be for Sana keeping everything Dahyun trusted her with, carrying it alone should be quite difficult. 

Jeongyeon felt her head very heavy, her thoughts would only lead her on a painful headache, so she decided to stop analyzing things as she felt her eyelids closing. She tilted her head a little to place a light kiss on Dahyun’s head. 

“Everything will be okay” she whispered.

  
  


Opening her eyes felt impossible. She had just woken up and her first try to open them stung a lot, only making her teary. It would take some time, she thought. Her head was pounding like she had a hangover, only she didn’t. It was all due to her crying herself to sleep. The last thing she remembered was that she was crying on Jeongyeon’s arms. Her current state was different. She was curled in a ball with her back facing the other side of the bed and the door. There was complete silence in the room so Jeongyeon should be out of there. 

She opened her eyes blinking repeatedly until they were lubricated enough to hold them open without stinging. There was a bottle of water with two painkillers on the nightstand accompanied by a plate with toasted bread spread with strawberry jam. It only made her wonder about the time. She couldn’t define the time by the light that was entering through the window as the shutters were half-closed. 

Her phone wasn’t on the nightstand either. She didn’t recall taking it from the living room yesterday, so she was left with little options. She couldn’t stay locked in the room all day however much she wanted to. She sat up on the edge of the bed with the motion making her head throb intently. She buried her head in her hands, rubbing circles on her temples to alleviate some pain. After some minutes she reached to take the pills and the bottle. 

“Not yet” a gentle voice interrupted her. Jeongyeon was still in the room. “You eat first, then take the pills” she added deliberately as she knew she might find resistance. Dahyun retracted her extended limps and stayed still. She didn’t know what to tell the older and how to face her. 

She would have to face all of them sooner or later, and the fact that she couldn’t handle only one made her state worse. Jeongyeon moved through the bed and sat next to her, resting an arm over her back and her left shoulder, leaning in front of her to reach the nightstand and take the plate in her right hand. 

“Please Dubu, eat. I know you don’t want but I can’t let you skip it. You haven’t eaten for the last 18 hours” Dahyun tried to do the math in her head. They had dinner at 8:30. That meant it was late noon? 

“What time is it?” she winced at her hoarse voice. 

“A little over 2:30. I didn’t expect you to sleep that much but I'm glad you did. Feeling better?” No, she didn’t but she didn’t want to voice it. 

“The girls? Are they here?” Dahyun asked hoping the answer would be no. She didn’t mind that she was blatantly avoiding the question. 

“Yeah. Momo went for dance practice but came earlier. She was worried and wanted to be here for you. Everyone is worried.” These words only made her tense, Jeongyeon feeling it too. 

“Don’t act like this. We are worried because we love you and we want to help you. We will wait as long as you want us to.” 

“Wait for what?” Dahyun couldn’t decipher the meaning. 

“Firstly I think the others want to see you are awake and give you a hug or something. I don’t believe anyone expects more from you.” Dahyun didn’t register that these words didn’t answer her previous question. 

“You don’t understand…” she said and instantly regretted it because that girl had held her in the kitchen and helped her sleep last night. It was unfair to tell her something like that, truth or not. 

“You’re right, I don’t. But I will wait for you to feel better. I will wait for the moment you’ll be ready to tell me, to tell us what happened. I want to know and I want to help. But not if you don’t want it too. Whenever you're ready. I am a patient person you know, I have to handle Nayeon every day” she humored trying to make the situation lighter. Dahyun thought didn’t laugh; she just snapped her head to her right to look at the older, the very first time that she looked her in the eyes from yesterday evening. 

“What do you mean you don’t know?” she asked with a shocked expression. 

“That I don’t know? Wait, what do you think I know?” Jeongyeon frowned looking back at Dahyun. 

“Sana told me you saw us yesterday in the living room,” she said and turned her gaze from the older, looking at her lap. “So I know you all saw my body” The shame she felt was indescribable. “That means you heard me on the hallway…” She waited for confirmation. 

“We did” was all Jeongyeon said and waited for the rest. 

“When I woke up downstairs Sana had just entered the room, so I suppose she came up and told you everything” Dahyun didn’t have to wait as Jeongyeon talked right after her, almost interrupting her. 

“What? No! Sana didn’t talk to anyone. Yes we saw you in the living room, yes we heard you in the hallway, but Sana wasn’t involved at all. We only talked with Jihyo, who didn’t tell as anything. She only explained about the things we saw. She told us that Sana found you downstairs a few days back and you agreed to talk to Sana. We don’t know more, and Sana would never expose you. 

She is the most trustworthy and loyal person I know, and you know that she’s number one on listening and advising whoever needs it. After Jihyo talked to us she came downstairs to talk with Sana. So I can only assume that Sana was in the studio with Jihyo before she came back to your room. She didn’t talk with anyone, Jihyo told us to not bother her and let her help you. Did you think she had told us? That’s why you reacted that way last night?” 

She did. She thought Sana had told them. But even though Sana hadn’t, it didn’t change the situation. They still had seen her wounded body and had listened to her confession. And now they all knew about her deal with Sana and Jihyo. 

“I want to answer you but I don’t think I’ll be able to repeat it after. Can you bring Jihyo and Sana in?” 

“Of course. But you first eat, okay?” she said and handed her the plate that was still in her right hand. Dahyun took it and munched passively, only because the older wouldn’t let her avoid it. Jeongyeon didn’t mind the younger’s apathy, she knew she was in a difficult place. Besides, being a family of friends meant that you should be there to take care of the other when the other isn't capable of taking care of herself. 

“Do you want the painkillers?” asked Jeongyeon as she took the empty plate and stood to leave the room. 

“No, it doesn’t hurt that much right now; I can pull through without them.” 

“You sure? I don’t want you to torture yourself.” Dahyun looked at her with her mouth gaping open. 

“Wait, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry it sounded wrong” Jeongyeon told her sheepishly. 

“I just don’t want to take unnecessary medication. I’ll tell you if it gets worse I promise” she answered. Jeongyeon nodded okay and took the pills to her other hand before leaving the room. 

She tried avoiding thinking anything, waiting for Jeongyeon to come back with the two girls. It was a relief that Sana hadn’t told them, but her situation was now known to everyone –well, except for Mina who was absent. Jeongyeon was back in the room very fast. She came and stood in front of her, placing some clean clothes and a towel for Dahyun on her right side. On the other hand she was holding a wet towel. 

“I figured you wouldn’t want to leave the room before talking with the two, so I wanted to help you freshen up a little. Tilt your head up” she said and proceeded to wipe Dahyun’s face with the wet towel. The younger didn’t know but her face was full of salt traces from her night tears. She tried to remove gently some dried eye gum from the corners of her eyes, which Dahyun tried to touch. Jeongyeon held her hand in time to stop her. 

“It stings and tickles unnie” she whined. 

“Yeah but if you touch them it will make your skin and your eyes red. Be patient, I’ll be quick.” While Jeongyeon was cleaning her face and was scanning it with her eyes, Dahyun took the opportunity to observe her. The way she was carrying her, the gentle way she was touching her, it was overwhelming. How could Jeongyeon love her so much? 

Jeongyeon locked her eyes with her after whipping the moisture with the dry towel. She was about to tell her she had finished but couldn’t speak either. Dahyun was looking at her with so many emotions in her eyes. She could see affection and admiration, doubt and insecurity, but mostly fear and angst. A single tear escaped from each eye and Jeongyeon used the towel to take them away. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” she told her as she took her hands to make her stand on her feet, giving her a tight hug. After retreating her arms from her, she took her place on the side of the bed taking the t-shirt from the pile of clothes and extending her arm in front. Dahyun gripped the neck of her shirt hesitantly. 

“Did you bring a bra?” she asked anxiously. 

“Yeah” Jeongyeon answered as she took the bra from the bed and gave it to her. Why was she anxious? It wasn’t like Jeongyeon hadn’t seen her naked before. The answer came as Dahyun pulled off her shirt and turn her back to Jeongyeon. Of course. It was her bruised ribs that made her uncomfortable. Jeongyeon studied them from a distance as Dahyun was clasping her bra on. She turned around with very fast movements to take the clean shirt. She had put the arms through the sleeves and was ready to pull her head through the neck. 

“Wait!” She turned to look to the older feeling exposed and insecure. 

“Can I look at it? If you don’t mind. It’s okay if you don’t want to” she said. The sincerity and love in her gaze were what made Dahyun walk closer and step sideways between her legs with her wounded ribcage on eye level with the older. She felt fingers tracing her bruise lightly as a feather. She didn’t mind it. It couldn’t become worse than that. She felt ashamed and her body was immediately covered with goosebumps due to that emotion. 

Jeongyeon leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss on the bruise. Dahyun’s first reaction was to shiver. Then, as Jeongyeon started placing little kisses all over her bruised ribs, she could feel it through the older’s actions. She could feel the love Jeongyeon was pouring in her body with these little kisses, she could feel the promises. 

Kiss 

I am here for you

Kiss 

You’re not alone

Kiss 

I want to help you

Kiss 

Don’t hurt yourself

Kiss 

Don’t worry

Kiss

Everything is going to be alright

Kiss 

I love you


	10. Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long chapter, it's almost 9000 words. It's the longest until now I didn't want to split it so here it is. Thanks for reading!!
> 
> TW: reference to self-harm and self-harm marks

Dahyun was enveloped in Jeongyeon’s arms. The latter’s affection had made her overwhelmed and that lead her in crying. Once Jeongyeon was aware she held her on her lap comforting her. All this contact was something new between Jeongyeon and her but it didn’t make her feel uncomfortable. It emitted a feeling of security that she will be protected no matter what. 

It wasn’t like she would tell Jeongyeon right there the things she already had told to Sana. Jeongyeon had told her that she’ll be there no matter what. She knew that after yesterday’s events she should prepare to talk to the girls sooner or later. How long would she be able to avoid it? And how would she interact with them when there would be something hovering in everyone’s mind? 

“Are you ready?” Jeongyeon asked her once she was sure she wasn’t crying anymore. Was she? Not at all. She was about to do something that didn’t feel like her choice but the only option left. 

“Yeah,” she said and lifted herself from the older’s lap to stand on her feet. She was still half-wearing her t-shirt and her pajamas shorts. 

“You finish changing and I go get the girls. I’ll give you five minutes okay?” Jeongyeon said as she stood up too. 

“Okay” she answered as she put her head through the neck and straightened her shirt after. Jeongyeon leaned closer and kissed the top of her head. “It’s gonna be okay,” she said as she took the towels from the bed before leaving the room. 

Dahyun changed to sweatpants and folded the sheet on the bed and her pajamas, placing them on the end of the bed neatly. She knew that Jeongyeon loved a tided room and it was the least she could do for everything the older had provided her with the last hours. 

She sat on the same spot on the bedside as previously, waiting. In a minute they should be here; Sana and Jihyo. Her heart-rate was raised suddenly. There was no time left and nowhere to go. ‘It’s okay, it’s just Sana and Jihyo’ she thought. 

‘Just Sana and Jihyo’ she repeated like a mantra to avoid other thoughts entering her mind. 

The door opened and closed after a few seconds. They should be in now. She couldn’t turn to look at them as she was suddenly scared and frozen. Soft steps echoed through the room until the person stopped in front of her. She didn’t dare to look at her face so she kept looking straight at her stomach area. 

“I’m so sorry,” Dahyun closed her eyes after a few moments of silence that indicated they were waiting for her to break it. 

“For what?” Sana who was standing in front of her asked. She leaned her head down ashamed and looked on her lap. 

“I thought you told them everything." She was waiting for Sana’s disappointment so she tried her best not to look at her. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. 

“I wasn’t clear yesterday when I told you they saw us in the living room, so it’s okay that you assumed I did. I wasn’t sure if you thought I did but I speculated it” Sana said. Dahyun didn’t know how to continue the conversation as she was afraid of what she would say. Her relationship with Sana was different now. She had taken down her guards and everything she said to Sana came unfiltered and pure. 

Sana sat down on her legs in front of her, placing her hands on Dahyun knees. It seemed the best choice as the younger couldn’t avoid her gaze that way. When Dahyun looked at her Sana could she was overthinking. Dahyun could see the worry in Sana’s eyes, a little puffy and red. 

“You didn’t sleep?” she asked feeling remorse. 

“I did don’t worry,” Sana said smiling reassuringly. “Can you tell me what's happening here?” she said lightly brushing Dahyun’s head. 

“Yeah, it’s just…” Dahyun hadn’t forgotten that Jihyo and Jeongyeon were somewhere in the room behind her. “I can’t filter my thoughts when I talk with you and we are not alone,” she said hesitantly. 

“We can leave if it makes you feel more comfortable,” Jihyo said somewhere behind her. She could tell she was standing by the door by how distant her voice was. 

“No it’s not that. I’m just afraid of what you’ll think” she was still looking at Sana but turned to look at them. They were both standing by the door leaning on the wall a bit surprised that Dahyun turned to look at them and immediately showed her a sincere smile. 

“Don’t be afraid okay? We’ll remain silent until you want us to” said Jihyo in a try to comfort her. 

“Okay, don’t stand there. Sit on the bed” Dahyun told them and turned to look back at Sana. She didn’t feel comfortable enough to have eye contact with them while speaking. She waited for them to stop moving behind her and then focused on Sana. Sana was rubbing circles with her thumbs on her knees to make her relax. 

“I was really mad at you when you told me they saw us because indeed I assumed you told them everything. But then I was mad to myself because it’s not your fault if you had told them." she said and paused to take some breaths. "And my mind spiraled with thoughts that everything was my fault because I was careless the first night you found me on the studio.” It was a little pointless to mention that thought as Sana hadn’t told anything, but it was still a thought that she had made and she wanted it out of her head. 

“So… you regret telling me? I thought you felt better by doing it, but saying you are mad at yourself because you were careless that night… We shouldn’t be doing this if you don’t want to, it’s wrong. It’s your privacy after all” Sana said. Although she was trying to mask her feelings, Dahyun could read the guilt in her eyes. 

“I don’t regret it. Sure, I didn’t expect to find myself in that position and I didn’t want to go to a psychologist either. It was difficult for me to open up to you but it helped me. I felt better after. I was afraid of losing this feeling, that’s why I asked you what happens next. I felt that things will get better by time, but then last night happened and I don’t know how to handle it.” It was clear to Sana she was starting panicking by talking about it. 

“Tell me your thoughts then…” Sana said, squeezing her knees a little. 

“My head is a mess. I think something and then I feel guilty about it.” 

“Give me an example.” 

“I wanted to work on it with you until I felt better. I know that you didn’t tell them but it doesn’t change the situation. They know now that a self-harmed and they know-“ Dahyun stopped abruptly with her whole body tensing. 

“You can say it. Whatever you want, say it, don’t hold anything, please.” 

“You lied to me. Yesterday." she said, her hands closing in tight fists on her lap. "When we were in the hallway, what I told you there, that’s my darkest and deepest thought. I trusted you with that without knowing everyone was listening." It was weird that Sana could only see her anger because of her tense hands; her voice didn't change and her tone was calm and sad like before. "When I realized what had happened it made me feel so exposed. I trusted you but you lied to me and everyone was there. But then, how can I be mad at you when you lied to protect me? I tried to assume what I 'd do if I were in your position." Dahyun seemed to think about a little, so Sana waited for her to continue. 

"Honestly, I don’t know. I know why you did it, but I can but think that you would all act like the rest don’t know and I would be too dumb to see it. But it’s not fair, my thoughts aren’t fair. You were in a difficult situation and you decided what you thought the best. Part of me wanted the truth, the other part the lie. It’s a mess in my head, I don’t know what to think. I’m sorry” Dahyun said, tearing her gaze from Sana’s eyes to her lap. Sana reached for her hands to open the fists, she didn't like seeing them knowing it was anger. 

“Look, not everything is black or white. Both choices had their pluses and minuses. If I told you, then we would lose all this progress we achieved in just a few days. I was afraid that you'd close to yourself again and everything would be inapproachable. But if I told the truth I'd be sincere and not a liar. I wanted to continue all this progress so this is why I chose to not tell you. I’m sorry about that. And I am sorry that with my choice I made you reveal something like that to everyone. I am really sorry” Sana’s voice broke a little at the last word and Dahyun lift her head to look at her. 

“I can’t say it’s fine because it isn’t. But I understand your point” Dahyun said in an attempt to calm her a little. 

“You can hold that on me as much as you want. But don’t think like that. It happened now so we look forward and not back. We can’t change the situation, so let’s discuss what happens from now on. I’m not saying that so you won’t accuse me. I take the responsibility for my actions.” Dahyun chuckled hearing the last phrase and Sana looked confused. 

“It was funny how you phrased it like we're on a court. I don’t accuse you, I just have ambiguous feelings. You said it yourself, not everything is black or white” she said and smiled at Sana. 

“I’m glad you pay attention” she smiled back. How much she loved that girl. If someone else was in her place, this conversation could end quite badly. Bad Dahyun was there, willing to talk it out. “So, you were saying that it doesn’t change anything the fact that I didn’t tell them. How is that so?” 

“Because even if you didn’t tell, they now know everything without the backstory. And that makes me feel very exposed." Dahyun retracted her hand from Sana's hold feeling ashamed. "I don’t know how to look at them. I don’t know what to tell them. It’s not like we can act as nothing happened” she paused and looked at her lap again feeling her eyes getting teary. 

“And it makes me mad that they know, and then my mind messes up with me, making me feel guilty because they don’t know anything about my life and it makes me a hypocrite." she said and took a shaking breath before continuing. "And I feel very ashamed now that they know what I do- did to my body” a few tears escaping her eyes. 

Sana stood and sat next to her on the bed. She then turned Dahyun’s body so they can face each other. Dahyun was still looking down and Sana put a finger under her chin to lift her head. Dahyun kept looking down and could see with her peripheral vision the other two girls were sitting on the bed leaning on the headboard. She was thankful she couldn’t see their faces. She didn’t want to know how they felt about her telling. 

“Look at me,” Sana said both gently and urgently. Dahyun didn't. “Please, look at me Dahyun,” she said as she brushed away some tears under Dahyun eyes and retreated her arms once Dahyun looked back. 

“I know this is a very messy situation. Things got out of plan. I know I said the same thing yesterday but it seems that I need to repeat it. We know you. We love you for who you are. Not knowing about your past doesn’t change a thing. As I told you yesterday, it doesn’t change who you are, it just explains some parts of your character. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite. And if you don’t want to tell them it’s okay. It’s your life and your choice. I don’t believe anyone will demand to learn if you don’t want to share. It’s your and only your choice. Is that clear?”

“But I owe them the truth,” she said. It felt like the least she could do to redeem her place in that dorm. 

“You owe them nothing. You didn’t lie to anyone. You don’t know everything about my life or the others' either. It’s everyone’s choice what they share or not. Please understand that” Sana said and reached for one of Dahyun’s hands. 

“I’ll try to” Dahyun answered. They both stayed at silence for a while, Sana giving her time to comprehend what she told her. After an amount of time that felt enough, she continued. 

“You know, I’ll repeat something that Jihyo told you the other day and I’m sorry if it triggers anything bad. But I have to so you understand that you think very wrong on this topic, okay?” Dahyun nodded her head and tried to shallow the lamp that she felt forming in her throat suddenly. She had a suspicion of what Sana was referring and she hoped she was wrong. 

“No one is judging you and I can’t understand why you think we will. Why do you feel ashamed?” Dahyun was sure where this was leading. ’Please don’t say it, please don’t say it’ she repeated in her head. “How would you feel if you found out one of us was self-harming?” 

Dahyun winced and closed her eyes. Like some days before, her mind made a slideshow of her band-mates self-harming one by one and played repeatedly in her mind. She couldn’t stop the tears forming in her eyes and dropped herself in Sana’s arms. 

Sana hugged her and pulled her between her legs to comfort her better and Dahyun placed her head on the crook of her neck. She knew that this would be the outcome from her words but some things you couldn’t avoid some times. She started rubbing her back with one hand and brushing her hair with the other. 

“I’m sorry Dahyun. What you feel right now, that’s how we feel. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I just wanted you to understand how it feels to us. It’s not pity. It’s not what you think. It hurt us to now you’re suffering” she said and Dahyun began sobbing. “It’s okay, no one is self-harming, it’s okay” she continued to calm her down. It would take some time judging from the previous time they had the same conversation. 

As she waited for her to calm down, Sana took the time to look at the other two. She was sitting opposite of them as she was sitting towards the end of the bed and they were leaning on the headboard. They were looking both dumbfounded and maybe shocked. Sana couldn’t tell if it was due to the very last part of the conversation or because they hadn’t listened to Dahyun talking like that before. 

Either way, Sana didn’t want Dahyun to see them looking at them like that and goggled her eyes to them. Both shook their heads to clear their minds maybe and wore calmer expressions. Sana then focused again on the girl in her arms. The sobs had stopped and there were occasional sniffles. 

“Dahyun, I want to tell you something to be completely honest with you,” Sana said, receiving a muffled okay from the younger. As Sana didn’t speak Dahyun pulled her head out of her neck creating a distance but still in her embrace to look at her. Sana was nervous, looking from Dahyun to the girls that sat behind the younger asking for permission to talk in front of them. 

“It’s fine. You can tell me. We agreed Jihyo will know everything important. And Jeongyeon will learn the truth sooner or later so tell me.” Dahyun was as nervous as Sana because even though she meant what she said, she didn’t know how to handle that two people would listen to something important. Plus it seemed like Sana was going to apologize for something she did and Dahyun couldn’t predict how she would react. 

She moved back to create space between her and Sana as to have a full view of her. Sana didn’t expect that reaction but didn’t mind it either. Whatever the reaction was going to be she deserved it. 

“So, the only person I talked to is Jihyo. I didn’t tell her any but one thing.” Sana concluded and gulped visibly. Dahyun tried to stop her mind from guessing which part she would prefer Sana to tell Jihyo and making scenarios on the leader’s reaction. 

“What did you tell her?”Her tension was very apparent in her voice. 

“I told her about… her.” Dahyun turned her head and looked at the window. She couldn’t face Sana right now, she wasn’t sure if she was mad or not. The thought of her passed friend numbed her body. 

“I only told her because from everything you told me I believe it is the situation that changed everything. It seems the most important besides the last thing you told me yesterday. But the last one isn’t my place to reveal. And as we agreed that Jihyo will learn everything important I told her about this, because I believe its when everything changed- or to be more accurate, when everything started.” Dahyun snapped her head to look at Sana with an anxious gaze. Sana couldn’t understand her reaction. Was she mad? Did she feel exposed to the other two? She waited for her to speak. 

“You think this is the answer?” Dahyun asked full of expectation. 

“Answer to what?” Sana replied completely confused. What was the question? She couldn’t understand. 

”When did it start?” Dahyun mumbled, helping Sana join the pieces. 

“Yeah, by everything you told me. The situations that happened before that, before her, you didn’t say anything about being depressed. You told me how they affected you but not that they made you depressed. Besides, self-confidence is something you are supposed to work on while growing up. But when everything happened and you indeed got depressed, you were too young and you stopped working on yourself and never resolved the previous issues, only got new ones piled up.” 

Dahyun didn’t reply, her eyes unfocused. She just nodded and sat closer to Sana. It seemed that body affection calmed her down so she leaned her head on Sana’s chest while her body was sideways to hers, facing the window. If Sana was right everything had started when she died. Before she passed away it was okay, wasn’t it? 

Sana let her think once again, looking to Jihyo and Jeongyeon. The latter was lost trying to make sense from the little pieces of information she had just listened to. Who was the her Sana was referring to? Jihyo didn’t do better although she knew beforehand about Dahyun’s friend. Sana’s words were half-information as to not reveal more than she should but enough for Dahyun to understand what she was talking about. Knowing everything Sana could understand how tangled it must feel for the two girls listening to their conversation. 

“Nari.” Dahyun said, not moving from her spot. 

“Hmm?” Sana was caught unprepared. 

“Nari. Her name was Nari.” Sana felt Dahyun’s body tensing a little in her arms. 

“It’s a beautiful name,” she said as she started stroking a hand through Dahyun’s hair and turning her head to face the window too, leaning her cheek on top of Dahyun’s head. It was an intent topic for her too and she didn’t want to face Jihyo and Jeongyeon. 

“You probably don’t know it because you are Japanese, but Nari means lily, the flower.” Dahyun took a deep breath before continuing. It was the first time she'd talk about her like that. She had talked to Sana about her but not like that.

“We had countless books about flowers due to this. We would plant different ones in my home’s garden; her house didn’t have one. But no matter what we would plant, the corner spot would always be lilies. We tried a lot of colors. My favorites are called [starlette](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/75576099973998118/). They have peach-colored tips and the rest of the petal is maroon. I loved everything about planting. I even thought that I’d love to have my own garden and flower shop. It was a spectacular connection with the environment. Maybe this is why I’m okay with insects and bugs,” she chuckled and paused for a little. She felt Sana’s cheek shifting on her head and she knew she was smiling as well. 

“Her favorites were the white ones." Sana felt her stiffing with the reference. "When she passed away there were white ones in the garden. Like she knew what was going to happen.” Her body quivered and Sana tightened her arms around her. “The first time I visited her grave I placed one bouquet there. I was intending to place one every time I went but the whole situation with her parents was difficult and I didn’t want to make it worse. So I stopped visiting and planting after that.” A single tear fell from each eye and she was grateful that Sana couldn’t see them.

“If you’d like that, we could put some pots on the porch and you can plant whatever you want,” Sana said. 

“We could?” asked Dahyun a bit nonchalantly and in disbelief because the company hadn’t a specific rule but she believed they weren’t allowed to, the same as having pets. Sana lifted her head and looked at Jihyo who was looking shocked once more. Jeongyeon gathered herself faster and elbowed Jihyo to “wake” her up. 

“Yeah,” said Jihyo and cleared her voice. “Yeah, we could. There isn’t any rule that forbids us. I didn’t propose it because I didn’t know if anyone would be interested. But we can definitely do it,” said Jihyo while smiling and although Dahyun couldn’t see her she could hear it in her voice. Dahyun then turned her back to Sana and leaned her body on hers, tangling her fingers with Sana’s, and placing them on her abdomen. The whole situation had calmed her down and she wanted to make a decision now that she felt at peace. She was looking at their hands when she spoke. 

“Unnie..” she said without looking up. 

“Yeah?” answered Jihyo and Jeongyeon in unison not knowing to whom she was referring, making Sana chuckle. 

“Jihyo unnie..” Dahyun clarified. But after a pause she added, “And Jeongyeon unnie, your opinion matters too.” Then she paused. Sana felt how nervous she was so she squeezed their hands to give her more courage and remind her she was there no matter what. It helped, as Dahyun took in a big breathe in. 

“I think that I want to talk to everyone tonight. I know it was a very emotional day since yesterday but I think I'm ready. And if I don’t do it now I don’t know when I’ll be able to. I think if I don’t do it today, tomorrow will be worse for me. Is that okay? Do you believe all of you will handle it?” she asked still looking down. 

Jihyo covered the distance and sat in front of her “Whatever you feel best we’ll do. We can handle it. If it's gonna be today might help everyone calm down too, but only if you decide it.” Dahyun lifted her head to look at her. There was only sincerity and love, like Jeongyeon earlier. It was enough. 

“After dinner.” Jihyo smiled and leaned in to give a kiss at her forehead. “After dinner it is,” she said and went back to the headboard. Dahyun looked at Jeongyeon who gave her a reassuring smile again. Maybe it was going to be better than she thought. 

“What time is it now?” she asked untangling herself from Sana and standing up. 

“It’s a little past 5:30,” Jeongyeon said after checking her phone. 

“Can we go down to have the ointment hour?” Dahyun turned and asked Sana shyly. 

“Of course we can.” Sana replied gently and stood up too. As they both headed to the door Dahyun stopped and looked at the girls. 

“Jihyo unnie, I’m sorry for that, I know you like to stick on the schedule but maybe we should have dinner a bit earlier because I think my talking is going to take a lot of time and it’s going to be late.” Dahyun told Jihyo nervously. 

“No problem Dahyunnie. Is 8 o’clock okay?” Dahyun nodded and thanked her before opening the door and leaving the room with Sana behind. Jihyo and Jeongyeon remained silent for quite enough time reflecting on the conversation the witnessed when there was a knock on the door. The door opened hesitantly with Nayeon and Momo entering the room slowly, sitting on the bed in front of the two waiting, the two looking a little lost. 

“Hey, is everything alright? We saw Sana and Dahyun going down. What happened? Why are you like this?” said Nayeon. Jihyo cleared her throat before talking. 

“It’s just... a lot. Everything seems better and Dahyun wants to talk to everyone after dinner. They went down to put ointment on her wounds. Did she see you?” Jihyo asked a bit anxiously. She knew Dahyun would feel awkward. 

“No she didn’t we were in the living room and saw them briefly. The maknaes are in their room too. Wait? She will talk to us? How? I thought you said it will take time…” Nayeon said surprised. If nothing else, it seemed they would have to wait a lot, and now everything had changed. 

“What happened?” said Jeongyeon a bit delayed “Sana happened!” and it was Momo’s turn to look at her confused. “What did Sana do?” she asked. 

“She is incredible, isn’t she?” Jihyo told Jeongyeon with a knowing grin. Jihyo was the member Sana advised the most so she was aware of her charms on helping but the others didn’t know that. 

“How does she do that? She knows how to talk immediately to comfort you and she does it so naturally” Jeongyeon said impressed. 

“I think being an only child she didn’t have that kind of affection and when we became trainees she learned to listen and try her best to help her friends. And her parents are two of the kindest and respectful people I have met, so the apple didn’t fall afar from the tree” Momo added proudly about her best friend. 

“What did she say and she impressed you, Jeong?” Nayeon asked out of curiosity. 

“Well, Dahyun talked only with her, we were just sitting here. I think she wanted to test if she can talk freely in front of us. And Sana answered to everything she said without being manipulative or forcing her opinion. It was all the best she could offer to Dahyun. Sana didn’t tell her to talk to us, instead, she told her she doesn’t owe us any explanation about her past if she doesn’t want to tell. And she is right. But I’m glad she decided to talk to us” Jeongyeon concluded. 

“How did she decide to talk to us?” Momo asked this time. 

“She seemed very calm with her interaction with Sana but I believe talking about t-“ 

“Jeongyeon, no!” Jihyo cut her off. “It’s not our place to tell her story. We’ll wait until after dinner” Jihyo said and Jeongyeon nodded in agreement as she knew the leader was right. Jeongyeon wanted to ask a lot of questions but it wasn’t in her character and she could be patient enough for the night to come.

  
  


They'd been in the basement for more than an hour already, ointment absorbed and Dahyun back in her clothes, pacing through the room nervously. Sana was sitting on a couch observing her for the past twenty minutes. 

“Can you stop for a minute and sit down to talk?” The truth is they didn’t talk from the time they got down. Dahyun had laid on a couch with her eyes close but not sleeping, both reflecting on their previous conversation. It seemed like Dahyun didn’t hear Sana as she continued pacing through the floor ignoring her. 

“Dahyun” Sana called but it was pointless. 

“Dahyun!” Sana raised her voice a little. 

“What?!!” Dahyun stopped in place and shouted. Sana’s face was blank. She wasn’t offended, it hurt seeing her like that. She wasn’t mad because she knew the Korean was in a difficult place and her way of thinking about it was making it worse. They were looking at each other, Dahyun’s mad face going blank as she understood what she did. 

“Sorry unnie,” she said and walked a little nearer to the couch. 

“Come here” Sana pated the place next to her and Dahyun did as she was told. 

“What is it? Tell me” Sana said carefully. 

“I don’t know what to tell them. Should I tell them about everything? Or only what I think is necessary?” she said and look at Sana with eyes full of anxiety. 

“Would you like to tell them everything? It depends on you” Sana said. 

“I want to be sincere. And saying everything feels okay. Like, we are family and I want them to know me all the way. I want them to know. I just… I’m afraid it’s too much for them. And I’m very nervous about doing all the talking and opening up. And for their reactions.” Sana saw her hands shaking a little and cupped them with her own. 

“It’s okay to feel nervous. The girls will listen to you and won’t judge you -not that there’s anything to judge- so speak free. And I don’t think you want to do it in two parts so better tell them in one way. And about their reactions... Yeah… Expect some tears to fall but try to not feel uncomfortable. If they cry it’ll be from empathy and because they’ll feel sad for what you went through. It’s expected they’ll cry.” 

“Will you.. will you sit with me?” She looked at Sana with worried and pleading eyes. 

“Of course Dahyunnie, whatever makes you feel more comfortable.” 

“Thank you unnie,” she said and leaned her head on the Japanese’s shoulder.

  
  


The dinner went smoothly as Jihyo had informed the members of what was going to happen and they all tried their best to make Dahyun feel comfortable. That was until they finished dinner and sat in the living room, Dahyun and Sana on the central one and the rest split into threes on the side couches. 

“So… umm.. I want to tell you everything and to do so I need you to not interrupt me. I don’t know if we can do the talking after because it is very recent for me doing it with Sana and also it’s a lot and maybe we’ll all be in weird places. So yeah… I’m sorry for everything you’re gonna hear.” 

“Don’t” Jihyo said and Dahyun looked at her confused. “Don’t say sorry. We won’t interrupt you, and it will be your decision if you want us to talk after you’re done.” Jihyo concluded and Dahyun looked at each girl very quickly, stopping at Chaeyoung. Everyone was smiling at her reassuringly but Chaeyoung was very nervous. 

“Chaeng, you can come and sit here if you want,” she told her pointing with her head her left side as Sana was on the right. 

“No, I’m okay don’t worry” she answered and moved closer to Tzuyu who was pressed on Jihyo, both maknaes preparing themselves for what Dahyun would say. Dahyun looked at Sana who was looking back and nodded her once positively, that it’s okay. She pressed herself next to Sana searching for comfort and searched for Jeongyeon and Jihyo. As Jihyo, Jeongyeon had Nayeon pressed on her, who had Momo pressed on her other side. Both Jeongyeon and Jihyo nodded her too, giving her a small but reassuring smile full of affection. That was all that she needed. And so she talked. 

She talked about everything. She explained to them how it feels being depressed. And it was difficult as Chaeyoung and Tzuyu were spilling silent tears but she had to continue. So for the rest of the talking she focused on her lap with her right hand in Sana’s left. 

She told them everything. She told them about what she felt that changed her. About her classmate passing away, about her crush indirectly rejecting her and making her feel insecure, about wondering if she maybe had feelings about her best friend. She felt secure telling them that, it was like coming out and she didn’t even know how valid were her feelings but it felt safe telling them. 

And after, she told them about her best friend passing away and how much it changed her life after. That they made plans and they intended to study at the same university. That she had never thought about becoming an idol and then she did it to occupy herself. And she heard the sniffles but had to continue to complete her confession to them. And Sana held her tighter to help her. 

She told them about trying to see things from another perspective and admitted that it made her lose her faith in the world and feel lost and lacking purpose. And then, it was the last one. The biggest. 

She told them about her parents. She explained how they changed after her friend passed away, how they didn’t help her as they were grieving too, how they were against her becoming an idol and how their relationship changed more after she debuted. And how she caught ties with them after ’Likey’ era. And how that was her first time self-harming. She explained that she self-harmed during break periods because she can’t handle free time. 

The last thing she explained was what had happened the previous days and how Sana found her, and how she felt a burden and she couldn’t handle things and she self-harmed again and got drunk and self-harmed more. 

“Right now, what I’m doing feels wrong, telling you. Because I feel insecure about tomorrow and I don’t know how we continue from here. I won’t lie, I wanted to do this but I feel exposed right now” she finished her talking and only then she started crying. Sana wrapped her in her arms and whispered in her ear to calm her down with everyone waiting and trying to process all the new information they got. 

“You did well Dahyun. It’s okay. You did well” Sana whispered in her ear and rubbed patterns at her back. Everyone waited for her to calm down as long as it would take. And when she did, she couldn’t face them, she just stared at the coffee table in front of her. 

“Dahyun?” It was Jihyo who called her. 

“Hmm?” she responded not able to lift her head to look at the leader. 

“Can you look at me?” Jihyo pleaded gently. She waited either for a response or a gesture. 

“I…” Dahyun started as she slowly lifted her head to look at Jihyo feeling her eyes getting teary. When she locked eyes with her some tears escaped her eyes. Jihyo had a neutral expression and her eyes were red from crying moments before. 

“I don’t think that any of us can talk right now, it was indeed a lot to take in but don’t worry about that. We just need some time to take it in. You said Sana did the talking about everything, and Sana is very good at this, so right now I don’t feel like we have to tell anything. Just please, don’t feel bad. We’ll be okay” she said and smiled at the younger who nodded okay not able to speak. And that meant the end of their gathering. 

Before her unnies left the living room they each went and kissed her on the head. She was left with Sana and the other two maknaes. They were looking at her in a very weird way that Dahyun couldn’t decipher. Well, it was expected as they were the closest and they should be shocked by everything. 

“I’ll be in our room in five,” she told them and they both nodded and stood up to go to their room. Sana understood then that tonight she wasn’t going to cuddle her to sleep. Maybe now that everyone knew she would lose her relationship with Dahyun. The Korean now had the choice of talking to whichever member she wanted about her problems and cuddling to sleep with whoever she wanted. ’What the fuck Sana? You don’t have the right to be jealous!’ her inner voice called. 

“What are you thinking?” Dahyun asked with furrowed brows. Sana had tightened her grip in her arm during her thought process and although it didn’t hurt, Dahyun could tell something was off. 

“Hmm?” Sana hummed and saw Dahyun looking at their hands, immediately relaxing her grip. “Nothing, sorry. Are you okay?” she asked. 

“Yeah, I hope tomorrow goes better. I hope that nothing will change and they won’t treat me with pity” Dahyun confessed. 

“I don’t think they will, but if they do we will short it out, don’t worry,” Sana said and gave a kiss on her temple. 

“Thank you unnie, you’ve helped so much. Your support helps me a lot you know…” Dahyun told her. 

“But, do you still regret what is happening?” Sana asked as she hadn’t forgotten what the younger told her earlier. 

“I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know how I feel. I’m trying to work it in my mind. My instincts tell me that I made a mistake and I have to close back to myself. I really feel afraid about the outcome of everything. I’ll feel better once things go better, and when I’ll feel safer and secure I know I won’t regret anything. But right now it’s complicated. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say because that’s the best way I can explain it.” Dahyun wouldn’t name it regret but there wasn’t another word to describe it. Maybe doubt, but it was more suitable to regret. 

“You know Dahyunnie, in your answer you didn’t use if, you said when and once  things get better, like you know it will get better and not doubting it, and that’s enough for me” Sana held her in a tight hug satisfied. Dahyun smiled with Sana’s remark because yeah, things couldn’t get worse than what they already were, could they? Things should get better from now on, with everyone knowing the truth and no one to hide it.

  
  


Jeongyeon and Momo were laying down on their backs, tacked under the sheets gazing at the ceiling for the past hour. 

“You sleeping?” Momo whispered in case the older was sleeping. 

“No” Jeongyeon answered a little louder. 

“What are you thinking?” Momo asked. 

“I just… It’s a lot. Everything. Tell me what you think first ‘cause right now I can’t order my thoughts” Jeongyeon said a little frustrated. 

“Well… I’m happy she told us. I still can’t understand how we didn’t see what was happening. And now that we know what happened I feel like I’m a very very bad friend for not noticing anything. I feel responsible for her reaching this point.” Momo told and left a heavy sigh. 

“I know, I feel like that too. But you must consider she didn’t want us to know, she wanted to hide and she did it well. And it started before we met her so she knew how to control it. Plus she was sincere about being depressed and wanting her own space. Our mistake was not intervening then and letting her space out.” 

“Yeah, that shouldn’t happen. But how could we know that it was worse than what she told us back then?” Momo frowned. 

“We couldn’t but no one tried too. And she was there for us, it’s not like she was cut out. That’s why we didn’t saw deeper. She didn’t let us and covered it by being there for everyone” Jeongyeon concluded. 

“I just hope she’ll let us help her from now on…” Momo said, her voice revealing anxiety building up. 

“Yeah about that... I think it will be difficult. Very difficult. Yesterday she cried on my arms for two hours and just kept saying sorry again and again. And from everything she said earlier on Sana and then to us, she feels like she’s a burden to us and like she shouldn’t tell us. I don’t know exactly how her mind works on this…” Jeongyeon trailed. 

“Yeah, maybe you discuss it with Jihyo or Sana.” Momo said. 

“Yeah.” And then it was silent for some minutes until Momo broke it again. 

“Jeong?” 

“Mmm?” 

“Can I cuddle you?” Momo asked shyly. Although they had cuddled a lot the last month, Momo still felt weird asking it. 

“Come here,” Jeongyeon said and opened her arms. Momo laid half on top of her and rested her head on the older’s collar bone and one hand over her abdomen. It was silent again until Momo broke it once more. 

“I miss Mina” she whispered. 

“I know, I miss her too.” Jeongyeon said. 

“Do you think she might not come back?” Momo asked with a voice full of anxiety. 

“Why do you say that? We saw a lot of progress in the last few days” Jeongyeon spotted. 

“I've might or might not scroll twitter and read some things…” 

SMACK

“The fuck did I told you last time? Didn’t I tell you stop doing that?” Jeongyeon hissed. Momo was rubbing her hand with the other in the spot that Jeongyeon hit her. 

“You did but I wanted to check if our fans miss her as I- as we do” Momo answered, Jeongyeon being on the verge of bursting in laughter with how cute Momo sounded but held herself. 

“And what did you read?” she asked carefully. 

“They said that… she should quit. She should quit if she can’t handle the pressure and that it was her choice after all” Momo said with a quivering voice. 

“That’s not true and you know it. And our real fans are supporting us. You saw on every concert how they had their light sticks on the mint-green color. So what you read was from antis and you shouldn’t have read at all. Stop doing that okay?” Jeongyeon pleaded. 

“Okay” was the last thing Momo said. She knew it was wrong, the company had advised them from the beginning amongst other things to not give time on the comments on their social media accounts or twitter so they won’t be mentally challenged. Why she did it, she wasn’t sure, but every time it made her feel bad. So, sure, Jeongyeon was right, she should stop doing it.

  
  


Entering her room, Sana found two girls waiting for her already in their pajamas and sitting on their respective beds. Sana took her pajamas and started changing. It's been a really long day with yesterday being a difficult one too, so she felt emotionally drained. Plus, there was a hint of jealousy that she had to work out because it felt absurd. 

“You okay?” Jihyo asked her as she was wearing her t-shirt. 

“A little tired” she answered. 

“Come here,” Jihyo said once she was ready and patted the space on her bed, Sana doing as she said. 

“I’m very proud of you, do you know it?” she said as she hugged Sana tight. 

“For what?” Sana asked with furrowed brows facing Nayeon. 

“The way you talked to her in Jeong’s room... I was shocked by the things she said and what you told her. I can’t imagine doing it like you. You’re incredible!” Jihyo didn’t have time to talk to Sana all afternoon as she was with Dahyun. 

“You are exaggerating Ji…” Sana said a little disappointed not wanting to get praise for something she shouldn’t. 

“She isn’t Sana. Jeong was impressed too” Nayeon said with a sincere smile. Maybe she did more than she thought, but still, she shouldn’t get praised. Jihyo untangled her and Sana went to her bed and tucked herself in. 

“Sana, are you okay?” Nayeon asked this time seeing her frustrated face. 

“Yes, I just have a lot of thoughts to put in order and I really need to sleep.” She answered. 

“I can see you overthinking though, do you wanna discuss anything?” Nayeon asked again. 

“I’m glad she opened up to you too, I felt better although I didn’t expect it. Like, I thought I could handle it alone as she didn’t intend to tell you, but after today it feels better. Like a lot more help and a lot more people that love her are there for her. I didn’t expect to feel like this and to be honest, I hadn't realized how difficult it was for me until now.” 

Jihyo frowned at her words, immediately remembering what Momo told her yesterday. Wait, it was only yesterday? It felt like it was more than two days ago. 

“I think we should all sleep now, we lack it and we are tired. Turn off your alarms, tomorrow’s little schedule is canceled.” Jihyo said. 

“But Momo wants to go practice,” Sana told her. 

“It’s okay, we’re on a break, she has to rest too. I’ll send it on the group chat.” Jihyo said. 

“Sana?” Nayeon asked. 

“What is it Nayeon unnie?” Sana replied in fear that the older will order her to stand up to close the lights just as she tacked herself on the bed. Nayeon stood up from her bed and went to her. 

“I know I don’t say it a lot, but I love you,” she said kissing Sana on her temple, closing the lights and going back to her bed after. Little did Nayeon knew that this small gesture made her chest feel full and helped her dose off faster.

  
  


“Can you two turn to the other side so I don’t have to go to the bathroom to change?” Dahyun asked her two roommates. 

“No” Chaeyoung replied deadpan. 

“Come on Chae, I don’t feel comfortable” Dahyun pleaded. 

“I wanna see it up close Dubu” Chaeyoung looked at her and pouted knowing Dahyun couldn’t resist it. Dahyun looked at Tzuyu for support but it was pointless. 

“I want to see them too... If it’s okay with you” the taller said and it was a loss for Dahyun as it was two against one. She went to lock the door and then grabbed her pajamas from her bed placing them on Tzuyu’s where the other two were sitting. She quickly put off her shorts and t-shirt, standing in front of them sideways. 

“Wow” Chaeyoung exclaimed making Dahyun a shivering mess waiting for the rest. “It’s like… abstract art!” 

SMACK

“The fuck Tzu?! Why you hit me?” Chaeyoung said looking at the younger. 

“You talk nonsense,” she said nonchalantly and Dahyun chuckled. How she had missed their banders. Chaeyoung than looked at the scratches on her hip. 

“Dubu you could scratch across these lines and we could play tic-tac-toe on it.” 

SMACK

Chaeyoung was ready to shout to Tzuyu but a burst of sudden laughter stopped her. Apparently, Dahyun found the comment really funny as she was laying on the floor laughing herself out. She needed it after all this tension building up the past week. 

The other two looked at her excited as they hadn't expected it. They agreed before Dahyun came in their room that they'd try to lighten up the situation but Tzuyu found Chaeyoung’s comments a bit far-fetched. 

“Thanks guys, I needed that,” she said as she stood and put on her pajama shorts. Before she put her t-shirt on she unclasped and put off her bra. Her roommates had seen each other naked countless times; she was initially uncomfortable about her wounds. 

“Bro…” Chaeyoung said as she was about to wear her t-shirt, her hands already in the sleeves, she stopped and looked at her. 

“You’re bruise extends right under your boob,” Chaeyoung said staring at the spot blankly. Dahyun was confused, what kind of comment was that? 

“Yeah I know, so?” she asked nonchalantly. 

“Does Sana rub ointment there too?” she said raising an eyebrow suggestively. 

SMACK

“Tzu!!” Chaeyoung exclaimed, the same time Dahyun wearing her t-shirt. 

SMACK

“Dubu!” she looked at her a little scared afraid she over-stepped, only to feel satisfied getting the reaction she wanted as Dahyun became as red as a tomato. She was ready to comment on it when she felt a discrete pinch on her side. So Tzuyu saw it too and didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. 

“That was inappropriate from you,” Dahyun said trying to be cold but her face still red couldn’t let her mask it. She took her used clothes and headed to her bed. 

“Sorry Dubu. Can we three cuddle tonight? Please?” she said and pouted again. Dahyun knew that there was no way to sleep with Sana today, so there was a fight in her head if she should sleep with them or not. Sleeping alone would be difficult but she didn’t know if she was ready for her best friends. But last night being in a very worse shape she made it to sleep in Jeongyeon’s arms, so today’s option should be easier, right? 

“ ’Kay..” she mumbled and headed to Tzuyu’s bed which was the biggest of the three. How Tzuyu had convinced the company she needed a bigger bed being tall only to get a bigger in width Dahyun couldn’t understand. Laying in her back between them, they both propped on their elbows looking at her. 

“What is it?” she asked trying not to sound rude. She stared at the ceiling feeling it'd get serious. 

“What was her name?” Tzuyu asked. Now that she had talked about to her to Sana, and the fact that she didn’t have anything to hide from any of the girls, it felt easier talking about anything. 

“Nari,” Dahyun said and left the girls to comprehend it. She remembered that Tzuyu wouldn’t get it. 

“Nari is the Korean word for li-“ 

“Lily!” Chaeyoung gasped. 

“What?” Tzuyu looked at both frowning. 

“The flower, Nari means lily, the flower.” Dahyun explained as Chaeyoung kept looking at her with a gaping mouth. 

“I told Sana unnie a little about her earlier, would like to listen to it?” she asked a little afraid they might not be interested. 

“Of course Dahyunnie” Tzuyu said softly, taking one of her hands in her own. Although they used honorifics as a group, some girls wouldn’t use them with one another. The school meal club didn’t use them at all. 

“I won’t say a lot because I know I’ll cry. I’ll say only happy things. The first time we searched only for her flower and learned everything. Then we started researching for other flowers and plants in general. We used to plant flowers in my house, and whatever we would plant, the corner spot was always lilies.” She said and looked at Tzuyu who had glassy eyes and a beautiful soft smile. 

“That’s beautiful,” she said and Dahyun smiled back. 

“Wait! That explains everything. I didn’t want to interrupt you, once you said lily I connected it.” Chaeyoung said with raised brows from the surprise. 

“What you saying Chaeng?” Tzuyu looked at her confused. 

“Remember about one year after debut that I had this huge fight with Dubu?” 

“Yes but I don’t remember the reason,” Tzuyu said sheepishly. 

“Yeah because it wasn’t clear to me back then, I just thought she was letting off her steam on me” Chaeyoung and Tzuyu looked at Dahyun who was staring at the ceiling again. She hoped they would avoid talking about it as it was one of the biggest fights the dorm had ever seen. After fighting and exchanging words they didn’t mean, they didn’t speak for two weeks and no one could understand the reason. 

“My mom had sent me a kit of under sheets and pillowcases. And it was covered with flower patterns, but mostly lilies. Dubu asked me to change them because she didn’t like them and I didn’t want to because I had just changed them and it was a gift from my mom. She insisted and then we fought.” Chaeyoung couldn’t believe it, and it only made her feel dumb. If she only knew back then… 

“Dubu I am sorry. I was in the wrong. Sorry. Really. I can’t believe it.” Chaeyoung rumbled. 

“Stop Chaeng. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t know. And we’re good now so there is no point talking about it.” Dahyun said and took her hand on her free hand. 

“Are you ready to sleep?” Tzuyu asked as it was already late and she didn’t want any more emotional distress for either of them. 

“Yeah,” both said in unison and Chaeyoung turned to turn off the lamp on the nightstand between hers and Tzuyu’s bed. Dahyun turned her back on Chaeyoung and buried herself on the front of Tzuyu with Chaeyoung pressed against her back. 

“Thank you guys, you helped me lighten up a little” Dahyun said and both girls knew it was enough. 

“I love you,” said Tzuyu and kissed the crown of her head. 

“I love you,” said Chaeyoung and tightened her embrace placing a kiss on the back of her head. 

She couldn’t answer, feeling overwhelmed, and they didn’t want her too. It was enough. Right at this moment, despite everything that had happened, she knew that eventually everything will be alright.


	11. Weird feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference to self-harm and self-harm marks

Although Dahyun had slept very well, waking up was something she wanted to avoid because she would have to handle a new reality, a reality that she didn’t know where she stood with the rest of the members. It was a weird feeling now that everyone knew and it made her afraid of everything. She hoped that things wouldn’t change a lot and they wouldn’t treat her differently. Of course they would do it to a point; she just hoped it wouldn’t be exaggerative. 

  
  


“Morning” Sana heard the moment she opened her eyes and stretched. Jihyo and Nayeon were both sitting on their respective beds with their backs on the headboards. 

“Morning” Sana replied with a hoarse sleeping voice. Why did she feel so weird? Her feelings were in the same place she left them before she fell asleep. Shouldn’t she feel better? 

“Sana, are you okay?” Jihyo could see she was overthinking on her face. She wasn’t but she couldn’t tell that to them. Tell them what? That now she was afraid of losing her connection with Dahyun? It was selfish and she knew it. She better handled whatever happens next with maturity and not bitterness. 

“Sana?” Nayeon spoke that time as Sana hadn’t respond. 

“What? Uh.. Sorry I was lost in my thoughts. Yeah I’m okay, yesterday was an intense day and I haven’t managed it inside me yet.” 

“Yeah we both know what you mean. I actually want to discuss something before we start the day” Jihyo said and waited for Sana to say or react because she wasn’t sure if she was in a state to hold a conversation. 

“What is it?” Sana said as she sat up to lean on her headboard too. 

“How should we handle it from now on? Obviously it’s a bad idea to talk to her whenever we feel good with it. We might end up with six members trying to talk with her in a day. So, how should we do it? You have already talked with her and have discussed everything” Jihyo said trying to lay the topic carefully as she had in mind that Sana felt more than she said. 

“Well… I tried to talk for every topic she referred. But there was one that I couldn’t handle. I tried my best for everything else though. That doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to her about them. I think it’d be better that the person who talks to her have something important to tell her, or something relevant. Also now that everyone knows I think we should keep an eye on her because I’m afraid she will do it again…” Sana knew that at the moment Dahyun was fine and numb due to everything that happened that made her problems travel to the back of her mind, but when the days would pass and everything would be toned down she would be back to her depressed self. 

“Sana.. What topic couldn’t handle?” Jihyo asked softly. It was okay, Sana was a human in the end. She couldn’t be perfect and everything they learned the previous night was a lot for a person to handle. Sana clenched her fists on her lap as she thought about it. She still couldn’t digest it, even though two days had passed from the moment Dahyun told her. 

“Her parents. When she told me I got really mad and I chose to not talk about it. I knew I would regret it if I had talked” she said and avoided both of the members’ eyes. She took some moments to even her breath before talking again. 

“So yeah, if anyone wants to talk about it with her you can really go for it. Everything else is covered for now. Give her some time. But I hope someone can talk with her about it cause it’s something that hurts her a lot.” Sana still looked at her lap and her hands. Why couldn’t she help her favorite person in the world? It was unfair. The mattress next to her dipped and two large hands cupped hers. 

“It’s okay Sana. I might be able to help. You know I had a lot of fights with my parents because they didn’t want me to become an idol. I know it’s not the same but I had a difficult time with it. And before I talk with her I’ll talk with everyone because maybe someone else is better for it. Relax” she said and tried to open Sana’s fists and slip her fingers between Sana’s. That gesture seemed to calm down the Japanese. 

“We should reassure her that nothing will change. She’s afraid that we’ll treat her differently now. Also tell her that whenever she doesn’t feel okay she can approach whoever she wants to talk about it.” Sana felt a knot forming in her stomach while giving away her deal with the younger but it was the right thing to do now that everyone was there to help. Although her feelings were ambiguous she was happy that now everyone could help Dahyun. 

  
  


The same morning they had breakfast all together and Jihyo reassured Dahyun with everything Sana had asked earlier. It helped Dahyun a lot to feel safer and to act more normal with the members. She still had her alone time but she also tried to spend a lot of time with them too. 

  
  


The same afternoon she had her ointment hour with Sana at the basement. Yet this time was different. The moment she took off her shirt her heart started running in miles and Chaeyoung’s words came back to her mind. Extending her arm over her head for Sana to apply the ointment, she waited with anticipation for Sana’s hand to touch her skin. Once her finger touched her bruised ribs her whole body was covered with goosebumps. Of course Sana noticed it. 

“Are you cold?” she asked without taking her eyes from Dahyun’s ribs. 

“No, it’s just the temperature of the cream” she said quickly. When Sana continued to spread the cream right under her boob she felt a ticklish sensation that she hadn’t felt before. It made something in the back of her throat feel like she was craving for something. ’What the fuck?!’ she screamed inside her head and felt her face getting red. She held her breath until Sana was done with her ribs and went for her hip. This shouldn’t feel weird, right? 

Wrong! She should have taken off her pants herself before they start because Sana’s fingers brushing to her skin while holding her waistband felt like fire. She just hoped that Sana wouldn’t notice anything weird on her reaction. In the end she wasn’t sure because Sana said nothing and Dahyun knew that it was obvious due to her very pale skin. But she couldn’t know for sure. 

  
  


The days passed through their break. There was a routine in the house like having breakfast, lunch and dinner all together before the break ends or like spending the nights together to build their confidence before the comeback preparations and be in the right mindset for the schedule. There was a lot on their plate until Christmas. They had three weeks of promotions and after they had a lot of shows in Japan for their tour and a lot of award shows in the meantime. It would sure be exhausting. 

It had been a week since Dahyun had talked to her bandmates and there were three more days of their break. It was like she had her feelings on hold since the night she talked to them and she couldn’t understand why, until she woke up that day and everything was back. The girls spotted her change but didn’t interfere. They waited for her to speak to someone the whole morning but she didn’t. 

It was Momo who approached her half an hour before she would leave for the company and told her to go with her for some practice or just to sit around, whatever she wanted. That’s how she found herself sitting on the couch and watching the Japanese working on choreography with the Feel Special demo track. 

She spotted a lot of different movements and she couldn’t understand how they could connect with each other. She trusted Momo though; she was the best dancer she knew. Besides, she couldn’t figure the choreography just by watching Momo, she had to see it with all the members to understand. 

Not knowing how and when, she found herself thinking about her parents and how they would miss a comeback once again. Momo saw her from the mirror, her hands holding tightly the couch from each side of her legs and her stare focused on the floor. Dahyun was so lost that she didn’t notice the music had stopped. 

“Are your wounds healed?” Momo asked standing in front of her. Dahyun felt disoriented by her thoughts and by the question. 

“What..?” she asked a little frustrated. 

“Your wounds Dubu. Are they healed?” Momo asked with a little smile as she didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. 

“Almost” she answered hesitantly and a bit shyly. 

“Can I see? Your ribs specifically” Momo said without giving out her feelings. Dahyun was wondering what was this all about. 

“Sure” Dahyun stood up and held her t-shirt up to her sport bra. It was now a very pale yellow and there were some light brown spots on it. It was also a lot more smaller than a week before. 

“Does it hurt?” Momo asked while observing her. 

“Not at all, it’s just superficial. We actually stopped applying ointment the past two days, it seems unnecessary.” Dahyun said while putting down her t-shirt. 

“Right” Momo said and chuckled but before Dahyun could ask why, she spoke again. “So you can do intense movements?” she asked with concern. 

“Like dancing? Yeah no problem” Dahyun answered nonchalantly. She wasn’t sure if she was in the right mood to dance but she couldn’t deny Momo, she was trying to help her. 

“Okay, come with me” Momo said and turned to walk to the door, Dahyun following shortly in surprise. 

They walked two floors down and Dahyun was sure they were going to the gym rooms. She wasn’t fan of it although she had spent a lot of time there, like every member. When they entered Momo went straight to the other side of the gym, opening a closet and taking out two pairs of boxing gloves. Dahyun raised an eyebrow while approaching the older member who offered her a pair of gloves. 

“It will help you, I promise” she said smiling to the younger. Dahyun took the gloves and stared at them. She didn’t know how to do this, plus she wasn’t in the mood. If she could, she would be alone and staring at the ceiling of her room to shallow her dull feelings. Momo observed her reaction and could read her after they spend the previous week all together and they learned to read a lot of her expressions. 

“I know you don’t want it, but give it a try, it’ll help I promise” Momo told her while smiling to reassure her. 

“But I don’t know how to” she said sheepishly. 

“I’ll show you” Momo said and walked to the right corner of this side of the gym, Dahyun following her. There, next to some exercise machines for weight lifting, was hanging a blue punching bag. How had Dahyun never spotted it before? Right, they never weight lifted so she never gave much attention to that side of the gym. 

“You hold the bag for me and I punch. When I say down you will bend your knees to avoid any stray punch okay?” Momo said as she put her gloves on and Dahyun nodded okay. 

Momo started slow, punching and testing her hands, she hadn’t used this since the whole Sana incident. It was her way to let out her anger and frustration as she could understand very well how unfair people treated Sana. Being Japanese herself, she knew Sana hadn’t done anything wrong but the company decided to do nothing. Back at that moment it felt wrong, but now it felt right as it was like the company was supporting Sana with that move, not admitting that she did something wrong. 

Her memories of these past days only fueled her with anger and she started punching harder. She could feel it in her veins, the unfair way the people treated them like they weren’t humans, like they should be perfect. 

“Down!” she screamed when she felt she couldn’t handle her anger anymore. Punching four times with everything she got, she stopped and spotted Dahyun with surprise. “Stay like that for a bit” she told the younger and started walking around her and the punching bag to observe her. When Momo told her to bend her knees she meant to lean down her whole body. Dahyun had just bended her knees and was standing in a squatting position with her back straight, looking very sexy on the older’s eyes. 

“This… this is something else” she exclaimed forgetting her anger and everything. Momo giggled as this scene inspired her for Dahyun’s choreography for her rap part. She wouldn’t give it away to the younger though. 

“What?” Dahyun asked confused. 

“You’re very sexy like that” Momo told her and winked. Dahyun stood up, blushing uncontrollably to Momo’s words. 

“I don’t need the punch bag, I can punch you” she exclaimed trying to look threatening but it only came weak and embarrassed. 

“Come on Dubu!” Momo said and engulfed her in her arms. “We are here to help each other, and it’s not like I’m lying. I want to help you build your confidence” Momo placed a longing kiss on her temple before opening her arms and going behind the punch bag to hold it still. 

“If you feel like you can’t control it you tell me down” Momo said and Dahyun nodded okay. She started hesitantly, exploring the feeling of the gloves in her hands, the pressure with every little punch she gave, the feeling of the hand landing on the bag. When she found her rhythm her mind stopped thinking about the technicalities. Why was she here? Right, to let out her frustration. 

Her frustration that came back suddenly that morning. Because there was something new, because they had a comeback. Because her parents would be absent once again. Should she invite them? She would be dumb if she did, she knew they would reject her. Her father wouldn’t even flinch or talk to her and her mother would brush it off. She was punching forcefully but didn’t want to stop yet. 

How could she handle this? The only thing that made her happy, music and her bandmates. And her parents didn’t want to be there? How could she shallow it? She wanted them to be there despite their issues. She wanted them to love her, to help her, to hold her. How could she expect these things now, when they didn’t even give them to her before she become a trainee? 

Her biceps where burning and her whole body felt exhausted but she wasn’t ready to stop yet. She didn’t want to cry, she wanted to punch more and more until everything would be burned and she wouldn’t feel anything.

Dahyun was sitting on the table for dinner waiting for her parents. She had arrived the previous day but she hadn’t had the chance to meet her father yet as he was in a business trip and he had arrived half an hour earlier.  
  
When they sat to have dinner neither of her parents were willing to initiate a conversation, making the situation more awkward than usual.  
  
“How’s Myungsoo?” Dahyun asked as due to the ‘Likey’ promotions she hadn’t found the time to talk to him for the past two months. She knew he was in a serious relationship for the past year and wanted to know if everything was alright.  
  
“You don’t have time to talk to your own brother?” her father answered quietly through his clenched jaw, making the atmosphere heavier.  
  
“You know how it is when we promote” Dahyun answered sharply, not able to hide her emotions.  
  
“You’re happy now miss famous? Miss ‘queen of the Variety Shows’?” he mocked her, only making her see red.  
  
“Yes! I am happy! I’m doing what makes me happy! I chose to do it to be happy!” she shouted to him.  
  
“There are other things you could do to be happy with your life!” he shouted back.  
  
“You made me choose this when you two weren’t there for me when I needed you the most! I had nothing and no one to help me when she died and you weren’t there for me. So yes, it’s my choice and I’m happy with it!” she screamed, feeling tears filling her eyes, both her parents looking at her with mouths gaping trying to find an answer.  
  
“If you don’t apologize right now, you’re not welcome to this house anymore” her father said calmly, looking straight into her eyes.  
  
“I have nothing to apologize for” she answered as calmly as he did. Her father said nothing else, just picked his utensils to start his dinner. Dahyun left to her room to call her manager. She felt bad as the man was supposed to pick her up in a week and he had just travelled with her here and back to Seoul yesterday but there wasn’t another choice.  
  
She stayed in the dorm alone for the rest of the week, asking for the manager to not make it a big deal and not tell her members she was back. The pain was unbearable. There should be something to ease it.  
  
And that was the first time she scratched her hip.  
  


Punch! Punch! Punch! She let all her anger out, everything that hurt from this memory, she let it right there in the punching bag. Her body was exhausted and she wanted to give the last punch with every ounce of energy she had left. After giving the last punch she stumbled backwards before falling on her back and looking at the ceiling, breathing rapidly to calm down her heartrate. 

She looked over and saw Momo looking at her shocked while leaning down. Right, she forgot to tell her ‘down’. Good for Momo that she did bend down because Dahyun couldn’t remember anything. It was like she had left the room and was back again now. While her heartrate was steading down, she felt calmer and safer. How come these emotions emit from just punching a bag? She saw an extended arm over her head and took it to stand up. 

“Better?” Momo asked as she untied the gloves from the younger’s hands to put them back in the closet. 

“Yeah. Thanks unnie” she answered. She was lucky that Momo wasn’t from the talkative ones, she preferred actions instead. She wasn’t confident enough to give advice although Dahyun had witnessed some instances where Momo gave betters advices even from Sana. She was glad that she didn’t want more talking though, as she felt at peace and she didn’t want anything to interrupt it.

  
  


There were two more days of break, and as the days came closer Dahyun felt an invisible stranglehold tightening around her. Now that the girls knew it made it more intense than every other time she had prepared for a tight schedule after a break. She could hide no more and trying to act okay would cause all the attention on her. Not that she hadn’t had all the attention on her already, but she was thankful the girls were discrete. 

She wanted to talk with Sana and this was the only topic that Sana couldn’t help her; her parents. She knew she could talk to any girl she wanted but all she wanted was Sana. Sana was there from the start and had talked with her about everything. Even though Jihyo reassured her to approach whoever she wanted to talk, she hadn’t approached anyone but Sana the whole week. 

They spent every afternoon downstairs for the ointment hour with Dahyun becoming a blushing mess every time and Sana not commenting about it, talking about everything but Dahyun’s problems as the younger was in a numb state the first days, like she had her feelings on hold. 

The situation with Sana was weird. She wanted to spend all her time with her, but also felt weird things that she hadn’t experienced again. When she felt like she can’t take it anymore she told Sana that she wouldn't need more ointment as the bruise was almost healed and the scratches would take more time but didn’t need more ointment. Sana didn’t like her decision but it wasn’t her choice so she complied with the younger’s choice. 

She had to be patient for two more days. Then everything would be hectic and she wouldn’t have time with the preparations and the promotions. It would be two months and then a weeks’ break before the rest of their schedule continued. These were her morning thoughts before getting up and having breakfast with the girls. 

Dahyun excused herself and went to the basement studio feeling everything that she hadn’t felt for a week. She would like to go to the company and punch again in the gym but she didn’t feel like this should be the solution. Little did she know that if she had asked, Momo would take her there again. 

Her mood change was quite apparent to the rest of the girls. She wasn’t like that since the night in the kitchen and it was weird to them that for the past week she seemed calm and a little relaxed without talking about her feelings to anyone. 

“What’s wrong? Sana did she tell you anything?” Jihyo asked when Dahyun had left the kitchen to the studio. Sana didn’t reply, she didn't have any answers to give as the past two days she hadn’t spent any time with the Korean. She had spotted an awkward tension from the younger and she wasn’t sure where it came from. 

Sure, she saw Dahyun blushing when she applied the ointment but she didn’t pay a lot of attention as she thought that maybe Dahyun felt ashamed and exposed with everything that happened the previous days. She had told Momo about it, who suggested that maybe Dahyun was feeling more after their special connection but Sana quickly rejected it. It couldn’t be true as much as she wanted it to be. 

“I observed her when I woke up. She was already awake and deep in thought. Something is in her mind for sure” Chaeyoung said trying to appear less concerned than she was. 

“Yesterday I got her to throw some punches in the gym. She was very tensed while I was dancing and it really helped her. I didn’t know she could master so much power in her” Momo said, proud of her decision. 

“Being violent won’t help her manage her feelings” Sana said sharply looking on the table. She didn’t like the idea of an angry Dahyun punching uncontrollably anything. 

“Relax Sana, she isn’t violent and she definitely won’t become just because I helped her release some tension. Besides, it helped a lot. She was good after and it kept her calm for the whole day” Momo said calmly. She wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight with Sana and she knew that Sana was reacting overprotectively. Plus, if Sana was right Jihyo would confront Momo about her decision, and the leader didn’t say anything, so Momo was right. 

“So, Sana, will you talk with her?” Jihyo wasn’t sure if anyone else was able to approach her without knowing what’s going on in her mind, and Sana had already talked with her about everything. 

“No” she said deadpan and everyone looked at her with questioning gazes. 

“What do you mean no?” Jihyo asked again with her voice rising a little. She was already worried, and having to deal with uncooperative members was the least she wanted to deal with. 

“I can’t help her. I’m sure it’s about her parents. The first night I found her she was thinking about them. I already told you I can’t talk to her about it so no, I can’t talk with her.” Sana was fiddling with her fingers on her lap, her voice completely sad and her eyes teary. She couldn’t handle that she was unable to help the younger one. She tried to compose herself taking some deep breaths and sitting straight on her stool. This wasn’t about her, this was about Dahyun. 

“I can do it. You know my story” Nayeon said. Of course every one new about the rough relationship she had with her parents when she became a trainee and when they debuted. Her parents were against it, they wanted for her to study and have another life, but through time they solved it and now everything was almost like before. 

“Unless anyone else wants to do it, I don’t have a problem” she added. Jihyo looked through the kitchen island. She didn’t know any other member having family problems but they might had something untold she didn’t know. 

Jeongyeon was in a very healthy family, same as herself and Chaeyoung. Sana, Momo and Mina happened to come from incredibly lovable parents so there wasn’t any problem there too. Tzuyu had good relationship with her family too; her only problem was the distance and her leaving very young from home. That left Nayeon and Dahyun who seemed to be the troubled ones besides the nine. 

“Okay, Nayeon it is then…” Jihyo said when no one said anything, looking at each face to spot any hesitation. Spotting nothing, she felt relieved that no one was keeping any rough situation inside them. 

  
  


Entering the studio, Nayeon found Dahyun playing [ Fragilie Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_AgyV0eMhE). Nayeon often stayed with the younger after practice just to hear her playing whatever she wanted on the piano, relaxing and meditating after the harsh hours of practicing. That’s how Nayeon learned a lot of new music pieces. Now, knowing the song that the Korean was playing she hoped it wasn’t describing her feelings and her thoughts about the present. 

Nayeon walked to the piano, Dahyun making space for Nayeon to sit next to her once she spotted her. The older sat there observing the younger’s hands. She took some quick glances to see in what state was her feelings but tried not to overstep anything. 

“I love this song” Nayeon said with a genuine smile once Dahyun finished it. 

“Yeah. Everything Joe Hisaishi writes is pure gold” Dahyun said and Nayeon could spot the admiration. It wasn’t something huge, maybe if Dahyun was in a better mood she would be more expressive but it was okay, as little as it was, admiration was there and Nayeon was happy to spot it. 

“I know you usually play things that express your emotional state.” Dahyun looked at her confused. It wasn’t something she had admitted to anyone. Nayeon could see exactly what the younger was thinking. 

“Why are you surprised? We’ve spent so many hours on rehearsal rooms with you playing piano that I learned to read your mood.” Nayeon admitted. 

“You never said something though” Dahyun said shrugging her shoulders. 

“My mistake, true. I knew you weren’t good all these years but I thought it helped you meditate. I didn’t want to intervene. Although I regret it now” Nayeon said and Dahyun knew that she wasn’t talking about their piano hours anymore. She remained silent, afraid she might say something that could hurt the older. 

“So… Fragile Dreams?” Nayeon was asking about the meaning, Dahyun knew that. 

“I don’t always play according to my feelings. Actually, I always play according to my feelings, but it doesn’t mean that the title of the song has anything to do with it. I might feel expressed by the music regardless of the title” Dahyun said and Nayeon could tell she was trying to justify herself. 

“Do you?” 

“What?” Dahyun was confused. 

“I have heard you playing the specific piece a lot of times and I know it was in times you were struggling. So, do you play it regardless of the title?” Nayeon asked carefully. She knew she was revealing observations that might made the younger feel exposed or uncomfortable. The silence she received was the answer she was searching for. 

“What is it Dahyun? Do you feel our future as a group is uncertain? We keep going up every era, we do our jobs well, you shouldn’t feel like this. And whatever happens we’ll be there for each other.” Nayeon said, making Dahyun think about the time they will disband. No, she wasn’t ready to think about it yet, it was too soon, she just had to tell the truth to Nayeon to stop her from saying things like that. 

“No, no! Please don’t say things like that. I don’t want to think about disbandment or anything relevant!” she said with her whole body tensing. 

“Okay, I’m sorry” Nayeon said and put her arm around Dahyun to hug her sideways. “What is it then?” she asked carefully. Dahyun inhaled steadily to relax herself before speaking. 

“It’s about my past dreams. The ones that didn’t happened. The ones I had before… before everything changed” she admitted and leaned her head on Nayeon’s shoulder. There wasn’t any reason to lie or to hide things. She promised to be sincere and she would be. 

“Is this why you were in a bad mood since you wake up?” It wasn’t like Dahyun tried to hide it, she just didn’t expect anyone to approach her. It was her fault thinking that, as now everything had changed and there was no way to hide from them. So she decided to be straightforward with her replies. It’s just that she hadn’t done it before with Nayeon. 

“No, it’s where my thoughts lead me.” Nayeon knew from Sana the reason, that she was thinking about her family, but she wanted the younger to tell it by herself and not to force it. 

“Your thoughts?” 

“My parents. They’ll miss another comeback again. It’s not like I expect them to come. It’s been two years since I saw them and we fought. I know it’s not going to change, I just can’t accept it. I’m not in denial; I know there is no other way. It hurts a lot though…” Nayeon started brushing her hair with her free hand. She knew these feelings, she had felt them before. She was lucky enough to escape that situation and have her parents back in her life. In the younger’s case that didn’t seem possible. 

“You know how I fought with my parents to become an idol. They wanted me to go to uni and have a more decent future than this. We fought when I became a trainee but until we debuted we were in a better state. When we going to debut they talked to JYP to not allow me to do it, but they couldn’t do anything as I was already an adult. 

So for the first 10 months I think, they didn’t talk to me. They talked to me again after we became more popular with ’cheer up’ but it felt like they did it because we became more famous. Like, they were okay because we got fame, but if we weren’t that famous they would consider it a failure. I talked to them about it and they said I misunderstood them. 

I know I was right to an extend so I didn’t take it too far. I wanted to have a healthy relationship with them and tried to not give weight on the fact that it depended on our success. It hurt to think that this was the reason, but sometimes we can’t have it the way we want it.” Nayeon said without any bitterness. She had accepted everything a long time ago. 

“But you have them now” Dahyun said. It wasn’t the same situation. She would prefer Nayeon’s case than hers. 

“You’re right, I do. But it will never be the same. I’m not holding any bad feelings for them, it is what it is. When we debuted and they stopped talking to me, I was sure it was the end, I didn’t expect to have them back in my life. Jeongyeon and Jihyo helped a lot to handle it, and after a few months I accepted it. 

I couldn’t spend more time being sulky and sad. I had to be the example for the younger members – which means for everyone as I am the oldest – I had to give my best version, to try the most, to guide you in the right path. It was my choice after all, becoming an idol, and I didn’t intend to abandon in. It was the reason we fought in the first place. So I accepted that to achieve it I had to leave them behind. 

And I did, I accepted it. It wasn’t nice but I had to. And it was a lot of months that I expected nothing from them until we talked again. So yeah, it isn’t the same, but I’ve been in the same position. I’m not implying that the same will happen to you. I’ll be sincere. It seems unfixable from everything you told us. Am I right?” Nayeon waited for an answer but Dahyun just nodded her head in agreement. 

“So, I want you to understand that there are two options. The one is what you did until today, thinking about it and letting it eat you up. The second is accepting it no matter how difficult it is so you can walk forward and become better. It’s something that will keep you behind. And as it’s something that isn’t going to change, you can either keep it or leave it. It’s pointless giving space in your mind to something that is final. Everything is in our mind Dahyun.” Nayeon knew she'd said a lot and maybe she'd been a bit too straightforward but there wasn’t another way to say these things. 

“Sorry for being too straightforward” she said when Dahyun didn’t say anything. 

“Sometimes it’s necessary” Dahyun mumbled while trying to take in everything she'd just heard. Nayeon let her think about it. She knew it wasn’t something that would change right in that moment; she just hoped her words would help the younger walk in a better pathway. After a lot of minutes Dahyun sat straight, lifting her head from Nayeon’s shoulder and placing her fingers on the piano keys. 

“Join me” she said as she played the opening melody of their song [Melting](https://youtu.be/5gtUPYf70X4). It found her off-guard but there wasn’t a chance to reject the younger’s request. Dahyun joined her on the pre-choruses and choruses providing some beautiful harmonies that Nayeon loved. It only made her wonder why they didn’t have piano versions of their songs or some special stages with Dahyun playing the piano. They should propose it to their manager team. 

Just as Dahyun finished the outro, Nayeon’s phone buzzed and she put it off her pocket to check it. 

“We’ll go for grocery shopping with Jeong, wanna come?” she asked the younger. Dahyun seemed to consider it but declined the offer. 

“Thank you unnie, but I’ll stay to play some more” she said while smiling to the older, trying to express her gratitude for her time and will to help her. 

“Okay” she said and sat up from the stool. “Oh, before I leave, I want to ask for something. I hope you won’t freak out or feel uncomfortable though” she said clearly anxious. 

“What is it?” Dahyun asked with furrowed brows. 

“Momo told me that your bruise is healing well. Would you mind if I take a look?” Nayeon felt embarrassed for asking, but she was curious and happy at the same time, knowing that the younger was healing. 

“Sure” she said and stood up from the stool immediately feeling her cheeks getting red. No matter how many times she had done the same thing with the other members as well, it always made her feel ashamed and embarrassed. It was fair to let Nayeon see though, as every other member had seen it before, and Nayeon had been polite enough to not ask about it until now. 

“Sit down” Dahyun said and pointed to the stool, Nayeon doing as she said but looking confused. “I’m too short for you” Dahyun said and chuckled while lifting her shirt up to her bra and standing sideways in front of the older who laughed at her comment. It was good that she humored after such a heavy discussion. 

“Legs” Dahyun said when she saw Nayeon leaning forward uncomfortably to look up close but then separating her legs with Dahyun stepping besides them. She saw the older’s hand hovering in the air close to her ribs and looking up to her eyes asking for permission. Suddenly Dahyun’s mind thought of Sana. This was a good chance to test if this new weird feeling she felt when Sana touched her was only with Sana or it was something new in general. No one had touched her since they stopped the ointment hour so this was her opportunity. She nodded yes to the older and waited for her touch. 

’Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!’ was the only thing she could think. She was really fucked up. Nayeon’s touch did nothing to her, no tingly sensation, no weird feeling at the back of her throat. That meant one thing, and she wasn’t ready to admit it yet. 

“You good? Your face is red” Nayeon said while pulling down Dahyun’s t-shirt as she interpreted the reaction as embarrassment. It wasn’t in her intention to make her feel uncomfortable. 

"Yeah it’s just…” Dahyun considered of telling her about her weird feelings. She really needed someone to tell her that she misunderstood her own feelings but she wasn’t ready to talk as she hadn’t figured it out completely yet. Plus, she didn’t want to have anyone observing her interactions with Sana, searching for any hint of tension or anything. 

“Yeah I’m fine” Dahyun answered. Nayeon saw that there were things left unsaid but didn’t want to push further. Their whole conversation was enough and if the younger didn’t feel like talking more it was okay. She hugged her and gave her a kiss on the crown of her head, staying tangled with her for some time. It was her way to say ’I’m here. 

As she walked to the door to leave she stopped before opening it and turned to speak to Dahyun who was still standing in front of the piano stool. 

“Do me a favor?” Nayeon asked. 

“Hmm?” 

“Can you talk to Sana? I know you have a lot in mind but she feels like you’re avoiding her and she’s worried” she asked hesitantly. She wasn’t wrong, Dahyun had avoided Sana for the past two days trying to figure out what had changed. But now she hadn’t a lot of options. 

“Sure. Thank you unnie.” 

  
  


Dahyun stayed one more hour on the studio to consider everything Nayeon had told her. She knew that Nayeon was right, and if she had done what she suggested earlier she might be a lot better already. Better late than never though. She knew it wasn’t something that would happen in an instance. She just wanted to take the decision and start working on it. She should start caring more for herself. 

It was difficult, she knew it. She was thinking positive at the moment but she knew that she could be in the other side quite quickly. She didn’t want to lose this positive vibe so she left the studio and headed to Sana’s room, knocking and opening at the response. Feeling excited suddenly, she only put her head through the door and saw Sana sitting on her bed with her phone in hand looking back at her. 

“Tea time?” she asked wiggling her eyebrows up and down making Sana laugh surprised. 

“Sure” she said getting up from her bed to follow Dahyun to the kitchen. Dahyun sat on a stool facing the counter while Sana put water and turned on the kettle. She then proceeded to open a cupboard which contained multiple beverages like tea bags, taking one for her from the lower shelf. 

“Flavor?” she asked Dahyun without turning as she put her tea bag on a mug. 

“Blueberry.” It was Dahyun’s favorite flavor although she didn’t drink tea often. That’s why the specific box was on the upper shelf. And that’s what made Sana stretch to reach it with difficulty. 

Dahyun was sitting there, observing her. While she stretched, her t-shirt shifted revealing her lower back. Dahyun felt her nape getting hot and cold sweat dripping from her head but couldn’t avert her gaze, her eyes going lower. Did Sana always had such a nice ass? And oh God, how could white sweatpants look that good on her, hugging her hips so perfectly? Why was her throat dry suddenly? Why was she thinking like a horny teenager? 

’I’m so fucked…’  was all she could think.


	12. Golden dress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe and healthy in this mess we are living world-wide. Let's hope it will get better soon!!
> 
> TW: self-harm thinking

For most people it would be odd to start their schedule on a Wednesday and not on a Monday like regular people do after the weekend’s break. For an idol, there was never a matter of weekend. It would always depend on having a schedule or not. When they would have schedules it could go for weeks, even months without a break. So for Twice it didn’t feel weird that their schedule was starting on a Wednesday. It had to do with the dates and being ready when they should. 

It was the last afternoon before going back on track and everyone was chilling on their own way at the dorm, enjoying the last bits of freedom before the demanding days that would follow. Once again Dahyun was on the studio seeking some clarity. 

It was common knowledge that Dahyun was amongst the smartest members and she knew it herself too. That was the reason she chose to spend her afternoon at the studio alone to try and arrange her feelings and not with her roommates. Yesterday had been a weird day and she wanted to check on her feelings before they start their schedules. She knew once they would start there would be no time to think anything clearly, and leaving her head in a mess would become a huge problem. 

Her feelings about her parents were mixed since Nayeon had talked to her. She didn’t feel as bad as yesterday but there was a constant disturbance on her mind. She had drifted to sleep thinking about it and she was thankful than no nightmares occurred. She was thankful to Nayeon as she gave her a new perspective to look at the topic. 

Sure, she wanted her parents to be there for her and support her, but Nayeon was right. The situation was permanent and couldn’t change. So should she give it more space on her mind? Should she let it affect her so much? If she could achieve to let it go it would be one less problem off her shoulders. It wouldn’t be easy but it would worth it. It wasn’t the solution, depression wouldn’t vanish suddenly, but it may felt less heavy. She wanted to try it. She had given a promise to the girls and she intended to keep it. 

She wanted to discuss about it right there but didn’t want to talk to Nayeon again. She knew who she wanted to talk to; Sana. Being smart meant that she knew why Sana didn’t talk about that topic at all. Also it meant she knew what was wrong with her own feelings; it was just very difficult to admit it. 

Sana was the first person she opened up to, she was the person that held her in her arms every time she broke down in front of her, she was the person that reassured her that everything will be alright, she was the first person that she felt safe next to. She knew from the first days that a special bond was forming, she just hadn’t understood the way it would be. 

The days she had talked to Sana her pain was there, her fear was there, everything bad she was feeling was there. The morning after the night she talked to the girls she woke up a little lighter. Her anxiety was focused on the girls’ reaction and not on her problems and it stayed that way for the whole week that followed until yesterday. 

She wasn’t stupid, she knew it was a defending mechanism of her mind, she knew it would last until she would feel safe and sure with them and their behavior. While that happened her mind had the time to focus on different things. Chaeyoung's comment about Sana maybe was the trigger point, she wasn’t sure. The way she felt when she had the ointment hour with Sana the day after Chayoung’s comment was a wakeup call. She felt attracted to Sana and her special bond was more than what she had thought. It was something new for her and these feelings were totally fresh. 

She hadn’t been attracted to anyone since she was fourteen and it was weird. Sana had implied something about Dahyun having stopped developing emotionally since her teen years and Dahyun hadn’t consider it until now. It was a valid observation, she could admit it. She wasn’t sure how it would affect her. Being stopped and trapped in feelings for seven years only held her back, Sana was right. 

The last week she had spotted feelings she hadn’t felt for years. Was this the aftermath of dropping her guard down? Was it due to her opening up to them? Was it due to not being able to hide anymore? It wasn’t bad at all; it felt new and scary at the same time. She needed time to get used to everything though. 

The only thing she wasn’t sure she could handle was her feelings for Sana. Sure, she felt like a horny teenager when she looked at her body or her face. It was like all these years she was wearing a mask that left her eyes with her demolished guard. She was seeing Sana differently and she knew she couldn’t go back. But her feelings weren’t based only on attraction. 

She felt bonded with her after everything. Sana was there for her but she was there as a friend and only a friend, Dahyun was sure. Sana would never look at her like that and her intensions were clearly pure, she could see it. Plus, in the slightest chance they would adapt to a romantic relationship it would mess up the whole group. And not only that, they would have to hide, they would have to tell the company, they would have to avoid everything spilling out. It would be a mess. Two girls in a relationship? It would escalate in a huge scandal. 

All these thoughts peaked the anxiety in Dahyun’s body making her anxious and a lump forming in her throat. She shouldn’t make such impossible scenarios in her mind, it was pointless. She should be respectful towards Sana and behave as a friend. She would try to be appropriate and avoid making inept thoughts no matter how hard it would be. First thing was to talk to her about the whole parents issue.

  
  


“Oh, hey! I was about to text to.” Dahyun had just entered the room next to the studio to grab a bottle of water and text Sana to spend some time together. 

“Is everything okay?” Sana asked. She didn’t expect any message from Dahyun as the last days she was kind of aloof. 

“Yeah yeah. Just wanted to discuss some things I have in mind with you” Dahyun said as she grabbed a bottle of water and sat next to Sana on the couch. “Why are you here alone by the way?” Sana knew Dahyun was on the studio and wanted to feel as close as possible to the Korean. The distance that Dahyun had put between them left her no choice but sit there alone. It was silly but it helped her. 

“I wanted some alone time” she said smiling but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Dahyun was focused on the wall opposite her and missed it. 

“I should leave then…” she trailed without trying to hide her disappointment. 

“No, no. Don’t leave. I want to hear what you have to say” Sana said and her sincerity was clear in her voice. 

That’s all she needed to hear. Dahyun wanted to talk but didn’t want to get lost on her feelings. Having physical contact with Sana always helped her stay calm. Not wanting to intrude a lot she laid her head on Sana’s lap and spread the rest of her body on the couch resting on her back and looking up at the ceiling. 

“I talked with Nayeon unnie about my parents yesterday” she said and her eyes instantly became glassy, blinking them some times to avoid crying. 

“How did it go?” Sana asked clearly tensed about the topic. Dahyun felt it. 

“I know why you don’t wanna talk about that, I’m not dumb.” Dahyun said and looked in her eyes. It was Sana’s turn to avert her gaze. 

“You never had problems with your parents and you can’t accept the situation. You get mad and want to say a lot of bad things and accusation but you don’t want to behave that way because it’s not right and you know it. If you think about it your feelings are the exact opposite of mine. You can’t understand my situation and I can’t understand how there are families with no problems at all. So you’re afraid that if you speak you’ll regret the things you’ll say, am I right?” Sana was still looking anywhere but Dahyun and her silence was her answer. 

“Look…” Dahyun reached for one of her hands to hold, maybe being bold and reckless acting like this with her newfound feelings but wasn’t going to overthink about it. “I don’t want any advice on this. I just want to discuss what Nayeon unnie told me. I want your point of view on her advice, not your advice. You understand what I’m trying to say?” She knew it sounded weird and didn’t want to offend Sana in any way. 

“I’ll try.” Sana looked down at her and gave her a little smile. 

“So.. Her opinion is that if I’m sure nothing is gonna change in our relationship I should accept it and stop giving space on my mind to it. I know she is right and thinking about it it makes sense. I just don’t know how to achieve it. It’s confusing.” Dahyun was looking at the ceiling again, trying to untangle her feelings. It felt too complicated. 

“Do you want to do it?” 

“I mean.. I hadn’t thought about it. But she’s right. I can let it bring me down or leave it behind and have one less problem on my mind.” 

“Do you believe it is that simple?” Sana’s tone was neutral. She didn’t want to trigger anything negative, just tried to understand Dahyun’s point of view. 

“No it’s not. I have no idea how to do it. That’s why I wanted to talk with you.” Sana could hear the desperation in her voice. Although she wasn’t sure how to answer, she had to. 

“It’s not like I can tell ‘forget about it’ and you do that. It’s more how you work it around your mind. You have to think about it and let it sit on your mind, to understand the situation and be sure that there is no chance for reconciliation. And once you accept it you can move on from it. If you don’t do that way it will only get worse, like if you don’t clear everything about it in your mind and try to skip it. I haven't experienced something similar, having to let something behind but that’s my point of view on it.” Sana smiled again and started brushing Dahyun’s hair with her free hand. 

“What if I don’t have enough time to do it?” Dahyun’s voice sounded panicked suddenly. These words only worried Sana. 

“What do you mean?” she asked tensing again. She didn’t want to hear what her mind had assumed. Dahyun felt it again but didn’t comment on it, just explained herself. 

“I need time to do it, and tomorrow we’ll be back on schedule. I won’t have time to think about it but I’m afraid that this time will be different. As I don’t have to hide from any of you, I don’t know if my mind will be focused on our work or will mess up with everything. I’m afraid of the latter. So I don’t know if I can do it just today. I suppose it’s a long process to decide something like that and everything is weird and I don’t know what to do. And I have to look okay for the stuff and the managers to not suspect something and I-” 

“Hey, hey! Stop Dahyunie. Relax. You’re panicking.” Sana now knew what was on the younger’s mind and it was a lot. She was thankful for the slip up that happened just now, even though she wasn’t sure if it was a slip up or Dahyun talked intentionally. It must had been a slip up as Dahyun tried to keep a lot of her thoughts and that was a huge rambling that happened. 

“You don’t have to fake anything. It's okay if you don’t feel good. If the stuff and managers spot it they won't say. You don’t have to pretend.” Sana tried to sound as reassuring as she could. 

“I don’t want to bring the mood down to anyone.” 

“The mood will be down at the end of the day due to exhaustion, you know it.” 

“No. You’re wrong. It’s not a bad mood after, it’s just exhaustion. I know how to distinguish it. All these years, all these comebacks I saw how everyone reacts differently. Momo will be exhausted but will always want to continue until she feels like she’s burning herself. Jihyo will never say she’s tired to keep us up and to continue, and after practice she will always be positive and tell us how good we did. 

If she doesn’t, it means she isn’t satisfied by our efforts and she will say something like ‘let’s do better tomorrow’. I know you haven’t spot it but it happens. Tzuyu will always be satisfied and will sleep with a smile because she knows she gave it all and Chaeyoung will think about how she can get better analyzing the memories of her reflection on the mirror. 

Everyone has little characteristics and I can tell you about them. So yeah, I have seen everyone in a bad mood after a heavy schedule, and its rarely happening because everyone is happy about what we do and exhaustion is a price of it. And feeling like that means we did well. So yeah, don’t tell me that exhaustion means a bad mood. I know everyone loves the preparations for a comeback.” 

Sana looked dumbfounded. How could she answer to that? It was evident that all these years that Dahyun was silent she had observed everything. They were things that she would see herself if she stopped for a little to spot the girls but it never happened as she was always on the run with their schedule and her personality was not a silent one. It made sense that Dahyun had spotted all these things though. 

What else could she had spotted? Could she had spotted the girls giving her space and misinterpret it as indifference? Could she had spotted Sana looking at her, could she had spotted the members teasing her about Dahyun? Sana knew that Dahyun could wear a façade at any moment and hide everything as she did for the past years. She hoped Dahyun hadn’t spot everything she had thought and hid it. 

“Don’t overthink, I don’t want to talk more about it. Let’s just sit here a little and go up for dinner” Dahyun said and turned sideways with her back facing Sana, who felt like no words could come out from her due to her realization about everything. Their discussion wasn’t meant to end this way and she hated it but there was little she could say.

  
  


The sun hadn’t risen yet. The skyline was pink mixed with purple and blue as the sun was behind the horizon, a few minutes before his first appearance of the day. It was a beautiful view that they could observe only because the dorm was located on the outer space of the city where the density of the buildings was low and there weren’t tall skyscrapers cutting the view. 

Sana was looking out of the window with a half-sleeping Momo next to her on the car. It was only 5:30 and they had to be on the company by 6:00 AM. They would have a thirty minute briefcase and then dance practice for the new choreo until 5, and after they had outfit fitting for the music video. It would be the same for the next four days and then the video shooting would happen for the following three. 

“I can’t wait to see your reaction. Watch out for your girl’s moves” Momo told Sana as they got out of the car and entered the building. 

“What? What do you mean?” Sana wasn’t sure she could deal with sleepy Momo putting random hints about anything. Momo didn’t reply, just smirked and walked to the practice room. 

  
  


Everyone was sweaty, learning their choreo individually before combining them to one. They had to learn the intro, chorus and then the bridge until Dahyun’s part today, and the next day they would learn Jihyo’s after the bridge part through the end as they were the ones they would perform on the video, and the rest of the choreo would be learned after the shooting. Currently they were working on the bridge as they had already completed the intro and chorus. 

Dahyun was working alone with her instructor as she was the one with a completely different choreo than the others. Everyone was working with an instructor who helped with the positioning on the floor to learn their spots. The said instructors were company’s dancers except from the two who were the actual and professional choreographers. The one was currently working with Dahyun and the other was helping everyone else. 

“Do you think you got it?” the instructor asked Dahyun. They were working on one of the sides of the studio as the rest of the group was spread through the rest working on their similar choreo. 

“I think so” Dahyun replied. She had worn her façade the moment they left the dorm and whatever happened on her mind wasn’t evident. Her girls could kind of see through it after everything that happened but it was still difficult to tell. 

“Okay, let’s try it with music and counting” the instructor told her and then clapped her hands. “Everybody, take a break so we can go through Dahyun’s part.” With that all the dancers took positions on the floor except Dahyun’s instructor who stood in front of them to observe them. The rest of the girls stood in front of them on the side to not disturb their view on the mirror. 

The instructor played the song on the second chorus on Jeongyeon’s part and counted to queue them in. When the practice had started the dancers had performed each part and every dancer was assigned to a specific member so every girl could focus on her dancer and her part to have an idea of what’s going on. That’s why now everyone’s eyes was focused on Dahyun to see her part. 

You make everything alright gureumi jjwak kkin

Sana’s mouth was hanging open looking at the Korean dancing. 

“You’re staring, close your mouth” Momo told her and giggled. Sana couldn’t believe what her eyes had witnessed. A sexy Dahyun had just performed a perfect [slutdrop](https://twitter.com/dahyunah/status/1184258834635874304?s=20) in front of everyone confidently. Was that what Momo was talking about earlier? Probably. Indecent thoughts started flooding her mind. She usually tried to avoid making them but now she couldn't handle it. How was Sana supposed to forget this and focus on her job? Could she tattoo this exact image on the back of her eyelids to see whenever she wanted? 

Dahyun finished her choreo focusing on the instructor for any correction. She didn’t want to look at the girls as she felt embarrassed having to perform sexily and didn’t want to lose her serious façade. Little did she know that eveyrone was staring surprised and a certain Japanese had very explicit thoughts in her mind.

  
  


After finishing with outfit fitting, everyone was back in the dorm ready for sleep. They had been very productive and everyone felt satisfied. What made everyone happier was that they’ve been informed that Mina would join them tomorrow and would be there for the video production. She would also stay longer to record her vocals as the rest of the group had recorded theirs before the break. 

Dahyun felt surprised about Mina’s arrival. She wasn’t sure how to react. She was happy that Mina would be back for some weeks but didn’t want to interact with her. She knew Mina would spot that something was different and would want to learn what happened and Dahyun was sure she and the girls shouldn’t let Mina know about her. She would get more stressed and worried and it could affect her progress negatively. 

All these thoughts kept Dahyun’s mind from sleeping, making her shuffle in the bed for the past hour. She felt a body behind her spooning her and hugging her loosely. 

“You okay?” It was a sleepy Tzuyu that probably had been awaken by Dahyun’s shuffling. Chaeyoung could have never been awakened being a heavy sleeper. 

“Sorry” was all Dahyun said. She didn’t want to speak about her feelings and Tzuyu knew better than pressuring her. It wasn’t what she wanted but Tzuyu’s presence helped her sleeping faster. 

  
  


Next two days went similar with the first, except Mina’s presence. Dahyun tried her best to appear in a good mood and condition, attempting her best to not create any kind of problems. Mina would stay at the dorm as long as she was going to be there and that made everything even more difficult for Dahyun. She had to suppress everything in front of her during the day, making the nights unbearable. 

The second night was Tzuyu’s arms that helped her again. But the third night was worse. Her pain was back unexpectedly. She went downstairs on the couch room to not disturb Tzuyu again. The feeling was something Dahyun hadn’t experience before. All the other times she was safe on her own world. Now it was the first time she had to go back on schedule feeling exposed. She wanted to hide everything. She could see how the members were watching her trying to be discrete only making her feel worse. 

Going back on schedule was supposed to help her ease her mind and this time it was nothing but this. What could she do now that her “safe place” wasn’t that anymore? The pain was back, the emptiness was back. She was pacing through the room trying to ease her mind someway. What should she do? She wanted to cut again. She knew there was a first-aid kit at one of the cupboards but she had promised not to cut again. But the pain was there and she knew no other way to stop it. But she had promised. But the pain was there. She could do it secretly, she could be careful. It would be one time, just this ti-. 

“What happened?” Sana asked entering the room. Dahyun’s thoughts were interrupted with her arrival, instantly getting mad as her plan couldn’t go through with Sana’s presence in the room. 

“Why are you here?” she asked sharply trying not to let a lot of her anger out. 

“Tzuyu texted me.” Sana answered calmly. She could see the underlying anger on the Korean. Dahyun was looking at her a bit threateningly and Sana wasn’t going to leave her alone in that state. She knew something was wrong. Tzuyu had told her about the two previous nights that Dahyun couldn’t sleep and she had helped her. 

“Tell me what’s wrong” Sana said as she walked through the room to prepare one couch with pillows and a blanket. She knew they would cuddle to help Dahyun sleep. Dahyun stared at her blankly this time. She wanted Sana to leave her alone but wanted to hold her in the same time. Sana wasn’t going to let her alone, so there weren’t a lot of options left. 

“Let’s just sleep” she said and walked to the couch. Sana positioned herself on the couch with her back on the back of it waiting for Dahyun to lie in front of her to hold her close. When the younger was finally in her arms she could sense how tensed the Korean was. 

“Dahyun, I’m worried” Sana said behind her quietly. It had been days since the last time she cried. She didn’t want to, she knew it would help but she didn’t want to. She would never cry while on schedule before, she would be exhausted and sleep would take her easily. But this time everything was different. 

“It hurts” she whispered and tears started forming in her eyes. Her body started trembling and slowly small whimpers became choked sobs. She couldn’t control it and she cried till she fell asleep. Sana didn’t speak again, she just held her through her break down and through sleep. It broke her heart feeling the Korean’s shivering body on her, every sob tore her heart a little and she knew the reason. 

She just hoped it wouldn’t happen that soon. She hoped it would take more days. She secretly hoped it wouldn’t happen at all. Dahyun had told them that when they were back on schedule she never had time to think about anything and her situation was worse on breaks. Why did it happen now that they were back on schedule? Was she affected by everything that happened during their break? 

Sana knew it was serious. What if now she felt in pain constantly, no matter if on break or on schedule? That could lead in a very bad situation. What if she wanted to self-harm again? Sana couldn’t let it happen. She should talk to Jihyo about it maybe tomorrow.

  
  


First day of shooting for the movie included their individual shots. Sana and Dahyun would be in each other’s, like Chaeyoung and Mina, Momo and Tzuyu, Nayeon and Jihyo, and Jeongyeon would have a solo one and one with every member. Going with age hierarchy, Sana’s shooting was first and Dahyun’s second. 

For Sana’s scene Dahyun would stand in a walking crowd in the rain, holding an umbrella resembling Twice’s colors and their lightstick’s pattern. It would symbolize finding each other in difficult times. Sana would sit alone and sad and Dahyun would find her to shine in her life, like each one’s lyrics resembled. 

Walking on set to get ready for the shoot, Sana was already there filming. Dahyun had in mind to be as cheerful as she could to not provoke any concern on the production members and to convince Sana the best way she could that she was okay. She wasn’t okay but this was a chance to have fun and leave her problems behind a little. 

Sana was wearing a very sexy outfit with high-thigh red boots, a mid-thigh sparkling skirt, a black cropped top with a nice v-line topped with a black leather jacket. Total girl crash look. Most of the times the concept was cute, this being the second time with a more mature vibe after ‘Fancy’ which was mostly girl crushy and Sana was the only one with a girl crash concept this time. Her hair was blond-pink with a wavy wet look completing her appearance perfectly. Dahyun couldn’t take her eyes off her. 

After admiring Sana’s work from the side, she entered the scene to take part on it. For the specific scene her appearance would be from her back, not showing her front and with Sana facing the camera and both facing each other. Dahyun took this chance and started making silly faces to make the Japanese laugh with success. Sana had to sport a sad and kind of lost expression and Dahyun made it really difficult, to the point she got scolded for laughing from the director. She didn’t mind it at all, Dahyun having fun and being mischievous was a side of the younger she hadn’t seen since the last time they shot a music video. They kept filming Sana’s part for a lot of time with the crew being patient with their silliness. And then it was Dahyun’s turn to film her scenes. 

The positioning was the same. Sana was sitting on the stairs in front of a closed door resembling a bar protecting herself from the rain and Dahyun would walk through a fast-paced walking crowd holding an umbrella and stopping in front of Sana, looking at each other and smiling with gratitude in the end. 

Dahyun had to coordinate with the supporting cast that was walking in front of her as she had to walk across them to finally stand in front of Sana. This scene took a good one hour to finish as it was very difficult to walk through the said crowd. Once finished, Sana took her spot on set and they prepared to shoot together. This time Dahyun would face the camera and Sana’s body would be shown from the side with her face hidden by her hair. 

It started normally until Sana decided it was time for revenge. She suddenly started making cute faces and aegyo poses. Dahyun couldn’t hold her laughter and tried to look anywhere but Sana. The director told her that her look shouldn’t come unfocused and to look at Sana. She tried her best, until Sana started flirting. 

She sent her little kisses or winked her eyes making her a blushing mess instantly. After some minutes of Sana’s flirt she asked for a break and excused herself to the bathroom. She had asked it to try and gather herself to have a good final result and not torment the crew more. 

It was a common situation with Sana flirting her, especially in front of fans, and Dahyun always considered it fan service. She knew a lot of fans were shipping them and she didn’t mind reciprocating the flirting back. The first years she felt awkward doing and receiving it but she gradually learned how to handle it and have some fun with it. Until today. 

With her feelings being changed towards Sana, every bit of flirting Sana had performed had hit her differently this time. She couldn’t control her blushing, she couldn’t control her heart beating faster, she couldn’t control her heart feeling flattered. But Sana was only trying to make her unfocused to take revenge for making her laugh earlier, she didn’t mean it, she knew it. 

So what would be better than enjoying Sana’s flirting? She could play her game and pretend that it was real, enjoying something she knew she couldn’t have in reality. It was her chance to take pleasure from it even though it was just teasing. She should probably get used to it as she knew Sana would flirt with her in general for the fans. These little chances one shouldn’t skip. 

The rest of the shooting went incredibly well with the director thanking them for their hard work and the crew applauding them before wrapping up. First day was over. 

Next two days went by with the group and the choreo parts shooting. It was really exhausting to the point that everyone was about to collapse except Sana. She was always hyper when she felt tired. It was a good thing as her behavior was bringing everyone’s spirit up at these difficult moments either being her silly dances, her funny expressions or performing exaggerative aegyo. 

Everyone was happy seeing Sana behaving like that as they hadn’t seen a lot of this side of her since her scandal last April. She was back in track and everyone felt relieved witnessing it. Dahyun had one problem though. Every outfit Sana wore was too sexy in her eyes and she couldn’t take them from her every time they paused shooting. It felt like Sana was a magnet attracting Dahyun. Two days of group shooting and four different outfits were enough to satisfy Dahyun’s mind and feelings. 

"Bro" Chaeyoung said elbowing Dahyun's ribs lightly gaining her attention. "You're staring." Chaeyoung said chuckling, finding her unprepared.

"I'm not" Dahyun said sternly, Chaeyoung only smirking and leaving. She wasn't staring, right? 

  
  


Dahyun felt good since the night she broke down in Sana’s embrace until the day after the shooting. She achieved to leave everything out of her mind and enjoy the process but now it was over. They had the day after to relax and the next they'd be back to learn the rest of the choreography and practice through the week. Then it would be one week till the comeback and they had to shoot for Idol Room and other various things, plus continuous practice. 

Mina was in the dorm and as Dahyun wasn’t feeling well she once again excused herself to the studio avoiding Mina. She didn’t had the courage to pretend. 

Earlier when she woke up she felt numb and later she started feeling some fragments of pain in her chest. She knew what provoked it. She didn’t know how to control it as much as she wanted to. She tried to let it pass. She wanted to handle it after their comeback but it showed up without her will at random times. One moment she'd think about Sana and the other her parents would flood her thoughts torturing her and leaving her torn apart. 

With little options left she decided to handle it and not try to wait until their schedule was done. She would try what Nayeon had suggested but in her own way. 

Starting playing [One Summer’s Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TK1Ij_-mank) on the piano, a memory quickly flood her mind. 

A ten years old Dahyun was playing the piano in her room. Finishing her piece she smiled satisfied. She had spent the past five days learning and mastering this specific piece.  
  
“Daddy!” Dahyun shouted excited when her father came back home from work late afternoon.  
  
“Hello princess” her father kissed the crown of her head and ruffled her hair after.  
  
“I want to play something for you” she said smiling widely.  
  
He followed her to her room and sat behind her on the bed with Dahyun sitting on the piano stool.  
  
Last week her father had recommended to her and Nari to watch ‘Spirited Away’. He had told Dahyun that it was his favorite movie and he loved the soundtracks. After loving the movie herself, she decided to learn her favorite music from the film.  
  
Dahyun’s father was surprised. He didn’t expect his daughter to play at this level at such a young age, only after two years of getting lessons. Her tutor had informed them that her progress was rapid and she had a natural talent towards music.  
  
Having a heavy workload, he didn't have the time to listen her play or practice a lot, so her progress was monstrous on his eyes.  
  
Once she finished she jumped in his lap and hugged him tightly.  
  
“Did you like it daddy? I learnt it for you” she said excitedly and looked at him expectantly.  
  
Hearing her words and being already emotional he couldn’t help but let a tear fall from each eye.  
  
“Why are you crying?” she asked very worried. Didn’t he like it?  
  
“They are tears of joy and happiness little pumpkin. You make me so happy. I’m very proud of you, do know that?” he said hugging her tightly.  
  
Dahyun wasn’t keen of flattery but hearing her father’s words made her heart expand and fill with love and affection. He wasn’t strict but he wasn’t from the expressive ones. He preferred actions instead.  
  
“I love you” he said and kissed her crown again. 

Dahyun kept playing the piece again and again. She wouldn’t stop until she felt that she was done with this memory. 

Once upon a time her father was proud of her. Once upon a time he loved her. Once upon a time he held her in his arms and called her princess. Silent tears started falling from her eyes. She wasn’t sure if it would escalate to something more like a break down but it felt like it wouldn’t. She was trying to accept the situation; there wasn’t a reason to let it get bigger. Tears were okay, sobs weren’t. 

Now her father wasn’t proud. But Dahyun was her own person and the choices about her life was hers to take. So many things had happened that led to the current situation. But the past was in the past and the situation couldn’t change. He might still loved her; she was his daughter after all. But it wasn’t enough. There were no bridges left to build and cross. Like it or not Dahyun had to accept it. And right in that moment she accepted it. It was a small step but it was enough. 

She didn’t know how many times she had played the piece once she stopped. Her hands were a little shaky from playing for who knows how much time and her eyes were still trailing silent tears. Accepting wasn’t easy. 

“I love this piece so much.” When did Sana had come to the studio? Dahyun froze. She wasn’t aware that she wasn’t alone. Soft steps echoed through the studio as Sana walked to her, Dahyun making her room on the stool to sit. 

She didn’t said anything when she saw Dahyun’s tears; she let the Korean lean her head on her shoulder to cry on. She knew that if Dahyun wanted to talked she would. 

Dahyun took some minutes to finalize her feelings and her thoughts about her situation. Once she felt steadier she let Sana’s scent engulfe her. She smelled like maple and caramel and Dahyun knew she must had a shower earlier. It was a sweet fragrance that she lived and started getting used to. 

She was feeling a little sleepy. Sana’s presence always calmed her down when she was stressed or worked up. 

“You know, your outfits for the video were very beautiful” Dahyun said before thinking clearly. Why did she say that? 

“You liked them?” Sana’s tone was neutral but there was a little teasing on it. Dahyun was out of words and every trace of sleepiness left her body. 

“A lot” she said sheepishly. She could picture clearly each of them in her mind. 

“I liked yours more” Sana replied now flirting. Dahyun’s mind was divided on reciprocating or stopping it there. Flirting with Sana could make her feel really good. 

“Which one was the best?” Dahyun said while lifting her head from Sana’s shoulder and closing the piano lid smirking in the meantime. 

“The golden dress one. It was perfect for your slutdrop” Sana was the one smirking now. Dahyun felt heat on her face and tried her best to control it. 

“Really?” she said standing up and searching on her phone. Two could play this game. She connected it to the speakers via Bluetooth and started playing ‘Feel Special’. Sana repositioned herself on the stool now having the piano on her back and facing Dahyun who was standing a few meters in front of her. 

Right before her part started she locked eyes with Sana, and kept them there throughout her dance. Sana wasn’t prepared. The moment Dahyun locked eyes with her she gulped. And the moment she performed her slutdrop she couldn’t take her eyes from Dahyun’s hips. Suddenly the room felt too hot. 

Dahyun picked her phone and stopped the music feeling smug about Sana’s state. Sana was caught unprepared. Dahyun would flirt back only in front of cameras. This was a first and Sana didn’t know how to react. 

“Let’s go up. We’ll have dinner soon” Sana said after standing up and walking to the door. Why did Dahyun felt so satisfied seeing Sana so disoriented?

  
  


Once they were upstairs Sana went to Momo’s room and after closing the door she leaned her back on it and closed her eyes. Both Jeongyeon and Momo were sitting on the bed watching videos on a phone. They looked at her puzzled. 

“Everything alright?” Momo asked. 

“Dahyun” Sana said without opening her eyes. She knew they would tease her. 

“Is she okay? What happened?” Jeongyeon asked this time. Sana blushed instantly. 

“She just flirted with me!” she said hissing and opening her eyes. For a few seconds the two girls looked at her blankly. And then they burst in laughter. It was the first time they’d seen Sana in that state. No one had ever achieved to make her flattered by flirting. 

“I guess her game is strong if she made you such a mess” Jeongyeon said lifting a brow suggestively. 

“It’s not that. I told her my favorite outfit of hers on the music video was the golden one because it's perfect for her slutdrop. And then she performed it in front of me looking sexy and all!” Sana still couldn’t comprehend what happened a few moments ago. 

“That move was my idea by the way. You can thank me later.” Momo said smirking. 

“I hate and love you for that.” Sana said. 

“I wanna see your reaction the next days on practice. The whole choreo is sexy. How will you focus on yourself in the mirror?” Momo said and giggled. 

“I bet the instructor will scold her a lot” Jeongyeon joined Momo in teasing. 

“I hate you both!” Sana said before leaving their room. 

  
  


Later at dinner Dahyun was sitting across Sana on the kitchen island. Her mood had stayed in a good level after her time with Sana. She decided that from now on if Sana flirted she would flirt back. It was fun. 

“So, I got informed earlier for the outfits for the first week of the comeback. First will be the purple and blue ones” Jihyo said. She was sitting at the head of the island. 

Dahyun looked at Sana blankly. Sana hadn’t talked a lot to the Korean since they left the studio. So if she flirted with her now Sana wouldn’t be able to answer. She was sure that after today Sana would be used to it and would answer every time. Today was Dahyun’s chance to enjoy it. 

“When are we performing with the golden and pink outfits?” Dahyun asked looking at Jihyo, her face not giving out anything. Jihyo put out her phone to check on the info. 

“ It’s blue-purple on the 26th at [ MCountdown ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTpkY2MBy8I), white on the 28th at [Music Core](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSywoCtYwQk) and golden-pink on the 29th at [Inkigayo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9ROp0LSwh0).” Jihyo said and put her phone back in her pocket. 

“Nice, thanks unnie” Dahyun said and looked at Sana who was looking back at her with furrowed brows while eating a bite of rice with her chopsticks. ‘Cute’ she thought. 

“On the night of the 29th expect a gif of me slutdropping” she said smirking at Sana. A lot of gasps sounded across the table, Sana dropping her chopsticks and chocking on her food, Momo patting her back to help her while chuckling. Jeongyeon was standing next to her offering a bottle of water trying to hold her laughter. 

Eventually the whole table bursted in laughter. Dahyun thought it was because she hadn’t act like that before and they found it funny. The truth was that everyone had the same thing as Momo and Jeongyeon in mind, knowing about Sana’s feelings. The night rolled really well after that and everyone was happy seeing Dahyun in this version of herself. 

  
  


“Can I ask a favor?” Dahyun and Sana were the two who stayed to clean the dishes and the kitchen. 

“Shoot it” Sana replied while rubbing thoroughly a plate. 

“Can you sleep with me tonight? I feel good and I’m afraid if I stay alone my thoughts will drift to my parents.” She really didn’t want to have a bad night after enjoying dinner. 

“Sure Dahyunie. Can I ask something? Don’t answer if it’ll change your mood.” Sana said passing her the now clean plate to dry it. 

“Shoot it” she repeated giggling making Sana laugh too. 

“Why were you crying earlier?” Sana wasn’t going to ask but Dahyun gave her space with her words. 

“I’m trying to cope with my feeling about them and I have a certain procedure in mind. I’ll tell you more but not now, okay?” she said and turned her head to look at Sana. Sana told her to not say if she didn’t want, and talking about it more would definitely change her mood. Sana nodded okay giving her a reassuring smile. 

  
  


They were lying on Dahyun’s bed ready to sleep. It was more comfortable than the couch and Dahyun had already spent a lot of the past nights there. Sana was spooning her loosely and she pushed herself a little closer to Sana’s body. She wasn’t flirting, she just wanted to take everything Sana was willing to give her, even though it wasn’t for the same reason Dahyun wanted to. 

“Being bold, aren’t we?” Sana whispered in her ear to not disturb the other two occupants of the room, tightening her grip on Dahyun’s waist. Dahyun giggled without actually responding. 

“Expect a payback for today.” Sana whispered teasingly. Dahyun felt so happy knowing that Sana would flirt with her again. Maybe a little flattered too. She turned her body a little in order to look at Sana. They looked at each other, one with gratitude for everything, one with happiness for seeing a happy side of the Korean again. Dahyun’s eyes landed on Sana’s lips briefly before she put a kiss on Sana’s cheek. 

“Thank you for today” Dahyun said and turned back on her position. Sana was speechless. She couldn’t recall another time that Dahyun had given her a kiss first; it was always Sana, either on public or privately. A lot of firsts happened today. 

“Goodnight Dahyunie.” was all she could say. 

“Goodnight Sana unnie.” Dahyun whispered back. She was smiling but Sana couldn’t see. Maybe Sana was wondering why she thanked her. Earlier in the studio it was Sana that calmed her down. It was Sana that eased the pain. It was Sana that could make her feel safe. Sana. It was always Sana.


	13. The bad memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied self-harm thoughts

To say that Dahyun was stable emotionally to the slightest would be an understatement. She was confused with herself and emotional state. She'd either be carefree, usually whenever with Sana, or completely lost in her memories and her parents issue, triggering her sadness and emptiness.

When she woke up Sana was already out of her room. She wasn’t sure if waking up with Sana next to her would make her feel better, but her mood was really bad. She wanted the days to pass as fast as possible so she could perform in front of their fans. She wasn’t wearing a façade in front of them, she was herself and for the minutes it would last she'd be happy, giving her enough energy. She hoped it wouldn’t be different this time. For now though, she had to prepare herself for another exhausting day at the company. She'd wear her serious and professional façade the moment she'd step out of the dorm until she'd be back later at night.

Entering the kitchen to take a bottle of water she found Mina preparing breakfast. She had successfully avoided being alone with Mina all these days and she hoped she'd skip it now too.

“Good morning.” she said crossing the kitchen fast going straight to the fridge. Mina hadn’t listened her entering and got caught unprepared. In the few seconds it took her to register Dahyun’s presence and turn around to greet her Dahyun was already heading out.

“Good morning, I-” Dahyun was already out of the kitchen leaving a puzzled Mina behind.

“-cooked breakfast.” Mina said and sighed. What was wrong with Dahyun? Whenever she asked someone they avoided answering or changed the topic. A few seconds later Jihyo entered the kitchen.

“Morning Mina ” Jihyo found Mina looking at the kitchen’s entrance a little bit lost in thought. “Mina I think the pancake is burning.” she said making Mina unfreeze and go back to the pan. Frustrated, she took it and threw the pancake in the bin.

“Morning Ji” she said as she put another portion of dough in the pan. She wasn’t one to burn food and being a perfectionist it hurt her ego.

“What’s wrong?” Jihyo asked seeing her inconvenience though her motions. Mina lowered the temperature of the stove before turning a little to look at Jihyo who was sitting on a stool. She didn’t want to burn more pancakes.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” she said looking Jihyo straight in the eyes. Jihyo knew she was refereeing to Dahyun. She herself had greeted Dahyun in the hallway so she assumed she'd been in the kitchen moments before. She wasn’t sure what could have happened, though it seemed like nothing had as Mina was demanding explanations.

“Is this about Dahyun?” Jihyo asked trying to buy more time. She wasn’t ready to talk with Mina about it.

“Yes.” Mina said while focusing on flipping the pancake.

“She’s going through a phase for some personal issues, don’t worry.” Jihyo answered trying to say the truth without revealing it. Mina wasn’t satisfied with that.

“That’s not enough, tell me more.” She said taking the pancake out of the pan and placing it on the pile of the already made ones.

“That’s all Mina, I don’t have anything more to say” Jihyo said calmly while Mina poured another portion into the pan.

“Jihyo,” She started and turned her whole body to look at her. “You don’t get to say that’s all. She’s been avoiding me all these days, she doesn’t stay in the same room alone with me, she only interacts with me when we’re with more girls and it’s only the typical. She even skipped breakfast the past two days and you said nothing.”

“Who skipped breakfast?” A sleepy Momo entered the kitchen.

“Dahyun.” Mina said sharply. Momo just hummed and sat on a stool in front of Jihyo.

“Jihyo are you kidding me now? Momo reacts like it’s a normal thing. She skipped it today too, if you want to know.” Mina said and turned again to flip the pancake, turning again to look at them after.

“She doesn’t eat bre-”

“Momo stop!” Jihyo interrupted her abruptly.

“No Momo, don’t. Tell me what’s wrong.” Mina insisted. She knew she had her way with Momo. The older Japanese never told her no. Momo was looking from Jihyo to Mina, both looking her with an intense gaze. She wanted to pleasure both of their demands but that couldn’t happen.

“Momo…” Mina pleaded. She wanted some answers and it seemed her only hope was Momo. How was Momo stuck in this situation this early in the morning she couldn’t understand. She just wanted to eat her breakfast before leaving the dorm.

“Mina..” Jihyo started after recognising the uneasiness in Momo's posture. “I really don’t know what more I can say. Dahyun isn’t good and we’re giving her space. She isn’t alone; she speaks when she needs to. I think now isn’t the right time for you to know. It’s a lot. When you both feel better I’m sure she’ll talk with you too.” Jihyo hoped what she said was enough for Mina to understand.

“Mina!” Momo shouted while getting up and running to the stove. “The pancake is about to burn!” she said taking it out of the pan. “Let me finish them.” She said and Mina went to sit on a stool too. She had a lot to think and making pancakes would be a disaster. She didn’t speak again and Jihyo was thankful she didn’t press for more. She knew Mina could understand Dahyun better than anyone though she wasn’t sure on what extend Mina had understood what happened with the little info Jihyo gave her.

  
  


Practicing the choreo wasn’t that bad. Everyone loved it from the first moment and the excitement was overflowing on their faces. The only problem was having to relearn how to stand without Mina there. They were lucky that they hadn’t learn the verse’s choreo at all, they would later have to learn it again when Mina would be back. It wasn’t a lot; mostly some members changing positions and remembering to stand in different spots.

The instructors were quite pleased with the girls. They learned the verse’s choreo quickly and until early afternoon they had started working to the song as a whole. After some time that they felt comfortable with the result they relaxed a lot, making their moves sharper, expressing confidence.

They were dancing the whole song again, Dahyun feeling sure about her movements. Without second thinking it she searched on the mirror for Sana. Too bad for her that Sana was already looking back at her. Once they connected their gazes Sana winked at her, executing her hip movement a bit exaggeratedly. This made Dahyun trip on her feet and fall backwards landing on her bum.

“Are you okay Dahyun?” one of the instructors asked her after stopping the music.

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry” she said blushing madly. She was a little ashamed having everyone looking at her.

“Okay. Everyone take ten” the other instructor told them and both left the room. Sana walked next to Dahyun extending an arm to help her stand up.

"Does it hurt anywhere?” Sana asked concerned. She knew she might was overreacting but she wanted to make sure the Korean was okay.

“Will you kiss it better if it does?” Dahyun answered after standing in front of her with a little smirk. Sana wasn’t prepared for this once again. She had flirted first and didn’t expect Dahyun to do it back so openly in front of the girls. Although her cheeks were red, she answered back.

“I’d love to” she said and winked again. Dahyun could do this all day, feeling little small butterflies in her stomach. If Sana’s payback could make her feel this way, she would make sure that Sana wanted payback every day.

  
  


“Why didn’t you tell me she skips breakfast?” Jihyo and Momo were the last ones left in the studio before going back to the dorm. Jihyo waited all day to have this conversation with Momo.  


“I thought you knew. It’s not like she’s hiding it. She skips dinner too by pretending to eat but having her plate full in the end.” Momo said calmly. She didn’t like confrontations and Jihyo looked quite tensed.  


“I didn’t know. What about lunch?” Jihyo tried to behave, Momo wasn’t at fault. It was her own fault not observing it.  


“I think she eats lunch because she spends it with Sana. Sana won’t let her skip it in any way” Momo chuckled on the thought. She had spotted a lot of things besides the two and it was funny that both of them were oblivious about the other’s feelings and behavior.  


“Okay, I’ll ask Sana. Please, don’t say anything to Mina. I know she’s got you wrapped on her finger but it isn’t the right moment for her to know.”  


“Okay, I won’t, I promise” Momo said blushing a little due to Jihyo’s comment.  


“Let’s go, they’re waiting for us.”

  
  


Three days passed by really fast. It would be practice, studio alone time and all over again. The practice was happening without the instructors and the vibe was better, like freedom. They were professionals and supervision was unnecessary. They instructors would be back a few days before the comeback for any corrections. 

This freedom made it easier for Sana and Dahyun to flirt through the mirror, either being suggestive looks or too sexy dance moves, they both had a good time. Little did they know that Jihyo was spotting their interactions. 

As good as practices went, the nights were a completely other case. Dahyun would try to eat a little and then go downstairs. She had this process in mind, thinking about memories from home that were full of love or full of pain. It wasn’t beautiful as in either case she'd end up crying, but she'd promised to herself to go through it in order to get better. 

There weren’t a lot of memories left, most of them being painful to think. The last three days she had asked Sana to give her space when on dorm. She didn’t feel like telling Sana about what she was doing, not because she believed it was wrong but because it felt too personal. She wanted to keep it for herself. It was her memories in the end. 

There was one good memory she had in mind and she was debating with herself on leaving it as the very last one she would process through this whole procedure. She knew what song was associated with this specific memory. Every good memory was associated with a song, where not all the bad ones had songs attached to them. Her hands were hovering over the ivory keys trying to decide when the door opened, Mina entering the room. 

“I know you didn’t eat, so here I am” Mina said while crossing the room to reach Dahyun. She really didn’t want to eat, and having Mina there after successfully avoiding her was the last thing she wanted. 

“Thanks but I’ve already eaten” she said trying to sound reassuring but Mina didn’t buy it. 

“You didn’t, I observed you.” Dahyun knew Momo Sana and Jihyo observed her while eating dinner for the past few days but wasn’t aware that Mina was one of them too. She took the plate from Mina’s hands and started eating after making space for Mina to sit on the stool. 

“I know you have a hard time” Mina started, taking advantage of Dahyun’s unavailability due to her full mouth. She didn’t want answers; she wanted to say some things to her. Dahyun was grateful she was eating at the moment, as if Mina asked anything she wouldn’t be able to answer and she didn’t want to. 

“Jihyo told me you have some personal issues. I know I’m not ready to listen yet, but I’ve been here for more than a week and I can see everything that happens. You don’t eat breakfast and dinner; you had a whole different mood at practices and on set while when on dorm you’re really sad and gloomy.” She made a pause to look at the Korean who was munching slowly with a featureless expression. It wasn’t like she needed validation; she knew she was right. 

“I can see the girls treating you differently. Like you are too fragile and about to break if they do something wrong. And it only worries me and makes me wonder what they learned to make them so scared. But as I said, it isn’t the time to learn, not yet” she said, mostly reminding it to herself. 

Mina’s observations were on spot. Her presence provided a calm that Dahyun hadn’t felt with any other member. Mina having her own problems to work made Dahyun feel like she could understand her more than anyone else. The calm she felt with Sana was completely different due to her feelings. She continued eating, enjoying the calmness and taking in Mina’s words. 

“I want you to understand that you’re not alone. Stop isolating yourself this much. You’ve been here for the past three nights avoiding everyone. I don’t know what you are trying to achieve, but if it isn’t working stop it” Mina said calmly. Dahyun couldn’t consider Mina’s proposal, though she wasn’t angry about it. 

“I’m trying to do something and I’m still in the process.” She responded as calmly. She had finished with the food; however she hadn’t eaten it all. 

“Does it work?” 

“I don’t know yet. I’m not done.” 

“But it makes you sad, I can see it” Mina’s tone was worried. 

“I can’t explain you more but it’s in the whole process. Being sad is a part of it I can’t avoid” she said calmly although her hands grip on the plate and fork tightened excessively. Mina saw it and took them from her hands immediately, standing and putting them on the desk next to the piano and sitting back on the stool. 

Bottled anger. That’s what Mina saw on Dahyun. She had experienced it, and once upon a time she couldn’t recognize it herself. Working continuesly on getting better, bottled anger was one of the first things she dealt with in the start. That’s how she could see it on Dahyun. She was afraid that everything she'd said to Dahyun led to that and wanted to make sure Dahyun would relax a little. She didn’t know how Dahyun let her steam out, but maybe it was through playing piano as she spent a lot of time there. She'd recommend after telling her one last thing. 

“Look, I’m not trying to intervene. Sometimes we can’t handle everything alone, it’s okay. But know that seeking for help doesn’t make you weak or worthless. The girls might not be the best option though. I didn’t believe it would, but it helped me so much already. It’s okay to ask for help, as long as you want it” Mina concluded. 

Wait a minute? Did Mina just propose to Dahyun to go to a therapist? There was no way Dahyun would do it. She was trying something about herself and there wasn’t a way she would stop it. Plus, there were a lot of things she could try. Going to a therapist wasn’t one of them, but she wasn’t going to tell that to Mina. 

“I’ll have it mind, thanks” she said trying not to sound too nonchalant but Mina knew, she had gone through it herself. Denial it was. 

“Will you play something for me? I have the urge to dance a little” she asked and smiled gently to Dahyun. 

“Any particular song in mind?” 

“What about [ Arabesque ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh36PaE-Pf0) by Debussy?” Mina asked while standing and walking to the center of the room to stretch. 

’Fuck!’ That was the song she had connected with her last good memory. How many were the chances for Mina to ask Dahyun to play it? Mina couldn’t see the panic state Dahyun was in, facing the back of the Korean. Dahyun couldn’t say no to Mina, couldn’t speak at all. It wasn’t a sad piece of music. The problem was the piece being attached to the memory. She started playing the song, not carrying about the other person in the room, immediately getting lost in the memory. 

It was early spring, meaning that it was time to plant. Dahyun was waiting excited in the garden for Nari’s arrival.  
  
“I’m hereeee!” Nari announced once in front of the house. Both running towards each other, they met halfway and dropped to the grown laughing their selves out.  
  
It was one of their favorite activities, planting flowers in Dahyun’s garden. Today was a special day; they would plant lilies, the flower that had started everything.  
  
“Let’s go” Dahyun said standing up and dusting herself, both walking to the shed.  
  
When they first started planting, Dahyun’s father had bought them some equipment, like a spade for each, protection gloves, wellies and gardening aprons.  
  
They both wore them and went out again. Dahyun was holding a paper bag which contained the bulbs to be planted.  
  
“What are they Dahuyn?” Nari asked her excitedly. It was Dahyun’s turn to pick what spieces they plant.  
  
“You’ll have to wait and see” Dahyun said smirking.  
  
“Come on! I can’t wait until August! Please?” she said and pouted. Dahyun sighed. How could she resist her pout?  
  
“They’re called Starlette. Doubled colored leaves, yellow peach tips and maroon petals. I fell in love with them the moment I saw them!” Dahyun exclaimed while kneeling down.  
  
They opened holes on the ground carefully in case there were any insects or worms on the soil. They knew they needed them to keep a balance on the ecosystem of the ground and being careful was the least they could do.  
  
The whole procedure took half an hour. In that span of time they joked with each other and talked about their future plans. It was their last year on elementary school.  
  
“Hey dad” Dahyun greeted her father entering the house. Nari had left some moments ago. After her and Nari completed their task they sat on the patio drinking hot chocolate and continued daydreaming.  
  
“Hi darling” he answered and gave her a kiss on the crown of her head. “How was planting?” he asked fondly.  
  
“It was fun” she said smiling widely. “Actually, I told Nari too, I was thinking how much I love planting that I can see myself having a beautiful big garden and owning a flower shop” she said sheepishly.  
  
“It’s too early to decide about your future princess. If you still want it in the future, I believe it’s a very good option.” he said tenderly and hugged her.  
  
“I’m going to study now. Mr. Lee gave me a new piece and I don’t want to lose any time” she said untangling herself from her father’s embrace and giving him a kiss before leaving to her room.  
  
~  
  
It was the next day when her father got in to her room late morning. It was a Saturday and he wasn’t working. When he entered the room Dahyun was practicing the new piece, Arabesque by Debussy.  
  
“Hey pumpkin, Nari is waiting in the living room. I have a surprise for both of you!” he said smiling widely and enthusiastically.  
  
Once they both were in the living room her father stood in front of the two girls. “So, you both close your eyes and come out on the garden. Don’t peak!!” he exclaimed and got out first.  
  
They both got out without a problem; they knew the place like the back of their hand. Dahyun’s father positioned their bodies so they can face the surprise.  
  
“On my count girls. Three, two one, TADA!” he said excitedly gesturing to the ceiling of the patio.  
  
There, from the transom, was hanging a big wooden placard having written “Dayun’s and Lily’s garden” with a lot of painted flowers embellishing the background.  
  
Both girls were left with their mouths hanging. It was the perfect surprise and gift. With teary eyes they hugged Dahyun’s father with gratefulness.  
  
“Thank dad, it’s perfect” Dahyun said almost spilling some tears, overwhelmed by her dad's gesture.  
  
“Thank you uncle” Nari said in the exact same emotional state as Dahyun.  
  
Such a little gesture giving them so much happiness. And it had only been a day since Dahyun told her father about her dream for the flowershop.  
  


Her comeback from the memory found her in a weird situation. Mina was grabbing her shoulders shaking her lilghtly trying to take her out of her trance. She looked at Mina who was looking back terrified, speaking at her but Dahyun couldn’t hear her. 

“-yun? Dahyun? What happened?” Mina was talking in a higher volume than her regural. That only made Dahyun cry harder. Wait? She was crying? She wasn’t aware she was crying, that must be what made Mina worry. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Mina asked anxiously. Dahyun felt guilty about it. She could feel her sobs nearing her throat. She was crying about placing Mina in that positions and also thinking that this was her last good memory. It was an inevitable break down. Mina tried to wrap her in her hands but Dahyun was shaking too much. Going behind her and wrapping herself all over her back she waited. Minutes past by and the Korean couldn’t calm down, every sob making Mina sadder. 

“How can I help?” Mina asked. Dahyun couldn’t answer, how could she help? 

“Tell me Dahyun, please..” Mina pleaded making Dahyun sob harder, even if that’s possible. Trying to relax a little, she immediately thought about Sana. Only the thought of the Japanese made her relax enough to try and say it to Mina. 

“Sana” she said through her sobs, Mina leaving once she deciphered Dahyun’s saying.

  
  


Mina ran to enter her room finding Momo and Sana on the latter’s bed and Jihyo on her own. All three of them looked at her standing there in shock. 

“What is it Minari?” Momo was the first to talk, getting up from the bed and walking to Mina. 

“Dahyun” she said. Sana tensed immediately and got up too. 

“What happened?” Sana asked softly even though her anxiety was reaching its pick. 

“I don’t know. It’s my fault. I told her that whatever she’s going through she doesn’t have to do it alone and it’s okay to ask for help.” Jihyo and Sana both knew that this wasn’t an advice to give to Dahyun yet, knowing how she reacted when Jihyo had proposed it. Jihyo stood up ready to comfort her but Mina talked first. 

“I saw her anger and didn’t pressure more. I told her to play some piano for me to dance, I thought that this way she would relax. But when she finished she didn’t move and didn’t react on my call. I reached her and she was crying, and I was calling her and she was lost.” Mina’s eyes were glassy as she stopped to take a breath. 

“When she came back she started crying more and when I asked her if I did something wrong she broke down. I asked her how can I help, she said Sana” Mina concluded with some tears leaving her eyes. Sana knew that this was her cue to leave. 

“It’s okay Mina, it’s not your fault” she said reassuringly giving Mina a quick kiss and leaving the room. Momo took Mina to her bed and engulfed her in her arms. 

“If Sana says it’s not your fault then it’s not. Sana knows better than everyone. It’s not your fault” Momo told her brushing her fingers through her hair. She knew it would relax her. Jihyo came back with a bottle of water and sat on the other side of Mina. 

“Sorry Jihyo, I thought I could help” Mina avoided Jihyo’s eyes feeling guilty. 

“No, you did nothing wrong. When she’ll calm down I’m sure she’ll think about what you told her” Jihyo said with certainty. It made Mina relax instantly. 

“How about having a cup of tea?” she asked softly and Mina nodded okay.

  
  


The feeling was bittersweet. That memory made her crave for her father’s affection but she was quick on interrupting it. She had already make amends with the fact that she couldn’t have the same relationship with her parents again. Reliving the memory was hurting her though. Her mind would never forget how being loved from her parents felt. Once she had taken it for granted, but now she knew everything could perish in a moment. 

She felt gentle hands lifting her and guiding her to the next room. Sana was there. She made her sit on her lap and she was quick to lean her head on Sana’s collarbone inhaling her sweet scent of maple and caramel that she loved so much. 

Her sobs had died down, but she was still crying. It was difficult to accept that this was her last good memory. She wanted more. 

Sana gave her time to calm down completely. She knew the drill after all these times she had a crying Dahyun in her arms. Mina’s words gave her some hints, Sana couldn’t decode them though. Dahyun had told her she was trying something to get better but avoided telling her what it was. She had asked her for time and space and Sana gave it to her. She wasn’t sure what had happened the past few nights and this scared her more. Dahyun was kind of happy during practices and when back on dorm she isolated herself. 

“Mina…” Dahyun said once she felt completely calm and a little sleepy. Sana could hear the shame in her voice. 

“She’s with Momo and Jihyo, she’ll be fine” Sana said rubbing circles on her back. 

“I’m sorry” Dahyun said and Sana could feel her tensing in her arms. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry” she said softly yet surely. She didn’t want Dahyun to feel guilty and hoped that Mina was okay. “You can talk to her and tell her you’re okay. Maybe she thinks she was at fault.” 

“I might will” Dahyun said. 

“What are you doing Dahyun?” Sana asked after some moments of silence. Dahyun knew exactly what Sana was asking and wasn’t ready to talk about it. 

“Nothing…” she trailed nonchalantly. Sana didn’t want to pressure her more; she knew it wouldn’t help either of them. She felt frustrated that Dahyun kept things away from her and she wasn’t aware of her emotional state for the last days. Everything indicated that she wasn’t in a good place no matter how good she played her role when out of the dorm. 

“I love your smell” Dahyun mumbled sleepily. She was moments before drifting off. Sana was caught off guard once again, her face becoming red and feeling thankful that Dahyun was almost sleeping and she didn’t have to answer. 

Feeling Sana’s frantic heartbeat, Dahyun smiled weakly before dozing off.

  
  


“Will you eat breakfast?” Sana asked Dahyun who had entered the kitchen to take a bottle of water from the fridge. She seemed to thinking about it a little without looking at Sana, and everyone who was in the kitchen –meaning Momo Sana Jihyo and Nayeon- was waiting for her answer. 

“Only if you feed me” she said winking to Sana and opening up the fridge to take a bottle of water. Sana was a blushing mess again. She thought she would get used to Dahyun’s flirting by time but it seemed impossible. Momo and Jihyo weren’t surprised, where Nayeon was left speechless. 

“Is an apple enough?” Dahyun asked after closing the fridge and walking in front of Sana with a green apple and a bottle of water in each hand. Her expression had nothing with the one she had moments ago, going back to completely genuine and gentle. 

Sana couldn’t answer. She wasn’t sure if Dahyun was messing around or if she meant it. She would like to feed her of course, but under different circumstances, not in the way Dahyun meant it, for teasing. When Sana didn’t answer Dahyun looked at Jihyo tilting her head a little to the side. 

“It’s enough” Jihyo answered smiling softly, Dahyun leaving after, leaving them looking at Sana who was trying to calm down. 

“What was that?” Nayeon asked breaking the silence. 

“I meant to ask you too Sana. What’s with all the flirting?” Jihyo added. Momo giggled making Sana nudge her with her elbow. 

“She flirts when she wants to avoid talking about the serious topics, or when she doesn’t feel okay. I think it cheers her up messing and teasing me” Sana said sheepishly. She didn’t want to admit she liked it as she knew the Korean didn’t mean it. 

“Or she likes you back and you’re too dumb to see it” Momo said smirking. 

“She doesn’t. It’s how I told you” Sana talked back frustrated. Momo enjoyed seeing her like that. 

“Then why is she flirting in dance practice?” Momo moved her eyebrows suggestively. 

“I told you, she likes to tease. Don’t search for something that isn’t there Momo!” Sana was clearly angry, Momo enjoying it more. 

“If Sana says there isn’t more, then there isn’t more” Jihyo said strictly looking to Momo. 

“Thanks Ji” Sana said getting up and leaving the room with a red face from anger this time. 

“What?” Momo asked both of the girls who were staring at her. 

“Why do you pressure her?” Nayeon asked Momo confused. 

“I can’t be the only one that sees the way they act with each other. It’s clear Dahyun has feelings too” she almost whispered. Neither of the girls talked for some minutes. Momo wasn’t sure if they knew or if they were considering her observation. 

“Am I too dumb if I haven’t spotted it?” Nayeon asked with furrowed brows. 

“You’re not. I’m sure Momo knows more already and made the conclusion way before us” Jihyo said raising an eyebrow making Momo look away without saying anything. 

“That’s what I thought” Jihyo said a little sarcastically to tease her. “I’m trying to watch over both of them. That’s how I saw when Dahyun started behaving differently. It’s about two weeks already” Jihyo said smiling. She had seen cute things. Seeing Dahyun flirting was making her happy, not that she would tell them that. 

“Momo, don’t pressure her. Let them find it out themselves.” Nayeon said after considering both of their sayings. 

“Not only that. It’s too early. If they adapt to something else it will be dangerous. Dahyun isn’t well emotionally and the first person she looks for is Sana. I don’t think Dahyun can be in a romantic relationship right now, and if they evolve to one it will only break them” Jihyo said. It was apparent she had thought a lot about before. 

“I hadn’t thought it that way. You’re right I won’t pressure her” Momo told Jihyo as sincerely as she could. She'd never want to see either of her friends hurt or sad. Jihyo was right, the timing wasn’t good. 

“It’s funny seeing Sana blushing flustered” Nayeon said chuckling. 

“Yeah, Dahyun is doing a great job” Momo answered an chuckled too, before Jihyo opening another discussion. 

  
  


With Nayeon Sana and Jihyo in the kitchen, Dahyun found the perfect opportunity to talk alone with Mina. Walking to their room she hoped Mina had already woken up. She opened the door carefully and peaked inside finding Mina scrolling through her phone sideways under the blanket. 

“Do you accept visitors?” she asked teasingly. She knew she didn’t have to ask but leaving the kitchen after teasing Sana, her mood was in a good place. 

“You don’t have to ask” Mina answered and sat up on her bed leaning her back on the headboard. Dahyun walked to her bed and sat at the side of it in front of Mina. 

“How did you sleep?” Dahyun asked. She could see some fatigue on Mina’s face and felt guilty. Was it because of her? 

“It was a weird night but Momo helped me” Mina said shyly. “You?” 

“It was a good night. Sana helped me.” It was Dahyun’s turn to talk shyly. Were they admitting something to each other right there? Dahyun didn’t want to get asked about it so she didn’t ask Mina too. Breaking their gaze Dahyun looked on her lap to gather her thoughts. 

“Look, about last night, it wasn’t your fault. That song means a lot to me and it overwhelmed me and made me too emotional that I couldn’t hold it” Dahyun said and looked at Mina to reassure her. She had told her half the truth. There wasn’t a way she'd tell her what she was doing and how, but at least she didn’t lie. 

“I thought I pushed you too much and felt very guilty. Thank you for telling me” she said smiling her gummy smile to Dahyun. The Korean had missed this smile so much that her heart felt so happy receiving it. 

Dahyun stayed there and ate her apple in silence. It was comforting and Mina didn’t look to mind it. If she could, Dahyun would tell everything to Mina. She was sure she could help her a lot with everything. But it wasn’t the right time, Mina couldn’t listen to her problems, not yet, Dahyun knew that. Maybe sometime in the future they could talk about everything, including their feelings about two certain Japanese girls.

  
  


Sana had asked Dahyun what she was doing but Dahyun, not wanting to reveal anything proposed a deal. Dahyun could do whatever she wanted downstairs but after she would talk with and sleep with Sana. Both sides would be benefitted from this. Dahyun having an easy sleeping time and Sana enjoying having her in her arms. 

The only memories Dahyun had recalled for two straight nights were bad ones. Memories of her fighting with her parents, memories of moments she felt abandoned and alone, memories from home after Nari’s death. There were no more happy ones. Every sad memory left her tired mentally and exhausted from crying or stress. Sana had seen her state but never pressured for answers. 

There was a little less than a week left till the comeback showcase, and Dahyun wanted to get clear from the memories before that. She had some memories in mind she wanted to think as a whole. They were separate but so much connected with each other that she wanted to recall them once and for all. She knew it was going to be the most painful night of all and she kind of avoided it. Maybe tonight could be a good chance if they got back early from Idol Room shooting. 

“I think today will be a very fun day” Chaeyoung said. She was standing at the side of the studio between Dahyun and Tzuyu with everyone else, waiting for the set to get ready. 

“Bet it will. This ‘Idol999’ thingy seems very enjoyable” Dahyun said nonchalantly without turning to look at them. She was focused elsewhere. The other two felt puzzled with her way. Dahyun didn’t wait to talk again. 

“Do you thing Sana maybe likes Momo? Or Jihyo?” she asked simply and expressionless. The two girls quickly followed her gaze to find Momo back hugging Sana and Sana talking sweetly with Jihyo. It wasn’t something out of the ordinary, Sana was touchy with most of the members, and her relationship with Jihyo was a special one too. Tzuyu and Chaeyoung looked to each other dumbfounded. They could tell Dahyun was jealous even though she didn’t let it show. 

“I don’t think so” Tzuyu started but before she could say more Dahyun was faster. 

“Thought so too” she interrupted her. She didn’t know what got her to ask that question but she already had regretted it. 

“Don’t expect me to be all silliness and goofiness today, step up your game and help me” she said pouting and turning to look at them. How could they say no to her pout? 

“We got you bro” Chaeyoung said and bumped her shoulder lightly. 

  
  


For that episode they would try some challenges and get graded for their efforts. The girl with the greatest result would be supposed to debute after 20 years in a group of 999 idols. It was so unrealistic yet so funny. To make the challenges the production had picked some statements or things the members had done and made relevant games to play. 

For Tzuyu it was a ‘catch the floating toast’ as she liked bread too much, with Jeongyeon being the winner. For Jihyo was nitpicking battle losing only to Nayeon. When Dahyun’s turn came, the hosts asked her if it’s true she is the only member not afraid of bugs and insects. The others were fast to confirm it and the show had prepared a video from a month ago where Dahyun helped a host with a bug on his pants while they were on the red carpet. 

Dahyun’s challenge was to transfer five beetles from one container to another with bear hands. ’Easy’ Dahyun thought. To make it more challenging, the hosts suggested for Dahyun to transfer three and two members transfer the other two. After playing rock-paper-scissors with the hosts too, the losers were Sana and Nayeon. Of course they didn’t join her, Nayeon almost crying. 

Everyone was in a circle behind the table with Dahyun in the middle. Taking one beetle in her fingers she tried to tease the members with Nayeon, Jihyo and Sana running quickly far away. Sana stayed on the side with one of the hosts who was afraid too. There wasn’t a chance she'd step closer. She watched Dahyun doing her thing from afar. It was incredible. 

Before everything that had happened, Sana would never think too much about it. But seeing the way Dahyun was calm while picking one beetle after the other, she could see a side of Dahyun she wasn’t aware before. It wasn’t a big deal, but knowing how and why Dahyun was familiar with insects and bugs, knowing what it meant for Dahyun, seeing Dahyun smiling happy through it, it made the whole scene priceless. Sana felt her heart swelling with affection. Falling for Dahyun had never been a choice, and she kept falling harder. 

  
  


After a very long day shooting they were back in the dorm. Mina was there too after spending some hours at the company. She had already made dinner and waited for them to eat together. Having quick showers, everyone was at the table eating before 9. The shooting was fun, and having a good mood Dahyun didn’t skip dinner. Maybe doing what she had in mind was a good option. Maybe having a good mood would help her manage her worst memories easier. 

“I’ll be up by 11” she said to Sana after finishing dinner. She would go down and this was the regular reminder she gave her the last days, usually coming upstairs earlier then the given time. 

“Don’t you dare be late” Sana said teasingly. Dahyun winked at her before leaving the room. It was their thing. 

She didn’t go in the studio. The memories weren’t attached to any song so she headed to the couch room. Sitting on a couch, her mood had shifted slightly, and she hoped it would help control every bad emotion that was going to resurface. 

“So I was thinking we could go to the Namsan Botanical Garden next Sunday” Dahyun said excitedly. They were walking back from school and as they had already visited all the big gardens in Seoul, Dahyun had researched for smaller ones they could visit.  
  
“Yeah.. It’s a good idea” Nari said walking a little on Dahyun’s line.  
  
“Are you okay?” Dahyun said worried seeing here friend a bit disoriented.  
  
“I feel a little tired. And dizzy” Nari said. Dahyun hooked her arm with hers to help her stand. They were almost at Nari’s house.  
  
“Maybe you catching a flu? We’re almost there, you can go sleep and rest” Dahyun told her calmly yet she was more worried than she let show.  
  
Once in front her house, Nari brought her bag from her back and opened it to take out her keys. While searching in the small front pocket , she looked up to Dahyun freezing in place.  
  
Dahyun looked at her, waiting for her to say something, but Nari couldn’t move. Before Dahyun could asked what was wrong, she collapsed.  
  
“Uncle Jin!” Dahyun immediately started ringing the bell and hitting the door while shouting for Nari’s father. She didn’t stop until the door was open.  
  
“She wasn’t feeling good and collapsed just now!” Dahyun said panicked.  
  
“Baby girl, come on” Nari’s father said crouching next to her, giving her light taps on her cheeks. He kept trying to wake her up with no result, Dahyun frozen there not knowing what to do or how to help.  
  
“Eun-ju! Eun-ju!” Nari’s father shouted to the house urgently trying to stay calm though Dahyun could see he was panicked.  
  
“What is-“  
  
“Call an ambulance! NOW!” he interrupted her, the woman leaving immediately to do as she was told.  
  
“It’ll be alright baby, it’s alright” Nari’s father said with his voice breaking and unshed tears on his eyes.  
  
~  
  
‘… was an aneurysm that ruptured…’  
  
‘… is in a coma, no brain activity…’  
  
‘… she’s in life support…’  
  
‘… there wasn’t much we could do…’  
  
‘… sorry for your loss…’  
  
~  
  
“There aren’t enough words to describe how I feel.” Dahyun said gulping. There was a terrible knot in her throat she couldn’t make to get rid of. “It feels like a joke, like a dream. This can’t be reality” she chuckled bitterly. It was difficult yet she felt numb. It hadn’t hit her yet. She was living it but she was far from realizing the extend of the situation.  
  
“I have to tell you goodbye and I don’t know how…" she trailed, taking one of Nari’s hands in both of her own. It was colder then hers. She was sitting on a chair right next to the bed, waiting for an answer, a word that would confirm that everything was just a bad joke. The only answer was the sounds from the machinery that kept Nari alive and the constant beeping of the heart monitor. It was so slow and steady that one would thing she was just sleeping.  
  
“I can’t imagine my life without you Nari…” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “We were supposed to walk together…” She whimpered, some tears escaping her eyes but she didn’t make a move to brush them off. “I hope..” she stopped to take a breath, feeling her throat closing and a sob building in it, leaning her forehead over her hands.  
  
“I hope that afterlife is real, so I can see you again there.” It was the last thing Dahyun spoke before breaking down completely. It didn’t feel real, but it did in the same time. She knew she was in pain but it was a self-act from her brain. She was far from grasping the meaning, from understanding what was happening. She would soon realize it through her everyday life.  
  
She didn’t know how much time had passed when she felt a hand on her shoulder, looking up to see her father. He was in pain too. He didn’t say anything; his look was enough for Dahyun to understand. It was time.  
  
She stood up with every bit of strength that was left in her body and leaned over Nari’s head.  
  
“I love you. I’ll see you again.” She promised whispering in her ear. She hoped she would. Their story had ended too soon.  
  
~  
  
They had just come back from the funeral. Everything felt heavy; their hearts, their moods, the reality. It was unbearable. Dahyun wanted to help and get helped by her parents. But both parties were unable to help each other. The burden felt horrendous. They didn’t talk that day.  
  
~  
  
She was walking on the cold muddy path. The weather was moody as it had rained earlier. ‘Matching my mood’ Dahyun thought.  
  
“I brought you your favorites” she said kneeling down to place a bouquet of five white lilies in front of the gravestone.  
  
She didn’t talk. She stood there, trying not to think and keeping company to her friend. She had a lot to tell her; she wasn’t ready, not yet.  
  
~  
  
It was already a month after her death. She felt lonely. School was difficult. Kids seemed to pity her and it was the last think she wanted. She would go right on time of the bell ringing, and be the first one to leave. On breaktime she would withdraw in bathrooms or hidden spots to be alone.  
  
She wasn’t able to go to the cemetery again, it felt like she'd overstep something if she did. Nari’s parents were avoiding her family, only making her parents more devastated. They were already grieving, this worsening the situation.  
  
“Mom?” she said after entering the house right back from school. She wanted to talk with her, needed someone to support her. She felt like everything had slipped through her hands, like trying to hold a fist of sand just to watch it slide through her fingers. She was lost and didn’t know what to do.  
  
“Not now” her mother said leaving the living room. Dahyun felt her heart ripping a little. She thought she couldn’t feel more pain, but here she was witnessing it deteriorating, wounding her heart piece by piece .  
  
~  
  
It was a Sunday two months after. Earlier in the morning Dahyun had announced to her parents that she wanted to stop her piano lessons.  
  
To her surprise, they didn’t deny her will. She was ready to give a battle, she was sure they would oppose it. Their response was nothing but opposing. It was just an okay.  
  
She'd expected a fight. She should be happy they didn’t fight her. However, it made her disappointed and even more hurt, and a new feeling of neglect started rising in her heart that day.  
  
She was walking down the stairs to join them for dinner.  
  
“.. they’ll never talk to us again.” It was her dad’s voice. She stopped right before the opening to the kitchen door, hiding by the door frame.  
  
“I called Eun-ju and she didn’t answer. I thought they needed time but it seems it’s not that.”  
  
“I know. Jin doesn’t pick my calls either.”  
  
"I hope it'll get better by time..."  
  
“No, it won’t.” Dahyun’s father said definitely.  
  
“Don’t say that Jun-ho…” Dahyun’s mother said, mostly trying to convince herself unsuccessfully, leaving a choked sob.  
  
“They’ll never look to our family and feel happy. Their daughter is gone, their family is broken noe. They will always think about that whenever they see us or Dahyun.”  
  
Dahyun left quietly to her room. It wasn’t like her parents had accused her, but it felt like it. She hoped for support from them, she had sought it for the past two months.  
  
Now she knew. Her parents were too broken to help her. In all this madness she had lost herself, her parents had lost themselves too. She was mad at them but she wasn’t at the same time.  
  
They had to deal with Nari’s death and the two closest people to them since forever breaking their bond and leaving them.  
  
No matter how much she cared about her parents, after everything she was sure for one thing now.  
  
She was alone.  
  


Her previous good mood didn’t help at all. The pain was back. It was the pain she hadn’t felt for weeks. How fool of her to think that it wouldn’t hurt that much. The room felt too small, she felt like she was drowning and the walls were moving towards her. These feeling she didn’t want to feel. This life she wished she could change. Who was she mocking? It would never get better. There was only one way she knew to get some relief. 

  
  


“Hey,” Sana said entering the room. 

“Hey unnie,” Chaeyoung greeted her. 

“Where’s Dahyun?” Sana asked frustrated. It was 11:10 and she thought Dahyun just forgot to text her she was up. 

“She hasn’t come yet,” Tzuyu said simply. Sana wasn’t sure if she should panic or stay calm. 

“Okay, I’ll go get her.” Sana said leaving the room and heading downstairs. Sana was worried. Dahyun was never out of time, she always came upstairs earlier than 11. Maybe Dahyun had lost track of time, it shouldn’t mean that something was wrong, right? Sana opened the studio door only to find it empty. ‘Weird’ she thought. Dahyun was always there. Closing the door she entered the next one, sure that Dahyun was there. Once she closed the door and turned around, she froze on spot. 

There she was, Dahyun, sitting on the couch with her knees on her chest, her gaze focused on the coffee table, her trembling arms hugging her legs. Her eyes were lifeless, her whole demeanor shouting hurt and pain. On the coffee table was placed an opened first-aid kit, with scissors, gazes and disinfectant out of it, not used yet. 

Sana knew what this meant. It was obvious. She didn’t know what exactly to do. She wasn’t aware what had triggered all of this. Dahyun seemed lost. She walked over to the couch, sitting right next to Dahyun. She wasn’t sure if she should talk or wait. She decided to place an arm on Dahyun’s knees. 

“Don’t touch me!” Dahyun hissed shoving her hand immediately, standing up and flying to the other side of the room in an instant. Sana was shocked. She had to act carefully. Standing up, she slowly walked towards her, aware to everything the Korean would do or say. 

“It’s okay.” Sana said walking closer in a slow steady pace. 

“Stay away Sana!” Dahyun warned her but Sana didn’t falter. 

“It’s just me Dahyunnie.” Sana said lifting her hands in the air defensively, like she was trying to tame a wild animal. She was closer. 

“Stay away.” Dahyun said again, her anger deflated and her gaze disoriented, looking through the room unfocused. Sana could see every little change happening. 

“It’s okay Dahyunnie.” She said calmly like she was talking to a little puppy now. Dahyun didn’t move away, her back leaning on the wall. 

“It’s okay, I’m here” Sana said standing just one step away from her, her arms opening to a waiting hug. Dahyun knew if she found herself in Sana’s arms she'd break down. That's what she wanted to avoid, that's why she acted like this. However, she knew she didn't have that choice. 

“I’m here.” Sana said gently while taking the last step, Dahyun leaning in front to meet her halfway, with Sana engulfing her in her arms with all the security she could offer, like holding a crying toddler that just fell and scratched its knee. And that was it. Dahyun broke down immediately, tears filling her eyes, little whimpers gradually becoming sobs that caught her breath. And Dahyun cried. She cried for all this pain, for all these bad memories she hadn’t thought for years, for her friend leaving unexpectedly, for her parents losing Nari too, for her parents losing their best friends, for her parents not being capable to support her, for herself for being so selfless she couldn’t hold a grudge to them for not helping her, for forgiving them in that moment knowing how much it hurt them too. She cried for everything, images jumping through her mind. Pianos, flowers, hospital, funeral, loneliness in her room, loneliness at school, looking at the piano and not wanting to play again. Would she ever get over everything? It seemed impossible. 

Her head hurt from the overflowing emotions and thoughts. She stopped thinking and tried to distract herself, still crying. She tried to focus on the heartbeat her ear could hear. She was lying sideways with her head on Sana’s chest, Sana lying sideways too, holding her tight on her body. When had Sana moved them to the couch? How much time had passed? 

She focused on Sana’s pulse, synchronizing her breath with it in a steady slow pattern to calm down. It took some time. She wasn’t sure if Sana was awake or not. She didn’t want to talk about it. Once she was calm enough she felt Sana’s hand brushing her hair, shivers suddenly covering her body. She didn’t move, enjoying the calming sensation. It was the best place to be, Sana’s arms. It was distracting, she loved it. 

“Dahyun...” Sana trailed and Dahyun knew the seriousness of it due to the lack of honorifics. She took some moments to compose her face; she didn’t want to show weakness or pain. Lifting her head from Sana’s chest and positioning it in front of Sana’s, she hoped she'd achieved masking her feelings. But Sana’s look was worried, her eyes looking back at her completely agonizing and afraid. Dahyun could see everything that was happening in Sana’s mind through them. Sana’s eyes were perfect, she didn’t like seeing them like that. Dahyun didn’t know what to tell her. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t sure she would ever be. 

“How can I help you?” Sana asked carefully as if she knew what Dahyun was thinking. Dahyun stared at her. Her eyes expressing affection and love, and caring, and worry. She focused on Sana’s features to avoid her own thoughts. Sana was really beautiful. She had never had the chance to observe her from that close. Her eyes were so expressive, almond shaped with a warm brown colour, sometimes looking dangerous like a predator ready to hunt it's pray and sometimes as innocent as a toddler, her nose a flawless straight, her cheeks so puffy and perfect to pinch as much as Sana hated them, her mouth so kissable-. 

This would change everything. She knew it. She couldn’t think anything else. She wanted it. No matter the consequences. 

“Kiss me.”


	14. Kissing game

“Kiss me.” 

They stare at each other. When Sana asked how she can help she didn't have that action in mind at the slightest. It’s something she’s been longing more than three years, and she finally hears it. She’s not sure how to act though. She never expected it to happen this way. 

Dahyun waits, staring at Sana, locking eyes with her. Her gaze betrays nothing, its empty, waiting for the older either to accept or reject her. And Sana stares back with the same blank expression, searching in Dahyun’s eyes for an escape finding none. 

Sana closes the distance to her face slowly, hesitantly. She can feel Sana’s breathe on her skin but her lips don’t land on hers, they land on her forehead, placing a lasting kiss. 

She closes her eyes feeling something crushing on her chest. What was she thinking asking something like that? It was wrong. She knew Sana didn’t see her that way, so taking something from her in such a manner was offensive towards Sana. It hurts. The rejection hurts. She’s disappointed to herself for trying to take advantage of their friendship in such a way. Sana had been there all this time and here comes Dahyun to disrespect her with her unthinkable and unethical proposal. 

She keeps her eyes closed in an attempt to control all the bad feelings. She doesn’t want to cry over this, Sana doesn’t deserve it and it will only make her feel bad for denying her. 

Sana’s lips leave her forehead. She starts peppering kisses all over her face, small gentle ones that overflow affection and love. It’s friendship love, Dahyun knows. And at this point it’s okay, she knows Sana isn’t angry on her. She still keeps her eyes closed enjoying the little kisses as much as she can. And then Sana stops. Dahyun doesn’t dare to open her eyes, although when there isn’t any movement from the other person she’s left with no other option. 

Sana stares at her calmly, her previous frustration all gone, making Dahyun anxious. What is happening? She leans in again, stopping when her nose touches Dahyun’s. 

“If this is your first kiss, I hope you’re sure you want it this way” she whispers. Dahyun wouldn’t want it any other way. At least that’s what her mind tells her. 

“Kiss me Sana” she says firmly. Everything indicates that Sana will, but a part of her is afraid of the rejection. She won’t be sure until it happens. 

And she waits. Because it was her who asked about it and if Sana wants to back out Dahyun will accept it. She waits for Sana to decide. 

Sana leans in all the way, soft lips touching each other’s. She doesn’t move, giving Dahyun time to comprehend the feeling. 

It isn’t an explosion, Dahyun doesn’t see fireworks. But it feels right. Her heart increases her beats fast. Slowly Sana starts moving her lips, giving time to Dahyun to follow her movements and adjust her mouth with hers. It feels beautiful. It makes shivers run through her body. 

Dahyun grabs Sana’s shirt in her fists to hold her closer, tangling one foot between Sana’s and one on top of them. She wants to feel Sana’s body as close as possible. Sana places her arm under Dahyun's head for a comfier position, her other hand cupping Dahyun’s free cheek. It gets more comfortable for both. 

Dahyun doesn’t try to take the lead, she leaves Sana to guide her. Sana nibbles gently her upper lip, causing new shivers through. It’s easy, it feels perfect and all her focus is on the kiss, no more space for bad thoughts. 

Sana’s lips taste like cherries, she hadn’t expected that. Maybe it’s the chapstick Sana uses, Dahyun doesn’t know for sure. If this is heaven, she doesn’t care dying right now and spending eternity in Sana’s arms. 

Sana tilts her head to a better position, nipping and pulling Dahyun’s lower lip, causing a gasp from the younger one. She thought Dahyun would get the message but it’s okay she doesn’t, it’s her first kiss. So she licks her lips, asking for permission. 

Dahyun is on auto pilot, her body reacting on its own at Sana’s doings. The lick on her lips reaches somewhere deeper making her moan and open her mouth, giving Sana the desired entrance. And Sana deepens the kiss. 

She isn’t quite sure how to react, her tongue moving awkwardly fighting Sana’s, like the first time you try to blow up a balloon and your tongue gets in the middle. 

Still, Sana gives her time to get used to the feeling of her tongue licking her mouth, the roof of it and the sides. At the start, everything Sana could taste was salt from Dahyun’s dried tears, but now she can taste vanilla, as expected knowing Dahyun’s lip balm. She had dreamed about that flavor on Dahyun’s lips, she expected it to taste wonderful, but reality was better than her imagination. 

They don’t fight for dominance; Dahyun follows Sana’s movements like a good student, enjoying this new feeling. She can’t place it next to anything she has felt before, it’s perfect, and it makes her feel whole. It makes her feel in love, like everything she has spent with the Japanese was meant to end up right in this moment. 

Wait! Was she in love with Sana? She thought she was crushing on her, developing feelings slowly. If she was in love with Sana how would the future mold after this kiss? How can she handle having her only as a friend? 

Sana feels Dahyun’s movements slowing down and knows she’s distracted from something, probably her own thoughts. She knows the kiss was more than enough and takes the decision to break it. 

Dahyun stares and Sana waits. She hadn’t understand that her thoughts drifted off and wasn’t ready to lose contact. She wants more. She stares at Sana’s lips. 

“Can I kiss you Sana?” It’s clearly a different situation. Before she had asked Sana to kiss her. Now she asks for permission to initiate the contact, to lead the way their lips will dance; if Sana allows it. 

Sana takes a moment to think about it. The whole kiss was perfect for her. All this time she had been craving about it was worth it. In all these ecstatic feelings there’s a small voice telling her it’s wrong, that the younger one doesn’t feel like she feels, that she has to stop. She chooses to ignore it. If this is her only chance, she will make the most out of it. 

“Kiss me Dahyun.” She repeats the younger’s words as firmly as the Korean had spoken them. 

Dahyun doesn’t waste time, untangling her body from Sana’s with the Japanese understanding immediately what the younger wanted. They end up with Dahyun towering over Sana with her body between Sana’s legs and her face mere inches from Sana’s, supporting herself with her forearms in each side of her head. 

The kiss starts gentle; it takes just a few seconds for Dahyun to deepen it shoving her tongue in Sana’s mouth. She angles her head in a better position, leaving no space for air for either of them. She has the lead from the start and Sana lets her be the lead dancer on this waltz. 

Sana knows they both want more, little moans escaping each, the moment being so heated that neither minds them. She places her hands on Dahyun’s shoulder blades running them throughout her back but she wants more. Carefully though urgently she pushes Dahyun’s upper body towards hers, and Dahyun follows given the permission. 

Sana loves the way Dahyun’s body weight pushes and secures her in place. She hugs tightly Dahyun, slowly putting her hands under the Korean’s shirt, resting them on the bare skin of her back. She loves the feeling of her goosebumps on the pads of her fingers, loving the effect she has on the Korean running her fingers up and down her spine and back. 

They lose time kissing each other, making out on the couch without overstepping the obvious limits. It started with a gentle kiss and ended up in a heated, hungry make out. 

Dahyun breaks the kiss resting her forehead on Sana’s with her eyes closed, both panting out of breath. They don’t know it but they feel the same. The only negative emotion is provoked from the thought that the other doesn’t reciprocates the feelings. 

Once her breathe is even she leans in again, giving a gentle short kiss on Sana’s lips. She isn’t sure why she’s doing in it, maybe as a thank you, but it feels right and Sana reciprocates. She gives some last little pecks, not wanting this to end but she knows it has to. 

Once she’s done she looks at Sana who remains closed eyed with a calm expression on her face. She readjusts her body on top of Sana’s placing her head over her chest and closes her eyes. There’s not a bad thought on her mind, all her previous horrible emotions long gone and forgotten. She feels serene and secure in Sana’s arms. 

It’s not a lot later when she dozes off, having been lulled to sleep from Sana’s touch brushing her hair softly. 

Sana, who’s afraid she won’t be able to sleep soon. Sana who feels the ghost of the Korean’s lips on her own. Sana who went down to meet Dahyun only to find her in a position she hoped she would never be again. 

“Sana? Is everything alright?” Jihyo is on the door whispering. All this time Sana was staring at the ceiling. Afraid that in the instance she’ll meet Jihyo’s eyes the leader will see her emotions, she just whispers a ‘yeah’. 

Jihyo walks through the room and a little after she’s placing a blanket over the two. Sana can feel her inspecting her face but is too afraid to look back. Either Jihyo knows something happened due to her swollen lips or not, she can’t tell. She’ll face it later.

  
  


“Stop!” the instructor calls and the music stops. “Dahyun, a word?” It’s not like Dahyun doesn’t know what’s wrong. It’s the final day before the showcase and they have to be perfect. She knows she isn’t focused and although her moves aren’t wrong they lack accuracy and sharpness. She walks to the side to have a private moment with the instructor. 

“What’s wrong?” the instructor asks her. How can she tell her that all she can think is Sana for the past few days? 

“I can’t focus, I’m really sorry.” She says avoiding her eyes. 

“Your job is to be here mentally and giving your best. You can’t be absentminded one day before the showcase.” She tells her not quite strictly but her words hold a gravity that makes Dahyun feel embarrassed. She knows the instructor is right and there isn’t any excuse for presenting herself like this on such an important day. 

“I’ll try my best.” She says meeting the instructors’ eyes with red cheeks from shame. It’s the first time she’s been scolded for unprofessionalism in her career. 

“Look, we’ve been working together a lot of years, I know it’s not like you being unfocused. You’re human after all, not a robot. But today is not the day to be like that. So please figure it out so we can go on with the schedule.” She says and Dahyun gives a small smile and bows for an apology. 

“Okay,” the instructor says and claps her hands, turning to address the rest of the group. “Take an hour to have lunch and change to the clothes you want for the practice video. We will shoot it first after the break,” she says, while the other instructor collects some of their personal things and they walk out of the room. 

Dahyun is too ashamed to look at her groupmates and focuses on collecting her own things to leave the studio. She can hear the chatting from the other members and her only wish is to vanish from the room. 

“Let’s go.” Jihyo tells her extending an arm for her. She’s hesitant to comply with Jihyo’s request but knows no one is going to act against the leader's saying. With no escape left, Dahyun finds herself sitting in the cafeteria with Jihyo on a table at the far back, the rest of the girls sitting in tables far from hearing distance. 

“Eat your food.” Jihyo tells her softly. Sometimes it gets to her nerves that they speak to her like she’s going to break in any moment. Deep inside she knows they do it because they care though. It’s not like Jihyo will let her skip the meal, so she picks her fork with no desire at all and eats nonchalantly her salad. 

“What’s wrong?” Jihyo asks. 

“Nothing important.” Dahyun answers cursing internally for rushing to answer. With the right answers she can avoid Jihyo, and this wasn’t a smart one. 

“If it makes you unfocused it is important.” Jihyo states before taking a bite from her meal staring at Dahyun. There’s no way Dahyun will admit to Jihyo that she realized she’s in love with Sana. Since the night of the kiss it’s all she can think. Her mood had been steady, not sad but not happy either. 

She’s been contemplating ways to get rid of her feelings about the Japanese with no result. Having that in mind she doesn’t intent to trust her secret to anyone, it will only make it harder to dump them. So she decides to talk about something that's been eating her mind since that night. 

“I think I disrespected a friendship of mine,” she says focusing on her salad. Feeling guilty is what made her avoid Sana after their kiss. Her face didn’t betray awkwardness towards Sana’s and vice versa. She isn't sure why Sana is avoiding her and her mind is sure the possibility is Sana feeling used. If she could turn time back she wouldn’t have asked for the kiss, no matter how much she felt. 

“In what way?” Jihyo asks carefully. She speculates what the Korean means and doesn’t agree at all. It takes two to be intimate. 

“Let’s say I took advantage of the person’s fondness.” She says with a small voice. 

“Taking advantage how? Persuading the person? Manipulating their feelings?” Jihyo asks with a neutral voice. It’s a tough question and she doesn’t want to come through accusative. 

“No! Of course not! I asked for something and she did it!” Dahyun answers panicked. She hadn’t thought it that way, and if Jihyo is right the guilt will end her mindset. 

“Relax! I’m not accusing you. I’m trying to understand with the little info you give me. I’m sorry.” Jihyo says extending one arm to hold Dahyun’s free one. 

“Why do you say you took advantage if you asked and she agreed?” Jihyo questions. 

“Because my emotional state was really bad and maybe she thought I wouldn’t react well if she denied.” Dahyun says looking at Jihyo to take her reaction. She wants to know if she’s thinking right or not. 

“Did that thought cross your mind when you asked? That she will agree because you weren’t okay?” Jihyo retracts her hand. 

“No. She asked me how she can help me. And I thought about it, I knew it wasn’t right, what I was going to ask but I still asked about it. I didn’t think whether she’ll say yes or no.” Dahyun admits, confusing Jihyo. Is she right on what she speculates? Did they kiss? Or Dahyun is talking for something completely different? 

“So, to be clear, you asked for something and she agreed.” 

“Yes.” 

“And you didn’t think you were taking advantage of her at the moment, only after.” 

“True.” 

“And you didn’t need to persuade her, she agreed on her own.” 

“Yes.” 

“But you think she only agreed because you were hurt and didn’t want to, let’s say, hurt you more by denying.” 

“Yes.” 

“Well, whatever you say, I don’t believe there’s at least one person in our dorm that would do something without their will, no matter the state of the other. No advantage taken.” Jihyo concludes firmly. 

“But…” Dahyun isn’t sure. She will have to work it out but what Jihyo says seems valid. 

“But…? You said that it wasn’t right but you still asked. Maybe your guilt rises from there.” Jihyo says taking a bite, living time to the younger to talk. 

“She avoids me...” Dahyun trails and yes, now Jihyo is sure of what happened. 

“Do you avoid her too?” she asks. 

“Kinda.” 

“Why?” Jihyo munches another bite. It helps her mask her frustration about what she knows. 

“I might have figured out something I wish I hadn't.” It’s funny how Dahyun thinks that the way she talks about it shields the meaning behind her words, when Jihyo knows exactly what she means. And that’s why she avoids answering to what Dahyun just told her. If Dahyun isn’t ready to admit her feelings about Sana, who is Jihyo to force her? 

“Don’t let it eat you up. Give her time and she’ll talk when she’s ready” she tells her with a reassuring smile, making her feel better. At this point they both know who is her but there’s no point on addressing it. 

The rest of the break with Jihyo passes by pleasantly, with small talk about their schedule and their Japanese album. It’s what helps Dahyun relax and be efficient for the rest of the day. 

  
  


55, 54, 53, 52, 51… Dahyun observes the countdown on the microwave. She’s warming some leftovers from last night’s dinner to eat as breakfast. It’s showcase day and her nervousness woke her up an hour prior to her alarm. It’s not like her to get anxious about a comeback though she knows the reason behind it is the acknowledgment that everything has changed for her. 

“Why are you up this early?” Sana interrupts her thoughts proping her elbow on the counter to support her head looking at her. In order to test the waters, Dahyun remains calm. 

“I’m nervous and woke up sooner than planned” she says simply. “You?” Dahyun opens the now finished microwave and takes out the plate of food, placing it in front of her. “Wanna share?” she asks looking at Sana without registering she hasn't answer her previous question. She catches a glimpse of Sana’s expression before it changes from neutral to a suggestive one. 

“Only if you feed me” Sana says smirking. It’s moments like this that Dahyun is amazed by Sana’s duality. She’s not sure if it’s payback time again, agreeing is the only think she can think. She has missed too much the way Sana’s flirting makes her feel to skip it. 

“Okay. First bite’s mine.” she says and stirs a little the fried rice on the plate with her chopsticks. 

“So…” Sana watches as she takes her first bite. “Why are you nervous?” she asks and opens her mouth waiting for her turn. 

“I don’t know how to explain it.” She picks a portion with the chopsticks and guides it to Sana’s mouth with her free hand hovering under the other in case any rice slips. “This time feels different” she concludes retrieving the chopsticks from Sana’s mouth. She’s glad that Sana keeps a neutral expression compared to the one she sported moments before. 

“Even though it may be different, it doesn't have to make you nervous.” Dahyun isn’t sure how to answer, so she takes her time eating and feeding Sana taking turns until she finds an answer, and Sana lets her. 

“I can’t control it Sana” she says while focusing on giving Sana the last bite. “How can I stop it…” she mumbles rhetorically. 

“I can help you” Sana says after gulping the bite. She leans closer to Dahyun’s face focusing on her mouth. Dahyun gulps nervously, Sana changing their game too fast for her to react. She waits and Sana takes a napkin to clear her mouth thoroughly. She’s too close to stay calm. The moment Sana’s done with cleaning her she picks up the plate and walks to the sink. 

“I can help you relax” Sana whispers in her ear with her lips brushing it, making her shiver. She knows Sana is standing behind her, not too close, clearly giving her the freedom to choose. Deep inside she knows it’s wrong, but right now her desire overtakes her. 

She washes clean the dish and places it on the plate rack. Sana is still there, and Dahyun leans behind a little, Sana places her hands on her waist and pulls, making their bodies flat. Sana gives small kisses on her neck, slowly moving under her ear, and Dahyun leans back her head resting it on Sana’s shoulder, making more skin available. 

Sana works her way through every possible area, loving the way the Korean’s body melts in her arms when she kisses a weak spot. She insists on one, biting it gently trying desperately to not leave a mark. She loves the tiny sounds that escape Dahyun’s mouth and wants to hear more. 

Dahyun though knows that if she doesn’t do something her tiny moans will get louder, so she turns around finding Sana’s lips immediately. Sana steps a little in front securing Dahyun between her body and the counter. 

It’s a kiss that leads to another make out session. It’s better than the first, with tongues already knowing how to waltz and hands roaming on each other’s body without overstepping any boundary. Right or wrong, it feels like the best way to relax and let the nervousness go away. 

  
  


The moment she steps on stage all her anxiousness disappears. It’s what she’s being waiting all these days. Maybe Sana’s kiss this morning helped more than she wants to admit. Right now all she wants is to enjoy the showcase and treasure the happy feelings she’ll get from it and use them to fuel her mood through the schedule. 

When the time to perform ‘Feel Special’ comes Jihyo doesn’t participate due to neck pain and sits on a chair at the side. She’s trying to stay focused on the audience but she can’t help glancing at her members performing. 

It’s during Mina’s part performed by Chaeyoung that she focuses a little longer on them, only to see Sana winking at Dahyun in a part of the choreo where they’re facing each other. She tries to remain calm to not give out her frustration. The situation beside the two has been drilling her mind. 

She had in mind to talk with Sana, only their busy schedules and having a lot in her mind didn’t leave her time to do so. Now isn't the right time to think about it though, so she turns her focus on the audience placing a smile on her face, always professional. 

  
  


“Are you okay?” Sana asks worryingly as she closes the door. Dahyun had texted her a simple ‘come downstairs’ only making her anxious and wondering if anything bad happened. 

“You don’t get to tease me on stage and expect no reaction” Dahyun says pushing her instantly on the door, trapping her with her body, her mouth on her neck leaving small kisses. 

It takes some seconds for Sana to understand what is happening. Once she’s aware that her initial worry is baseless she feels the tension leaving her body. 

“If that’s what I get for teasing, I should do it more” she says suggestively, placing her arms on Dahyun’s shoulders and tying them behind her head. On the contrary Dahyun, who was leaving kisses on her jaw trailing a path towards her lips, freezes in place. Does Sana wants as much as her? Is there any possibility that Sana likes her back? 

“Dahyunie?” Sana feels her stiffened body and can’t figure out the cause. It’s not like she said anything she shouldn’t. Dahyun breaks contact and walks to sit on a couch. Everything that’s happening is new for both and it doesn’t feel like the right time to talk about her feelings to Sana, not that she believes she ever will. Sana sits next to her and waits. 

“I should leave” Sana readies herself to get up after some minutes in silence when Dahyun grabs her hand to keep her there. 

“No” she simply says. 

“Then talk to me” Sana pleads with eyes full of worry. 

“Can I do it tomorrow?” she says with her whole demeanor changed suddenly, straddling Sana’s thighs and getting closer to her face. Sana had heard a lot about her duality for going from cute to sexy in an eye blink, but right now she thinks Dahyun takes the gold medal for her duality. 

“Promise?” Sana whispers with their lips barely touching. It’s not like she can deny while being in this position, neither does she wants to. 

“Promise” Dahyun reassures her before crushing her lips on Sana’s. And once again, they waltz.

  
  


They build a routine around that. In the daylight they remain the same as before, fulfilling their obligations and being responsible. At night they make out on the couch and talk about their day, watching their performance videos and commenting on what can be improved. Whatever happens behind the closed door of the basement stays between them. 

It isn’t difficult for Dahyun; she knows how to put a ‘mask’ on her face better than anyone. For Sana it’s harder with the rest of the members aware of her feelings for Dahyun, she only has to hide the shift between their relationship. It isn’t that hard when Dahyun keeps her façade on. No one spots a difference, expect for one that’s aware of the situation; Jihyo. 

Jihyo isn’t sure what to do. If Dahyun hadn’t told her that she felt guilty she wouldn’t mind at all. Sure, there are a lot of parameters to think when a relationship happens in a group that she couldn’t overanalyze during such a tight schedule. However her worry was focused on the nature of their relationship and how they handle it. Were they honest about their feelings or they walked on a rope of hidden emotions? 

True to her word, Dahyun sends a [gif](https://twitter.com/gimbapsana/status/1178275527330689029?s=19) of her slutdrop the night of the 29th. The performance was successful with a lot of fans on the audience. On the first week of promotions they weren’t eligible to compete for the win so it was simply performing and going back home after the music program would end. 

Once she’s done with showering and her night routine she heads to the kitchen to drink and get a bottle of water before heading downstairs. Trying to be subtle she observes Momo and Mina cuddling on a couch on the living room watching their performance on the TV. Momo makes comments about it making Mina giggle or chuckle. The sight makes her compare her situation with them subconsciously. 

About Mina’s feelings for Momo she’s sure. About Momo’s she isn’t. Until one month before she wouldn’t pay attention to things like that. Now she does though. And the way Momo talks to Mina, the way she behaves around her, the way she takes care of her, the way she makes sure to spend time with her no matter how tired she’s after their demanding schedule only indicates that there are feelings on both sides. And that’s where she stops the comparison. Sana doesn’t have feelings for her; it’s meaningless to make comparisons. 

Shaking her head to get rid of these thoughts she walks downstairs, contemplating which room to enter. She hasn’t been on the studio since before the night of the kiss and she really wants to play some piano. She enters the room with the fleeting thought of texting Sana where she is but it's meaningless as Sana will find her any way. 

With hands hovering over the ivory keys her heartbeat increases and a wave of anxiousness floods her body. Last time she was there was a week ago and after that night she hasn’t think anything related to her parents. Today was different, she couldn’t avoid it. Playing some random chords until she decides what to play, her minds drifts a little. He texted her today. Why today? And why did he tell her that they’ll talk after her promotions? 

She doesn’t want to get lost in her thoughts so she stops thinking about him and starts playing a sad rendition of ‘Feel Special’. She focuses on the music and the way she can tame the sound the keys will provide. It’s something that a musician learns through practice, she doesn’t need to focus on it. It’s become an instinct, how much pressure to put or in what way to press the keys to receive the desired sound, but right now she needs a distraction from her mind and this is a good one. 

For the first time, she hears Sana entering the studio by the clicking of the door. She expected Sana to approach her but it seems she won’t immediately, so Dahyun continues playing the song. Sana sits on the floor not crossing the room enjoying the music. It’s the first time she listens to this version the Korean plays and doesn’t want to interrupt. Once the song ends she walks behind Dahyun resting her chin on her left shoulder making their cheeks flat and wrapping her hands around her midsection. Dahyun keeps playing random chords and melodies. 

“What’s on your mind?” She knows something must be wrong. The last time Dahyun played sad versions of their songs she was about to trust her with her problems. 

“Nothing” Dahyun says after stopping, turning her head to place a kiss on Sana’s jaw. 

“Dahyun…” She knows her tactics, trying to distract her to avoid talking but she won’t let it pass tonight. “Not before we talk” she says creating a little distance between their heads. 

“I’m trying not to think about it” Dahyun tells her looking at the piano keys. Debating on playing again or not she decides the later; she doesn’t want to disrespect Sana by any means. 

“And it clearly doesn’t help you” Sana states making her release a deep sigh. 

“My brother texted me earlier…” she says and Sana feels her shoulders tensing and then relaxing and then tensing again. Whatever happens in Dahyun’s mind she can feel it through her body. 

“Isn’t that good…?” she trails. She thought the relationship with her brother was good. 

“I don’t know” Dahyun shrugs her shoulders. “He told me he wants to talk to me after the promotions about something important.” 

“What do you think it’s about?” 

“No idea” she shrugs her shoulders again. 

“Maybe he wants to come over to see you” Sana speculates. 

“Nah, it’s not like him. I just don’t get why he texted me that, like he wants to prepare me for something? I’m sure.” 

“It doesn’t mean it’s something bad. He knows we promote. He may doesn’t want to distract you from your job.” Sana says encouragingly. 

“No, if it was something happy he wouldn’t wait until the promotions end. If it’s happy there’s no reason to wait” Dahyun states firmly. 

“Don’t overthink it. He probably texted you because he’s excited and can’t wait to tell you” Sana tries to persuade her to no avail. 

“We’ll see” she says sharply. Her gut tells her that it’s not for good so there’s no reason to debate about it with Sana. 

“You still haven’t told me what happened…” Sana takes the opportunity to talk about the things Dahyun has been avoiding talking about. Silence is her answer. “You promised…” Sana hadn’t intended to play this card but her worry about the Korean overcomes her. 

”You might get mad if I tell you.” Dahyun tells her a bit taken aback. She knows she promised to tell Sana and she’s not one to break her promise. She just hoped Sana had forgotten about it. 

“I won’t, I promise” Sana says. At least she’ll try. Dahyun gets up and they walked to the next room to be more comfortable sitting on a couch with Dahyun’s head on Sana’s lap. 

“I had this procedure in mind, thinking memories about my parents and reliving them to get through them and let go eventually” she says looking up at Sana who sports a neutral expression. ’So far so good’ she things. 

“Does or did it work?” 

“I don’t know. My last time doing that was the night you found me here a week ago. They were the last memories I had and after that night I didn’t thought about it until Muyngsoo texted.” 

“What’s the procedure?” Sana asks feeling intrigued about it. 

“I play the memory in my head and let the feelings overflow me. Some were attached to music, so for them I played the piano in the process. Mostly the happy ones” 

"That's what happen with Mina?” 

“Yes it was a happy memory. Ironically it was the last happy one and I couldn’t believe in my ears when Mina asked about the specific piece!” 

“And the night I found you?” Sana doesn’t want to invade, she’ll take whatever Dahyun is willing to share. 

“That night I thought about the worst ones.” She can feel her eyes getting teary and closes them without shifting her position. Sana lightly combs her hair to help her relax. 

“So how are you now?” she asks. She won’t pry. 

“Not bad but not good either. Somewhere in the middle. It helps that we see our fans very often and it makes me feel good. There’s this side though, when we leave the set that I feel a disturbance and a melancholy, and I manage to even it with the happiness I received through the day. I just don’t like this uneasiness I feel” she concludes. 

“Are there any thoughts? Or is it only feelings?” Sana still remembers her words about depression and how it’s a constant situation. 

“No thoughts. Not at all. I don’t think about my parents or anything from the past.. It’s an emotional situation I don’t control.” At this point Dahyun doesn’t know what else she can tell. It’s not like she can analyze it more. 

“How can I help you?” 

“I don’t want to talk more about it, I’m sorry” Dahyun says silently. 

“It’s okay if you don’t” Sana says calmly. They spend some moments in silence before Dahyun breaks it. 

“You didn’t reply to my gif” she says smirking and lifting her head from Sana's lap. 

“What can I say? It left me speechless!” Sana says feigning shock. 

“Well” Dahyun looks at her placing her hands on her shoulders and pushing her to lay flat on the couch “Did you like it?” she crawls through the couch until she’s hovering on top of her. 

“Not at all” Sana replies suggestively and grabs the front of her shirt to pull her down. The kiss that she places on Dahyun lips is gentle in contrast to her previous harsh movements. Dahyun can feel that something between them is changing. Now isn’t the time to analyze so she pushes it to the back of her mind for another time. 

  
  


“Morning babe” Dahyun feels Sana back hugging her and placing a kiss on her neck. The pet name makes her freeze over the pan, Sana is too sleepy to spot it. Dahyun had woken up before anyone else and having a good mood she decided to cook breakfast for everyone. It was in the middle of the second week of promotions and everything was going really well taking home two wins already. 

“Morning” she answers as neutral as she can in an attempt to hide her shock. Pet names weren’t on table until now. She hasn’t thought to call Sana one and Sana’s gesture only complicates things. She’s still sure that Sana doesn’t have feelings about her and maybe what she’s doing is in order to relieve stress or have fun. For her though, pet names will create an illusion she knows will make it harder when everything is over. Maybe talking to Sana and making things straight is the only way. 

“How would you like your pancakes?” she asks Sana, who’s still back hugging her. She’s cooking the last pancake. 

“Sweet like you” she says giggling and gives another kiss on her neck before going to sit on a stool, making her blush on her antics. She prepares a stack of four pancakes with caramel syrup and banana slices as she knows Sana likes and heads to the island. 

“Here" her heart flatters from the excitement she can see on the Japanese’s face. 

“Come here” Sana tells her while slicing a bite. Dahyun rounds the island and stands next to Sana who turns so they can face each other. “Aaa” she mimics to Dahyun and she opens her mouth for Sana to give her a generous portion. She munches as she watches Sana taking a bite on her own and she evaluates the flavor. The baking powder hits a little stronger, maybe she should try putting less next time, and there’s more egg flavor than what she likes. Did she forget to put some vanilla extract? She’s not sure. 

“You are so sloppy” Sana chuckles and takes a napkin from the table to clean her. 

“How am I sloppy when you are the one who feed me?” she asks in confusion before Sana’s hand reaches the corner of her mouth? 

“Did you just talk back?” Sana says coldly with her hand inches from her mouth and a blank expression. Dahyun feels shivers all over her body and a pick of fear starts rising inside her body. She’s not sure if Sana is serious or not and can’t tell if what she told her is that serious. There’s a game of stares between them, one frightened and one fearless. 

“Let me correct my mistake then” she says smirking and pulling Dahyun between her legs. Dahyun leaves a deep sigh relaxing while Sana closes the distance. She licks the syrup on the corner of her lips thoroughly, humming. When there’s no syrup left she drags her tongue across her lips to travel to the other corner. It takes a huge effort for Dahyun to not gasp or moan at the sensation. Sana takes her time to clean that side too and Dahyun patiently waits. 

“Caramel tastes so much better on your lips” Sana is to close to her mouth, and without giving her anytime she kisses her properly, not waiting a lot to part their lips and enter her tongue. Sana’s free hand is roaming her back stopping on her neck to pull her closer in an attempt to deepen the kiss. Only Dahyun is aware they're on the kitchen and the path Sana walks is one that leads to intense making out. 

“Wait” she says and pushes Sana’s shoulders leaning back, only for Sana to lean forward to find her lips again and push her legs on her sides to lock her on spot. “Sana” she leans further back thanks to her flexibility. 

“What?” Sana looks frustrated but leans back pulling Dahyun to stand straight too. 

“Someone could walk in” she states. 

“Okay” she answers and gives her a peck, in the same time hearing a greeting. 

“Good morning” Jihyo says entering the kitchen. Sana isn’t sure if she saw though her brows are furrowed looking at Sana and facing Dahyun’s back. Dahyun’s face is red looking at Sana hopelessly, waiting for her to handle the situation. In a matter of a second Sana has raised her hand which still holds the napkin and pads Dahyun’s mouth. 

“There. Now you’re clean” she says and pats Dahyun’s shoulder. If Jihyo saw anything she doesn’t comment on it. Both of them hope she didn’t. 

  
  


Another win in the bag and another trophy secured. Up until now it’s a successful comeback confirmed by the number of sales and wins. Due to the Japanese tour the promotions were schedule to last three weeks, making them eligible to compete only the last two. It was never a matter of how many wins they’d get, but climbing on top they had a reputation to maintain. If the wins or sales weren’t there the press would quickly label the comeback as a failure. Getting the successful results made them feel relieved and a huge weigh lifted from their shoulders; until their next comeback of course. 

“Have you decide your costume for the anniversary meeting?” Dahyun was laying between Sana’s legs with her back flat on the front of Sana and her temple touching her cheek watching tonight’s performance on Sana’s phone. 

“I want to go as Mera. I talked to stylist unnie and we ordered a costume” Sana answered excitedly. Having a successful Halloween themed fan meeting for their 3rd year anniversary they decided to repeat it for the 4th anniversary too, only more organized and stepping up their game on the costume part. 

With the video finished, Dahyun, who was holding the phone, scrolled through the recommendations and tapped on the Sana fancam one. Taking some seconds to admire the view, she couldn’t help but feel fascinated by Sana’s pink hair. It was a view she couldn’t get enough of. Sana looked good in any color but this pink was something else. She took some seconds to realize what Sana had said. 

“Your hair. How will you make them red?” she asked curiously. 

“I’ll wear a wig you silly” Sana giggled and pinched her sides. 

“Oh god” Dahyun said leaving a deep sigh intriguing Sana’s curiosity. 

“What?” she gave in immediately. 

“You in red hair… I don’t know how I’ll get through the meeting” Dahyun said like she was doomed to live a torture. She could imagine how Sana would look and sure it wasn’t going to be an easy day for Dahyun. 

“Flatterer…” Sana’s cheeks were red. Dahyun’s unexpected flirting did this to her every time. 

“You don’t have a clue how good you look in pink” Dahyun mumbled focusing on the video. It was okay to give compliments, she didn’t overstep, did she? 

“You don’t have a clue how good you look in ash-grey hair” Sana whispered with her lips slightly touching Dahyun’s ear making the hairs on her nape stand still. Okay, maybe complementing could get out of her hand very easy. 

“I’m testing them for when I get old obviously” she said. She had to lessen the tension between them, even if it was by being embarrassing hilarious. Sana saw through it and didn’t carry on. 

“What will you dress up as? Don’t tell me it’s a character from another thriller” she asked a little puzzled. Dahyun had been disguised as Annabelle at the last fan meeting and the members struggled a lot to perform the dances with her. It was quite creepy. 

“Nah I won’t. I’ll be dressed as the Genie from Aladdin, that’s all I’m gonna say.” Dahyun said firmly. She didn’t want to reveal anything about it to anyone, even if Sana wasn’t going to leak the details. 

“You’re gonna be completely blue?” Sana asked amazed. She was impressed by the idea as she would never think about it herself. 

“I said I’m not telling more!” Dahyun said determined, only to make Sana tickle her relentlessly. 

“Sana!” Dahyun pleaded again and again through her laughter feeling like she can’t take enough air in. 

“Will you be blue?” Sana continued tickling her squeezing her legs to secure her there. 

“I won’t-” Dahyun couldn’t form a full sentence without stopping to take small breaths “-tell”. 

“Come on baby, tell me” Sana whined slowing down the tickling, feeling Dahyun tensing. Had she said something wrong? Dahyun wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet, she wasn’t ready to lose whatever she had with Sana. 

“Yeap, I’ll be blue” she said and extended her neck a little to leave a kiss on Sana’s jaw to cover her misstep as soon as possible. Not sure what to do next she put Momo’s fancam on the phone, both of them paying attention to it. They loved admiring how flawless she moved and how precise her movements were. 

“Play yours, we didn't see it yet” Sana said shyly, crossing her hands over Dahyun’s abdomen. “Did you talk again with your brother?” she asked without losing focus from the video. She enjoyed the view too much. 

“He’s texted me two times already. You might were right. It seems like he missed me and wants to catch up.” There was a kind of happiness in her voice that Sana hadn’t heard again. If only she could help her feel this happy more. 

“That’s amazing” she said softly and placed a kiss on her cheek. They remained silent watching Dahyun’s fancam till the end. 

“I can watch your part for hours. It’s enchanting” she said seductively making Dahyun turn her head and look at her, with Sana leaning a little having their lips really close. 

“Really?” Dahyun’s talking made their lips brush. 

“Really” Sana said and connected them. It started slowly, no rushing. Sana uncrossed her hands and started wondering them on Dahyun’s tummy. She wasn’t overstepping anything and it felt great. Lifting a hand to cup Dahyun’s cheek, she gently wiped on her skin; soft and delicate. Only a few moments later she used the same hand to angle Dahyun’s head better to deepen the kiss. 

It took only some seconds to hear small moans from the Korean, but something inside her wanted a bigger reaction. She placed her other hand under her shirt touching bare skin and instantly felt Dahyun react. She liked knowing that her touch had this effect on the younger one. 

Seeking something more she guided her hand up. She wasn’t going to overstep, she just wanted to touch her right under her bra to check her reaction. She knew she was sensitive there from the times they had the ointment hour. Sliding her finger tips from one side of her ribcage to the other she felt a moan being muffled in her mouth. 

“Sana” Dahyun broke the kiss, biting her lips to hold another moan as Sana hadn’t stop her movements. Although Dahyun trusted Sana, she wasn’t ready to walk that path. She hadn’t expected Sana wanting to go further, and at the moment she couldn’t control the lusting feeling really well. Maybe it was time to talk things through. 

“Yes baby?” Sana said as she started placing kisses to her jaw and down her throat. She hadn’t spotted Dahyun becoming a statue on her embrace, too lost in her own feelings. Everything was too much for Dahyun. She wanted to talk with Sana, but this pet name was getting into her mind and messed up everything. She held Sana’s hand which was under her shirt to stop the motion, taking Sana out of her trance. Only then Sana was aware that something was wrong. 

“Dahyunie…?” she asked facing the Koreans’ back as Dahyun had lifted her body and was sitting between her legs. If she spoke now everything would be lost. Was she ready to lose this comfort Sana provided? 

“I’m not ready to do more” she said in a shaky voice. She wasn’t ready to lose this closeness with Sana, but maybe she could draw some lines in what she wanted to do and what not. 

“I wasn’t going for more, I’m sorry if it seemed that way” Sana admitted. She hesitantly hugged her from behind, afraid of a possible rejection. Dahyun replayed their interaction in her mind. Sana really didn’t cross the line; it was Dahyun who was hypersensitive. 

“I overreacted, I’m sorry.” 

“I’d never do anything you aren’t at ease with Dahyunie.” It was moments like this that made the line of their relationship blurry in Dahyun’s mind. They were friends who kissed each other and nothing more. Why were they discussing about the dos and don’ts like they were exploring their romantic relationship? It wasn’t the right time to think about it. Sana didn’t seem to mind discussing about it so neither would Dahyun. She’d cherish their moments, pet names included, as long as they’d last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter three times cause I wasn't satisfied with the result. I think it's 2-4 chapters more till the end. I'm trying not to rush but I feel this fic became too big with no reason. Hope you enjoyed the update, tried to make it fluffy
> 
> **Sorry for writing in present form for most of this chapter, I wanted to experiment with it a bit, I hope it didn't bother you in reading


	15. A wish to the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harming

Dahyun was waiting with Nayeon inside Park Jin-young’s office for him to arrive. Their managers had informed them that he asked to meet them after practice. The fact that he asked for both of them relieved Dahyun; it meant that it wasn’t about her. 

“Hello girls.” JYP entered the room with a towel around his neck, some drops of sweat dripping his face. He had just finished his own practice. 

“Hello PD-nim” they greeted him in unison. 

“How are you doing?” he rounded the desk to sit on the chair wiping his face with the towel. Although he seemed exhausted, his voice was genuine and protective. He treated every idol of the company like his child, but the girls held a special place in his heart. 

“Good. The comeback has been successful so far” Nayeon was the one to answer. 

“The numbers don’t lie” he said proudly. They were in the middle of the third week of the promotions, they had won 6 times already and there were two more shows left. He was the one to write Feel Special as a gift for all the hardships they came through all these years to reach this success. He knew how much they had sacrificed to achieve their dreams. 

“I know you just finished practice, I’ll get straight to the point so you can leave to rest the sooner.” He paused to drink some water from his bottle. “You know I have my comeback on early November. I want you to join me on Knowing Brothers. Of course for this to happen you’ll have to come back earlier after the Sapporo concert. I know your schedule is hectic, so you’re free to refuse.” 

“I’m in” Nayeon was the first to answer. She liked doing variety shows a lot, so when the question was formed there wasn’t a chance she would deny it. 

“Dahyun? Is everything okay? You haven’t said a lot” JYP asked. Dahyun seemed kind of moody and he wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not. 

“I’m very tired” she said smiling reassuringly. Both Nayeon and JYP seeing through it. “It’s a pleasure to join you PD-nim.” Dahyun loved variety shows too. It was a chance to have fun, plus she liked Knowing Brothers cast. She was sure they would have a good time. They spent some time discussing the details about the show and their schedule before leaving for the dorm. 

  
  


“Hey Ji, were is Sana?” Nayeon had just entered her room. She and Dahyun had returned with a different van, the other members had arrived about an hour earlier at the dorm. 

“She’s having a shower.” Jihyo was laying on her bed, already clean and ready to sleep. 

“Listen, with all the schedules we have I didn’t find the time to tell you, but is everything okay with Dahyun? I know Sana handles her but does she talk to Sana? Is she any better?” Nayeon poured her concern to an unprepared Jihyo, who had the same thoughts in mind. 

“Calm down. Sana is supposed to tell me if anything is wrong. What did PD-nim want you for?” Jihyo knew more than Nayeon, but she couldn’t tell her. She knew Sana kept things from her, but she also knew that their relationship had taken a different turn. Also she wasn’t sure if Dahyun was any better. 

“He wants us to join him at Knowing Brothers for his comeback. We’ll have to return right after Sapporo concert earlier than you. But Dahyun was weird. She agreed but she wasn’t good. I’m not sure she should do it.” Jihyo could see all the concern on Nayeon’s face. If she could she would forbid Dahyun from joining them but it wasn’t on her hand. 

“I’ll talk with Sana soon” Jihyo told her. Some minutes after Sana entered the room ready to sleep. It seemed she wouldn’t meet Dahyun that night. Jihyo wondered if everything between them was okay as they used to meet every night, this being the second in a row they wouldn't. 

  
  


“Come on Dubs, time to wake up” Chaeyoung said. Dahyun was already awake but refused to get up, holding her blanket and covering her head. Her two room mates were already prepared and ready to leave. Dahyun should had been up half an hour ago. 

“We’ll be late bro” Chaeyoung said playfully approaching her bed and lifting the blanket. It seemed she had read the situation wrong, as a very mad Dahyun stood up in front of her colliding their foreheads a little hard. 

“I don’t care” she said gritting her teeth. Tzuyu, witnessing everything from the other side of the room, rushed through to separate them and stand between them, mostly to protect an innocent Chaeyoung. 

“We have about thirty minutes to get ready and leave Dahyunnie” Tzuyu said calmly, only making Dahyun angrier. 

“I said I don’t care!” she shouted. Something was really wrong, Tzuyu could tell. But she knew she wasn’t the one who could calm Dahyun. 

“Dubu what is wrong?” Chaeyoung asked picking from Tzuyu’s side only to get glared like she had committed murder. 

“I’m not coming!” she shouted again. 

”What do you meaning you aren’t coming?” Chaeyoung asked raising her voice too. They had a heavy schedule, being in the middle of the third week of promotions. Dahyun seemed fine, so there wasn’t any explanation for her not showing up. 

“Do I speak another language or did you forget your own? I’m not coming!” she shouted at Chaeyoung. Tzuyu reached behind her and pushed Chaeyoung towards the door to make her leave. It was a lost match for both of them, but Tzuyu could remain calmer than Chaeyoung. 

“That’s right! Leave! I didn’t expect anything more from you!” Dahyun shouted, making Chaeyoung freeze on place holding the door open. It was unfair and false, Dahyun knew, but she couldn’t control what was leaving her mouth. Chaeyoung turned to face her, hurt all over her face, but it didn’t make a difference for Dahyun. Whatever had gotten in her mind didn’t let her think logically. 

“Dahyun please calm down” Tzuyu pleaded, debating on whether hugging her or saying something else. Dahyun was hurting herself and her friends. 

“You can leave too.” Her voice held a venom that made Tzuyu wonder if they’d made something wrong hurting Dahyun unconsciously. 

“Tzuyu, get out” Jihyo was standing on the opened door with Chaeyoung. Dahyun didn’t turn to look at them. She would probably get scolded but it was the last thing she cared at the moment. 

“Tell Sana to come here” Jihyo whispered to Tzuyu as she left the room, then closed the door and walked to Dahyun. 

“What’s wrong?” Jihyo asked calmly. Good, she wasn’t going to get scolded. Not wanting to answer she clenched her jaw and her hands in fists avoiding Jihyo’s eyes. She didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Dahyun” Jihyo started, placing a hand on her shoulder only for Dahyun to shrug to avoid her touch. 

“I see you’re hurting but that doesn't excuse you hurting the other members.” Jihyo said sternly. Well, there was the scolding after all. It was weird. Although she understood what Jihyo told her she couldn’t control her reactions. The guilt made it worse, only increasing her anger. Afraid of telling something she shouldn’t, she didn’t’ answer to Jihyo, both standing there for some seconds that felt like hours. 

Sana entered the room to stand right next to Jihyo. Before she could speak a word Dahyun buried her body in hers. The familiar scent of maple and caramel made her relax a little, with her face buried in Sana’s neck to sniff as much of the fragrance as she could, and to avoid Jihyo. 

Jihyo looked Sana in a way she couldn’t understand before leaving the room, only puzzling her. Tzuyu had told her to go to her room to calm down Dahyun, what had she done wrong? 

“What’s wrong baby?” All the calmness left Dahyun’s body hearing the pet name, all her previous thoughts invading her mind. In a abrupt movement she turned their bodies and pushed forward to pin Sana on her bed. Sana looked up in shock, their faces inches apart. 

“Don’t leave me. Promise you won’t.” Her expression was harsh in a way that revealed she was hurting. Before Sana could answer she collided their lips, kissing Sana hard, being sloppy and careless. She was searching for reassurance. Sana’s first instinct was to try and slow down the kiss to show her that she wasn’t going anywhere. 

Dahyun though didn’t slow down, getting more aggressive the more Sana tried to tame her. In the end Sana just followed her moves until she stopped and buried her head on the bed right next to Sana’s head. She was aware that she shouldn’t have told this to Sana, she would end up talking about her feelings due to this. But everything that was happening in her mind had taken control of her actions. 

Sana couldn't figure out what was wrong. But the schedule was tight and Dahyun was the only one who wasn’t ready to leave. Whatever was happening she would handle it later. 

“I’m not going anywhere” She meant it, and she hoped Dahyun meant it too. It was a revelation she wasn’t prepared to receive and definitely not in that way. “We’ll talk about it later, but now you have to get ready” Brushing her hand on Dahyun’s back she felt her relaxing gradually. She hoped it was enough to get her through the day, they could speak later. 

  
  


Dahyun’s outburst had a great influence on the group's mood. Most of them had heard her as they were already up and ready, and the ones that hadn’t were informed from the others. 

Feeling guilty but not ready to apologize, she avoided any close interaction with the other members, even with Sana. The thing with their group was that they were like a well oiled machine; if something was wrong it showed. 

Shooting for their intro required to be paired in duos, so she was lucky to be paired with Sana from everyone else. While the director wasn’t satisfied and made them shoot their scene again and again, one of the managers cornered Jihyo. 

“What’s wrong?” He was concerned. It was obvious something was off. 

“There was an altercation this morning.” Jihyo was always honest with the managers, but would never expose a member if she could avoid it. 

“You better work it out until the show. You can’t perform like this.” 

“We will. Sorry” Jihyo bowed before leaving to join the group. 

  
  


Things weren’t getting any better. They had a 3 hour gap till the fan meeting before the show. They were scattered through the building. Dahyun didn’t want to interact with anyone, so she wondered a little until she found the the stairs to the rooftop. 

The view was relaxing but it made her feel nostalgic. It was one hour before sunset, with the sun already going down, bathing everything in a warm orange tone. She should enjoy the sunlight more often. 

This nostalgic feeling didn’t help her already messed head. Sana had told her she wouldn’t leave her. And although a part of her hoped Sana meant it, a bigger part was sure she only told her to calm her down. She knew her state that morning was inexcusable, but her thoughts the previous night had led to a nightmare that triggered a side of herself that she didn’t know she had. 

She should go back to apologize and to have a discussion with Sana but she didn’t know where to start. Apologize to Chaeyoung? Apologize to Tzuyu? Talk with Sana? She wasn’t sure in what order to act. Every choice felt heavy. She leaned her head on top of her hands on the railing. Things shouldn’t be that hard. 

“Baby…” Sana was back hugging her placing kisses on her neck. They were safe from curious eyes as the building was very tall. 

“How did you find me?” 

“I followed you and admired you from afar for a little.” Dahyun knew that if they’d talk she couldn’t be in Sana’s arms, so she untangled her self and stood to face her. The way the sunlight was hitting her face was magical. How could she be so beautiful? It was just sunlight! The feeling of butterflies in her stomach wasn’t helping at all.

Sana wanted to help her. She had followed her in the rooftop but gave her sometime before walking to her. She knew that Dahyun could be negative in talking about her emotional state. If admitting her feelings could help her feel safe Sana would do it without second thought. 

“What happened this morning?” Dahyun had created a little gap between them, making Sana debate on closing it or let that small distance separate them. Although it hurt her she didn’t move closer, respecting Dahyun’s wish. 

“I had a nightmare” Dahyun blurted out without thinking, still disoriented by Sana’s beauty. It wasn’t the way she wanted the conversation to start. She intended to apologize for her actions that morning, and then tell Sana that it was okay, she shouldn’t have to say words she didn’t mean. It would probably lead them to end whatever their relationship was, Dahyun could tell, but she wasn’t sure if she was capable of doing it right now. She knew the heartbreak she’d get, and if she could delay it she would, at least until the end of the promotions. 

“Weren’t you feeling good before sleeping?” Sana knew that whenever Dahyun was struggling with her thoughts or her mood she’d have a nightmare. 

“Not really” Dahyun turned to watch over the city again, Sana staying on her spot facing her sideways. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? We could speak or I could have helped you sleep.” Sana was right. But deep inside Dahyun knew why. Over a week ago she'd promised to herself to enjoy whatever she and Sana had. It had lasted for some days, but her overworking mind didn’t let her enjoy it for too long. She had tried to distance a little herself from Sana for two days, leading to her thoughts over-stacking in her head and no one to tell them. Of course she could speak to everyone but she wanted Sana. 

This conflict in her mind led her on closing to herself and letting everything eat her up. Maybe she’d have avoid this mess if she hadn’t distanced herself from Sana. In order to fix the situation, she should first fix her mind. And who was better than Sana to help in that? 

“Remember how I told you I speak with my mom once every month?” She didn’t answer to Sana’s question but got straight to the issue. Sana hummed instead of answering. It was a bit confusing for her too, with Dahyun avoiding her. She charged it on the exhaustion from their schedule, but she knew she was fooling herself. Dahyun’s morning actions had proofed a part of the truth, that Dahyun was afraid of loosing her. Now she’d picture the whole image. 

“Last time we spoke was before the break. She doesn’t reply to my messages any more. It’s been almost two months. I asked Myungsoo and he told me some nonsense to cover it. He’ll call me after the anniversary meeting. I feel like it is the end after all.” She stopped for a little, feeling Sana’s intense stare. Not wanting to receive any questions she spoke again. She should tell everything before losing her temper again. 

“I had a nightmare. Everyone left me. I was in a dark room for years.” This should explain everything, she thought. And it did. Sana had connected all the dots. She could now understand why Dahyun had spoken such harsh words to her best friends, she could understand why she sought for reassurance from her. 

If Dahyun’s speculations were right her mom had caught the ties between them. Of course it would mess up with her head. And the nightmare? The nightmare was there because of the feeling of being left. So the outburst this morning was the aftermath of these feelings in combination with what must had been a really painful nightmare. Sana wasn’t sure if she could have helped somehow if Dahyun had talked with her sooner. The parents issue was still difficult for her to give advise. 

“Don’t determine yourself before talking with your brother. You could be completely wrong on your suspicions” Sana tried to give her another perspective to think about. She didn’t believe it herself knowing the history of her relationship with her parents, but she had to try making her feel a little better. 

“I’ll try not to” Dahyun said. She might wouldn’t, but she wanted to end this discussion. Talking about it had already helped her feel a little better. “I’m sorry for this morning” she said. Sana saw how her posture changed from disoriented to uneasiness one. 

“It’s okay, really. But I want you to know that I’m not going-” 

“Can we have this conversation after the anniversary meeting?” Dahyun interrupted her abrapty, turning to face her with pleading eyes. She really wasn’t ready to have this talk with Sana. She surely could stay there and let Sana tell her reassurances she didn’t mean. The time to clear everything out was close, only 4 days later. Until then she could spend some last good moments with Sana, just delaying the heartbreak. Little did she know that if she had the talk with Sana now, she'd save herself from that upcoming heartbreak. 

“Of course. Whenever you want to” Sana reassured her with a smile. She was ready to talk about her feelings, she had thought about them all day, but if Dahyun didn’t feel ready she’d respect that. The only problem was Dahyun’s eyes hiding some fear, making Sana worry. 

“Let’s go, I want to apologize to Chae and Tzu before the fan meet” she said before taking a last sight from Sana’s sun-lighten face and started walking to the door. Sana could only follow with thoughts running through her mind. She was supposed to help Dahyun, but in times like that she felt useless.

  
  


When they parted ways after the rooftop Sana had isolated herself in an empty changing room. The whole conversation with Dahyun had urged her to call her parents and talk with them as there was some more time left for the fan meet. 

Speaking with her mother she didn’t notice Jihyo entering the room and sitting on a sofa behind her. She was sitting on a chair infront of a make-up mirror desk looking at her nails when her mother asked her if she was happy. It was a question her mom would make every now and then, but after her incident some months ago her mom would ask every time they'd talk. 

The answer had been yes for quite a while now, but now she wasn’t sure. She should feel happy. That morning she had learnt that Dahyun wanted her there and was afraid she’d leave her. That meant that Dahyun had feelings for her; she should be happy. Something didn’t feel right though, and she wasn’t sure what it was. Lifting her gaze to face herself on the mirror ready to tell her mother a lie she spotted Jihyo behind her looking back through the same mirror. It was an intense stare like the one she gave her that morning. 

“Mom I have to go, they’re calling for me. We’ll talk in a few days, love ya” Sana said and hanged up the call before her mother could answer. A white lie wouldn’t hurt her. Something about Jihyo’s gaze made her wanting to avoid it so she focused on her phone’s black screen. 

“Are you?” Jihyo asked her. 

“What?” 

“Happy.” 

Sana lifted her head to look at her through the mirror with an empty expression. Of course Jihyo had heard the question. She had her mother on the speaker after all. Searching inside her about the answer she once again averted her gaze from the mirror. Searching didn’t help her, it made her feel uneasy. 

“Come here” Jihyo said. Sana took some seconds to go and sit besides her. 

“I know about the kisses.” Jihyo said simply. It wasn’t accusatory or judgemental. She could tell something was wrong and she had learned through years as the leader that the best way to discuss about something was to be crystal clear. 

“You know?” Sana was afraid to look at her. She felt a relief for finally having someone to discuss about it, but she hadn’t been sincere with Jihyo about a lot of things she should, so the feeling of relief was overshadowed by the one of guilt. 

“I’ve known since the day before the showcase” Jihyo said. She didn’t want to explain to Sana that she was speculating about it until Dahyun talked to her, because then she'd have to say how Dahyun had confirmed her speculations when she talked about feeling guilty for taking advantage of a “friend”. She didn’t know if they had talked about their feelings and didn’t want to take a risk on revealing too much. 

“That was the second time” Sana said with her face turning to a deep shade of red. 

“And where are you standing now?” 

“Nowhere. But this morning she said some things that imply she has feelings for me too.” Sana knew where she wanted to stand with Dahyun. But the uneasiness she felt made it weird. Why was she feeling uneasy? 

“Does she know about your feelings?” Jihyo asked then. 

“Not yet. I tried talking with her about it but she asked me to talk after the anniversary fan meet.” 

“Okay. What got her in the morning?” 

“From what she told me there’s a great possibility her mother has caught the ties between them.” 

“Is she any better from the first time she opened up to you?” 

Okay,this was a question Sana knew would get but didn’t want to answer. Was she any better? She wasn’t sure. She should be at least a little better, right? But thinking back all Sana could recall was a sad Dahyun making a little to none progress. The times before the first kiss she would trust Sana with her problems but Sana didn’t pay attention if she was getting better as she thought it was self-evident. 

But after starting kissing and making out Dahyun would avoid answering by leading their meetings to making out. Sana was too weak to deny her, and that was her own fault. The uneasiness she felt was turning to something bitter she wasn’t ready to admit yet. 

“Sana…” Jihyo trailed disappointed. She had perceived Sana’s silence as a no. She had hoped this wouldn’t be the result. It was kind of her fault for not talking earlier with Sana, but there were so much to take care off that she hadn’t find the time to. No matter what, the blames were there and she sure had her share to take. 

“This isn’t healthy, you know it, right?” Jihyo asked. Sana had yet to look at her. The bitter feeling was growing and growing. 

“You were supposed to help her.” First blow. Indeed she was. But had she been too carried away by her feelings that she neglected that part? 

“You left me out from important things.” Second blow. Sana wasn’t sure what Jihyo knew about the things Dahyun had trusted her, but she should surely have told Jihyo about a lot of things, like the time she found her moments before cutting herself. What the hell had Sana thought to keep it a secret? She had given a promise to Jihyo, a promise that was now broken. 

“I shouldn’t have let you handle her.” Third blow. That one was painful. Not only had she been useless, but she had let down Jihyo too. Was there something worse to feel? She knew how much Jihyo counted on her, how high she was on Jihyo’s eyes. And now all she felt was a human disappointment. What she didn’t know was that Jihyo didn’t mean it the way she understood it.

“I should have stopped you the moment I was sure about it. She isn’t in a good place and this is only messing the situation.” Realization hit Sana, who felt some tears leaving her eyes. Jihyo had kept the distance between them but she couldn’t stand her in this situation and moved closer her to embrace her. 

“It isn’t healthy Sana.” Jihyo was rubbing her back gently. “She doesn’t talk to anyone about her problems. I don’t know how much she tells you but it is unhealthy needing you to calm her down. This morning is the proof. What if it happens when you aren’t there? Who would calm her down?” Sana only cried harder as Jihyo’s words were completely on point. 

“I’m sorry” she said through her whimpers. Everything felt wrong. What had she hoped? That she could have a healthy relationship after talking with Dahyun about their feelings? This was exactly the reason she felt uneasy thinking about it earlier. She must had thought about it unconsciously. Now that she had made the thought consciously she could tell that that was it earlier. 

“Don’t be, we’ll fix it” Jihyo said trying to sound reassuring, but she failed when she herself wasn’t sure about it. Sana though wasn’t sure if there was anything fixable. She had been there to help, she had promised. Somewhere in the road she lost her way and had done anything but helping. Without realizing it she had made her relationship with the Korean toxic. Was there anything left to fix after all? 

  
  


The fan meet wasn’t easy for Sana after her talk with Jihyo. She had promised to take some distance untill she’d talk with Dahyun. For that reason she sat in the ending of the table whereas Dahyun was sitting at the start. They’d usually sit together to have more fun but today Sana couldn’t do it. 

The performance was a great one, with the chemistry of the group back on track after Dahyun had apologized to the whole group after the fan meet. Although they didn’t win it felt a great night for everyone except Sana. She had so much to think and so many decisions to make. 

That night Sana talked with Jihyo about everything that had happened between them and everything related to Dahyun’s mental healt. Jihyo didn’t like that Sana hadn’t told her about some critical things such as Dahyun’s intentions to self-harm again or her weird memory-thing to get through her parents. It hadn’t help and Jihyo believed it only had caused her unnecessary pain. But the damage was done now, and the good thing was Sana filling her with everything she didn’t know. 

Jihyo asked Sana to keep a distance but not totally. She wanted to have her own talk with Dahyun, but until then Dahyun should have someone there to talk. And that one couldn’t be other than Sana. 

The last day of promotions was just the day before the anniversary meeting. It would be again a fan meet and then the broadcast. This time Sana sat next to Dahyun on the table, wanting to keep an eye on her as she had promised to Jihyo the previous night. It was in the ending of the signing that Dahyun [flirted](https://twitter.com/egodahyun/status/1250622999406931968) with a fan making a rush of jealousy run through Sana’s body. She shouldn’t feel this way, not after anything she had done was wrong. 

They were heading to the make-up room for some last touches before the broadcast when Sana felt someone pulling her in an empty from people dressing room. 

“Why are you avoiding me?" Dahyun asked her. She knew she was the one to be blamed as she was the one to put the distance between them initially, but Sana had become more distant than Dahyun. 

“I’m not, I sat besides you for the fan meet.” For some unexplainable reason she couldn’t take her eyes from Dahyun’s lips. Was it the fear of facing her eyes, or maybe the desire to taste her lips one last time? 

“You know what I mean” Dahyun told her walking closer and putting a finger under her chin to lift her head so they’d look at each other. Sana gulped nervously. They were supposed to talk after tomorrow’s meeting, not today, not yet. 

“We’ll talk tomorrow after the fan meet” she said with her eyes looking from Dahyun’s eyes to her lips repeatedly. 

“After the meeting” Dahyun mumbled closing the distance, her voice hinting sadness. The kiss started slow, both of them trying to pour all their feeling on it. When it became more intense Dahyun framed Sana on the door trying to pass all her feelings to Sana who answered back with the same force and tension. 

They both handled the kiss as the last one they’d have, both for different reasons. Dahyun because she thought Sana didn’t have feelings about her, and Sana because she knew this situation didn’t help the Korean meditate and recover as it was toxic. 

Parting their mouths Dahyun rushed to leave the room. They were both left with something heavy in their bodies, feeling like this was the final kiss, the goodbye one. Thankfully for them they managed to hide their pain from the others, enjoying their last broadcast and their win. 

  
  


The anniversary meeting was successful as expected. It was scheduled to happen two times, one in the noon and one in the evening. The exciting thing about the whole event was that Mina had joined them, making it the first time in almost four months that they spent time as nine on stage. That only made everyone emotional, spilling some tears on stage. It was good news after a long time, making both the fans and the group extremely happy. 

It was difficult for both of them, having to perform fan service actions although they were awkward with each other. They hadn’t talked since Dahyun left the dressing room the previous day, and knowing they’d talk later that night only made it worse. They both weren’t ready to loose each other, but they knew it was inevitable. 

Once the fan meet was over Sana changed from her costume to her clothes and left to the dorms with everyone who was ready, meaning Nayeon Mina and Momo. The rest of them were left behind in order of the make up unnies to help them take off the heavy make up they had on their faces. 

They took their showers in age order. When Sana got out from the bathroom she heard voices from the living room as the rest of them had arrived. Her heart started beating uncontrollably. She knew that in a few moments she’d talk with Dahyun. In a few moments it’d be over. She went to her room to wait. She knew all five of them would have their showers and decided to wait on her room until Dahyun would be ready. She’d probably text Sana to go downstairs. 

Sitting on her bed with her anxiety eating her up she didn’t pay attention to a curious Mina and Nayeon observing her. Some moments later Jihyo was there too, plopping over the covers of her bed. 

“I’m gonna talk with Daniel until the others finish with the bathroom” Jihyo said. Nayeon stood up fake gagging, Mina chuckling following her and Jihyo looking at them unamusedly. As Sana didn’t interact with her Jihyo proceeded on calling her boyfriend. 

Sana didn’t pay attention on her, only focused on the thought of what would follow. She wasn’t ready but she had to do it. She had to fix everything that she had done wrong. Thinking about it since her talk with Jihyo, one of her greatest mistakes was always thinking that she shouldn’t press Dahyun when she wasn’t okay. 

She didn’t meant pressuring her exaggeratedly, but enough for her to speak to Sana about her feelings. She knew that Dahyun needed a push to talk sometimes. But why had Sana thought it was okay to let her bottle her thoughts up countless time these past two months? 

“Hey, I’m gonna check what’s wrong. It’s been an hour, they should be done now. The last one was supposed to be Dahyun” Jihyo said. Usually the person who would finish their shower would inform the next one. Sana got up to follow Jihyo. Her gut told her something was indeed wrong. Passing through the bathroom door they heard the water running. Someone was inside showering. Jihyo headed to the maknaes room with Sana in tail. 

“Hey” she said entering. Scanning the room there was Nayeon and Tzuyu on the latter’s bed and Jeongyeon with Chaeyoung on her bed. 

“How long is Dahyun showering? I’ve waited for an hour already” Jihyo said irritated. 

“She left the room twenty minutes ago, but right before leaving her brother called her. Maybe she talked with him before showering” Chaeyoung said. 

“Okay, I’ll give her 10 minutes” Jihyo said and proceeded sitting next to Nayeon. Mina and Momo should be on the living room or in Momo’s room. 

Jihyo quickly involved herself on their conversation, Sana sitting on Dahyun’s bed. Initially she felt herself wondering when she’d have the chance to sleep again in this bed with her favourite person in her arms. But after two minutes it kicked her; Chaeyoung told them that her brother had called. Why wasn’t Jihyo worrying? 

Sana had trusted her with everything that had happened. Couldn’t she understand that his phone call was critical? Hadn’t Jihyo grasped on the seriousness of the situation? Sana had explained everything to her. But Sana was more invested than Jihyo. Sana knew every detail, she had been there all this time. 

She wasn’t sure if the 10 minutes mark had passed but she stood up any way, walking out of the room to the bathroom. Opening the door she felt like her knees would fail her. She wanted to scream but her body was too shocked to react. 

Dahyun was standing in the shower only with her pants off and blood running down the thigh Sana was facing, the other one facing the wall. Water was running but it seemed it was turned on seconds ago as Dahyun’s hoodie wasn’t soaked completely yet, half of it being deep blue and half a lighter colour. 

Water had slightly reached her thigh which had thick streams of blood running down the leg. Sana tried to identify the injuries making out sloppy cuts which should be really deep depending on the amount of blood that was gushing out. Looking a little upper she spotted Dahyun’s hand holding tight the small scissor with her knuckles white from the force. 

“Jihyo!” Sana shouted with all her voice, and only then she headed straight to the shower. She wasn’t sure what to do, Dahyun didn’t even flinch hearing her voice. She was looking at the glass in front of her, motionless and empty like a statue. She hadn’t closed the shower door. If she had, Sana wouldn’t had seen her cuts. 

“What?” Jihyo was somewhere behind her but immediately ran to stand next to Sana. All her nerves shipped out of her body seeing the wounds herself. 

“Bring a towel” Sana said shivering. It started getting to her head, this scene was a nightmare. 

Jihyo inspected the bathroom quickly to find a body towel and finding none she ran back to Dahyun’s room to take a towel from her closet. The other members followed her seeing her panicked state. 

Jihyo turned off the shower and wrapped Dahyun in the towel, then pulled her out slowly. The movements from the younger were there but they were slow. She seemed lifeless. Sana had stepped a little away from the shower to give space to them. 

Taking two steps from the shower they were just in front of her. Dahyun had caught her scent -it was too strong after having a shower just an hour ago- and turned slowly to face Sana, who wasn’t sure how to react. When Dahyun stepped too close she thought she was seeking for a hug. But instead Dahyun did the one thing that had helped her manage her pain all these previous weeks. She grabbed Sana’s shirt pulling her forward and kissed her. Sana’s reaction was immediate, stopping her and creating some distance. 

“Dahyun, no…” she trailed, watching the Koreans eyes looking back at her empty and emotionless. It took some seconds staring at each other until she saw a flash of an emotion in her eyes. If she could name it somehow she would name it heartbreak. Dahyun then closed her eyes and took a small step behind. 

“Leave” was all she said with shut eyes. Sana felt her own heartbreak hearing the tone of her voice. There was too much pain in her voice, pain that Sana wasn’t sure if she had caused or not. She could feel her own heart breaking, but there was someone who needed help more than her. Heading to leave the bathroom she faced the other six members staring at the scene with different emotions on their faces. How much they had seen Sana really didn’t care. She just wanted to leave the room to help Dahyun feel better. 

Everything felt wrong. This shouldn’t have happened. She felt the guilt eating her up. If she had helped her as she was supposed to, Dahyun wouldn’t be in that bad place. Feeling the need for some fresh air she headed out to the backyard, sitting on the patio wooden stairs. There was no moon but they sky was clear. She could spot all the stars trembling. On another night she would stargaze; she loved it. But in that moment she felt like the stars were mocking her. 

Once upon a time some months ago she had been selfish, thinking that she wouldn’t want anything to change in Dahyun’s past so she would meet her no matter what. But now all she could do was wish to the stars to travel back in time at the pivotal moment that changed everything and not take Dahyun’s best friend from her. She wished to the stars for a happy Dahyun, even if Sana wouldn't be in her life, even if she’d never meet her, as long she wouldn’t bear all this pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there.
> 
> It's been a month since the last update. Life happened and I couldn't find time and urge to write. I'm not sure if the chapter is any good as when I started writing it I felt like I was writing for the first time again. I hope the flow was good. Did it feel rushed? The build up from the previous chapters was structured to lead to this. The chapter is more Sana centric, next chapter will be mostly in Dahyun's POV. Should I write the chapter again?
> 
> Thanks for everyone waiting patiently, the fic got a lot of views this past month, so really thank you for everyone reading it!!
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe and healthy. Fighting!!


	16. The light at end of the tunnel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourself because this is a 10k chapter.  
>   
> TW: Self-harming

TW: self-harming

  
  
  


There are some unwritten rules in life, rules that apply in a person’s development in order to be a good individual for society. This statement though is the ideal. And the ideal rarely happens. In these ideal rules, there is a part dedicated to parenting. A parent is supposed to help their kid grow up, teach them the values and ethics of life, and prepare their kid before it opens its wings and flies alone to fulfill the destiny of making its own life and later being a parent itself. It’s a constant cycle that repeats and will repeat until eternity. 

Unfortunately -depending on one’s scope- no one has invented a system to predict who is capable of being a good parent and who isn’t. This statement is very volatile, as life is unpredictable, making everything change in an instant, turning a good parent to a bad one, or changing a bad person to a good one instead. 

Dahyun’s parents had been the ideal kind of parents, raising her up with the right values, molding her in a good person, loving her, and making their relationship a safe place for her, as they ought to do. This safe place was no longer there, and it hadn’t been there for a lot of years since she became a trainee. 

No kid is ready to lose its safe place, even when the kid becomes an adult and grows to an independent person, their parent will always be their safe place. The parent-child relationship is fundamental for both parties, but mostly to the child, which is dependable on the parent since birth, and it’s like play-dough on the parent’s hands. What happens when you lose this safe place though? 

Dahyun knew she had lost hers. But knowing was different from accepting, even after all these years. She might hadn’t understood that the moment she decided to become a trainee she had determined her future. The consciousness that she had lost her safe place had come to her mind the last time she was in her house. The moment she left with her manager back to Seoul was the moment she knew that she had lost them. That was the reason she had self-harmed after for the first time. 

Two years had passed since then, and in these two years, she never stopped hoping of getting her safe place back. She knew it was an unfulfilled desire, but accepting wasn’t easy. And until you accept something, you can’t get over it. 

The funny thing was she was sure she had accepted it after the whole memory procedure she got through. Unfortunately, she had fooled herself as her brother’s words had achieved what she couldn’t by herself. The safe place wasn’t there anymore no matter how much she wanted it to be. Realization hit her really hard, that this was it. There was no reason to hope anymore, it was finalized. 

“I’m really sorry Dahyun.” There was a pause, the running water sounds breaking the silence. She had turned on the shower to cover her conversation with her brother. The feeling wasn’t something new. The only new thing was the amount of pain she felt. 

“I’ll try to visit soon. Just tell me when you got time, okay?” It wasn’t like she didn’t hear him, but his words didn’t register in her mind. 

“I wish you the best. Goodnight Myungsoo.” Her response was mechanical, hanging up the call right after. She was right from the beginning. Myungsoo had called for bad news. She thought she was over her parents’ issue. She thought she had accepted the situation after playing with the good and bad memories. Had she fooled herself? She had been better, hadn’t she? 

She thought she could get through it. If she had made progress by walking two steps forward, now she had walked ten steps back, all the progress demolished and back to point zero. Scratch that; below point zero. After all these years and still feeling pain and void, and her heart shattered into thousand tiny pieces. Would she be able to pick them up this time? 

The metal scissor felt cold in her hand. She wasn’t careful this time, scratching deeper than ever with no precision. All she cared about was to feel some relief from the pain in her heart. Why didn’t she feel that relief? She scratched again and again but felt nothing. The amount of blood was significantly more than any other time, but the pain from her wounds never reached her. She stepped in the shower. She had it running on cold since she started her phone-call. Maybe the cold water could numb her. 

Was she trapped in a vicious cycle? One that was consisted of being in her ultimate low, then getting a little better, then something happening either thoughts or a bad event, then going back at square one? How much more pain could she endure? It was the reason she had started self-harming. The pain had been too much to bear, and physical pain was her choice to share the emotional pain, distributing to her body to lessen it. Physical pain was more bearable from the emotional one. 

But this time it hadn’t help. This time the heartache was the worst one she had ever felt. How many times had she made the exact same thought? That her pain was the worst she had ever felt? Someone somewhere out in the universe must have listened to her thoughts all these times because every next time that came the pain had been worst compared to the previous. Was someone testing her on how much pain she can take? This felt like her limit, like a little bit more and she’d collapse and never wake up again, lost in the darkness. 

She felt someone touching her and then a familiar scent invaded her nostrils. It gave a tiny warm feeling to her body, just a little one, and she blindly followed the scent, her body reacting on its own. She really couldn’t control her actions. She hadn’t thought to kiss Sana, but here she was grabbing the front of her shirt and pulling her to kiss her. It was just two seconds, but the pain had stopped and she felt numb. And then just as quick Sana stopped her. 

“Dahyun, no…” If someone had told her she could feel two pains at the same time she’d laugh at them. Hadn’t she felt her heart breaking into thousands pieces just moments ago? How could she feel it all over again? And why did her heart break? She knew Sana didn’t have feelings for her. Why this rejection hurt her so much? Sana had agreed to kiss her out of pity the first time, and all the times after. 

She was trying to help Dahyun, so getting feelings and falling in love with her was her own fault. Sana was free to decide to stop whatever they had. She was in the wrong from the beginning. She had taken advantage of Sana’s fondness, she had used her. And now Sana must felt used and manipulated. And it was all Dahyun’s fault. She closed her eyes and took a step back from Sana. She had been a burden to her, she knew it. It was time to set her free. 

“Leave.” There was silence for some seconds, making her able to feel her frantic heartbeat pounding in her ears. And then the silence broke. 

“Nayeon take Mina out of here.” Jihyo was giving out orders. 

“Chaeyoung go bring clothes.” In her rush to talk with her brother, she hadn’t taken her pyjamas or a towel with her. 

“Jeongyeon run the shower in warm, she’s freezing.” How much time had she been under the cold water? The pain was there, her unnies were there. She was listening but couldn’t react. 

“Momo…” Jihyo trailed. Jihyo looked at Momo with pleading eyes, Momo getting the hint immediately and leaving the bathroom. She didn’t want to say Sana’s name in case it’d upset Dahyun more. She wanted to go to Sana herself but there was so much to take care of that she couldn’t. Momo was the best option, that’s why she handed Mina to Nayeon. Nayeon knew how to handle Mina. 

Jihyo started undressing her, taking off her hoodie, then her t-shirt, and then her bra and panties. She wasn’t sure if Dahyun not reacting was a good thing or not. She still had her eyes closed and a painful expression. 

“Ready.” Jeongyeon said and Jihyo guided her to the shower. It’d be a little uncomfortable washing her from the outside so Jihyo entered the shower too. She was the only one that hadn’t got her shower yet, so it’d be unfair to let anyone else get wet again. 

“Bring me some clothes too Jeong.” She then washed Dahyun’s hair, then her body, taking care of the scratched hip and clearing the dried blood gently. She had kept Dahyun right under the water to keep her warm, not caring of the shivers she got herself from getting her clothes wet, sticky and cold. The wounds were partially running, giving a weird faint red color to the water. Jihyo hoped the damage wasn’t as severe as it appeared. 

The other three waited patiently for them. Jihyo knew she had to keep a calm facade, and she was grateful that they did too, especially the two maknaes. She reached around Dahyun to turn off the shower but Dahyun’s hand grabbing hers stopped her. Dahyun turned and looked at her. Her eyes were red but Jihyo couldn’t tell if she was crying as she was under the water. 

Dahyun didn’t move, Jihyo wasn’t sure if she was reading her face right, but took a step and got under the water, engulfing her in her arms. She felt small shivers. She knew Dahyun wasn’t cold, she was under very warm water. Shivers became bigger body shakes, and the expected whimpers and sobs never came. Only a shaking body in her arms breaking down. She put an arm on Dahyun’s waist and pulled her to her body to support her better, and let her go through it patiently while using the other hand to rub her back. 

Jihyo’s mind was full in thoughts as she waited for Dahyun to calm down. Sana and Dahyun hadn’t talked yet, that she knew. What exactly had happened to cause this relapse to Dahyun? Dahyun’s behavior hinted that Sana wasn’t going to help in that; it was up to them. The schedule they had to follow wouldn’t allow for a break. Even if Dahyun was good enough at hiding her true feelings when on stage, there was a broken bridge between her and Sana now, and even if Dahyun was able to hide that too Jihyo was sure Sana wasn’t. And that meant risking the group’s relationship and image in front of the fans. 

Dahyun shifted from her arms and turned off the water. Seeing her, Jeongyeon approached right after with an open towel in hands to take her out of the shower. Jihyo discarded her own clothes fast to have a quick shower as the other three sat Dahyun on the edge of the bath tab and helped her dress carefully. Jihyo knew that as long as it’d take her to finish, Jeongyeon would treat the wounds; she was good at it. 

While Chaeyoung and Tzuyu dressed her, Jeongyeon prepared the things she’d use from the first-aid kit. 

“This will hurt.” She said crouching in front of her, getting no reply back. Dahyun hoped it would hurt her. Jeongyeon tabbed the cotton ball with the disinfectant all over the wounds, hissing only from the view. It should hurt a lot. But looking at Dahyun’s face she spotted no reaction. For Dahyun it was only a small burn in her hip area. The burn never reached her heart as she hoped, to burn her emotional pain away. It didn’t take a long for Jeongyeon to patch her up with a big sticker gauze, there wasn’t a lot she could do after all. 

“Go to your room and we’ll be there in a few.” It was directed to the two maknaes, who both held Dahyun carefully and guided her as leaving the bathroom. 

“I’m not completely sure but she might need stitches.” Jeongyeon said as Jihyo got out of the shower and started drying her self. 

“Didn’t you stop the bleeding?” Jihyo asked getting off the towel and putting on her underwear. 

“Not completely.” 

“She’ll deny.” Jihyo clasped her bra and continued. “She won’t agree going to a doctor.” 

“She didn’t agree to a lot of things and look where we are now Jihyo!” 

“Don’t shout okay, we’re all worried!” Jihyo shouted back. Jeongyeon brought her fingers to rub her temples in an attempt to calm down herself. Waiting for her response Jihyo wore her sweatpants and t-shirt after. 

“If I got it right, there is something between her and Sana. And if I got the whole situation right, she isn’t any better. And who was the one to agree to do everything her way? I and Momo told you our objections. I can’t accuse Sana at all. You were supposed to listen to us and make a good decision. But you decided to go with Dahyun’s wishes!” 

“I don’t believe that you held it till now to rub it on my face!” There was something wrong with this situation, they both knew it, but their frustration was coming out in this negative form. There was no reason to tear down each other like thar, but here they were, cutting their hearts with an imaginary knife who’s blade was made from their sharp and venomous words. 

“What the hell are you talking about? Rub what? That you didn’t take my opinion? I don’t care, and I really wish I was wrong! But I wasn’t and the thing is you just let things be. Did you ask Sana anything all these months? Did you ask about her progress? Or you just let it on Sana to handle? Did you know about their relationship changing? Do you understand how big is the issue? I don’t know if we can cover it this time. And if she has to go to a doctor, she will. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to.” 

There was guilt inside Jihyo’s body, tying her stomach in a knot, and the knowledge she'd been wrong from the beginning made her want to vomit. Not able to keep looking at Jeongyeon she leaned her head and looked at the bathroom tiles, playing with the hem of her shirt anxiously. 

“I know I was wrong. I know I made mistakes. But I have so much to take care of, and so many things on my mind. There are things I have to schedule and prepare with the managers all the time when you have your time off. And, there is Mina’s situation and they keep asking me how it goes and when she’ll be back and I have to reassure them that she needs some more time, but they want to schedule everything for next year and they need to know so I have this pressure over my head. And then, there is Daniel, that I feel guilty for having in my life, and all these negative feelings don’t help us, and I think I have to break up for the better of both of us.” 

She stopped to take a breath before talking again, trying to keep the tears in her eyes. Seeing Jeongyeon ready to speak and a lot calmer than before, she beat her to it and talked first. 

“But right now it’s not about me. I was wrong and now I’ll try to fix it. We’ll try to fix it, as a group and not as units this time. That was my first mistake. Let’s go.” Jihyo walked out of the bathroom unable to look Jeongyeon in the eyes. She felt like she had failed her, and the whole group too. A lot of things were on the table now, but first of all, there was Dahyun. 

  
  
  


In another room, a shocked Mina was trying to calm down in Nayeon’s hands. In the patio, Momo was trying to help Sana. 

  
  
  


In the maknaes room there was silence, everyone waited for Dahyun to say something. Jihyo and Jeongyeon had been there for half an hour already and there was no word from anyone. Dahyun was sitting on the edge of her bed staring at the floor, with the rest divided on the other two beds. Just as Jihyo was ready to say something, a sound came from Dahyun, a sound they couldn’t decipher. 

“My-” She tried to form a sentence, feeling immediately a knot closing her throat and her breath, making her stop. It wasn’t going to be easy formulating words and telling them what they needed to know. 

“It’s okay.” Jeongyeon had transferred to her bed in a moment, sitting next to her and side hugging her. She tried again. 

“My..” She took a breath. “Brother.” She tried a lot to hold her self and not break down again. The knot in her throat was there, making it difficult to even gulp. But she had just spoken two words. Four more. Four more and if the girls could get it she wouldn’t have to speak more. 

“He’s get-” A small whimper escaped her, unable to control it this time. She brought her hand to her mouth to keep it inside her. Two words. Two more words and this torture would be over. “Getting married.” That was it. If they were smart enough they’d figure out the rest. She didn’t have the courage to verbalize it. It would tear her apart again. 

Jeongyeon looked the other three, all of them confused as her. That was good news, Dahyun should be happy, right? They looked at each other trying to decode her words until Tzuyu seemed to realize it first and walked to kneel in front of Dahyun’s knees. Seeing her hands shaking she held them and looked Dahyun in the eyes. There wasn’t something positive there, only hurt and pain, but there was some anticipation that Tzuyu knew, that Tzuyu had understood. 

Tzuyu’s words came out as gentle as definite. She’d figured it out. 

“You’re not invited.” 

If she hoped that not telling it by herself wouldn’t hurt her that much she was wrong. All her tries to keep herself gathered vanished, dropping on the floor like an empty shell, not able to hold her whimpers and sobs while breaking down in Tzuyu’s arms. Chaeyoung didn’t take long to join, not able to stand afar. Very soon Jeongyeon left the room unable to handle it. 

  
  
  


In the patio stairs Sana and Momo had a silent conversation. Momo might didn’t know the details, but the kiss she witnessed in the bathroom answered a lot of her questions. It couldn’t be the first, Dahyun would never act that way if there wasn’t any antecedent. The problem was the whole situation being messy. What could have happened to lead to tonight’s events? What was the role of Sana in everything? 

For Sana there weren’t a lot of words that could help her verbalize her feelings and thoughts. She had taken a taste of what she could have with Dahyun, just a tiny bit. And if she could erase it, if she could take it back and just help the Korean as she was supposed to do, she’d do it. Because when you love someone you do whatever you can to see the other person happy, even if it means you’re not in the picture. Because Sana wasn’t supposed to act on her feelings, she was supposed to help her get better. And she had failed. How could she explain this to Momo when she herself couldn’t understand why she acted that way? 

Jeongyeon got out of the house and walked down the wooden stairs, taking some steps and stopping on the stone path that divided the grass in two. The chill air cleared her mind. The scene she had witnessed was heartbreaking, making her too emotional to handle it. 

Momo waited for a little before asking. “Did she tell you what happened?” Jeongyeon was staring at the sky. It was like the moon was absent on purpose like it knew what a sad night was taking place on their house and didn’t want to bath the night with its light to comfort them. 

“Her brother called. He’s getting married and she’s not invited.” Jeongyeon sat on the path and brought her knees in her chest. Speaking these words made her vulnerable like she was the one experiencing it. Even though she was aware of the situation with her parents, she never understood. It was weird trying to comprehend something you hadn’t experienced. But this was too much, and if she was feeling hurt only by speaking and thinking about it, she couldn’t imagine how Dahyun felt. 

“Go to Mina.” Sana said squeezing the hand which Momo used to comfort her. 

“Are you sure?” Momo wanted to check on Mina, but she didn’t want to leave Sana, she knew Sana needed her too. 

“Yes. I’ll be fine.” Sana didn’t intend to talk to anyone about her feelings. It wasn’t about her, it was about Dahyun. If anything else, Jeongyeon’s words had made clear the situation. Dahyun’s parents had cut her off completely some months ago, and now her brother was getting married and she wasn’t allowed to attend. They were disowning her in a way, but not officially. Of course it would make her relapse, as it was the topic that troubled her mind the most. 

Sana couldn’t help with the parent issue. Maybe that was the reason everything went wrong. Every time Dahyun talked about it Sana didn’t know how to help her. Maybe if she had asked someone else to help Dahyun would have been better. But that never crossed her mind. She had acted selfishly once again, trying to help but not really helping and keeping Dahyun to herself. How many mistakes would she be able to admit she had committed before reaching her breaking point? 

  
  
  


Entering Mina’s room she found her laying on the bed with her head on Nayeon’s lap, the older brushing her fingers through her hair. Mina’s eyes were red and puffy, getting teary all over the moment she spotted Momo. 

“You should go and check her.” Momo talked to Nayeon trying to emphasize the hidden meaning behind her words so Mina wouldn’t hear anything she didn’t know. 

“Why me?” Nayeon asked curiously. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to help, but she couldn’t understand how she could help more than the others. 

“It’s about her parents.” Momo knew from Nayeon that Sana couldn’t handle this topic. She remembered how Nayeon had talked to her that morning that Sana had denied talking to Dahyun. 

“What about them?” Mina asked right after. Mina didn’t know anything about Dahyun’s past. Both Momo and Nayeon didn’t intend to reveal anything. 

“Please, tell me.” She said not standing the silence and the tears started forming again in her eyes. Momo decided that maybe it was better to tell her some things. Mina had seen everything in the bathroom, after all, so they owed her some explanations. 

“Her brother is getting married and she’s not invited.” While Mina’s jaw dropped, Nayeon gently got up from the bed and walked out of the room. 

“I’ll tell you as little as I can but as much as I think is enough to explain the situation to you.” Momo sat on the bed and pulled Mina in her arms. 

  
  
  


Nayeon stood at the door before entering, trying to catch any sounds coming from inside in an attempt to prepare herself for whatever was happening on the other side. Not hearing a thing she opened carefully the room and entered. 

It wasn’t an unexpected scene. Dahyun was sitting on the floor between Tzuyu and Chaeyoung who seemed as devastated as Dahyun, who was now crying silently in their arms. No matter what it was a scene that hurt Nayeon. The younger ones didn’t seem to acknowledge her presence, so she went to sit beside Jihyo and waited. There wasn’t a lot she could do, she knew it from her experience. Sometimes words couldn’t help. 

Nayeon checked on Jihyo. She wasn’t in a better place than the others, making her wonder what happened since she left the bathroom. All these years of knowing her, she could tell that Jihyo was troubled with a lot more than just Dahyun. Talking about their problems wasn’t something they did regularly, and that applied to the whole group. Mina didn’t talk to anyone until she reached her breaking point. That was a mistake they had to correct soon so the group could have a healthy environment and not having members bottling up their feelings until they’d break, like Mina and Dahyun, and soon Jihyo as it seemed. 

In an abrupt movement Dahyun stood up, startling everyone. Wiping her tears with the back of her hand she faced Nayeon and Jihyo. 

“I want to go home.” She kept wiping every tear that escaped her eyes. It took some seconds before anyone talked. 

“What-” 

“Prepare your self and I’ll drive you.” Nayeon said interrupting Jihyo and putting a hand on her thigh squeezing it. Dahyun turned to her closet and picked up some clothes to change. 

“What are you doing?” Jihyo whispered to Nayeon, completely frustrated and confused. They couldn’t leave the dorm that late without informing their manager, let alone drive three hours away and getting back. 

“Trust me.” Nayeon whispered reassuringly. 

“I’m gonna change too, I’ll wait in the living room.” Nayeon said and left the room, leaving behind three bewildered girls and one preparing for who knew what. 

All Dahyun wanted was to go back. There was no other thought, just traveling back to her home to talk to her parents. She didn’t take a long to prepare herself, walking to the living room and taking a random pair of shoes from the shoe rack. She crouched down to tie the shoelaces, Nayeon already there (and Jihyo with the two maknaes but she didn’t notice) waiting for her. Once she finished, she stood back up and looked at Nayeon. 

“Ready?” Nayeon asked her softly. She didn’t answer and headed to the door. She grabbed the doorknob ready to open it but stopped on track. What was she doing exactly? She wanted to go back home but hadn’t thought furthermore. She wanted to achieve what? Talking with her parents? And how could this change the situation? They had already taken their decision, they had cut her off, they had disowned her in their way. Was there any meaning in traveling there? 

It wasn’t like it would change anything. Her decision was made years ago when she became an idol. Even if she’d give up the idol life -something she didn’t intend to do- her relationship with her parents was damaged irreparably. There were no things left to do, and no way to fix the situation. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, bringing her back to reality and taking her out of her thoughts. It should be Nayeon. Whoever it was, she waited for her to say or do something. 

“He’s getting married.” First truth. She didn’t turn to face Nayeon, ducking her head down to look at the tips of her shoes, her hand still holding the doorknob. There was sadness and pain in her voice, but a new thing everyone heard was realization and acceptance with defeat. 

“He is.” Nayeon knew she didn’t have to tell anything, but she knew how to help, reassuring Dahyun that the truth she was accepting was the right and real one. 

“I’m not invited.” Second truth. She felt sadness in the thought of her brother having such a special moment in his life and her being absent. She couldn’t stop her mind from picturing her brother under the altar waiting for his beautiful bride, dressed in a black suit with a bouquet of red roses and white lilies in hand. They had talked about it when she was younger and still occupied with planting. “When I’ll get married you’ll make my bride’s bouquet with these flowers.” He had told her a summer when every plant in the garden had bloomed and the white lilies were ruling the view, like the protagonist of the play. 

“You are not.” She heard Nayeon saying interrupting the sweet but painful memory in her mind. She felt her eyes getting watery because every truth she spoke was a realization and acceptance of the situation. She vaguely remembered that time she spoke with Nayeon when the older told her that accepting something is difficult, but essential to stop a situation dragging you back. It felt liberating indeed, but at the same time, it was crushing her. 

Because accepting that there’s no comeback felt like standing on an intersection of roads that lead to a different place with no return. And right now there was the last thing to accept, the last one to set her free; the most painful from all. 

“They disowned me.” She said in a thin voice and detached her hand from the knob. It was finalized but she waited for Nayeon this time, before letting her mind slip in another thought or memory. 

“They did.” Nayeon replied, letting out a breath she didn’t know she held. It reminded her when she was in a similar position, with Jeongyeon helping out with everything. In such situations, there was little a person could do to help you, and even though Jeongyeon was there it was all up to Nayeon to decide to accept the situation and move on. That was what she tried to achieve with Dahyun, and it seemed it worked. 

Dahyun brushed the back of her hand to wipe the new tears that escaped her eyes. Her safe place was officially gone, it was defined. For the first time ever she felt a weight lifting from her shoulders. It wasn’t easy. The moment she spoke the words she felt like she ripped a piece of her heart to detach from her body with all her emotions attached to it. She wouldn’t stop loving her parents, this type of love never faints, but the burden would be less from now on. 

She crouched down abruptly to untie her shoes, scaring Nayeon and the rest of the girls that stood a little behind her, with the addition of Sana and Jeongyeon who had joined the moment Dahyun froze on the door. Sana moved unconsciously to walk to Dahyun, frightened and startled from the sudden movement, but Jeongyeon was fast, grabbing her arm to hold her on spot. There was no need for words, Jeongyeon was trying to protect both of them. 

Once Dahyun was out of her shoes she turned around to face Nayeon. Tears were still leaving her eyes due to the plentiful emotions. Nayeon opened her arms and Dahyun took the step and buried her body on Nayeon’s with her forehead on her collarbone. The familiar scent of jasmine relaxed her. Knowing everyone’s scent was the aftereffect of living together all these years. 

Nayeon brushing her hair helped her feel better, calming her down with the affectionate gesture. She had eight people she loved so much, eight people that were her family all these years, eight people she could rely on, eight people that loved her like their sister, eight people that had reassured her they’d be there no matter what. She felt the exact same feelings about them too, and she’d go to war for any of them in an instant. 

All these thoughts help the tension sip out of her body gradually, she could feel it happening. Her body was stressed from the turmoil of emotions, but slowly she felt coming back at peace after all the breaking down. She hadn’t eaten all day due to her anxiety for what would follow the night tying her stomach in a knot. Feeling calmer for the first time since the morning, her body started functioning again, making her stomach leave a grumble in a protest for being empty all day long. 

“What was that?” Nayeon said teasingly. She knew the younger was in a weird place emotionally, and bulldozing her into eating wasn’t a good option, but she couldn’t skip it if nothing else. 

“I’m hungry.” Dahyun said shyly. 

“I’ll make you something then.” Nayeon said crouching down to put off her shoes. 

“I’ll do it.” Jeongyeon snitched from the other side of the room. “If you cook she might get poisoned.” She said making everyone chuckle, releasing some of the tension in the room. As everyone started moving to the kitchen Dahyun crossed eyes with Sana. She felt a pang of guilt, but like everyone else, Sana was there to help her, no matter what had happened between them. She tried to mask her guilt and shame by smiling gently towards Sana, trying to tell her in a way that she wanted her there in the kitchen too. Sana followed there but didn’t sit too close. 

It wasn’t too awkward at the beginning. Jeongyeon prepared some servings of steamed rice with veggies while the rest of them made small talk about the coming concert in Japan. Dahyun tried to figure out the mood in the room. In the past hours a lot had happened, and her members had witnessed her self-harming. There were questions hovering in the air but no one seemed willing to address the elephant in the room. 

Once the food was ready Jeongyeon handed the plates out to the ones who asked for food, while she, Sana and Jihyo didn’t want to. She brought a bottle of water for each one and placed them on the island. There was tension between Jihyo and Jeongyeon that everyone could see, but there was tension everywhere in the room and they knew better than to meddle with another topic at the moment. 

“Jihyo, a word?” Jeongyeon said gesturing towards the door with her head. Jihyo took a huge breath and stood up to follow her to the living room. Dahyun didn’t intend to eavesdrop, she just wanted to eat and go to sleep. It wasn’t her fault that she was sitting close to the door opening, plus the other two girls must stood right beside the door frame, as Dahyun could hear their words clearly. 

“Don’t you dare do anything reckless, you hear me?” Dahyun spooned a bite in her mouth to mask her frustration to the others who were consumed in their own conversation. 

“It’s not your business.”

“Don’t make me take your phone for days Jihyo.” 

“You can’t do that!” Dahyun couldn’t figure out why they were bickering, but something inside her told her she was the reason. 

“You won’t break up, you hear me? Don’t mess our situation with Daniel.” There was some silence and Dahyun wondered if they had left the living room until she heard Jihyo talking again. 

“You said it was my fault. How I correct my mistakes is my own choice.”

“I know what I said but I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking clearly. It wasn’t the right time to have that conversation.” Dahyun gulped her next bite with great difficulty, feeling the familiar lump rising in her throat. She felt like she’d been standing in the fog for years, and gradually the mist was imploding. 

“I don’t need your apology, you were right. I messed up, I failed you and the situation got out our control. I can’t blame Sana. It was my mistake not intervening when I was sure what they did.” Dahyun’s hand froze mid-air while guiding a bite in her mouth. So they knew. And the worst part was that Jihyo blamed herself when Dahyun was completely at fault. 

“Please don’t do anything stupid, I promise we’ll figure everything out.” There was a moment of silence, then the two walked back in the kitchen. 

The truth was Dahyun didn’t intend to have that talk yet, she wasn’t sure how to explain to the rest of the group the situation with Sana. It felt too soon and she wasn’t sure if she was in the right mental place to talk about it. But if anything else, the talk she had just heard made her aware about the emotional toll she put everyone through. Call her naive or reckless, but until that moment she hadn’t thought how much she had affected them. Part of her general mental vision had cleared due to the fog going out of her mind. That’s what made her speak her next words. 

“Someone please bring Momo and Mina.” It was time to tell the truth. Nayeon went to bring them really fast without questioning her request. In less then two minutes everyone was in the kitchen, sitting on the stools after Dahyun’s demand. She chose to sit on the head of the island so everyone could face her and vice versa -although she doubted she’d be able to face them once she’d start talking. 

“I did something really wrong.” She began, swallowing with discomfort. 

“We’ll take care of it. I’ll check the gauze before we go to sleep to make sure if you need a doctor.” Jeongyeon said as calmly as she could. The image in the bathroom from earlier was still playing in everyone’s mind. It might be something ordinary for Dahyun but for everyone else it wasn’t. That’s why everyone thought she was referring to that. 

“It’s not that.” She said and saw them looking at her puzzled and frustrated. “I’m not saying it’s not wrong or bad. But I want to talk about something else.” She took one last look from everyone and leaned to look at her lap. She was too embarrassed to face them while admitting the truth. 

“I’m sorry for bringing the group to this situation. I can see how it affects each and every one of you. I’m afraid to say that I promise I’ll get better because I did it before and I didn’t keep it. But I’m trying to figure out something so give me some days and I’ll know how to go on and what decisions to make. What I can promise is to talk to you and let you help me with these decisions.” First part done. Now the difficult one. 

“I did something very wrong. And I hope you won’t be disgusted with me. I’m afraid of the aftermath and your reactions. I hope you can forgive me, because you’re my only family now, and if I’ve already messed up then I don’t have anyone.” The words she spoke were thoughts she formed at that moment, realizations that came to her mind only now. She hadn’t had the time to think a lot after the front door scene. 

“I used Sana unnie. I took advantage of her.” Her hands started shaking so she clasped them together on her lap to stop them. 

“What are you talking about?” Sana shouted suddenly. Did she sound angry? Furious? Frustrated? Dahyun couldn’t surely tell, she couldn’t raise her head to face her. 

“Please don’t interrupt me.” She said ashamed. 

“But-” 

“Let her talk.” Jihyo said strictly. She knew that this was a misunderstanding, but letting Dahyun explain how she thought about her actions would help them prove her wrong. 

“One night I almost self-harmed and Sana found me. It was some days before we film the dance practice video, after we shoot for Idol Room." Dahyun remembered the exact day, how could she forget? "She asked me how she could help and I asked her to kiss me. I was afraid to admit to myself that my feelings towards her had changed. But when she kissed me it made me feel better. Then we started kissing every time I wasn’t good. I initiated it to my own benefit.” She stopped and took a shaky breath. 

“I know she did it from pity because I wasn’t good emotionally, but it didn’t stop me from avoiding answering about my problems and manipulating the situation to kisses and make outs. But…” One shaky breath again, her eyes started getting teary. She wasn’t sure where she was going, as she hadn’t thought afar and how to walk through this speech. The words she was speaking were getting out from her heart, nothing prepared or rehearsed. 

“But I got more feelings until I realised I am in love with her.” A broken sob. “And I know she was just trying to help me and I took advantage of it.” Another sob. “I’m a shitty person I know it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone.” She brought her hands to her face to hide it from them. It was pathetic. She shouldn’t be the one crying, she was the one at fault. 

“Everyone out of the room. Let them talk.” Jihyo guided them. 

“Don’t leave unnie.” Dahyun said through her hands. It didn’t feel right being left alone with Sana. Jihyo hesitated a little, Jeongyeon was right next to her. Dahyun lifted her head and looked at them, wiping her tears with her hoodie sleeves. 

“You both stay.” It felt right having them both there, like when they talked in Jeongyeon’s room after that dramatic night. 

“We’ll stand behind you on the counter.” Jihyo said gently and walked out of her vision, Jeongyeon followed her shortly. Why was she so gentle? Dahyun had just admitted something really bad to them. She expected a different reaction than this. 

Sana stood up from the other side of the island and came to sit on the first stool on her left side. She wasn’t ready to face her. Sana cupped her hands on the table. 

“Do you believe I’d call you baby if it didn’t mean anything to me?” Sana asked. 

“You did it to help me feel better.” Okay, Sana knew she was dense, but not as much as she witnessed right there. 

“How can I prove you I did it because I wanted to?” 

“You don’t have to. I know what you wanted to tell me tonight. You intended to stop whatever this was. I felt it through your distance and behaviour. There’s no reason to try and justify my actions. It’s okay, I’ll be okay.” What if she wouldn’t believe her, Sana thought? Maybe the best way was being straight forward. 

“Do you have any idea since when I’m in love with you?” Dahyun looked at her, her eyebrows almost reaching her hairline. 

“What?!” She asked breathlessly. Time of truth, Sana thought. She locked her gaze on Dahyun before starting. 

“Having that fight in SIXTEEN wasn’t the best start, I know. But I wasn’t fair back then. I started paying more attention to you after that. And the things I spotted… All these things you don’t see in yourself, all these things you don’t acknowledge having, they made me fall for you. The way you helped everyone, the way you were always plastering a smile on your face trying to bring up the mood or take some anxiety from the others. 

The way you were so considerate and thoughtful although you were so young. And then, I watched you keep developing and getting more charms, and becoming this beautiful young woman, who makes the fans love her about her dorkiness but also makes their hearts swell with affection and love with her sincerity and care towards them. This young woman that everyone admires for her generosity and kindness and nobility. How could I not fall for you?” 

Speechless, Dahyun was speechless. She felt silent tears leaving her eyes, blinking fast so the image in front her won’t get blurry. Sana was looking right in to her eyes, staring at her soul, with this gaze that held the stars in it, like Dahyun was the sun that gave her a reason to wake up excited every day. She reached a hand and cupped Dahyun’ cheek, and the Korean tilted her head on the side, taking all the offered emotions from this gesture. 

Without thinking it a lot she turned her head and placed a long kiss on Sana’s palm, absorbing whatever she could. She wasn’t sure why, it felt right doing so. But Sana wasn’t done yet. 

“It’s my turn to apologize.” Sana said, retreating her hand from her face and placing them both on her lap. 

“You were right. Tonight I intended to stop this situation. Not because I don't have feelings for you, but because I let my feelings overwhelm me. I was supposed to help you but I messed up. I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t say that. I was at fault too.” Dahyun didn’t believe it was Sana’s fault. 

“It was risky trying to help you, I didn’t see it back then. If I could, I wouldn’t try because I’m sure I’d mess things no matter what. If someone else had tried to help you, today would probably be a different situation.” Sana felt her own eyes filling with tears. Admitting the truth was painful. 

“Please don’t say that, you helped me a lot.” Seeing her eyes getting glassy only made the tears reappear in Dahyun’s eyes. It was her turn to cup Sana’s hands. 

“I didn’t baby.” Sana said whimpering. Never before had Dahyun expected to hear the pet-name and feel hurt. “I didn’t. I was selfish, trying to keep you for my self. I was afraid I’ll lose you. I knew I couldn’t help with your parents issue, but I didn’t ask anyone to help you. Instead I ignored it and didn’t push you when I should. I got lost in my feelings, when I was supposed to provide another kind of support. And look where we are now.” Sana said sobbing hard. She hadn’t talked to anyone about her feelings, even though she had explained the situation to Jihyo. 

“Hey.” Dahyun stood from her stool and turned Sana’s adjusting her self between her legs. She cupped Sana’s face with both her hands, brushing with her thumbs every tear that escaped her eyes. She wasn’t sure how, but suddenly she felt enlightened. She could see the bigger picture the moment Sana told her she was in love with her all these years. 

“Listen to me.” The future looked scary, but all the build-up and acceptance from earlier tonight had helped her see some light at the end of the tunnel; she just wasn’t sure how far it was, and how long it would take to reach the light. 

“It hurts to admit, but we both messed up.” They both made the wrong decisions, either at the same time, or different ones. 

“But you see, I was already messed up and there weren’t a lot you could do, not you nor anyone.” Sana was focused on her, taking in every word. Dahyun tacked some hair behind her ear to help relax her a little. 

“Once upon a time you told me that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get helped. Back then I thought I wanted to get better, but right now I can tell the difference of just telling and really meaning it.” She gave Sana a genuine smile, and when Sana saw her eyes getting watery it made her nervous for her next words. It was a monologue this far, and she couldn’t predict where it lead. 

“I want to heal, I want to get better. I want to be a good person.” 

“You are a good person.” Sana whimpered. Why did she feel like they were breaking up? 

“I want to have you there but it won’t help me, neither you. I want to stand besides you, not you having to carry me and my emotional baggage.” Sana opened her mouth to answer something, but Dahyun beat her to it. 

“I want to learn how to love myself and be okay with me, and then I can love you the way you deserve.” The dam was broken and Sana couldn’t control her tears any more. They were indeed breaking up, even though they had never labelled their relationship. 

“I’m sorry if it sounds selfish. But for the first time I want to do something for myself.” 

“Don’t say sorry, I’m proud of you.” Sana said through her sobs. She meant it. 

“Don’t cry baby..” Hearing her using the pet-name for the first time ever made Sana’s heart swell with affection and break at the same time. Something in her gut told her it’d be the first and last time given the circumstances. 

“One day, when everything will be alright, you will be my baby and I’ll be yours, okay?” Seeing the tears leaving Dahyun’s eyes didn’t help at all, making her unable to stop her own, unable to open her mouth and form a response. Instead she nodded her head two times in agreement. 

Dahyun looked at her, searching her eyes, trying to memorize every little detail of her face. It’d take a long time until she’d do it again, she knew. She loved the puffy cheeks, and in another instance she’d pinch them or give a lot of little pecks and nibbles. And those eyes, those eyes that she could read everything inside them, those eyes that held galaxies in them she’d miss them a lot. She’d miss the whole person a lot, who was she trying to fool? 

Through their tears, there was a last thing they both wanted to do, and they both read it on each other’s eyes. Dahyun detached one of her hands from Sana’s cheeks, grabbing gently her chin between her thumb and index finger, tilting Sana’s head as much as she needed. Closing the distance slowly, her eyes never left Sana’s, until the very last moment, giving her a reassuring smile before closing them. 

It was a simple kiss, not too long but not too short either. It was the softest one compared to every previous they’d shared. There was no rush, only the need to convey to each other their feelings. 

I’ll be back. Dahyun’s promise. 

I’ll wait. Sana’s promise. 

And then they broke the kiss. And then they hugged, and the tears fell uncontrollably. And then they felt bodies hugging them and crying with them. And it wasn’t only Jihyo and Jeongyeon, it was everyone who had been on the living room, listening the whole conversation. And it was okay, because they were a family and they had each other. 

  
  
  


That night Jeongyeon checked her wounds. They were in a bad shape but there wasn’t need for a doctor’s assistance. The next day was practice and the day after they flew to Japan. The first day was an all-day rehearsal to check the stage and their routine. They spent all day on the venue. 

Jihyo roomed with Dahyun and Nayeon at the hotel. Everyone would spend the night after the concert at the hotel except for Dahyun and Nayeon who’d fly right after the concert back to Seoul for Knowing Brothers. The night of their mutual stay Jihyo offered to Dahyun a way out of the variety, but Dahyun was adamant about participating. She wasn’t known for exposing their company, after all, so Jihyo didn’t expect another response but she had to try. 

The situation with Sana wasn’t that bad. They had some awkwardness between them, trying to function when being in the same room or space in general. They achieved a balance that Jihyo couldn’t explain. During the concert they managed to do their fan service without a problem, making everyone relax. The night on the kitchen had worked like catharsis, but there were a lot of things left to be cleared, not all of them regarding Dahyun. There were Jeongyeon and Jihyo, Mina, even Sana. Jihyo wanted to talk with every one of them. 

Once the concert was over and they were heading to their dressing rooms, Dahyun pulled Jihyo on the side to have a private moment with her. 

“I need a meeting with the head manager, and maybe JYP. Can you set it?” 

“Why?” Jihyo asked confused. 

“I want to have professional help but I don’t know who I have to contact and how to schedule it. Thought you’re the best to help, you talk and schedule with the managers all the time. Just, I want to start the sooner, and I tell you now because I have to fly back immediately and I wanted to tell you so you know and help me find out how and-” 

“Stop you’re rambling.” Jihyo chuckled. Dahyun was either hyper and excited from the concert or from the decision she made. Probably a mix of both, Jihyo thought. 

“I’ll schedule something the sooner, now go and get changed to leave.” She said and turned Dahyun’s body pushing her towards the fitting rooms and patting quickly her butt. It was a really good progress. She knew that Dahyun was far from being good. But for the first time ever Jihyo was sure she’d get better. She kept watching Dahyun with a faint smile as the younger walked down the corridor to the changing room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a big chapter, almost 10k words. I didn't want to rush and I really liked the result after a long time. This chapter and 'Lily' are my favorites! There's probably one more chapter left. It will be an epilogue I think. There's a lot left to be said but I don't think it will take more than a chapter. So, see you there!!
> 
> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Stay safe and healthy!!
> 
> Fighting!!


	17. Epilogue pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue pt.1
> 
> Heads up, 11.8k words!
> 
> TW: mentions of self-harming, self-harming makrs, depression

TW: mentions of self-harming, self-harming makrs, depression

  
  
  
  


Here’s the thing with changes; people usually don’t like them. Of course there’s a percentage of people that get thrilled by everything new, and the uncertainty of uncharted waters fulfills their aspect of life. Most people love routines though. 

Daily life is built under a routine, starting from a young age and continuously adapting to the demands of reality as we grow up. It’s difficult when one has to change their routine for something big, let alone when it happens suddenly or unexpectedly. But if you think about it, we are used to modifying our routines more often than we think.

Let’s say that your favorite channel airs a new program you want to watch. Your move will be adapting your schedule in order to be free from responsibilities -or maybe put them on hold- so you can enjoy the said program. There are a lot of examples like this one, only proving that we might be more adaptable to changes than what we believe.

Will it make it easier if we know something big is going to happen, or the result will be the same no matter if we are prepared for it beforehand? And how can a person be prepared before the change comes considering they don’t know the aftermath? Like, okay, be prepared, but prepared for what? Prepared or not, one thing is certain; even if it’s the tiniest thing a change is a change.

Changes don’t have to be big. Jihyo wasn’t unfamiliar with change. When she was asked to lose weight she didn’t let it get her down. Instead, she adapted and lost the weight gradually, having a natural transformation. It was all on her, completely. Even though she got nasty comments, she never let them tore her down. Because Jihyo knew her worth, she knew that ten years of training would go to nothing if she let these comments affect her. So Jihyo wore the comments as armor and continued performing confidently, taking it slow and changing her body at her own pace and rules.

But this had been a personal issue, one she had the option to handle herself. Now it wasn’t like that. Now everyone would go through a lot of changes, and it was something Jihyo couldn’t control at all. Deep inside she hoped Dahyun was indeed ready for what was to come. Analyzing it more she came to another conclusion though. She was wrong thinking that the whole situation of changes would start soon. 

It had started earlier this year; firstly when Sana’s scandal happened and they had to adapt around a sad Sana, then when Mina began her break and they had to learn how to perform as eight, and then since Sana found Dahyun that night in the basement studio changes came one after the other, with everything changing in a fast pace from learning Dahyun self-harms, to learning Dahyun’s past, to have Mina back and trying to protect her from the mess, and so much more. 

It seemed they were in a vortex of changes for some time already without realizing it. And although this could be good, Jihyo knew it might didn’t help that much with the weight of the change that would follow.

These were Jihyo’s thoughts as she sat on the kitchen island munching some grapes. They had arrived from Japan earlier this day, and about an hour before Nayeon and Dahyun had arrived from their shooting. The atmosphere was still tense, with Jihyo being the only calm one after knowing what Dahyun had in mind. Jihyo had informed their managers, having a meeting with them before leaving the hotel. They told her they’d have to inform the company and schedule everything, and then they’d let her know the next steps.

Jihyo was aware that once the next steps would be decided drastic changes would come. They had a lot of concerts in Japan until December and it only made her wonder how everything would happen. Nevertheless, the fact that Dahyun had made this decision was only a positive thing, and it’d be okay if it messed up their schedule a little.

“How did it go?” Jihyo asked Nayeon as she entered the kitchen and started preparing a snack to eat. She was exhausted filming all day and felt really sleepy although it was still 7 pm. 

“Really good. We had a great time and a lot of funny moments.” 

“Dahyun?” Nayeon was preparing a tuna sandwich. She focused on her task, taking some time before answering. Then she wrapped the sandwich with aluminum foil and placed it on a plate. 

“I don’t know how she does it.” She picked up the plate and headed to sit on a stool across from Jihyo. Jihyo eyed her confused, waiting for her to elaborate. Nayeon furrowed her brows and stared at her sandwich. 

“There’s not a chance I could tell this person is in so much trouble if I didn’t know what she’s going through. You’ll see when the episode airs, but she was perfectly fine. I can’t understand how she does it.” Jihyo took a moment to think words and Nayeon began eating. 

It wasn’t like they didn’t know how Dahyun functioned. She’d explained it herself that giving her all for their fans made her feel better. They all knew how to mask their feelings in front of the cameras, but the extend Dahyun could do it and the bad state she managed to hide made Jihyo admire her and wonder at the same time. Before she could verbalize her thoughts an anxious Tzuyu entered the kitchen. 

“Unnie, did anything happened on shooting?” Nayeon stopped chewing and looked at puzzled, with her mouth full of food. She continued chewing fast to answer the sooner. 

“No Tzuyu, why?” she said after gulping the food in her mouth. 

“Dahyun is very grumpy and I’m afraid talking to her. Last time didn’t go well.” Tzuyu said and pouted, recalling in her mind that morning she had tried to tame an angry Dahyun, only for her and Chaeyoung to take back bad talking and attitude from Dahyun. 

“I’ll talk to her.” Jihyo was already up and leaving the kitchen. 

  
  
\- 

  
  


As Jihyo entered the room Chaeyoung was leaving. 

“Go tell Mina to come here.” She whispered to Chaeyoung’s ear and then closed the door scanning the room. Dahyun was laying on her belly with her head turned to the wall. Jihyo softened on the view, expecting something else from Tzuyu’s words. She had a suspicion on what’s the problem, so if she was right Mina was the best one to help her. She crossed the room and sat next to Dahyun’s waist, making sure she wasn’t silent all this time to make her presence known and not startle the younger. 

“Hey.” She said softly, in case Dahyun wasn’t aware of her arrival. After some time of silence that made her wonder if Dahyun was asleep she heard a little hum from her, acknowledging her presence. 

“How was the shooting?” She asked placing a palm between her shoulder blades and rubbing circles on her back. She wanted to ask How are you? but she already knew the answer. 

“Good.” There was anger in her voice, making Jihyo worry. 

“Did anything bad happened?” Jihyo continued softly. 

“No.” Now it was anger mixed with defensiveness. 

“Did they offend you in any way?” Jihyo was trying to get through her, and she hoped Mina would show up soon. 

“PD-nim was there, they wouldn’t dare.” Now it was a sarcastic tone with a little anger. The door opened and Mina came to sit next to Jihyo. Some seconds in silence again, until Dahyun’s body tensed suddenly. 

“Mina?” She asked. She had caught her vanilla scent. 

“Hmm?” The Japanese asked her back. Dahyun didn’t answer, she only asked to validate her assumption. The Japanese came to the room after a briefing from Chaeyoung. Of course, she didn’t have the same speculations Jihyo had, but after Momo telling her the most important things regarding Dahyun’s past she had a better understanding of the situation. Jihyo was contemplating ways to ask about what she had in mind, and finding no easy way she blurted out the question. 

“Do you have second thoughts on your request?” She was too straight forward again, but she didn’t know how not to be sometimes. Dahyun’s silence confirmed her speculation. Jihyo looked at Mina ready to talk, hoping that she wouldn’t anger the younger by revealing her request. Mina looked at her puzzled with a deep frown shaped on her face, trying to catch the meaning behind her words. 

“She told me she wants to have professional help.” Jihyo’s hand that was still on her back felt the muscles beneath it tensing. Mina didn’t wait. She passed over Dahyun and laid between her and the wall facing her. 

“Hi,” Mina said softly. Dahyun observed her without saying a thing. Mina’s presence always brought her calmness. They were the two that sought isolation and personal space the most. Mina’s voice was calm and soft like a lullaby, lulling and soothing her like the rustling of the leaves by a breeze on a peaceful summer night. Maybe she had a thing for Japanese girls. Feeling her cheeks getting red she firstly thought ‘Momo will kill me if she hears it.’ and then quickly hid her face on the pillow to hide her blushing face. But as she had her hair on a lazy ban her ears were left exposed, glowing on their own crimson shade. 

“What did you think about?” Mina asked teasingly. She had seen the way Dahyun’s face lit up with an unconscious smile forming on her lips, and how the blushing had spread through her face, only wondering what thought sequence took part in Dahyun’s mind. Dahyun’s thoughts trailed to a certain pink-haired Japanese. She instantly scolded herself; she shouldn’t think of Sana, and every time that it happened she tried to stop her mind. It wouldn’t help thinking about her, and although it wasn’t easy she could tell that she achieved it easier time by time. Once she calmed down and gathered herself, she turned her head to face Mina with a composed expression. 

“How is it?” she asked, trying to mask the fear and uncertainty in her voice vainly, as her voice cracked at the last word. Mina didn’t take a long to answer, already waiting and preparing for this question after Jihyo’s revelation. 

“It’s not easy, as you have to open up and trust someone completely new and strange. But you have to remember that they’re there to help you, not to judge you, not to harm you.” The way Mina talked was reassuring, instantly soothing her anxiety a little. Dahyun knew she wasn’t lying or speaking empty words just to calm her down, Mina had been there herself. 

“I’m just..” Some things were difficult to admit, so she focused on the mole on top of Mina’s upper lip to distract her mind from feeling uncomfortable if looking in her eyes. “I’m scared.” She admitted silently. Mina reached her hand under the pillow where Dahyun had tacked her arms and laced their fingers with one of them. 

“I know it’s scary,” She said giving a squeeze to her hand. “But we’ll be here for you all the time.” Dahyun took some seconds before sitting up and resting her back on the headboard. Jihyo was still there and she didn’t want to seem disrespectful or make the leader feel like she was ignoring her. Feeling vulnerable she brought her knees to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin on them. Mina sat up too, resting her back on the wall. 

“I don’t want to have a break.” She said quietly, focusing her gaze on the chequered pattern of blanket that covered the bed under her legs. It was a constant fear since the moment she trusted Jihyo her decision. Her mind had unconsciously made her believe they’d make her have a break after Mina having one when she revealed her problem to the management. 

“You say it because of me?” Mina asked to make sure she assumed the right thing. Dahyun nodded positively. 

“Don’t compare the situations. I had to take a break ‘cause my problem was related to performing. Yours isn’t related to that. And you can tell them you don’t want to have a break. I believe they’ll propose things that make you comfortable. Don’t take my words for granted, but I’m really positive this is the way it works.” Mina’s words managed to soothe her agony and anxiety. They stayed in a comforting silence for a while, the two older giving her time to take in Mina’s words. 

Dahyun didn’t like changes. And in the last days, a lot of changes had happened. From her relationship with Sana disrupting to the rest of the members learning about their intimacy and their feelings. And a lot of changes were on the way, making her feel unsure about everything. This uncertainty frightened her a lot. But she couldn’t live in this way anymore. She promised to get better, and although she hoped it could happen quickly, she knew that it’d take time to heal. 

There was an article she read once about losing weight. One of the top advice the author highlighted was patience, advising the readers to be extremely patient and persistent in order to achieve their goal giving an example like if one got their body in its current situation within five years, they shouldn't expect it to be back to its initial form in five months. If that rule applied to mental health too, Dahyun hoped it wouldn’t take her years to heal. Although she hoped for a fast healing time, she knew that impatience wouldn’t help her. So here was a part she already knew she had to work out; patience. 

As Mina’s words had helped her relax, her mind traveled to forbidden paths, thinking about the person she shouldn’t, having her mind divided in two; one part that was trying not to think about Sana and the other stubbornly thinking about her. It was a constant war whenever she found herself at peace. Currently, the latter part was winning, making her wonder how was Sana, if she was okay, if she was sleeping well or getting enough rest, if she was asking about her. Letting a heavy sigh she stopped her mind from going further, getting the attention of the two other girls while doing so. 

“What is it?” Jihyo asked her visibly concerned, Mina looking as worried too. 

“Nothing.” Dahyun didn’t want to ask about Sana, afraid of the answers she’d get. It was a question for another time surely. She quickly gathered herself and stood up, thanking both girls for their time and help and excusing herself to have a shower. 

“How are you?” 

“I’m… good. I think I’m good. I feel better, although everything that happened the previous days troubled me a lot.” Mina answered honestly. 

“It’s a lot to take, no?” Jihyo chuckled understanding what Mina meant. 

“Yes it’s a lot, but I’ve made a lot of progress already, and I think it helped me manage everything. If I knew a month earlier I wouldn’t handle it at all. Plus, I already talked about it to my personal doctor the moment I was able to. I was really shocked that night, I wanted to discuss it with her the sooner.” Jihyo felt relieved with her answer. Mina’s progress was something she or any other member was afraid of affecting negatively. 

“The managers asked me if you intend to join us for the rest of the tour. No pressure, they just want to know to prepare your things and everything.” Mina had decided to join for the Sapporo concert only the day before the flight. Her decision was heavily based on the anniversary fan meeting that boosted her up a lot, despite the emotional state they got during it, and the events that took place after at their dorm. 

“I actually wanted to talk with them about it. I’m thinking of joining for the performing part but don’t feel ready for the whole interacting with the audience part yet. My team of doctors said it’s up to me when I come back. But it feels weird, having thoughts like if I can return, if I can perform again...” 

“Okay…” Jihyo nodded her head in comprehension, taking in Mina’s words. “Did you feel uncomfortable at the fan meeting, or at Sapporo?” 

“Well, at the meeting it was very emotional, seeing our fans after so many months. I was really overwhelmed. But at the concert I felt like I should do more, not only performing.” Mina said and nervously played with the sleeves of her hoodie. 

“The feedback for both events was really heartwarming Mina, don’t worry. But you don’t have to rush. Walk at your pace, and we’ll be there in every step. Take it one at a time, do what you feel comfortable doing. We won’t leave, and we surely can work around you.” Jihyo observed Mina’s face with a reassuring smile as the Japanese took in Jihyo’s words. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay what?” Jihyo said greening, already knowing the answer but happy to hear it. 

“Okay, one thing at a time. I’ll begin with performing first.” Mina’s voice held a certainty that helped ease Jihyo’s worry. 

“I’ll speak with the managers and let them know.” Jihyo opened her arms, waiting for Mina to fall in them. 

“Thank you, Ji!” Mina practically jumped in her hug, making Jihyo squeal and almost fall off the bed. It was good progress, and certainly one less problem off her shoulders. 

  
  
\- 

  
  


When Jihyo got informed privately from the managers the next morning during their time on the company, she made sure to inform the rest of the girls about it later. The plan was a big meeting at the company the following day, including a doctors team. Some of the members were surprised, where some were expecting it. Nevertheless, it was an outcome that helped ease their tension. 

After an exhausting day at the company, they were all back in the dorm, refreshed and ready to sleep. They were all informed by Jihyo once at the safety of the dorm, that tomorrow would be completely devoted to meetings between the medical team and the members. It was expected, as although Jihyo had briefly informed the managers about the situation, she made sure to tell them about the self-harming part, and how every member was totally aware and had lived through the situation in a way. 

If Dahyun could be honest, she didn’t expect such drastic measures this quick. Sure, she had made a decision, one that was for the better, but she expected some more time before going through this big change. She hadn’t even digested her decision, and she was already called to start working with it only after three days of speaking with Jihyo. Since that night she had talked to the leader, the anticipation for the next steps had destructed her mind from her problems, with the words Mina had given helping her calm down her nerves a lot. But now she had to sleep and wake up to face reality. Only, Dahyun didn’t want to sleep, afraid of the tomorrow and everything in regards. 

Shifting on her bed, she tried to calm her thoughts. But the more she thought about it, the worse it became. The anxiety was giving her body symptoms she couldn’t handle, the familiar ones that led her to a path she shouldn’t let her mind walk. Her body was full of tension, with her fingers trembling and her heart racing like she’d been running miles, and the deeper she got in her thoughts, the more the familiar ache in her heart grew. 

“Dahyun?” Apparently, her roommates hadn’t slept yet, being minutes since they all had lied down, the voice belonging to Chaeyoung. Dahyun didn’t answer, just tried to still her body to pretend she’s asleep, but it was pointless. They already knew she was awake and the tremble that possessed her body was apparent, making her a shivering bundle under her blanket. Then after some seconds in silence, she heard shuffling sounds, and a little later she felt the bed dip behind her. 

“What’s wrong?” Tzuyu asked, concern painting her voice. Dahyun knew she could trust them, but it was still difficult talking about her feelings to someone other than Sana. And Sana couldn’t help, Sana had her own self to fix now. Realizing she was worrying her two best friends made shivers ran down her spine. 

“Dubu?” It was Chaeyoung this time. The same amount of worry as Tzuyu was laying on her voice. Dahyun should do something, they didn’t deserve it. Sana was out of her options, so the best she could do was learn how to talk to someone else, try to open up no matter how hard it would be. 

“I’m scared… for tomorrow.” She said, barely a whisper. Maybe an eye conversation was taking place behind her back as she didn’t get a response. And then Chaeyoung left the room saying “I’ll be back in two” before leaving the room, with Tzuyu instantly lifting the blanket and wrapping Dahyun in a tight back hug. Dahyun focused on Tzuyu’s steady breathing in a try to distract her mind. The sound of the door opening and closing startled her out of her stupor with Tzuyu whispering “Mina” in her ear. 

Dahyun sat up, Tzuyu following, both leaning on the headboard. Dahyun turned her body to lean on Tzuyu’s body, who opened her arms to engulf her, Chaeyoung quickly climbed the bed and sat on her other side, squeezing her body on the free space between the wall and Dahyun. Although it was a bit uncomfortable, Dahyun quickly felt better being pressed between her best friends. Tzuyu placed her legs under Dahyun’s thighs to make room for Mina to sit in front of them. 

The sight of the three maknaes bundled up together so tight warmed Mina’s heart. It reminded her of a lot of difficult nights when two Japanese girls would embrace her tightly to reassure her everything will work out and they will make it in the end. They came so far and achieved these much after all. Mina took a sit absorbing the feeling of success to the fullest. Getting positive outcomes from thinking past anxious memories was a sign she was getting better and better, and the fact she was recognizing it on her own was enough to make her feel proud for herself. 

Comparing her current self with the Mina she was when she started her therapy, she couldn't but beam internally. It was a slow process, but when she started feeling better little by little she couldn’t but be patient for the nicer outcome. Of course, she wanted Dahyun to feel the same, to feel better. But their cases were different. That didn’t mean Dahyun wouldn’t get better, but it might take her more time. Or Mina could be completely wrong and Dahyun would be better faster than Mina. There wasn’t a rule on the healing time and progress, Mina knew, as every person was different. So here she was, informed by Chaeyoung about Dahyun’s confession, ready to help her feel reassured. 

“Tell me your thoughts Dahyunnie,” Mina said softly. Dahyun looked at her for a moment, and then her gaze became unfocused, her eyes wandering all over the room as thoughts rapidly filled her mind. She gulped soundly before speaking. 

“I’m afraid.” She admitted, locking her gaze at the door, over Mina’s shoulder. “How can I speak to them? I can’t do it, I can’t…” Her eyes started getting teary. “And I feel really bad for putting all of you in this position. You shouldn’t be troubled with my problems, everyone has their own and this shouldn’t happen at all.” She then shifted her head to bury her face on Tzuyu’s collarbone, feeling both her friends' hold getting tighter. Mina waited for her to continue as she thought there was more left to be said. Dahyun took a deep breath and continued. 

“I don’t feel ready to do it, but I don’t know when I will to be honest. And I don’t like that you have to go through it because of me. I’m holding you back. It makes me feel like a burden.” Some seconds of silence and then “I’m scared.” She was repeating herself, as some of her worries were similar to the ones she told Mina the previous day but it was okay. Mina knew thoughts were eating her mind. “And I miss Sana so much…” Dahyun admitted, with some tears leaving her eyes and painting Tzuyu’s shirt. 

Mina waited, extending a hand and brushing her hair gently. She let Dahyun calm down, gathering her own thoughts to respond the best way she could. She was the most fitting person in the group to calm down Dahyun as she had, and still was going through the same procedure. Chaeyoung knew she was already better, and that must be the reason she had called her for help, not risking saying the wrong thing in an attempt to calm down her best friend. 

“Do you like parables Dahyunnie?” The question caught Dahyun’s attention, shifting her head to face Mina with a frown between her brows. The question sounded odd. Sure, she had heard parables when attending the church when she was living with her parents, with the pastor’s preach containing parables often. It was interesting, with the moral of the story always teaching a thing or two, but she had never talked about that part of her life to any girl of the group. Mina reached her face with her hand and softly used her thumb to dry her cheekbones, and then gently massaged the frown between her eyebrows to straighten it, making her relax. 

“I like them a lot.” Dahyun admitted calmly. 

“That’s good. I’ll tell you one of my favorites. My mum told me a lot of them when I was back home. This one she told me when I felt like a burden to the group, the first days I went back to Japan for my break. And it really helped me.” Mina smiled softly, taking a quick glance from the other two girls too, all three of them waiting to listen with curious and naive eyes like toddlers. They had grown so much but were still the kids Mina met so many years ago. She wanted to chuckle but held it in. Now wasn’t the time for this, so she secured the precious image in her heart and mind, and gathered herself to begin her storytelling. 

“Once upon a time…” Mina started only for a chuckle to interrupt her. Mina fixed an iced glaze on Tzuyu, who was trying to hold it in. 

“What?” Mina huffed feigning annoyance. 

“Did your mum start the story this way?” Tzuyu asked her, trying really hard to hold her lips from smiling. Mina was ready to scold her with no other intention than to tease her back, but Dahyun’s and Chaeyoung’s giggles gained her attention, letting her feel grateful to the youngest for lightening up the mood. 

“No,” Mina said with a fake offense, “this is my own way to tell it. Is there a problem?” She raised an eyebrow to the youngest who went with it by saying “No mam’, please continue” seriously. ‘They really are kids’ Mina thought and smiled at them, before gathering herself and starting again. 

“So… Once upon a time, humans were given crosses to carry on their backs along their lives. Every cross would be different in size and weight, symbolizing the owners' personal struggles. One day a human went to complain to God that the cross he was given was beyond his strength. ‘My lord’ the human said, ‘I can’t carry it.’ God was quick to answer him ‘Come and pick another one’ guiding the human in a room full of crosses. As the human would pick one he then would complain ‘This one is too heavy’, and then ‘This one is too big’ as he’d put it on his shoulder. The human wondered over the room, trying different crosses, or seeing some huge enough that he didn’t even approach them. After hours of looking around and trying different ones, he finally stumbled to one that looked somehow okay. He lifted it and put it on his shoulders, feeling it heavy but light enough so he could walk. ‘My God, I found it. This is the one!’ the human said. ‘This is the one?’ God asked him. ‘Yes my Lord’ the human answered humbly. ‘But this is the one you were carrying when you came here. You picked the same cross.’ ” 

As Mina finished narrating her parable, she waited, spotting each of the three faces. She could see the gears turning in their minds, taking in the story and figuring out the moral. She waited for either of them to talk, but all of them were waiting to hear from her instead, hanging on for her next words. 

“Parables don’t have only one moral lesson. When my mum told me the story my first thought was that the human was given the smallest cross to carry, so when he searched for another one and they were all heavier or bigger and he picked back his own the moral I got out was that he shouldn’t complain at all because his cross was smaller than the rest.” Mina paused and saw Chaeyoung and Tzuyu nod in agreement, that this was the outcome of their thoughts too. Dahyun though waited for the rest of Mina’s words. Mina knew why. 

“But this is what I thought because I was feeling guilty.” Mina admitted, observing how Dahyun’s eyes got teary all over again. She cupped one of Dahyun’s hands and continued. 

“You know that there are other morals in there Dahyun. This is one way to interpret it, and it is the wrong one in my opinion.” Dahyun looked at Mina attentively, waiting for the moral that she couldn’t figure out, or maybe the one her stubborn mind didn’t want to accept. 

“I’m not very religious, so either of you can take my next words in your own way,” Mina said looking at the two youngest, taking their nods again. 

“God doesn’t give pain to a human without considering him capable of suffering it. Cause everyone has a role to play out in God’s plan, a role for which they were judged suitable for. We are humans. We are mortals. And everyone has a cross in their back, big or small. And in the end, the cross is made suiting everyone individually, making every cross different.” Mina then took a big breath. She had talked a lot already and needed a mini pause. 

“This was the moral my mother told me. And although it isn’t for my taste, I like it. And I wanted to tell it before telling my conclusion as you’re more religious than me and I thought you’d appreciate it more than I did.” Mina squeezed Dahyun’s hand. 

“Thank you, Mina.”Dahyun seemed calmer. She then encouraged her, “Tell us yours.” 

“Well… Mine has a wider visualization. I know the story refers to religion, but parables don’t have to be religious for someone that isn’t. They can be teaching stories. So, in a wider meaning, the cross symbolizes one’s struggles. And we can suppose that if the person that goes to change his cross is a different one and the history repeats its self, every person will leave with their own cross. So there isn’t a thing as ‘my problems aren’t worth worrying about’ or ‘you have fewer problems than me so stop sulking’. It’s how one lives their life and how they deal with the problems. And for me, a great deal is how the mind handles them. Because if you think about it, your mind defines how big or small a problem is and then you can make your mind give more space to something or drop it…” Mina spotted three faces looking at her with their mouths agape. 

“...and I’m rambling.” She chuckled. “Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts. I hope you got the meaning before I messed it up.” Mina said shyly. Dahyun knew how easy it was to lose her concentration when getting into deeper thoughts. It was funny seeing it happening to Mina. Of course, she had understood every moral lesson Mina told them, and she treasured each of them to think later. Mina had managed to calm her down a lot already, reducing her concerns about being a burden. It felt like some of the pressure she felt on her chest had left her body. 

“She’s broken.” Tzuyu exclaimed, mocking Mina, making all of them burst into laughter. Once again Mina admired their bond, and how subtle the youngest tried to lighten up the situation. But she had more to say, so she waited till the laughter subsided completely. 

“Dahyun, the parable was to make you understand that you’re not a burden. We’ve been together all these years, and you should know we are here for you. It’s inconvenient until you accept it. You’ve been there for me, how do you expect us not being there for you?” Mina left the question in the air, knowing there wasn’t any logical answer. 

“I know, it’s just… I feel so…” Dahyun couldn’t find the words to describe it, it was one of these times. It happened a lot, not finding words to vocalize her fears, although she could pinpoint them clearly through her emotions. 

“Yes, I know the feeling Dahyunnie. And not now, but I promise it will get better. It is scary, but running away or avoiding it won’t help you get better. Everyone will be there for you, even if you want to say the same things again and again.” It was essential for Mina to make sure Dahyun knew it was okay talking over and over about the same things. “I don’t know how much time it will take for you to adapt to it, but please try to be patient and give it some time. It sounds the least reassuring, I know because you are at the beginning and I’m not. But you see me? I got better and I can talk with you now. I’m not saying it’s easy. But you’re not alone, okay?” 

Dahyun hid her face on Tzuyu’s collarbone, with some sniffles coming right after. Mina panicked, afraid she had said something she shouldn’t, with the two youngest looking frustrated as well. 

“Dahyunnie?” Dahyun felt overwhelmed by the reassuring feeling Mina’s words made her feel. 

“I-I love you so much, guys.” Dahyun blurted out and sobbed, making the other three chuckle with relief. Mina then surged forward, the three of them trapping Dahyun between their bodies, forming a triangular with Dahyun in the middle. 

Dahyun felt the calmest she’d felt since her talk to Jihyo after the concert. It was one of the rear moments she allowed herself to feel grateful about the girls she could proudly call family. 

“You good?” Mina asked after untangling herself and sitting back on her original spot. 

“Yeap.” 

Mina wanted to talk about the last thing Dahyun had referred to, but she decided to do it in a lighter way, as she knew how much it pained Dahyun. 

“Sana.” Mina said. 

“What?” Dahyun answered caught unprepared, stilling her gaze on Mina, and wobbling her eyes. 

“What.” Mina said raising an eyebrow smirking and challenging her. Although a blush had started forming and climbing her neck, Mina saw the shift in Dahyun’s eyes, getting watery again. 

“I miss her…” Dahyun said but before she could fall again Mina teased her. 

“Do you miss her kisses as much as she does?” Dahyun became a tomato instantly, choking on her own saliva in her try to respond. Tzuyu and Chaeyoung patted gently her back to help her, laughing silently in the meantime. Once Dahyun was okay she nervously played with her fingers on her lap, her eyes focused there. 

“Did she… did she tell you that?” she asked nervously and shyly. She was such an adorable mess, making Mina want to coo and pinch and kiss her relentlessly. 

“No, I’m teasing you.” Dahyun left out a breath with her shoulders getting lower in defeat, making Mina understand she might have messed up. “But I’m sure she misses you a lot too,” she added in an attempt to save the situation, only spotting Dahyun tensing up again. 

“Does she talk…. or ask about me?” She asked, barely a whisper, afraid of a negative answer. 

Mina didn’t get the time to respond as Tzuyu hissed“She doesn’t shut up!” and contradicting the maknae’s behavior, Dahyun smiled the brightest she had today, griping Tzuyu’s shirt and hiding he face there with a mischievous smile all over her face. Saying that this was the reddest Mina had ever seen her face would be an understatement. 

Hearing these words made her the happiest person for a reason. Sana had confessed her love for her, she wasn’t doubting it to the slightest. But knowing that Sana missed her as much she did too was enough to calm her worry. But concern didn’t take a lot of time to fill her mind. Sana was asking about her because she was worrying. And she was worried about Sana too. 

“Is she okay?” Dahyun picked from her nestle on Tzuyu’s shirt to look at Mina. 

“She’s a big girl, she’ll be okay.” Mina said reassuringly. Mina could read the unsaid questions in Dahyun’s eyes, questions she must had the previous day when they talked with Jihyo but was too afraid to ask. Wondering if she’d ask or not, Mina started answering to the ones she could figure out, in hopes it would make Dahyun ask whatever else was in her mind. 

“She’s okay. The main struggle is not talking with you and worrying about you. But she knows you have to take care of yourself now.” Dahyun frowned so Mina continued, “everyone is there for Sana too. She’s more vocal than you so we know she’s getting better day by day.” 

Dahyun took her time to take in Mina’s words. Yes, Sana had a big part in everything. But as she had promised to put herself first, she had to take Sana out of the forefront of her mind. It wasn’t easy, and Dahyun managed to achieve it better day by day, but she felt guilty for doing so. Mina’s words were a reminder that she had promised the exact same thing to Sana, to fix herself first thing. Mina’s words were a good way to wash away the guild. 

“Thanks Mina, for everything you said tonight.” Mina smiled back, but before she could say a thing, the three gazes that were staring back at her sported very sleepy eyes. 

“Lay down,” she said as she got up and walked to take an extra pillow for them from Chaeyoung’s bed, the three maknaes laying down in the meantime. Mina then gave them the pillow and helped them get comfortable, fixing the blanket and everything. 

“And for the parable. You didn’t have to say one regarding religion, but you did. It means a lot to me.” Dahyun said as Mina hovered over her to kiss Chaeyoung’s forehead, then kissing Tzuyu’s and then placing a long one on Dahyun’s, looking into her eyes after and saying “You’d do the same.” Dahyun looked at her with gratitude; she would, of course she would. 

Mina stared at them from the door as they looked back at her completely adorable. Their three maknaes. Their three kids. She smiled to herself as she turned around to turn off the lights saying “Good night kiddos” over her shoulder, hearing back three voices saying “Goodnight Mina” in unison and closing the door after. 

  
  
\- 

  
  


After a briefing every member got some personal time with a therapist, talking about the recent events, and getting the time to talk about anything else they felt like opening up about. 

For Dahyun though it was a different procedure. It was self-evident that in her case one session wouldn’t be enough. Most of the medical team was focused on her, with two of them having personal sessions with the rest of the members except for Mina, who had her personal doctors there. 

The first hour for Dahyun went through by having some physical exams, a blood test, and describing her eating habits. After a quick visit to the company’s assigned clinic for x-rays and for treating her wounded hip, she was back at the company to have her first session with her own assigned personal doctor. There wasn’t a specific schedule as the doctor let her take her time and share whatever she wanted. The doctor was informed about the case beforehand with the info Jihyo had provided to the managers. 

After everyone’s individual meeting with the doctors there was a briefcase for all the members minus Dahyun where they were instructed on how they can help and what they have to watch out about Dahyun. The guidance was given to the management team after, to be prepared if needed. It was made clear that if any member felt the need to talk they could reach them immediately, as some second sessions were already scheduled with some of the members. 

  
  
\- 

  
  


Changes came suddenly but not unexpectedly. There were visible changes in their everyday life. The doctors' team had asked them to protect Dahyun from herself through the struggles that she carried and the ones that would come through trying to change. So they agreed for everyone to keep a careful eye on her, but also split the task between them. 

Nayeon and Jeongyeon would be responsible for her nutrition, making sure she’d eat healthily and wouldn’t skip meals. Momo and Mina took the task of making sure she wouldn’t overwork herself, as she had admitted to the doctors it was a tactic she’d use for distracting her mind. Then Chaeyoung and Tzuyu were the ones to look after her sleeping schedule. Jihyo would keep an eye on Sana, at least until she knew she was okay, without that meaning she wouldn’t care for Dahyun from the sides. It was a silent agreement that Sana couldn’t be involved in these tasks, the reason being obvious. 

Besides these tasks, the doctors made clear that the beginning would be difficult, as they expected second thoughts and anger from Dahyun. The girls had to make sure to track her but not overcrowd her, make sure she wouldn’t be left alone for a long time, be prepared for her anger or change in mood. They also informed them they or Dahyun could call them any time of the day or night if they needed them. 

There were also invisible changes, the ones each girl managed individually, the ones happening in their minds. Having the chance to address whatever troubled them, was also a chance to tide up their feelings, or even manage them better while doing such an exhausting job and having such a demanding schedule. 

It was just the end of the first week of sessions, making Dahyun feel a little proud for getting through it but also very exhausted. The initial proposition was the sessions happening one hour during practice, but Dahyun was adamant on no skips from her practice time, so they settled on having sessions after the day’s schedule would end. That meant Dahyun returned home later from the others the days she’d have a session, probably four days a week. 

Entering the dorm she was greeted by Nayeon and Jeongyeon lounging in the living room, watching some drama that Jeongyeon said she didn’t like but knew the whole plot by heart. 

“You good?” Nayeon asked as her entrance caught her attention. 

“Yeap.” It had been their greeting through the week, talking more later while eating. Dahyun went to her room and gathered her things. After a relaxing shower, she went back to the living room, but before she could make her way on an empty couch Nayeon was already patting the space between her and Jeongyeon. 

Dahyun feigned annoyance, crossing her arms on her chest as she walked towards them, and left a loud groan as she settled between them. It was all an act of course, as she didn’t want to admit how much she liked receiving their affection. Her behavior made Nayeon huff and mirror her posture, crossing her hands on her chest, leaving Jeongyeon ready to burst into laughter as she felt like she was dealing with two kindergartners. 

After a good one minute Jeongyeon saw Dahyun’s act going down gradually, so she asked the question that was becoming their routine now. 

“How was today?” Dahyun didn’t wait a lot to answer “I didn’t like it”, knowing from the previous nights that they wouldn’t let her skip the conversation. 

“Why?” Nayeon turned sideways propping her elbow on the back of the couch to support her head, facing Jeongyeon who mirrored the same posture. Dahyun kept looking at the TV, not wanting to face them in case she’d see something she didn’t like in their eyes. 

The answer came so silently, barely a whisper, “We talked about potential medication.” It really didn’t catch nor Nayeon or Jeongyeon off guard. Dahyun’s doctor was a psychiatrist, and it wasn’t something unexpected as self-harming and severe depression weren’t things to be taken lightly. 

“And? Where did you end up?” Jeongyeon asked carefully, knowing the topic was a delicate one. 

“Nowhere. It was a discussion to inform me and think about it.” 

“Are you opposed to it?” Nayeon asked this time, happy that they were getting answers without pressuring her. 

“I don’t know. It never crossed my mind before. And at the beginning, I was really negative but then she explained how it works and I realized I was thinking about it wrongly. But still… It’s medication and I have this prejudice in mind about mental health and medication.” 

“How does it work? What did she tell you?” Nayeon’s question was genuine as she’d never felt the need to educate herself regarding this topic, and she could tell Jeongyeon had the same thoughts reading the curiosity in her eyes. 

“Well… She said that when she prescribes antidepressants she wants to make clear that it isn’t intended as something permanent, but more like a boost to help the healing. It isn’t guaranteed it will help as it doesn’t work for everyone. But if it does, it will help my brain produce chemicals that are related to emotion and mood. It’s like curing the depressing feelings so I can work on the healing part. But she was very clear that she doesn’t want for the patient to take comfort on that feeling and get addicted because if you stop them without healing then there is no progress and you go back to point one.” 

“And you’re reluctant because…?” Jeongyeon trailed confused because, by Dahyun’s words the doctor had told her about the catch too, it wasn’t like she wouldn’t know. Dahyun took some deep breaths, feeling her pulse slow down. It was okay talking with them about everything, that she knew. But no matter what, every time she’d admit her insecurities it made her feel unworthy and super anxious. 

“Because what if… What if I don’t heal and get addicted? And then it goes wasted? Or what if it doesn’t work at all for me?” A thing she wished she could get rid of was self-doubt. It always made her head run out of control with potential scenarios and outcomes filling her mind, leaving her on the verge of a panic attack. Good thing her unnies saw through it and didn’t wait to answer. 

“But it was your decision to start this, right?” Nayeon asked, trying to get to the logical part of her mind. 

“Right.” 

“And you want to heal.” 

“I want.” 

“So where do you see it going wrong?” 

“How to explain….” Dahyun gulped soundly. Nayeon had a good point, but how could she explain that her mind was telling her it will be a complete failure. “I feel like I’ll make it wrong and it will go really bad and won’t help me and just make me addicted to the new feeling.” She blurted out somehow fast, but both girls caught her words. 

“Hey, slow down, it’s not rap time.” Jeongyeon pinched her shoulder and chuckled, making Dahyun giggle a little and alleviate some of the tension in her body. 

“You just admitted you want to get better,” Jeongyeon looked at Nayeon who nodded for her to continue, “So I don’t understand why you think you’ll rest assure on the medication. I mean… You already know where you want to go, I don’t think you’ll go astray, and you’ll have guidance and help along the way. You won’t know if it works for you if you don’t try. And if it doesn’t, I’m sure there are other ways to heal too. But if you have doubts you better talk with your doctor, she’s the best to answer your questions and worries. Besides, doubting yourself so much is something you’ll work with her. Just don’t reject her proposal before exploring it thoroughly, okay?” Dahyun nodded okay and focused on the coffee table, pouting broad-mindedly. It was something she shouldn’t reject, at least not yet. 

“Did you clean your wound?” Nayeon asked this time, her tone neutral as if the topic was something simple. They’d got to this stage through the week too, making sure Dahyun was taking care of her scratched hip without intervening or crossing her personal boundaries. 

“Yeah. Some more days with the sticker gauze and then I’ll start applying the ointment.” 

“Did it hurt today?” Jeongyeon asked as casually as Nayeon had asked the previous question. Dahyun had admitted the previous days that some particular moves of the choreo made the scratch sting or feel like it burns, so Jeongyeon and Nayeon didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable while talking about it, or anything else that was troubling her. 

“No today was totally fine, no discomfort at all.” Dahyun answered as casual. 

“Truth?” Jeongyeon stared her down lifting an eyebrow. 

“Of course! It didn’t hurt I swear!” Dahyun turned to face her, panicking. 

“I’m teasing you Dubu.” Jeongyeon ruffled her hair. Dahyun then turned to face the TV, Jeongyeon spotting how her shoulders relaxed. As Jeongyeon was ready to tell her that food was ready a loud grumble left Dahyun’s stomach, resonating through the living room and over the TV’s volume which was so low it was almost in silent mode. Nayeon chuckled as she stood up saying ‘Dinner time’ and took a hand from each to lift them, walking towards the kitchen after with the other two in tail. 

“I called my mum to give me grandma’s sundubu recipe.” Nayeon said over her shoulder as she passed through the door-frame. Her words caught Dahyun’s attention. Dahyun was terrified in the idea of Nayeon cooking. 

“Who made it?” Dahyun asked before she could stop her mouth from saying the words. 

“Nayeon.” Jeongyeon said casually confirming her speculations, as she walked towards the stove to help Nayeon serve the food. 

“What?” Dahyun froze just under the door frame, her face dropping to the floor. 

“Excuse me?!” Nayeon turned around looking offended with her hands on her sides, surprise all over her face like she was ready to explode. Dahyun gulped visibly. She didn’t want to get poisoned, what should she do? Eat Nayeon’s food? 

“We cooked it together don’t worry.” Jeongyeon said as she walked to put the bowls of food on the kitchen island, laughing soundlessly entertained by the scene. 

“You wouldn’t eat my food?” Nayeon crossed her arms on her chest, somehow offended. 

“I mean…” Dahyun searched for Jeongyeon for a way out but she was preparing a salad and Dahyun was left facing her back. She knew it was on purpose though, as she could tell she was laughing by the way her body was vibrating. 

“I mean… would you?” Jeongyeon snorted hearing Dahyun’s answer but still didn’t turn to face them. 

“That’s not the point!” Nayeon stomped her feet. Jeongyeon couldn’t hold it more and burst into laughter. Nayeon looked at her like she was betrayed and Dahyun took that chance to walk to the island and settle on a stool, enjoying the show. 

“If you wouldn’t eat your food, how do you expect others to do so?” Jeongyeon retorted then, not looking at her and focusing on her task. The salad was almost ready. 

“I would!” Nayeon answered with certainty. 

“Yes you would,” Jeongyeon then walked to place the salad on the island and walked to the counter again opening a drawer and taking the necessary utensils, pointing them to Nayeon, “Only because you’re stubborn.” She walked to the island again to place the utensils, Nayeon following shortly. 

“That’s not true. I can cook.” Nayeon climbed on a stool across from Dahyun and Jeongyeon walked to the fridge to take bottles of water for them. 

“Tell me another.” Jeongyeon smirked. 

“I can!” 

“Like your salty cookies the previous week?” Jeongyeon chuckled as she climbed on a stool next to Dahyun who was still amused that their bickering was happening playfully without the hint of malice. After all these years of witnessing it and it still amazed her. 

“It’s not my fault sugar and salt look the same.” Nayeon shrugged. 

“You even tried cutting strawberries with the sharp side of the knife looking up!” Jeongyeon threw her hands in the air for a more dramatic effect. 

“You promised you won’t refer to it again!” Nayeon covered her heart area with her hands, feigning offense and hurt. It was quite the show, making a big smile grow on Dahyun’s face, not knowing that this was the reason they were still going at it. A voice cut through before Jeongyeon could answer back. 

“What’s all that fuss?” Jihyo was standing nervously in the door frame. Nayeon could read her like an open book and took some seconds to respond and look between her and Jeongyeon. She had picked the tension between them days before but didn’t have the chance to confront them. Dahyun, not aware that maybe something was wrong answered first. 

“We’re about to eat. And these two are debating about Nayeon’s cooking skills.” Dahyun beamed in excitement, surprising all three girls. Something so simple had made her smile so unexpectedly. 

“Well, you can’t cook to save your life.” Jihyo said deciding to participate in this scene and walking to serve herself a bowl of the soup, taking utensils and sitting across from Jeongyeon. Nayeon didn’t miss the way they avoided looking at each other, completely forgetting to continue this back and forth banter. 

“Let’s eat.” Nayeon said casually. She’d deal with it later. Dahyun’s stomach left a loud grumble instantly, making her chuckle and pick up her utensils. It was good seeing her like that, and it was a thought that crossed every older girl’s mind. 

“Don’t skip the salad again.” Jeongyeon told her after some time and reached for the salad, pushing the bowl towards her side of the table. 

“I don’t want the salad.” Dahyun whined. She had already protested the past two nights getting her way out, but maybe this third time she wouldn’t be that lucky judging by the way the three looked at her. 

“You must eat healthily.” Nayeon said gently, not wanting to come through as aggressive. They were given some guidelines on what Dahyun’s diet should include. And even though she didn’t pressure the first days, Nayeon and Jeongyeon agreed that they’d be more firm to make the changes happen. 

“But you barely touched it. It’s not fair if I’m the only one eating salad.” Dahyun said and pouted because in her mind salad wasn’t something anyone liked or would eat from choice, so it felt unfair for her to be the only one going under that torture. 

“We eat salad for lunch every day, that’s why.” Nayeon said defensively. 

“But if you want we’ll change it and make sure to have it with you on dinner.” Jeongyeon said reassuringly, understanding that it was a way to help her comply easier. 

“Okay.” Dahyun then picked some of the salad and guided it to her mouth. Jihyo was really happy witnessing how well they were handling Dahyun. It was a constant worry in her mind if everything was going on smoothly. Of course, there would be problems on the way, but the important thing was the girls being able to handle them. And she was satisfied by how well Nayeon and Jeongyeon worked together. She had a more generic role, learning everything from the girls and knowing for a fact Dahyun would tell her if she needed or wanted something. 

Dinner passed by smoothly for Dahyun, as they all talked a lot about their day and how the next one would go. As the food comma was overcoming her body Dahyun yawned before offering to wash the dishes only to be dismissed by Jeongyeon, who told her she should go and rest. Dahyun then stood up to excuse herself for the night. 

“You’re phone.” “Someone’s calling you.” Nayeon and Jihyo told her in unison, seeing the light of the screen through her hoodie front pocket. Dahyun took the phone out of her pocket and looked at it, then locked the screen and placed it on the island. 

“He’s being calling all day since yesterday.” She said, rubbing her palm on her forehead nervously. 

“Who?” All three of them asked. 

“Myungsoo.” Dahyun answered and left a heavy sigh, bringing her hand down from her forehead. A second after the screen lit up showing Myungsoo’s name and 34 missed calls under it, leaving Nayeon and Jihyo fuming. 

“Go to your room and when he calls again I’ll talk to him.” Jihyo said with the most determination and confidence she’d shown until now. 

“Thanks unnie, goodnight.” Dahyun felt too tired both physically and mentally to deal with her brother. She didn’t mind what Jihyo would tell him, as long as he wouldn’t bother her anymore. It wasn’t like she’d be able to handle him soon, so she’d be thankful if Jihyo achieved just that. 

After brushing her teeth she entered her room and found her roommates laying over their covers on their respective beds. Dahyun changed quickly in her pajamas. Once she was ready she turned and saw Tzuyu already under the covers. Tzuyu smiled gently and lifted the blanket inviting Dahyun to join her. Dahyun picked up her pillow and walked to Tzuyu’s bed, climbing and burying her body on Tzuyu’s front, feeling Chaeyoung spooning her seconds after. 

It was also a somehow official change, that she could sleep with them whenever she felt like it. Her best friends had proposed it first, but Dahyun was reluctant. Then, as the night after the first session had been really difficult to handle, she found herself climbing Tzuyu’s bed trembling from her anxiety and thoughts. Chaeyoung was quick to join, both letting her mumble her fears and reassuring her that she wasn’t alone and everything will be okay in the end. Sleeping with them had helped her have a steady sleep tremendously for the past week, and as long as it’d provide her a sense of stability she wouldn’t change it. 

Meanwhile in the kitchen the three girls were sitting in complete silence waiting for the phone to ring. Jihyo was locked on the screen as Jeongyeon was nervously messing with the remaining salad with her chopsticks. Nayeon really wanted to slap them both and put some sense in their minds, boiling on the inside for how childish they looked trying to avoid each other. If it wasn’t for the phone call her scolding would have started the moment Dahyun had left the room. 

Before the phone could ring once Jihyo had already picked it up and swiped her thumb to answer, all while bringing the phone to her right ear. 

_“Dahyun?”_

“It’s Jihyo.” Jihyo said sternly, suddenly becoming really mad. Maybe Nayeon should have answered. 

_“Where’s Dahyun?”_

“She doesn’t want to talk.” Her sharp tone made the other two look at her frustrated, with Nayeon squeezing gently her thigh to ground her. Jihyo’s attention was caught by Jeongyeon’s extended hand over the island with the palm facing up, waiting for Jihyo to take it. Jihyo didn’t. She took deep breaths to calm her mind.

 _“I need to talk to her Jihyo. She didn’t let me explain the other day and I’m worried about her.”_ She took deep breaths to calm her mind. Myungsoo didn’t deserve to take a piece of her mind no matter if her anger towards him was right or wrong.

“Look, we know about the wedding, and it really didn’t help.” Jihyo was calmer. He was her brother, and even though he’d made mistakes he still had the right to know. “Let her take her time and when she’s ready she’ll reach you. Right now she can’t handle it, and I can’t force her talk to you, it won’t help her.” So far so good. But if he’d be more persistent Jihyo might snap. 

_“I see… I’m just worried.”_ His troubled voice made Jihyo let down all her guards, and her anger dissipate. _“It’s very complicated. I promised I’ll be there for her but everything happened so fast and I really couldn’t help her. I tried talking to my parents but they won’t listen. But I don’t care Jihyo, she’s my sister, I don’t wanna lose her.”_ It took Jihyo by surprise, making her think of her own younger sisters. She could understand Myungsoo, as her demanding schedule didn’t leave her as much free time as she’d like to spend with them. This weird feeling made a knot form in her throat. Jeongyeon’s palm was still open for her to take, she spotted, and she lifted her free arm to place her hand in Jeongyeon’s, one of her not blood-related sisters, and Jeongyeon brought the other to cover the top of it. 

“I know, I know.” She stopped feeling her throat closing, her gaze focused on the hands. She felt some pressure from Jeongyeon’s, and it was enough to help her continue. “It’s not long ago when she told us everything. We had no idea all these things happened and it was really a lot. But we’re helping her now, and she wants to get better too. She’s practically our sister too.” Another squeeze to her hand. “And we’ll take care of her I promise.” 

_“Thank you Jihyo, I mean it.”_ Jihyo didn’t know what to answer, creating an awkward pause. _“I’ll leave you now. I promise I won’t bother her again. Please let me know if anything happens. Have a nice night.”_

“Goodnight.” She took the cellphone from her ear and only after she placed it on the island she let a deep sigh out. And then she looked at an uneasy Jeongyeon and retreated her sandwiched hand. 

“That went… well?” Nayeon asked, spotting their interaction and deciding to address it next thing first. 

“Could’ve been worse. I could have snapped at him.” Jihyo pouted not so cutely. 

“Why? He didn’t do anything wrong.” Nayeon continued. 

“I feel like he should have done more, help more. But I know he couldn’t help that much as well. Hell, we didn’t even know until some months ago, and we’ve been living together for four years. Dahyun is good at keeping it to herself, but we definitely overlooked some signs. And if we were so blind to see while spending every day with her, I can’t blame her brother who didn’t see her that much even before she became a trainee.” 

“Jihyo.” Jeongyeon called, making her lift her head to face her. “I’m sorry, I mean it.” Jeongyeon wanted all this tension between them to vanish. After the dramatic night and the words they exchanged they were cold to each other. Jeongyeon had apologized but maybe it wasn’t wise doing it right after everything had happened. Everything was still fresh, and her apology hadn’t helped their relationship overcome this hardship. Before Jihyo could answer Nayeon intervened. 

“For what?” Both Jihyo and Jeongyeon tensed. Jeongyeon would get a really tough scolding once Nayeon knew, they both thought. 

“It’s nothing.” Jihyo said as nonchalantly as she could in a try to protect Jeongyeon, who bit her lower lip avoiding Nayeon’s eyes. 

“No. You’ll tell me. I was going to ask either way. I know something happened. You seem awkward to each other.” As Jihyo was ready to tell her off again Jeongyeon talked first. 

“I’ve said some inaccurate things to her and I know I hurt her.” Jeongyeon admitted, still not looking neither. She felt a bit embarrassed about her words that night. It wasn’t completely all on her nerves, some part of her was believing her accusations back then. But Jihyo’s words moments before made her mind place some thoughts in the right spot. 

“Yoo Jeongyeon.” Nayeon pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. “What did you tell her?” There was no reason to try and avoid the conversation, she wanted to explain her side to Jihyo, not only give an empty apology. So if Nayeon was there to listen, might be as well. 

“I told her it was her fault the situation with Dahyun came this far because she didn’t listen me and Momo and let Sana handle her, and not ask external help.” Jeongyeon looked at Jihyo who was focused on her own lap. “But I know I was wrong.” Her words made both girls relax somehow. 

“Elaborate.” Nayeon said neutrally. She was about to scold her but maybe they could avoid it after all. Jeongyeon focused on the island’s surface, she had a lot to let out. 

“As Jihyo said, it’s our fault for doing nothing all these years. We knew something was wrong, and it’s our fault letting it come this far. But it wasn’t Jihyo’s mistake, everyone has a share on this. And feeling guilty won’t help either of us. Also, Sana’s involvement wasn’t my place to judge, and I’m sorry for that too. Plus, maybe Sana helped to avoid more self-harming.” A pause. “ As for the other part, I was completely wrong, I want to admit it. I thought the best option was medical help even if she didn’t want it. But as we’ve interacted with her for the past week I can tell she’s really trying hard, and it’s a long way but she’s cooperative and she talks to us and let us be there and help her. I can’t imagine this outcome if she was forced to do it. So yeah, I’m really sorry for that night. I hope you can forgive me. I wouldn’t want to feel the way you must felt hearing my words. You are the pillar of our group Jihyo, we don’t thank you enough for it. You handle so much and take care of everything and everyone, please know this. I’m sorry if my words made you doubt yourself to the slightest.” 

As Jeongyeon lifted her head she faced Jihyo mashing her lips trying to hold the moisture in her eyes. Looking panicked at Nayeon the older mouthed “hug her” and Jeongyeon instantly stood up and rounded the island, turning Jihyo’s stool and embracing her after. Jihyo buried her face on Jeongyeon’s stomach. It took some seconds until someone finally spoke. 

“Idiots.” Nayeon whined, “You made me cry.” Jeongyeon opened an armed to snuggle her too. 

“Are you okay?” Jeongyeon asked Jihyo, rubbing her back gently. 

“Yeap.” Jihyo answered, her voice muffled by Jeongyeon’s hoodie. 

“Did you talk to Daniel?” Jeongyeon felt her tensing in her arms. Nayeon looked up at her with a questioning look. Jihyo rested her forehead on her stomach for her words to sound clear, focusing on the cloth of the hoodie. 

“He somehow foresaw it and talked to me first. He said I should wait until I calm down and then think with a clear mind and make a decision, and if that’s what I really want then he can’t stop me.” 

“You’re good for each other, you know that?” Jeongyeon said. She could tell Nayeon had grasped the situation already but had yet to comment. Maybe she wanted them two to help each other. 

“It’s just a lot.” Jihyo sniffled. “Everything.” 

“But every time you come back after spending time with him you’re always better. Don’t rush to make a decision okay?” Jihyo hummed in agreement. Seconds after, a thought that had been busying her the last days came into her mind. 

“Nayeon, can I ask you something?” She shifted in Jeongyeon’s arms to look at the oldest. 

“Anything.” Nayeon smiled at her. 

“That night… How did you know she’ll change her mind and accept everything?” Nayeon pondered a little. How could she explain? It wasn’t like she had acted by analyzing it. When Dahyun said ‘I want to go home’ Nayeon had instantly answered ‘I’ll drive you’. So, it was one of these decisions that felt right based on instinct. 

“Because she had to face the outcome of her actions. And if she hadn’t come to that conclusion alone, I would ask her what happens once we arrive at her house. She’d have to think about outcomes, and we already knew she couldn’t change her parents' decision. So it was a way to make her realize it. I’m happy she did it by herself though. Something must’ve shifted that moment because she started vocalizing her realizations, and some days later she decided to ask help.” 

“When you said ‘I’ll drive you’ I thought you’re nuts.” Jihyo chuckled. 

“I know, we wouldn’t leave the dorm in the first place. But I couldn’t tell you that.” Nayeon chuckled too. 

“Thank you unnie.” It possibly had been the start of everything, Jihyo thought. She squeezed Jeongyeon tightly before they untangled themselves and cleaned the dishes, bidding goodnight after. 

Thankfully that night one more problem had been resolved, taking another weight from her shoulders and making her feel extremely satisfied to have this situation clarified, Jihyo thought laying on her bed moments before drifting off. 

In a bed next to her Nayeon was smiling happily as she thought about everything that had happened the previous week, and satisfied for watching her two best friends resolve their conflict earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there.
> 
> I'm working on the last part and it's already at 18k words and I'm not finished yet so I decided to split it. Sorry for the way it ends but it felt like a good point to split it. Hope you liked it this far, took a lot of time to write.


End file.
